The Horny Unicorn

[The_high_king]

Creeps

I fire a bolt, sending it flying through a bunny chest. I shoot every bunny I saw with master accuracy. I then noticed some bunnies were attempting to kick rocks at me with their strong legs. I duck, I spin to my left then I do a back flip, and fire a few more shots killing most of the rock kicking bunnies. Then their were three left. They continue their barrage of rcoks, and stones. I bend backwards, *camera goes to slow motion, and starts to rotate around me**I continue bending backwards with rocks, and stones whizzing past me in slow motion*. Landing on my side I shoot, and kill the remaining rock kicking rabbits. I take a breath, "that wasn't so hard". I get back up, and join the fight.

ooc: was that a bit to far fetched there?

 

[Imoen]

OOC: Definitely! Yes. Just a bit, maybe. Perhaps. Nahhhhhh. I mean we had the heavens split and the voice of god in a previous post, so what's a lil bunny-butt-kicking? Kinda pales in comparison when you think of it that way. Least in my humble opinion. The barbarian's may differ slightly.

And as for the post below, just to answer now - Yes. I do plan to pull the cheeziest parts from every favorite movie of mine that I can remember. You're just gonna have to deal with it.

IC:
Imoen leaned against the bar, a mournful expression on her face.
"You know, Isolde, I almost feel kind of guilty about sending your brother out on that quest. Almost, but not quite."

Her chin cupped thoughtfully in her hand as she rested her elbow on the counter. "I sort of kind of forgot to mention a coupla other dangers they might encounter along the way. Well actually, there's just the one other that I know of. The S.O.U.S's."

At Isolde's confused glance, she explained. "The S.O.U.S's. You know, Sheep Of Unusual Size. Humongous things they are. Very fierce too. No where near as docile as your everyday normal sized sheep. Clever, vicious fighters too. They'll prove quite the challenge. Especially if they're still lead by their leader, Harold." She shutters delicately at the thought of that particular massive, cruel sheep.

 

[Neale]

Thorr

Thorr had been prepared to leap into valiant battle, but decided to take a nap instead. The sounds of mortal combat soothed him, giving him very restful dreams. Upon awakening, he noticed Creeps' weapon, and drooled. "Dat the new Marksman 5000, infinite ammo, superfast automatic crossbow? Wow!"

 

[THEBRAT]

Charlene

Isolde & Imoen What do you want for Dinner?

I have Baked A Very Special Shepards Pie with some of my own special Ingredients The Delicious Smell will make the people come back to Town!

If Bartender Mervin comes back I will have a very special Surprise for him Rolling Pin along side of his head!

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

I answer to Thorr, "no, its just a semi-automatic crossbow of the 6000 series, nice try though". I continue shooting down the rabbits.

 

[MrSand]

Mergale, the transie?

"What do you mean no?!" I shout at the hooker.

"Look, hun, I maybe a whore, but at least I'm an honest one." The scantily clad woman in front of me twirled her hair around a finger. "I won't help you kill some poor dope just so you can steal his Testes of Power. Sicko..."

"TOTEM OF POWER, YOU WENCH!" I shout. My eyes begin to glow red as I grabbed her hand. "Listen, woman, you will obey me or face my vile anger!"

Suddenly, a man with large hair and silky garments siddled up to us and said, "Yo, foo! Take yo hands off my merchandise and get yo foo ass outta hee, or I cut yo mutha fuckin ass!"

Regardless to say, I left.

**************************************************
I paced the inn room I had rented in aggitation.

Damn.... how was I to escape this situation? I needed a woman to lull that baker to unsuspecting idiocy, which would allow me to sneak behind him and snuff out his insignificant life! But no woman in town would help me, no matter how much I threatened them. Was I doing something wrong?

"Bah, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!" I say to myself. Quickly summoning up my powers, I cause my evil body to transform. The black miasma surrounded me, and soon my wiry limbs, demonic features, and white hair began to change. Even the clothing I wore changed as I willed it.

After several minutes, I checked myself in the mirror.

"Excellent," I say in my new feminine, yet still evil-sounding voice. I regarded the beautiful woman before the mirror and smiled at the luxurious black hair, buxom veluptuous body (which was covered in a form-fitting yet unslutty evening dress), and the seductive facial features. Unfortunately, my eyes still remained blood red, but I doubt very much that the foolish baker would be looking at that particular feature.

"Now, I wait for said mortal to enter, turn on my charms, and WHAM!!! Totem of Power is mine!" I chuckle. This was fun; I hadn't done anything like this since I was experimenting during my college days.

I quickly don my dark sunglasses and sit on the bed to wait for my helpless victim. Soon, Mergale the Dreaded shall return with a vengeance!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

[The_high_king]

MrSand

ooc: I just hope the baker dosn't try to grope you . By the way, since its a holy grenade, won't it burn your hands if you try to touch it.

 

[The GrandMage]

Brent, Royal Baker

He wrapped his fingers around the grenade, and slid a finger through the Holy Pin. And then it happened. He opened his mouth.

