Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[KimGordon67]

For the win. Thank you RuneBlade.

Yep, I'm kind of loving that too.

 

[RuneBlade]

For the win. Thank you RuneBlade.

Yep, I'm kind of loving that too.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

In some senses, saying you're looking for a submissive is about as useful as "I'm looking for a woman". It's all the particulars that make the difference, the reasons behind the behaviors as much or more as the behaviors themselves.

I agree, that's why I found it so difficult to give an actual definition that worked. Although I don't think anyone 'needs' a label, I do see the usefulness in it sometimes. (I've seen many discussions on labels on a lot of other threads so i don't want to start a whole new one here.) But if someone can easily identify themself as x, y, or z I think that's a good thing. If someone knows who they are on a basic level, there's nothing wrong with being proud to express that. I feel like sometimes with the big deal on NOT using a label, it can make others uncomfortable or start to doubt themselves for the fact that they DO identify theirself as such...like since there are so many differences maybe I shouldn't put myself in that box either. Obviously, I don't have an issue with identifying myself as a submissive...that one word only tells you a limited amount about me, and I'm still unique in many ways.

Also, when I hear someone say, "I'm not a Dom but I display some Dom tendencies" the first thing I think is...they like to dominate but don't want all the responsibilities, which is fine but just not the type I'm looking for. And when others say the same about being submissive I think...they like to submit in certain ways but feel the title puts too many constraints on them. Which is also fine...whatever reasons people have. But then I have to wonder...with an open ended definition and vast array of characteristics...is it really so important to go out of your way to make sure you're NOT saddled with that label? I get it if you honestly don't consider yourself a submissive but you like to do sub-ish things sometimes...that's fine. But if you more often than not want to be in that role, then why not own it...it doesn't make you less than who you are.

Ok. That was just a really long ramble, but whatever. Hope everyone had a great weekend. And I'm still waiting to hear something about this Dom/subspace/submission thing...

 

[barefootgirl69]

Exactly! And submission is not purely a sub thing - everyone has the capacity and will if they so desire. One of the most beautiful things to experience is when a hardcore Dom willingly submits to you. Some people do confuse this with 'topping from the bottom', but no... when a Dom suddenly reaches a type of subspace, something inside of them switches, and they fall at your feet... It's purely amazing.

I have felt loved, cherished, even worshiped by my Dom, but I've never experienced the 'Dom subspace/submission you described above. That sounds interesting to me...I'd be interested in hearing from others, especially Doms, about this kind of thing if anyone is willing to share...

<snip

Ok. That was just a really long ramble, but whatever. Hope everyone had a great weekend. And I'm still waiting to hear something about this Dom/subspace/submission thing...

I don't think we will hear much more about it, I have not heard of such a thing. I know Doms that I have spoken with have never experienced it. Doms that I have been with may enjoy a the things I do, but they never give up control or submit.

I will be quiet now because anything else I will say will be sarcastic.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[The_gladiator]

I feel that a dom that can reach subspace should more accurately be described as a switch, they may have a dominant preference, but they do switch on occasion. But it also goes back into the topping/bottoming vs dominance/submission discussion that pops up often around here, there's an amazing essay floating around here that explains that dynamic much better than I could.

Labels can be helpful to some extent especially to help get connected with someone or to get to know on a basic level if the person is worth getting to know better as the right fit for you. If I was looking for a submissive type partner I would look for those that self identified as submissive first and then get to know them to learn if their particular flavor of submission matched what I needed. Same with a dominant, for both a sensual dominant and a sadist type dom can be dominant and label themselves that way but they are vastly different.
If that makes sense.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I feel that a dom that can reach subspace should more accurately be described as a switch, they may have a dominant preference, but they do switch on occasion. But it also goes back into the topping/bottoming vs dominance/submission discussion that pops up often around here, there's an amazing essay floating around here that explains that dynamic much better than I could.

Labels can be helpful to some extent especially to help get connected with someone or to get to know on a basic level if the person is worth getting to know better as the right fit for you. If I was looking for a submissive type partner I would look for those that self identified as submissive first and then get to know them to learn if their particular flavor of submission matched what I needed. Same with a dominant, for both a sensual dominant and a sadist type dom can be dominant and label themselves that way but they are vastly different.
If that makes sense.

