The Horny Unicorn

[MrSand]

Mergale

"God I hate my life..." I moaned as I entered the tavern.

After running full speed back into the city with creepy-crawlies in my hair, I accidentally tripped over a stupid pail in the middle of the road and fell into a manure cart. Thankfully, the demonic spiders were germaphobic, and ran off screaming, "It stinks! It stinks!"

So, smelly, tired, and still a woman I walked back to the tavern. I needed to replenish my strength if I were to transform back into my old body and find that Scrying Stone.

I tidied my slightly battered dress up, slicked my tangled hair back, and put on my sunglasses before entering the Horny Unicorn. I was about to go find my employers to explain my situation when my evil eyes beheld some ingrate standing behind my bar polishing my glasses!

"Who the fuck are you?!" I shout at the man, leaping forwards and grabbing him by the shirt. "What the HELL do you think you're doing at my bar?!"

 

[kitsuke]

Ich bin ein Berliner!

As he lay drowsing Kitsuke wondered at the mysterious answer the Thunder Dragon had given him at the mountain peak. If he didn't know any better he would sworn it was "Hey sure! The last one just burnt out, I have to open a new package anyway!... Here you go, just remember, it's only a 60 watt. So don't expect too much and for god's sake don't plug it into a 220 volt outlet!"

The dragon's mystical words had confused him, but he had recovered the sacred stone for the mighty Thorr. His musing stopped as sleep claimed him.

 

[THEBRAT]

Charlene

I sniff something sore stinks around here!

I turn my head and see a Woman!

As I say WOMAN WHAT MANURE PIT DID YOU CRAWL OUT OF AS I WAVE MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE PEW I NEED A FACE MASK!

I lean over and whisper into Mervin's Ear!

How would you like being stuck in the Body of a Woman Forever?

I laugh at the look of Horror that comes over her Face yes try your Magical Powers they will not work!

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

Before Isolde could answer my question, I noticed Thorr on one knee, and I woman who smelled like shit! I quietly step back into a dark corner, making sure not to get involved.

 

[The GrandMage]

The Ralph/Brent Mix.

He summoned third back, forcing the three together, just because she was insane. He had no idea what she was on about. Now a combination of Brent and The Ralph, he had no brothers. He was only related to Grilam, one of the origional three children, his children, and an Ally of the Princess.

Of course, the crazy woman was related, just not in the way she thought. He looked at the sungflassed woman in front of him. "Ah-hem. I believe this is Mervin's bar, not yours, Miss....? And by the way, please don't throw chairs at me anymore. I might havbe to use the Holy Grenade of Antioch on you, which, despite this insane girl's attempts to confuse me with, does not split you into different people."

He reached out, easing the smelling woman's claenched hands off him. "You know what you need? A nice long, hot bath. There's one waiting for you upstairs. Go have a nice long soak, and then we'll discuss giving you whatever you want, okay?"

He gave the odd woman a warm smile, turned her towards the stairs, and applied a small amount of pressure outwards against her shoulders, directing, but not pushing, her towards the stairs, and the tub off hot water he summoned in a room for her, putting the key in her hand as she took a few steps forward. He stopped polishing glasses, and went into the kitchen, gathering flour, yeast, and other bread ingredients, absentmindedly hoping the woman would do as he had suggested.

He then gave his hands a nice, long cleaning.

 

[MrSand]

Mergale

I blink at the man, who was curiously holding his breath. I then realize that I was still covered in cow feces, and turn grey in embarrassment. I take the key and run up the stairs, eager for the promised bath.

"Fine, then, pretty boy," I mused. "First, I shall detoxify myself. Then, after eating and rest to regain my powers, I'll transform back into my old self and destroy you with my unholy might! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

 

[The GrandMage]

The Baker-type guy.

-Several minutes later-

He had mixed the ingredients, and without the littlest bit of asking, was kneading dough, preparing to make bread. It was so relaxing, kneading the dough, the ingredients mixed just right. He was calming down, adjusting to his new self.

He was begining to wonder about the woman. For some odd reason, he felt as if he should know her. Strange, always wearing sunglasses like that. He shrugged.

He slipped the bread in the oven, and noticing he had a few minutes, he adjusted his rolled up sleeves, removed an apron he had put on, and wandered upstairs after the woman, noticing her door was slightly ajar. Wondering when would be a good time to talk to her, he peeked inside....

 

[Isolde]

I looked at the chaos around me, slapped my hand against my forehead and tried not to scream at the gods for their warped sense of humor.

"For the love of...." I begin,"What in the name of the gods is happening here?"