Nearly five thousand years ago, a Mage of unimaginablr power had given life to three children. One had become a great Dark Lord, to whom some of the most evil traced their geneology to. Another had been the First Paladin of Glory, who's only living descendent at this point was one of the Princess's most powerful allies. And finally, one of the children had been born a monster, Only two remained in that bloodline. And both were located on Mt. Whatever at that moment.

A great warcry broke from his throat, and great reptilian wings sprouted from his back, horns bursting out of his skull. He launched himself at the bunnies. All of the killer rabbits ran for the cover of their cave/den. He followed them, and a cry of "One! Two! Three!" was heard before a grand explosion and flash of brilliant light signaled the use of the Holy Grenade of Antioch. The bunnies,....were dead. All of them, dead. And the baker with them.

 

[The GrandMage]

The Ralph

OOC: For those who don't know, Ralph translates to 'Wolf Shepard', and is how I'm using it. Also, this is the other monster child thing I mention in the last 'Brent, Royal Baker' post.


IC:
He rode out on the giant timberwolf, raising his staff up and screaming at the warriors, "Run for your lives! The sheep approach!"

He rode into to the former killer bunnies' cave, and came out seconds later, carrying the now replenished Holy Grenade. He stuffed it in a bag containing a few other Totems of Power. "Run! Run! They come for blood!"

He rode past the warriors just as the giant sheep thundered into view. Foam and blood ran from their mouths, bloodshot glowing green eyes glaring. Although Harold led them not, it barely mattered, the were out for blood.

 

[kitsuke]

Kitsuke

"An oni? But what sort... Oni no Azamukimadowasu? Well, whatever it was, it sacrificed itself that we may live. I shall honor it's death for that. Come my companions, we must gain the summit of this mount before the dragon tires of our antics and flies down to pick us off at it's leisure.", that said he began to ascend the slope once again.



.... an ominous bleating is heard in the distance....

 

[MrSand]

Mergale

Sitting on the bed, twiddling my thumbs, I waited. I glance up at the wall clock for perhaps the twentieth time; still, he had not shown. I wondered what was wrong, when a sudden thought struck me.

"I... I got stood up!" I say, horror and grief in my lovely yet evil voice. "How could this have happened?!!"

I felt increadibly distraught, even though the logical part of my mind was screaming at me to knock off the pansy antics. I wept at my pillow.

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

I hear the bleeting of the foul sheep froma distance, "I have a plan", I say. "Okay, Thorr, I need you to step over here, perfect. Now turn thirty degrees to your left, thats good". I give Thorr a piece of rock, "now samurai guy. I need you to take out your club, and stand over there, good. Now, heres what we will do. Thorr, I want you to throw that rock at the samurai guy, alright". Thorr looked doubtful, "Thorr, might hurt sword man". I tell him to trust me. "Okay, samurai guy, when Thorr throws that rock at you, I need you to attack that rock with a swing of your club, as hard as you can okay". I stand behind Thorr, "get ready". The bleeting was getting louder.

 

[kitsuke]

Kitsuke had no doubt of his ability to attack the rock.... but it was an awfully large rock... well, if this would bring us closer to victory.

"Hai.", he said simply and took position with club raised high.

 

[The GrandMage]

Brent, Former Royal Baker

Well, perhaps dead was exaggerating a little. He was alive, but he wasn't a baker anymore. He had large, black, reptilian wings, and two curved spiral horns growing out of his head, plus a slight case of amnesia.

He managed to pitter-patter his way back to the 'Horny Unicorn', but stopped at the Inn next door. Something in the back of his mind directed him to room 2-B. Once through the door, he collapsed. His right arm twitched, bathed in power. It turns out that holding the Holy Grenade when it goes off does weird things to you.

He gave a small groan. He lay, listening to the sounds of,...weeping?

 

[The GrandMage]

The Ralph

He gave a glance back, then turned the wolf around, riding back to them. "No, fools! Look!"

The leading sheep were actually rams, great horns protecting their charging heads. "You can't hurt them! Run! Run like little wimps! The only hope is to curve around to the mountain peak, where the dragon is! It's quite intelligent, and eats the sheep! If we can lure them there, the dragon will eat them, and save us for conversation. Now, run like crazy!"

And he was off again, on the small trail he'd made by doing this hundreds of times. It was his job to lead the sheep to their deaths, so they wouldn'tbreed so much they'd leave the area and attack others.

 

[MrSand]

Mergale

I cease my pathetic whimpering as I hear a thump outside my door. Curious, I get off the bed and open the room's door. Curiosity turned to delight as I beheld the bloody and battered form of the baker outside my room.

"Yes!" I shout. I wasn't stood up; he had just gotten the bloody crap beaten out of him. I put my hands on my curvy hips and laugh maniacally. "I still got it!"

With my female pride soothed, I begin searching the unconcious baker for the Totem of Power. Not finding anything, I growl in fury and mercilessly give the prone form a savage kick. "Alright, Pillsbury Dough Boy!" I shout. "What gives? Where's your Totem of Power?"

Adjusting my glasses, I kneel next to him and smack his face a bit, trying to wake him up. "Hello! Hello! I'm talking to you, you pathetic disgusting mortal!"

