❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[DeepGreenEyes]

I remember Keroin making this argument, years ago: kink is a luxury for the rich. But much of that is what wealth buys: time (as fara said). Time is the mother of sleep, exercise, freshly prepared foods, relaxation, laundry that’s done, partner connections, munch attendance, kinky planning. Time makes healthy kink.

The poor can sometimes be time-rich, too. A single childless artist cool with humble surroundings can Dom the fuck out of his or her own schedule.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I remember Keroin making this argument, years ago: kink is a luxury for the rich. But much of that is what wealth buys: time (as fara said). Time is the mother of sleep, exercise, freshly prepared foods, relaxation, laundry that’s done, partner connections, munch attendance, kinky planning. Time makes healthy kink.

The poor can sometimes be time-rich, too. A single childless artist cool with humble surroundings can Dom the fuck out of his or her own schedule.

Accurate. The converse can also be very true. I've run into more Doctors who only have time to play casually or on a touch and go basis because they simply do not have the time to put into a long term relationship. Same with some very successful people I know or have had opportunity to meet. They may be FAR better off financially, but time wise it is very tight. Then again, you make time for what is important to you. Priorities. That is true for every social and financial strata.

edit: so I guess that is the end of the line of logic for me: the #1 limiting factor is dedication and prioritization. If it is high on your list of *important things* then you will find a way to make due whatever your time or financial comfort is. It may look completely different when you do... (toys that buzz and purr vs hey! I didn't know a paperclip could do THAT *cool!* ) but where there is a will (and a sincere desire/prioritization) then there is a way.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Accurate. The converse can also be very true. I've run into more Doctors who only have time to play casually or on a touch and go basis because they simply do not have the time to put into a long term relationship. Same with some very successful people I know or have had opportunity to meet. They may be FAR better off financially, but time wise it is very tight. Then again, you make time for what is important to you. Priorities. That is true for every social and financial strata.

Good point. A twist on the golden handcuffs: In some professions, if you make a lot of gold, you won’t get handcuffs.

 

[Karabare]

The bigger hotel type play parties do offer volunteer opportunities to get in to the parties for free. When a big party has a theme, most of my friends got their outfits from a thrift store. I attended a "Malpractice" party and went as a lawyer. I bought a men's suit at a thrift store and wore a bra with my suit coat open. I made up my own business cards out of index cards from the dollar store. (My law office of Bendover, Spreadem, Wyder and Wyder could get you out of any fix)

I'm in love.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I'm in love.

Yeah, that was incredibly clever. I definitely cracked a smile. Cookie is brilliant.

 

[cookiecat]

Well hey! Thanks. Kinky inspirational friends help in the creativity department.

 

[Mei5ter]

#68

Do you believe that there is a correlation between access to money and access to kink? Does a lower income deny people inclusive community or the ability to pursue their kink?

What an interesting set of replies.

I take the general point that anyone's sex life can suffer when they are tired, drained, or worried about money. Fara makes the point about someone in a blue-collar job being too physically tired to want to play pet girls. Equally, directing a two-hour scene with your partner after you've been telling employees what to do for the past ten hours can also feel like a step too far.

My personal experience is a little different, though. Some aspects of kink have attracted me for as long as I've been sexually active, but it soon became obvious to me that things which I found perfectly natural often wouldn't feel that way to my partner. But, as Kim has said here, vanilla sex can be fantastic too, and I found that preferable to ho-hum kink with a reluctant girlfirend. And in other respects I was generally happy, financially secure, and relatively time-rich, so that worked well enough. It was only years afterwards, when I found myself under huge financial, personal and work pressures, that those cravings for kink resurfaced - and strongly. I suppose an amateur psychologist would suggest that my sudden inability to control other aspects of my life left me with the urge to dominate the fuck out of *someone*. But in any case, it was actually being stressed, constantly tired, short of money and all the rest which reinvograted my kink. If I'd come home to a masochist at the end of the day, she'd have been in heaven.