That is the feedback I am getting when I sought to ask this question of Doms I know in my area.

As for labels, you've said it very nicely. I usually look to see how people define themselves, even if they don't choose to label themselves.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I feel that a dom that can reach subspace should more accurately be described as a switch, they may have a dominant preference, but they do switch on occasion. But it also goes back into the topping/bottoming vs dominance/submission discussion that pops up often around here, there's an amazing essay floating around here that explains that dynamic much better than I could.

Labels can be helpful to some extent especially to help get connected with someone or to get to know on a basic level if the person is worth getting to know better as the right fit for you. If I was looking for a submissive type partner I would look for those that self identified as submissive first and then get to know them to learn if their particular flavor of submission matched what I needed. Same with a dominant, for both a sensual dominant and a sadist type dom can be dominant and label themselves that way but they are vastly different.
If that makes sense.

That all makes sense. I don't know any Doms that are switches. I know they're out there but I don't personally know any. The Doms I've talked to also haven't experienced the subspace/submission thing. I don't want to say it doesn't exist...but right now it seems as illusive as Bigfoot or Nessie. I'm gonna keep searching for a sighting though. LOL

I agree with your comments about labels. It makes a lot of sense.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

That is the feedback I am getting when I sought to ask this question of Doms I know in my area.

As for labels, you've said it very nicely. I usually look to see how people define themselves, even if they don't choose to label themselves.

Well, let me know if you do spot one of these Dom type experiences we're talking about...I'll keep my eyes and ears on alert too.

I also wanted to mention a PM I got from someone about labels. She mentioned that she might be submissive but not identify as such because she wants someone to 'make the effort' to dominate her. I can understand that. Which made me think...I think there are a lot of misconceptions about someone being 'submissive'. I think some people don't understand that it doesn't mean you are just going to be a doormat to be walked over or totally compliant with anything you're told to do. And maybe that's why someone wouldn't 'want' that label?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I'll take other labels from this world to help explain me if needed. I'll say I am a little bit little. ( even looking back at relationships where I did not sacrificed control I liked to be 'cared' for, looked out for) and I am primal. But I say primal not prey. I don't see my self at either the bottom or the top of a 'food chain'. I am however a sensualist. This fits FAR more than sub. I experience this alone even, ( certainly more than in most relationships I have had) and is not a reflection of how I relate to others but how I experience the world. This doesn't make me switch, if just makes me...primal in this lexicon. I tried on sub for size when I got here and it just felt wrong, and disrespectful to those who identify primarily this way with some of the other labels for descriptors. I see those other labels as our meeting point. Not the 'sub'. What others expect for them will interest me.

Your explanation completely makes sense to me. And it sounds right that you wouldn't want to identify yourself in a way that didn't 'fit you'. I do understand that not everyone fits into a certain category, and it's fine to take a piece from this and a piece from that to describe who you are. And probably with all the differences that will become the more common method of 'identifying' oneself.

 

[cascadiabound]

Well, let me know if you do spot one of these Dom type experiences we're talking about...I'll keep my eyes and ears on alert too.

I also wanted to mention a PM I got from someone about labels. She mentioned that she might be submissive but not identify as such because she wants someone to 'make the effort' to dominate her. I can understand that. Which made me think...I think there are a lot of misconceptions about someone being 'submissive'. I think some people don't understand that it doesn't mean you are just going to be a doormat to be walked over or totally compliant with anything you're told to do. And maybe that's why someone wouldn't 'want' that label?

I continue to ID as submissive, but the label is feeling like less and less of a good fit to me... (in fact I took the adjective out of my profile description the last time I revised it) partly because of how people respond to me and the assumptions that they attach to the label that are very very much not me. I recognize that their stereotypes are not really my problem...but when it means I have to unpack all kinds of things just to get them to begin to see "me" the person, it starts to be really really tedious.