 

[The GrandMage]

Brent, Former Royal Baker

Grabs the female creature's wrist, and gets up, spreading his great wings. "Mine brother, the shepherd of wolves, has taken the item."

He reached up, and held his head with his rigt hand. Upon contact, the power that had clung to his body when the grenade went off flashed through him, bringing him back to himself and forming a mental link with The Ralph.

He shook his head. "I am not used to this life I find mineself in. Perchance I could use thine bed? And please,..." He removes the glasses from the other.

"Do not call me a mortal. I am as powerful a creature as you."

 

[Isolde]

I shrugged as Imoen poured out her concern for my brother.

"Oh, I'm not worried about sheep. Thorr can easily get past them but you did mention the giant spiders that spin their webs between the gorge just before you get to the dragon didnt you?"

"Thorr hates spiders. I always had to kill them when we were kids and the fact that thier webs are silken enough to not be seen until a person is stuck is not a detail to forget."

I thought for a moment before commenting again,"Though, you know it is amazing that those webs are strong enough to hold a man Thorr's size but legend has it once you get stuck you are spider food."

 

[kitsuke]

Me

ooc: lol, guys, i think the ladies hate us now..., let's run while we can?

IC:

Hearing the strategy of the wolf rider, who was native and knew better than all of us combined Kitsuke jumped down from his perch and ran like hell directly after the loping wolf.

"This had better work, gaijin! I do not relish such an ignominous death as being trampled by livestock! I can tell you that if I die here I will personally come back from Jigoku to-hrk!", his words were cut off as he leapt over a rock and never came down. "What is this?? My arm is stuck to... the air? No there is something here... a web?? But it is huge.. and, and something is starting to move!!"


OoC:What's next? Rampaging Chipmunks??? (NO, you can't!!)

 

[The GrandMage]

The Ralph

He stopped, and went back, drawing a small sword and cutting through the silken strand. "Don't worry, we're still far from their lands. And I personally try to avoid them. The dragon has hunting grounds I go to. The only thing between us and that is a few trolls, an army of evil poptarts led by Bymar, and a few gorgons. Now up ya go."

He pulled the only one of the warriors showing any brains up onto the wolf. "Just,...Don't touch me. Hold on to the wolf. She's big enough."

And with that, they were off. The wolf running quickly across the rocky landscape.

 

[The_high_king]

Creeps

I listen to Ralph's plan, and start to run, "I still liked my plan better", I quietly say. I start to pout, and mumble as I run. He then tells us about trolls, and poptarts up ahead. No problem, I could shoot down trolls just as easily as gobbling up poptarts.

ooc: honestly, poptarts? What do they do, shoot their gooey insides at us?

 

[Neale]

Thorr

Thorr watched as the heavily laden wolf drew the killer sheep off into the distance. He turned to Creeps, and shrugged. "Guess we go on now, hokay?"

Creeps, also looking a bit confused, nodded.

Thorr grimaced. "Thorr hate poptarts... burn Thorr's mouth!"

The two comrades continued up the trail, then heard a particularly ominous bleating behind them. With catlike reflexes, Thorr spun, barely deflecting a bolt of magical lightning with his enchanted blade. Before them stood a very large, very wicked looking sheep, wearing glasses. In unison, they cried, "Harold!" Thorr spat, "Him clever sheep... very dangerous... and tasty!"

With a blood-curdling cry, Thorr flung himself at the sheep while Creeps readied his crossbow. "Thorr carve off chunks! Creeps make lamb-kabob!"

Soon, the heroes feasted on their kabob, nicely spiced with what Thorr had coincidentally brought in his pack. "Him not so clever... Him no bring vegetables!"

 

[MrSand]

Mergale

I shrieked in hatred as the former baker dared to grasp my delicate yet evil wrist. He then made a claim of being my equal?! How dare he!

I snarled as he removed my glasses, causing my eyes to glow bright red. "You pathetic miserable half-ling! You dare to claim you are my equal in power? Well, have a taste of this insect!"

I lash my palm out at his chest, focusing my vile power. A black miasma began to form, and I laughed as I prepared to unleash hellfire upon this loathesome being. Unfortuantely, I had used up all my strength transforming, and the hellfire in my hands became hellsmoke. It puffed up into the air, causing a rather heady odor, much like potporri.

"Oh shit," I mutter, looking at the floor in embarrassment. "Sorry. That, um, usually doesn't happen, you know. I... um... never had this happen before..."

 

[kitsuke]

ooc: ... rofl... it seems our resident dark lord may need some Dark Viagra... he just can't seem to keep his powers up

 

[The GrandMage]

Brent, Former Royal Baker

He grinned. He brought the tips of his wings together, then drew them apart, a small flame appearing between them. He reached a hand out, and withdrew his wings. The flame flared in his hand.

"Would you like to borrow some flame to throw at me? I'm terriblely tired. If you'll excuse me...."

He threw the flame in the room's small fireplace, letting it flare up, and went over to the bed, drawing his wings to his body before flopping down on the bed. "Humph. I hope you didn't pay much for this room. The bed is full of lumps."