"I have a barbarian on his knees instead of ravishing his intended like all good barbarians do, I have a strange bartender whos name I do not know and who is now in my kitchen baking bread. There is a woman coming in who smells like she works in the stables and is trying to be bartender and I have no customers.

"I KNEW I should have insisted on the wenching!"

Turning to Imoen, I said,"You know this is your fault dont you? If you would have allowed the slightest wenching, than there would be lest testosterone flying about and a peaceful inn....with customers I might add."

Smacking Thorr in the head, I said,"And what would mother say about this? I'll tell you what she would say. She would say, 'By the gods Thorr, get up and ravish that woman like a normal barbarian or else you wont get any ale for a long time."

I sighed loud and long.

"But, if we have to do this the civil way, than by the gods we are going to do it right!"

Putting my fingers to my lips I blew a shrill blast and everyone stopped to look at me. When their hearing returned, I begin to speak.

"Okay, everyone, listen up. Everyone has two hours! Two hours and not a minute more! In that time I want food, drink and party favors in this room. I want Creeps ready to go into his act. I want a huge cake and with wishes for a happy future to Imoen and Thorr written on it. And FOR THE SAKE OF ANY SANITY I HAVE LEFT...GET ME SOME WENCHES!!!!!!"

Stalking off into the wine cellar, I grumble about any man, especially a barbarian, who cant propperly ravish!

 

[The GrandMage]

The Baker

Hearing a demand for a cake, he quickly runs back to the kitchen, my attention diverted by what had to be the oddest hobby. Baking. He gathered pots, pans, and ingredients to myself, rolling my sleeves up and putting on an apron. What kind of cake to make?

He idly searched through my mind, thinking about what I had heard. A barbarian. Class. Only one kind of cake mixed well with those two factors. He pulled several bowls over, and began measuring and mixing. Flour, eggs, baking soda, cocoa beans, milk.

It was amazing. He was truly a master of his art. he reached into the oven, grabbing the light brown bread, and ripped off a chunk, eating it as he threw the rest down. He had limited ingredients, and he still had to mix in the one thing that would pull it all together. ruching around, he finally located a small keg of ale, and carried it back into the kitchen. Yes, ale. If properly added to a cake, in the right amounts, the sweetness of the cake, and the taste of the ale would create a desert that was loved by all. He'd made it a few times when barbarians had gone to the castle.

he set the keg down, mixing himself into a fury, making cake, and home-made icing. Just swwet enough. A darker, chocolate icing for the edges, a sweeter icing of green, white, red, and blue for the messages that had been ordered. This was his finest hour.

He took the cake batter, and began adding the ale, mixing it in a little at a time. He only stopped to shoo people away from what he was doing. He took a swig of vanilla before adding some to the batter, mixing it in with some more ale. Even as he stirred, mixed, adding pinches of this, cups of that, he began thinking about what he should call himself. He becided to make a name that would fit his two pasts. "Wolfstien" He smiled, and stopped.

He poked his head out of the kitchen. "Anyone have any allergies? I'd hate to make a cake you couldn't eat."

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

Isolde was becomeing scary. I tap her on the shoulder, "uh, are you okay?", I ask.

 

[kitsuke]

It's Me Silly

The smell of cooking and the sound of shrill whistles woke Kitsuke again. Even thoguh he had only been asleep for a short time it felt like a full night's rest had been attained (convenient, ain't it?). He rose and dressed, leaving his armor and tetsubo (the big clubby) in the room, he went downstairs.

He stopped dead at the bottom of the stairs. The chaos in front of him left a cold chill down his back. "What is happening here? Are we being attacked?" Hearing Isolde's demands he follows her into the wine cellar to be of assistance.

"Excuse me Isolde-sama, allow me to assist you in carrying the wine upstairs. Leaving it all to you would be a gross breach of manners.", Kitsuke waited to be told which case to carry up first.

 

[Neale]

Thorr

Thorr cringed at his sister's words. In truth, he was becoming sorely vexed at all the trappings and ways of 'civilization.' He had tried and tried to fit in around here, like Isolde had done, but he just didn't. Still, if he had to act like one of these city-types in order to win Imoen's hand, then he would.

Afterwards, he just might show Imoen how a barbarian does things...

 

[Isolde]

Now, growing up as a barbarian's daughter, you learn a few lessons that the majority of people dont.

If you are a male, you learn to ravish. If you are a female, you learn to beat the hell out of any man who lays a hand on you cause they are not touching this!

When a female and male barbarian get together it is a sight to see. The male trying to take off with the female and the female beating the pulp out of the male.

