Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

[lovecraft68]

Is it me or are you itchy too?

 

[someoneyouknow]

A metallic click.

 

[JKendallDane]

"I really should do something about these bed bugs."

.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

(When al fresco): "Is this poison ivy?"

(Quietly, close to your ear) "Mommy?"

 

[My I]

Gunshots.

At close range.

 

[loquere]

Next!

 

[nosebone]

I think my water just broke.

 

[loquere]

Sex has been cancelled for now, please be patient and you'll be sent an alert shortly.

 

[RNJAG]

Don't even think about it. I have extra penicillin.

 

[JasonClearwater]

'Is it supposed to squeak on entry like that?'

 

[Handley_Page]

Did you take all your meds this morning ?

 

[rae121452]

my dick was bigger than yours before the operation.

 

[Handley_Page]

A very discrete cough followed by the sound to two hammers being cocked. . .

 

[My I]

Coming from a bullhorn outside your door (whilst flood lights illuminate the entire house) :

"This is Special Investigator Smith. Federal Bureau of Investigations. You in the house, come out with your hands above your heads."

 

[ChloeTzang]

I haven't done this before but isn't it supposed to be hard or something?

 

[JasonClearwater]

Coming from a bullhorn outside your door (whilst flood lights illuminate the entire house) :

"This is Special Investigator Smith. Federal Bureau of Investigations. You in the house, come out with your hands above your heads."

That sounds like the brilliant opening lines of an April Fool's story...

 

[My I]

I haven't done this before but isn't it supposed to be hard or something?

"Oh, my god, Sweetie it's all swollen! Should I get you an ice pack?

 

[ChloeTzang]

"Oh, my god, Sweetie it's all swollen! Should I get you an ice pack?

Aaaaahhhhhh Sweet Jesus honey, you said an ice pack, that's frigging LIQUID NITROGEN!

 

[My I]

Aaaaahhhhhh Sweet Jesus honey, you said an ice pack, that's frigging LIQUID NITROGEN!

"But it's not swollen anymore."

 

[KindofHere]

.................

 

[JasonClearwater]

-Oh, this is a #MeToo moment, don't you think?

-It's a good thing you said yes, because I don't take no for an answer.

-The condom broke halfway through, so that's like a 50/50 chance you'll be clean after this.

-I'm done, you can stop now.

-No, you're a good size.

-Oh, you want the lights on? But I need the lights off.

-Hold still, I'm going to prove to you it fits.

-This would be so much easier if you didn't fight.

-Uh oh, I think dinner has hit bottom: restroom break.

Actually, # 8 is on my list of 'things I enjoy hearing during sex...'

 

[loquere]

The condom broke.

 

[loquere]

I regret this.

 

[loquere]

This was a mistake.

 

[Handley_Page]

My Dad is going to be really angry 'bout this.