I have had similar conversations with men who are reticent to adopt the term Dom. Not just because the label doesn't quite feel right to them, but because the worst of the stereotypical behavior of men who loudly proclaim and claim the label is the last group of guys they want to ever be associated with. (I am making a broad generalization...to make my point, there are plenty of guys, even here at Lit who clearly ID as Dom who are not assholes...but they do not tend to beat you around the head with their domliness). In these cases, it's not at all an unwillingness to take on the responsibilities of being a PYL, in fact, it seems when this is the discomfort, I have found such men to be more willing to take their side of the dynamic seriously.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I continue to ID as submissive, but the label is feeling like less and less of a good fit to me... (in fact I took the adjective out of my profile description the last time I revised it) partly because of how people respond to me and the assumptions that they attach to the label that are very very much not me. I recognize that their stereotypes are not really my problem...but when it means I have to unpack all kinds of things just to get them to begin to see "me" the person, it starts to be really really tedious.

I have had similar conversations with men who are reticent to adopt the term Dom. Not just because the label doesn't quite feel right to them, but because the worst of the stereotypical behavior of men who loudly proclaim and claim the label is the last group of guys they want to ever be associated with. (I am making a broad generalization...to make my point, there are plenty of guys, even here at Lit who clearly ID as Dom who are not assholes...but they do not tend to beat you around the head with their domliness). In these cases, it's not at all an unwillingness to take on the responsibilities of being a PYL, in fact, it seems when this is this discomfort, I have found such men to be more willing to take their side of the dynamic seriously.

Yes, I'm starting to see that a lot of people (subs and Doms) are adverse to adopting the titles because of stereotypical views that don't accurately represent them the way they would like. I can understand that. It does sort of leave the problem of having to explain or describe yourself without the use of those identifiers. Then again, I guess it depends on what your 'mission' is. If you're a sub looking for a Dom, then it's easiest just to say that and get into the particulars once a basic interest has been established. Otherwise, I suppose it can be beneficial for people to have to 'dig deeper' to get to know each other without the boundaries of labels and stereotypes. Hm...maybe I should change my username

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

Cassie, I think you have made a mind path for me to something else, abouth with this is a 'need' in your sexual expression. Could you relationship fulfillingly without this expression of however you label, let's stick with sub?

Elle...could you please sweep your PM box? I seem to require some clarification on your above post.
Cassie

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

The question wS not directed at you, if that makes it clearer... just your post took me to the point thAt I could see that identification of 'sub' might partly be on how much it was requisite to fulfilment in relationship/ representation of self. Is that clarification?

Ok. I see what you are saying.

For me...in relationship is where I am most comfortable simply saying I am a submissive woman to my D. Because at the point I willingly submit, all the complexities that make me uncomfortable with the label have been addressed.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MeekMe]

I continue to ID as submissive, but the label is feeling like less and less of a good fit to me... (in fact I took the adjective out of my profile description the last time I revised it) partly because of how people respond to me and the assumptions that they attach to the label that are very very much not me. I recognize that their stereotypes are not really my problem...but when it means I have to unpack all kinds of things just to get them to begin to see "me" the person, it starts to be really really tedious.

I have had similar conversations with men who are reticent to adopt the term Dom. Not just because the label doesn't quite feel right to them, but because the worst of the stereotypical behavior of men who loudly proclaim and claim the label is the last group of guys they want to ever be associated with. (I am making a broad generalization...to make my point, there are plenty of guys, even here at Lit who clearly ID as Dom who are not assholes...but they do not tend to beat you around the head with their domliness). In these cases, it's not at all an unwillingness to take on the responsibilities of being a PYL, in fact, it seems when this is this discomfort, I have found such men to be more willing to take their side of the dynamic seriously.

The bold part is why I don't really care for the label. Well, part of the reason. Men that contact me point it out, and I typically shut them down immediately after that. I hate label hunters. They tend to look for labels instead of people and can't understand that individuals have more important characteristics. It's why I say being submissive is the least important/interesting thing to know about me. Because it is quite literally at the very bottom of the list.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

to add even more perspective, take this for example..
I am absolutely at peace when in submission to a strong, male counterpart. My world feels balanced. I have my rock, so to speak,
to lean on, my guiding force that I can trust not to lead me into any situation that would​ be harmful to me in any way.

Yet, I wouldn't say "I'm submissive."

I'm fiercely independent. Borderline cuckoo. And an over educated redneck hot mess most of the time...