I've also been interested in the comments here about money being able to buy equipment and costumes, and especially Cookie's superb description of what she wore to her Malpractice party If I came across Cookie at that party, and could see the time, thought, wit and imagination she'd put into her outfit, that would suggest to me that I had met someone who might put the same time, thought, wit and imagination into their kink. Someone who spent 23 seconds ordering an outfit from LoveHoney may have all those qualities too, but their costume doesn't express that in the same way. Equally, while I'm sure it's lots of fun to control a partner's vibrator from thousands of miles away using an app, it's also lots of fun to message her with precise instructions on how to use an office highlighter in the work bathroom. Or so I'm told...

 

[AlpineFresco]

...while I'm sure it's lots of fun to control a partner's vibrator from thousands of miles away using an app...

It is indeed.

 

[AveryElle]

It is indeed.

such a perv.

Lucky me

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#69

#69

Religion and Kink

How have your religious views, or lack thereof, shaped the way you view sex and, as an extension, kinky sex?

(I should not have to say this but please be respectful.)

 

[philos]

#69

Religion and Kinke

How have your religious views, or lack thereof, shaped the way you view sex and, as an extension, kinky sex?

(I should not have to say this but please be respectful.)

My beliefs certainly come into play but I’d like to think in an unconventional way. I go back to creation and everything being made good. We are meant to live in joy and harmony with God and each other. Sexuality is a part of that creation and as beautiful and complex as any other part. So long as it based in love and trust it is a reflection of the goodness of the creator. Kink can certainly fit well within this framework and help us to better understand ourselves, our partners and even our creator. To deny that healthy sexual expression can be a religious experience denies the goodness of the one who made it.

 

[AveryElle]

#69

Religion and Kink

How have your religious views, or lack thereof, shaped the way you view sex and, as an extension, kinky sex?

(I should not have to say this but please be respectful.)

Not at all. My bent doesn't care what you do, within normal legal bounds.
Parenting and having been assaulted have shaped my kinks far more than religion.

 

[AlpineFresco]

#69

Religion and Kink

How have your religious views, or lack thereof, shaped the way you view sex and, as an extension, kinky sex?

(I should not have to say this but please be respectful.)

Pretty much no impact.

 

[twister947]

I have no religious views.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

#69

Religion and Kink

How have your religious views, or lack thereof, shaped the way you view sex and, as an extension, kinky sex?

(I should not have to say this but please be respectful.)

Surprise surprise, I dont fit the norm here. *shrug*

This is a part of me I've not hidden specifically, but I've also not really drawn attention to.

I'm a hijabi woman. For those who don't know the term, it means I wear a headscarf. I cover my body in modest dress from neck to wrists to ankles. Until this past year, I'd been wearing Abaya. In July I actually began wearing loose pants and thigh length blouses much to the shock of my coworkers and students. I actually work at a religious school. I'll point out quietly that I did not name my religion, please don't make assumptions, no matter how logical they would seem.

As my name on the side there would point out, faith is very important to me. I'm a student of comparative religion, and it is a major part of my life. My sexuality is no exception to this rule.

