What do you fear?

[YourCaptor]

Oh you mean you didn't just smile and go on your merry way?

I'm shocked, children are such sunny little blossoms, they really have no idea when they have death hanging over their head and don't care.

I think this "positivity at any cost" expectation we've leveled at the sick is the WORST kind of cruelty. It's good to be positive, but it's not something one should rationally *expect* of anyone in crisis. It creates this horrible internal yardstick where people worry about complaint rather than worrying about the cost of NOT unburdening themselves in an honest manner of anger and fear, and accepting the negative that is endemic to being sick and to which you are *entitled.*

God, if only it were that simple and everything you got was either good or bad, either a lemon or lemonade.

Ok fine, I just don't want to argue anymore, but I feel bad for you, it doesn’t have to be bad if you don’t want it to be. I have done it, I love life, I am no longer afraid to die.

 

[Netzach]

Yeah I love life too, for what it is, not for what I pretend it is or try to force it to be. For exactly as it is.

 

[HottieMama]

i fear becoming an arrogant, know it all, asshat in the future.

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

Ok fine, I just don't want to argue anymore, but I feel bad for you, it doesn’t have to be bad if you don’t want it to be. I have done it, I love life, I am no longer afraid to die.

OK, you win, you're right, I don't want to be sick anymore, I have a big smile on my face, and a positive mental attitude, WOW!, I am cured!

I am positive, if not I would have killed myself.

I wake up most mornings not even having the strength to get out of bed, I can't do more than 6 stairs without being exhausted, I can't play with my kids the way I would like, I can't walk my dog, I had to stop a successful business because I was too tired & weak to make appearances, I am no longer allowed to drive alone, I take meds that make me sick, I take another that causes HUGE bruises every time I inject my insulin, and I can't always be the Master that I need to be, or that is ingrained in my brain. Sometimes it's a bit rough to have a good attitude, but I do my best to see the big picture, I will get a new heart, and I will be better.

As far as a child, I was one of the youngest children in the country to be diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I was 2 years old and that was 49 years ago, Medicine was much different than it is now, just the size of the syringes in 1956 would scare the shit out of anyone, I had a hard time understanding for many years why my parents wanted to hurt me like that 4 times a day.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I am even more sick and tired of your idiocy. Don't think for a minute that you can understand what I am going through, you aren't me. I am sure you had serious health issues, but they were yours, and not mine. I am sorry you had to be in a wheelchair,and you got too tired to push it. I wasn't even given the chance to push it.

I am officially done with you, and blocked your stupid ass.

Can we now just get back to the original thought behind this thread? I don't need your sympathy or your advice, I simply wanted to understand what other people, perhaps more intelligent people were afraid of.

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

i fear becoming an arrogant, know it all, asshat in the future.

Don't worry HM, YC has that locked up tight

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."
Donald Rumsfeld

 

[missy_me]

That I will lose more weight.
That I will settle for giving less than I can.
That I get cynical.
That I won't be able to get over some of the fears I have because of my previous relationship.

 

[h_i_s]

.....

 

[Tabea]

I fear not doing well in my final examination

 

[Leashed]

My greatest fear hands down is out living my children.

 

[Bandit58]

Ok fine, I just don't want to argue anymore, but I feel bad for you, it doesn’t have to be bad if you don’t want it to be. I have done it, I love life, I am no longer afraid to die.

We live with Sir's renal failure, diabetes and other medical issues every day. He spends 21-24 hours (spread over 3 days a week) on a haemodialysis machine at home. It's very stressful for both of us - it involves needles and blood and sometimes things go wrong. He recently spent two weeks in hospital and underwent two surgeries because His access clotted. Just last week one of the cannulas bombed (went through the graft) and caused a bleed into His arm. Luckily all seems to be well still. I am paranoid about another clotting episode - that means access will have to go into His thigh next time.

We try to live as normal a life as possible. But these are things outside our control. Sometimes He is too tired to feel up to doing anything. We don't want our life to be like this and I'm sure neither do IYM or sinn or anyone else with chronic illness.

It's easy to spout on about "mind over matter". Well I'm sure if He could will His illness and tiredness away He would We live with His limitations because we have to and we make the best of things. We have lots of love and laughter here. He tells me His life has never been better since we have been together. He also tells me that He wishes it were different and that we could have a "normal" life together. We won't have that, because unlike IYM Sir is not eligible for a transplant because of His other health issues besides the kidney failure.

I have done it, I love life, I am no longer afraid to die.

Well good for you. But please don't be so patronising and condescending to others who are struggling

 

[SubKekiLee]

Losing my children before I pass...

Losing my family...

Losing my Sir....

or not being a good wonderful human being....