If both parties survive the mating ritual they usually know that they are ment for each other and the female lets the male carry her off for a proper ravishment.

But, before she meets her mate, the female shrugs off any male who tries anything and thus, the minute that Creeps' hand hit my shoulder, all my barbarian training and instincts came into play.

Grabbing his hand, I twisted it and leaned forward, using his surprise to unbalance and toss him over my shoulder into the nearest wall.

Looking at the knife thrower that was now upside down against the wall, I wondered why he hadnt evaded my attack and I figured I had caught him by surprise.

Moving over to look down at him I said,"Um.....no, no...I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

To the eastern gentleman, I said,"Sure. That would be fine. Bring a few kegs of whatever we have down there. Its going to be an open party."

Then back to Creeps,"Does these mean you wont be doing the show tonight?"

 

[THEBRAT]

Charlene

I walk into the Kitchen I take my Madalion off you were right!

I am Insane Cousin or Something to Princess her life is in Deadly Danger and only an Insane Person could pull off this Mission and pester You & Brent to Death into joining!

The Ralph/Brent you are wrong about The Holy Grenade!

It can split a person if that person has already been split in Two by Evil Magic!

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

I stay stunned as Isolde hurls me against the wall, that was really uncalled for. When I finally gained back my senses again I said, "yeah, I'm still doing that show, but whats with the attitude all of a sudden? Did you have a change of heart, or somehting". I knew Isolde wasn't evil, and I was pretty sure she did that because of her barbarian instincts.

 

[Isolde]

I sat down next to Creeps and put my elbow on my knees, my chin in my hands.

"Sorry about that," I said,"I guess you can take the girl out of the barbarian lands but you simply cannot take the barbarian out of the girl."

Looking down at him, I smiled my best smile,"Can I get you some whiskey to ease the throbbing of those bruises your are going to have?"

 

[MrSand]

Mergale

After my evil bath, I sneak down the stairs just in time to see Creeps catapulted to the wall. I giggle with malevolence and sneak into the kitchen for some food. After a nice meal, I should have enough power to transform back to my usual vile self.

As I entered teh kitchen, I see the fake bartender making a cake. I shrug at his antics, and shout, "Hey! Pretty boy! Give me some food so that I may regain my power, transform to normal, and kill you."

 

[The GrandMage]

Wolfstien

He glanced up. It was the weird, evil, red-eyed woman again. and she was demanding food. Fine. He turned, and pulled up a sharp carving knife, spinning it through his fingers as he pulled a large peice of beef out of the place where they were keeping it. in a flash, the knife was moving through the meat, slicing it into small peices. he shoved those into a large cauldron-like pot, following it with potatoes, carrots, and corns, eventually filling what space was left with water, and adding some beef stock he got from a jar in a cupboard. he luged the pot over, setting it above the fire. He turned to the woman.

"Alright. A whole pot of stew. and a loaf of bread. It'll be a few minutes. You can wait that long, can't you?" He turned, and picked up the bread he had made earlier from where he had discarded it on a table, and cut off the part he had bitten, popping what bread was taken off into his mouth and swallowing. He then set the bread on a stool near the fire.

He then turned back, putting the cake batter into seven circular trays of different sizes, and slid them into the oven. He took the bowls of icing, and got some of those little icing bag things out, making the final preparations. He picked up the carving knife, and gave it a final twirl through his fingers as he saw a hand reaching out to get some icing. He threw the knife out, and it hit the table, going between two fingers, almost cutting them, but somehow not. "Don't touch that."

He put the last of the batter in a round bowl, setting it into the oven on a small tripod to hold it up. Satisfied, he went to preparing the icing.

 

[kitsuke]

Samurai Baka!

Kitsuke lugged six barrels of ale up the stairs and looked at the massive pile of it in the corner. Then he looked at Thorr, sighing he went back downstairs and brought up four more (yes, this took him ten trips total, no four under each arm for him). He then went down and proceeded to raid the wine rack for a bridal toast. He felt that Isolde, not being a barbarian may insist on this.

Kitsuke then looked around seeing if anything else needed to be done. Hmm, they would need a holy man correct?

Walking out in the street and accosted the first person he saw. The man pointed him to a steepled building several streets over. Kistuke walked to it and entered, his two swords causing a bit of a commotion at the entrance.

Walking up to a man in a cassock he asked simply, "Are you shugenja? No, holy man is what I mean."

The man gave him a stragne look but nodded in the affirmative.

"Are you allowed to perform marriage ceremonies?", Kitsuke asked, thinking that he would not bring any novice to this affair.