So, my submission is extremely hard won. Which is why I don't classify myself as such, at least not really..

But! still I crave that feeling of peace when in his presence. It's a security thing. A bit of a codependency that challenges my Independence. I want it, yet I'm not sure I can handle it. Perhaps the fear associated with allowing my vulnerability to show is simply too strong.


It's difficult to explain. Might not even be worth trying to explain, but suffice it to say, I'm not big on labels.

They're only starting points for those who have to have categories to understand something.

 

[Farawyn]

This goes back to Racy.
And her comments.


This submissive "shame" that I'm reading here lately, well, I don't have that. Yay!!!

Why do we, as submissives, feel the need to list our resumes as some sort or qualifier? I'm submissive, BUT... yadda yadda Masters Degree, yadda yadda 6 figures, yadda yadda, see my cape flapping behind me?

Yes. I've done it, too.
No more.

I'm independent, strong, bla bla bla, too. Submission does not mean I'm not. It means I allow him to have that. That I trust him to have that. Knowing that I am still that, even while I'm deeply submitting.

I had a problem with the label before I actually experienced it. Now that I have, I have no problem with it. I know more who I am now than I ever have.

As for others who may see me as less than, that is their Fucking problem. Not mine.

 

[barefootgirl69]

This goes back to Racy.
And her comments.


This submissive "shame" that I'm reading here lately, well, I don't have that. Yay!!!

Why do we, as submissives, feel the need to list our resumes as some sort or qualifier? I'm submissive, BUT... yadda yadda Masters Degree, yadda yadda 6 figures, yadda yadda, see my cape flapping behind me?

Yes. I've done it, too.
No more.

I'm independent, strong, bla bla bla, too. Submission does not mean I'm not. It means I allow him to have that. That I trust him to have that. Knowing that I am still that, even while I'm deeply submitting.

I had a problem with the label before I actually experienced it. Now that I have, I have no problem with it. I know more who I am now than I ever have.

As for others who may see me as less than, that is their Fucking problem. Not mine.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm too lazy to do more than skim through this thread, but where's the shaming?

 

[Eva_Star]

This goes back to Racy.
And her comments.


This submissive "shame" that I'm reading here lately, well, I don't have that. Yay!!!

Why do we, as submissives, feel the need to list our resumes as some sort or qualifier? I'm submissive, BUT... yadda yadda Masters Degree, yadda yadda 6 figures, yadda yadda, see my cape flapping behind me?

Yes. I've done it, too.
No more.

I'm independent, strong, bla bla bla, too. Submission does not mean I'm not. It means I allow him to have that. That I trust him to have that. Knowing that I am still that, even while I'm deeply submitting.

I had a problem with the label before I actually experienced it. Now that I have, I have no problem with it. I know more who I am now than I ever have.

As for others who may see me as less than, that is their Fucking problem. Not mine.

Thank you!

 

[TheSilverLining]

This goes back to Racy.
And her comments.


This submissive "shame" that I'm reading here lately, well, I don't have that. Yay!!!

Why do we, as submissives, feel the need to list our resumes as some sort or qualifier? I'm submissive, BUT... yadda yadda Masters Degree, yadda yadda 6 figures, yadda yadda, see my cape flapping behind me?

Yes. I've done it, too.
No more.

I'm independent, strong, bla bla bla, too. Submission does not mean I'm not. It means I allow him to have that. That I trust him to have that. Knowing that I am still that, even while I'm deeply submitting.

I had a problem with the label before I actually experienced it. Now that I have, I have no problem with it. I know more who I am now than I ever have.

As for others who may see me as less than, that is their Fucking problem. Not mine.

It's not shame for me, not in the slightest.

I don't have a Masters degree, certainly don't earn anywhere near like six figures and, quite frankly, I'm so short that I'd go arse-over-tit if I attempted the cape.

However, I'm stubborn. Argumentative. Independent. Etc etc. It's these personality traits that make submission sooo much better. (For me) Finding a man who can strip away all those layers until I'm undeniably submissive is a wonderful thing.

The label was difficult at first. Moreso admitting it to myself than anything else. However, in hindsight that inner turmoil is also something of a turn-on. Win-win, folks!