 

[Bandit58]

I am paranoid about another clotting episode

Damn it - not 3 hours after I posted this it happened again - there was no pulse in His fistula. The warfarin was supposed to keep this from happening He's in the hospital. They are giving him plasma IV to thicken his blood so they can hopefully unclog it tomorrow morning - then I guess they will fill him full of heparin to thin it down again

Everything was fine yesterday when he dialysed....we are both baffled and upset that this has happened again only 3 months after the last episode

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Damn it - not 3 hours after I posted this it happened again - there was no pulse in His fistula. The warfarin was supposed to keep this from happening He's in the hospital. They are giving him plasma IV to thicken his blood so they can hopefully unclog it tomorrow morning - then I guess they will fill him full of heparin to thin it down again

Everything was fine yesterday when he dialysed....we are both baffled and upset that this has happened again only 3 months after the last episode

Sorry to hear this, Bandit. I'll keep a set of good vibes pointed in your/his direction.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Outliving my kids. Outliving my husband.

Dementia. I've been watching my mother lose her personality, her ability to reason, her ability to make sense of the world....hell, forget the world, the microwave. And she knows it's happening.

I'd like to take a positive view of all this but death without dying just really sucks.

 

[Etoile]

Being left alone. I need my wife so bad. I'm sure it's terribly codependent, but I really do need her, and I don't want her to die or run off with someone else. Seriously, I need her.

 

[HottieMama]

Damn it - not 3 hours after I posted this it happened again - there was no pulse in His fistula. The warfarin was supposed to keep this from happening He's in the hospital. They are giving him plasma IV to thicken his blood so they can hopefully unclog it tomorrow morning - then I guess they will fill him full of heparin to thin it down again

Everything was fine yesterday when he dialysed....we are both baffled and upset that this has happened again only 3 months after the last episode

Bandit, you and Gil are in my prayers. (i have a soft spot for him after the comments he made a few months ago about my smile...)

Please take care of yourself...

 

[WriterDom]

Becoming like my mother, in my opinion she turned into a complete nut.

Large spiders. The small ones don't bother me unless they can jump, then I scream.

The little jumping spiders can lay eggs in your vagina and you'll wake up one night covered with them. I saw it on the crocodile hunter.

 

[Etoile]

The little jumping spiders can lay eggs in your vagina and you'll wake up one night covered with them. I saw it on the crocodile hunter.

Somehow I think you're yanking chains here, WD. What on earth would make me think that?

 

[EmpressFi]

The little jumping spiders can lay eggs in your vagina and you'll wake up one night covered with them. I saw it on the crocodile hunter.

I hate you... I really really do

 

[fishercat]

I hate you... I really really do

I'm with you on that. Very mean image to leave a spider-phobe with!

On the other hand, I tried to imagine the Crocodile Hunter explaining how "these amazing little spiders find their way into a warm spot like a woman's vagina and lay millions and millions of eggs. And then, all the little babies pour out and explore their new world. Isn't that amazing mate?" All said with his lovely accent and crazy half-yelling delivery style. Made it kind of funny.

 

[h_i_s]

.....

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Mistakes and spiders.

 

[graceanne]

Ok fine, I just don't want to argue anymore, but I feel bad for you, it doesn’t have to be bad if you don’t want it to be. I have done it, I love life, I am no longer afraid to die.

i fear becoming an arrogant, know it all, asshat in the future.

*spew*

Damn it - not 3 hours after I posted this it happened again - there was no pulse in His fistula. The warfarin was supposed to keep this from happening He's in the hospital. They are giving him plasma IV to thicken his blood so they can hopefully unclog it tomorrow morning - then I guess they will fill him full of heparin to thin it down again

Everything was fine yesterday when he dialysed....we are both baffled and upset that this has happened again only 3 months after the last episode

*hugs*

The little jumping spiders can lay eggs in your vagina and you'll wake up one night covered with them. I saw it on the crocodile hunter.

I just want to know who agreed to them filming their vagina full of spider eggs, and when that show jumped the G-rating I thought it always had.

I wanna know how a person wouldn't notice a little sac of eggs in their vagina - that would definitely be noticeable to me.

 

[h_i_s]

.....

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. I'm waiting on a phone call to let me know what's going to happen this morning - He was on nil by mouth from midnight so hopefully they can get in and do something today.

*sorry for the hijack*

Last cycle of Lovenox (almost like Heparin shots, but they work differently) that IYM completed (over 2 weeks, twice daily) left His entire abdominal area shades of angry red and dark purple from deep bruising. We ran out of nonbruised areas to adminster the shots within the first 3 days. By that time it was very painful for Him (He described the pain as feeling like the medicine was causing His flesh to melt and lasting as long as 45 minutes to an hour) physically and for me emotionally (being the one who has to give Him those shots).

Sir ended up with big black and blue areas on His stomach last time which took weeks to fade. He's been on warfarin ever since. We have no idea why it still clotted as He's been taking 8mg (a fairly high dose) religiously.

The little jumping spiders can lay eggs in your vagina and you'll wake up one night covered with them. I saw it on the crocodile hunter.

WD no fair scaring subs That's why I wear panties at night, got to keep them spiders out of there