How HAS (past tense) religion shaped my experience of sex? (slightly altered question)
I was raised as the daughter of a priest and a church secretary, but i had an awful experience in the church. I've always been an independent thinker and it resulted in my leaving my parents' church at age 10. Though I was a strong believer that outright penetrative sex should exist within the bonds of marriage. I went through the typical shame game that most kids whose parents are religious go through, and it resulted in me not even learning how or trying to masturbate until age 32. Yes, really.
Due to circumstances beyond my control I ended up pregnant at a very young age, and I gave in to the religious pressure and ended up married too. I had a very strong hope that my faith would see us through. It was as a result of this marriage that I ended up here, when it came to my attention that my first husband was addicted to things here and as part of my duty to him I attempted to understand what it was he needed that I wasnt giving him. My faith was very much shaken at the time. I was having a VERY hard time "letting go and letting God." So I tried to put my head down and consider this an exercise in submitting to my husband's needs..... didn't work.
Still, the thought process kinda stuck. I was 20 at the time, and I thought that I had been fighting with my inability to truly submit to God for a number of years. Perhaps if I learned to submit to man I would better know how to submit to God. My first Master was very much aware of my logic and worked hard to help me with that thought process, then he up and died on me. I was knocked back on my ass, but my logic was not really shaken. My religious views very much shaped my limits, though I dont think any religious leader I knew would have been chill with the things I did... still... it was definitely a factor.
I know my religious views definitely mesh well with my submissive nature, and I know that if it were not for my submissive nature I never would have been drawn to or able to consider marriage to my second husband. A service minded submissive is kinda the ideal image of a wife in my second husband's religious view. Most people here just pass me off as a good *X* religious woman. The truth is it has nothing at all to do with the religion of norm here, and everything to do with who I am.

For us, how we interact with others is a direct reflection of our faith. It is said that if God would have allowed us to bow to any other human, it would be the wife to the husband. We are cautioned to always remember we are each other's covering in all ways. When a wife takes care of her husband, it is a direct service to God, and vice versa. I believe this is a beautiful way to view things regardless of faith. Many times in my marriage when things were rough, it was my faith that kept me in the right frame of mind and not at all my focus on him as a human being. At the worst moments I had three notecards with specific verses printed on them that I would kneel and look at and read over and over until my heart and mind were in the right place. Were it not for a combination of my own submissive self and my faith I know I'd not have made it through even close to whole.

I'm struggling with religion right now. My own real faith is at conflict with what most people assume, but I can not let on. I like breathing. My own religious view is very much at odds with what I do, kink wise. That is not due to intent, but due to ability to do anything about it. I have no right to force my husband to divorce me, so as much as I hate it, in all honesty I'm an adulteress though I adamantly refuse this concept. I'm done with him, in my heart and soul he is NOT my husband. On paper and by religious standards, he very much is and there is nothing I can do about it. I *could* be more patient and just wait to seek a relationship once I'm finally free, but the truth is that my Master (and my previous partners) are those who gave me the strength to GET free.

It hurts me that my current Master is not a man of Faith, though he is the most genuinely good and faithful man I've ever known. It's like the saying that I sincerely believe... in a Muslim country there is very little Islam, in the west, they may not be Muslim, but there is a great deal of Islam everywhere you look. The same is true for him... he is the most Godfearing Godless man I've ever met.

So how does that affect my sex and kink life now? It was one of the most weighty conversations we ever had. It must have been 5 or 6 months ago where he sat me down and told me that he would fight my country, my ex, and the world for me, but he would not fight God for me. Did I understand?
I knew immediately what he was saying, he can fight any set of odds to get us together, but he would not fight my heart and mind for an ideology. He was asking if I was going to put any religious boundaries between us, were there going to be things that were off limits to him because of my faith?
No, it was not even a question. My faith is my own, and it is going nowhere. I strongly believe in God etc, but so long as my Master never asks me to deny this my own self is mine to give.

Faithfully His;
Angie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xg_8-LPq5qY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvlBMuEp2qU&t=1460s
from 26 min on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpcYpbpn8cE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3bPqBW9MOU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuXHj1jQbvI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJvDzeS-CI0&list=PL4C5AD0DAF82ED658

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEzu61Us6pQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQavjtpYEkk

PS: Indie <3 I dont think I could adore you more if I tried. You are an amazing woman.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Ange,

I read through your entire post with much admiration and respect for sharing something so intimate and personal. When I read that last line, I honestly gasped out loud because it was unexpected... Haha. Thank you.