The man once again nodded yes.

"Hmmm...,", Kitsuke tried to think of anything that may have ben left out, "Are you familiar with 'baraberi-en' marriages?" he asked squinting with skepticism.

At this the man grinned widely and stood up, towering over Kitsuke at seven feet tall even. He nodded his head enthusiastically, and motioned that he would go with Kitsuke.

"Er," Kitsuke said, "can you speak?"

"When I have thing to say, yes." said the very large man.

That sealed it, Kitsuke thought. He comes, if they don't like him, they can get their own holy man.

When they entered the tavern the big man spied Thorr and stopped. Bellowing out some hideous yell he ran to the center of the room. "Never did I expect to find this curdled yak's milk here! Who is the amazingly stalwart woman who is going to marry this lump of elk dung?", he glared menacingly at Thorr, "How is it with you my mother's uncle's cousin's chieftain's nephew's daughter-in-law's son???"

Wow, thought Kitsuke, these people kept a real track of their relations it seemed.

 

[THEBRAT]

Charlene

I sneek down stairs and ask Isolde if I can pester Thorr?

I say to Isolde that Thorr is looking like Sad Dragon that has lost his Tail!


THorr needs someone to cheer him up I will pester him I am very good at pestering people but only if Isolde say yes!


If way Thorr is acting is Love Me want no Part of it yuck would rather pester people!

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

"Isolde, you know I don't drink alcohol, it affects my skills as a thief". I get back up, looking a bit dazed, but I shake myself off. Feeling refreshed I look at Isolde again, "so, are we ready to start the show?"

 

[Isolde]

I gave Creeps a doubtful gaze at the dazed look in his eyes.

"Oh..um..well...why dont we have you sit down for a bit," I said as I scrambled to my feet and slipped my arm around his waist and led him to a chair. I really wasnt in the mood to get in front of one of those knives until I knew he was one hundred percent.

Setting him down, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a large bowl. There was a large kettle of stew bubbling and some bread beside it.

Taking much of the stew and the bread, I turned to see the strange woman that had been in and out of the inn. Giving her a dark look, I said,"Employees only! Out! Out of my kitchen. You want food...order and pay for it like a regular customer! I have a partner that knows how to use a broom handle. I'm warning you."

After chasing the woman out of the kitchen, I went back to Creeps and put the stew and bread in front of him.

"Eat that and it will steady you," I told him.

 

[The GrandMage]

Wolfstien

He whistled happily, moving about his business. And his business was cooking. The cake got done cooking rather quickly, and he pulled the trays out, getting a large, thin wooden block out and setting it on the counter. He glanced around, and let out a sigh. He wasn't about to leave his cake alone.

He ripped the cutains off the window, and gave it a short washing. It was a deep red, once years of soot and dust were wiped away. He shrugged, it would do. He layed it out over the block, and set the biggest layer of cake down, covering it with a thin layer of a snowy white icing. Then went the next biggest layer, and another layer of icing. It went up, seven layers, covered by a dome of cake that came out of the bowl.

Then, red icing, carefully set alond the upper edge of the circular layers of cake. When that was done, he summoned a barrier around it, just so no one would fiddle with it, and went out to the main room. He strolled over to Isolde, wiping his hands off on the apron he had on. He cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but what kind of food do you want made, and what are the wishes of a happy future you want written on the cake?"

 

[MrSand]

Mergale

"Erk..." I said as Isolde shushed me out of the kitchen. This was so unfair! I was so hungry I could eat ten raw chickens with the guts still inside them!

I sighed sadly and sat at a table. I couldn't tell the idiot woman that I was really her bartender. She would become too suspicious, and might alert AOL (The Army of Light).

So, swallowing my pride and hunger, I sat at the table silently, my stomache growling and my endless well of anger and hate filling to the brim.

"They will pay..." I mutter.

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

I ate the stew, and felt refreshed, "I think we can start the show now". I pay for the stew, and lead Isolde on stage, "excuse me folks, can I direct your a attention to the stage please, thank you", when the noise died down I began to speak again, "hello, I am here today to perform an astounding act. I am going to throw all the knives on this table at that spinning board", I point toward the rotating object near the wall, the crowd began smirk, and laugh since I'm sure they all knew how to throw a knife at a board. "Wait a minute, don't smirk, and laugh just yet, I will be doing this with help of my lovely assistant, and owner of this tavern, the brave Isolde people, lets have a hand for the lovely Isolde!" Everyone started to clap, and cheer. I turn to Isolde, "are you ready to do this?", I ask.