I'm the queen of the overhsare I always hope that something I say will help SOMEONE in some way, and then it's worth it. *shrug* In this case, maybe there is someone else on here where I was 4 years ago, in a situation where their reality and their surroundings don't match and they just don't know how to stand up... in which case, I'm here. I've got a great pair of listening ears, and a bigger stronger pair of arms just made for long distance hugs.

*I'm so glad you smiled, Indie. I think it took a ton of courage to get where you are to accept you, all of you, because YOU are a beautiful soul, we all are.

edit to fix a horrible typo!!!!!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#69

Religion and Kink

How have your religious views, or lack thereof, shaped the way you view sex and, as an extension, kinky sex?

(I should not have to say this but please be respectful.)

So I'm going to answer this slightly differently.

Suffice it to say, I am pretty dedicated to my faith though I have a hate/love/hate relationship to organized religion.

As someone of faith, I see so many of the ideas and dynamics mirrored in a D/s relationship. The idea of giving over control, trusting, worship, atonement, and devotion are all there.

I'm almost ashamed to say how many times I've sat in church or in a worship service and thought "wow, if you tweak this just a little....". I think, it's enriched my dynamic and made me very aware of the meaning of my words and actions.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

So I'm going to answer this slightly differently.

Suffice it to say, I am pretty dedicated to my faith though I have a hate/love/hate relationship to organized religion.

As someone of faith, I see so many of the ideas and dynamics mirrored in a D/s relationship. The idea of giving over control, trusting, worship, atonement, and devotion are all there.

I'm almost ashamed to say how many times I've sat in church or in a worship service and thought "wow, if you tweak this just a little....". I think, it's enriched my dynamic and made me very aware of the meaning of my words and actions.

Do you think people have a problem in general reconciling faith and anything sexual? Do you think your friends in faith would be shocked at your other side?

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Do you think people have a problem in general reconciling faith and anything sexual? Do you think your friends in faith would be shocked at your other side?

Some people do obviously. Ivr been very lucky to have been given a really realistic faith. People in ny life know I'm kinky they may just not know... the extent. In the same way I don't know what turns everyone's crank. I think Lit is pretty unique there.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Oh! Me too, me too, me too! Especially with Catholicism and all the kneeling.

Don't forget all the definitely not remotely sexual religious artwork.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#70

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

That is a GREAT question. It is also one that is completely unique to the individual, so I don’t consider any of this “advice” to others. I’ll start by saying that, for me, it is different if I’m the one doing the moving on or the one being moved away from.

If I’m doing the moving on (which has only been twice in all of my years, and both of those relationships were very short lived.) it tends to be much easier. There isn’t a lot to *do* exactly. By the time I’ve determined that for whatever reason the person and I are just not compatible (it is always related to trustworthiness and safety) then I’ve already emotionally distanced myself. Psychologically I’m an INFJ, one of our defining features is our “doorslam”. If someone gets to the point they are not trustworthy and are a danger (which is what it takes to make me end something) then I tend to be very quick to close that door. I don’t like confrontation or to hurt people’s feelings, but this is the one place I will stand up for myself unappologetically. Moving on from that actually takes place before the leaving. It is the emotional distancing.
If I’m the one being moved on from it depends on how invested and dependent I was. If it was a new budding relationship and we were in the get to know you stage then I try to keep myself in the frame of mind that I’m glad the person has come to that decision sooner rather than later. I focus on wishing them to find the happiness they deserve.

If I was already emotionally invested it can be very hard for me to move on. I’m *that* girlfriend, the one that breaking up with in the restaurant will totally not save you from tears. If it is completely unexpected then it is particularly destructive. I’ve had this happen a few times in my life including with a marriage where infidelity was not even suspected. Moving on from this feels like a death. I remember the hardest one (even harder than my first marriage failing) I was so broken that I could barely move much less move on. It took months and months to really come to grips with everything. At one point months later I finally was able to put words to my grief: “It takes a second to remove a collar from a neck, but how can you remove it from your heart and soul?” That whole process is where my need for writing bagan. I learned through that experience that I process best this way.
The answer to that question was, “find a lesson to take from it. Find ALL the lessons to take from it, and then accept that this was his last directive, and obey it.” How do I learn those lessons? It seems that the Universe or God ir what have you puts people in my path to help me with that. In no circumstance did the person or I set out to work on that process, but invariably someone shows up who is more than equipped and desirous of this. I’m eternally grateful to these people. Some of them are here still, some of them elsewhere.

Seeking a relationship is something I’ve never actively done. I’ve never set out to look for a dominant or a boyfriend. It just happens organicaly. Uusually it is born out of a conversation, or an event that then we discuss at length. We find we have more to discuss and those discussions turn into something we both look forward to, etc. I only ever once replied to an “ad” and it was not to seek a relationship, rather to make sure the ad wasnt in fact written by my ex husband (who was and maybe still is on here **yikes**). The opening line read: “I’m really sorry for this bizarre PM, but I hope it will give you a laugh. See, I keep passing your ad and it strikes me every time as frighteningly familiar. I need to ber sure you are not, in fact, my ex husband. Have you ever been married and did this site ruin your marriage?” Yes. He laughed. Hard.

Do I look for the same or different? I never look for anything. I accept each person as their own person. Yes, there are times that a positive or negative experience will add to my list of needs, wants, or limits*, but that really doesn’t factor in in the “getting to know you phase”.

Thank you for the question, PLP.
~Faithfully His;
Angie

 

[cookiecat]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

I'm totally at the New Beginning stage. I honestly have no idea how to find a D/s relationship. Online seems to have changed in to this insane, lewd, ill-mannered arena. Organically means I'd need to go out more.

This new beginning feels different, mostly because I don't want to be here. But here I am. And I want it, need it, crave it: D/s, connection, kink, lust, hanging out.

Right now, I have to shove down the automatic comparisons to Mr. cookie. In one sense, I had a really good love --- I was treated really well by a good man. He made me feel and own my value. On the flip side, I tend to hold up the (few) men I've let in to him. Which isn't fair.

Prior to my marriage, I had two significant D/s relationships. Leaving those was insanely difficult. It's hard to be vulnerable, expose myself sexually and emotionally, consider myself in service to someone and then have that gone in an instant. It became very hard for me to trust and submit to someone again.

I'm older, wiser, I've been through some shit. These things, though, seem to have hardened my heart a bit. I want to be soft again, I want to feel ooey and gooey and be joyful about submission. I feel a little wary.

It's a weird love/kink balancing act.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm totally at the New Beginning stage. I honestly have no idea how to find a D/s relationship. Online seems to have changed in to this insane, lewd, ill-mannered arena. Organically means I'd need to go out more.

This new beginning feels different, mostly because I don't want to be here. But here I am. And I want it, need it, crave it: D/s, connection, kink, lust, hanging out.

Right now, I have to shove down the automatic comparisons to Mr. cookie. In one sense, I had a really good love --- I was treated really well by a good man. He made me feel and own my value. On the flip side, I tend to hold up the (few) men I've let in to him. Which isn't fair.

Prior to my marriage, I had two significant D/s relationships. Leaving those was insanely difficult. It's hard to be vulnerable, expose myself sexually and emotionally, consider myself in service to someone and then have that gone in an instant. It became very hard for me to trust and submit to someone again.

I'm older, wiser, I've been through some shit. These things, though, seem to have hardened my heart a bit. I want to be soft again, I want to feel ooey and gooey and be joyful about submission. I feel a little wary.

It's a weird love/kink balancing act.

Being wary sucks. I hate that it seems so necessary.

At the moment, I'd be pretty happy with anyone who can make a grammatically correct sentence. Everything else is optional.

 

[twister947]

I don't feel driven to be in relationships, so I don't go looking. Somehow, they find me. Funny how that works.