❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Bramblethorn]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

I'm not sure if I've ever gone out looking for a relationship per se. For me it's more organic - relationships develop with people I already know, and then it's more about figuring out the kind of relationship that makes sense with that person than about finding a person to provide a particular kind of relationship.

I've sometimes wondered whether I ought to try the other way around, but TBH it seems a bit terrifying!

At the moment, I'd be pretty happy with anyone who can make a grammatically correct sentence. Everything else is optional.

Today somebody asked me to correct their grammar for money. It's not the first time, but I always get this illicit thrill at getting PAID and THANKED for exercising the kind of pedantry I usually try to suppress.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Today somebody asked me to correct their grammar for money. It's not the first time, but I always get this illicit thrill at getting PAID and THANKED for exercising the kind of pedantry I usually try to suppress.

I suddenly have a lady boner at the thought of someone whispering to me during a private moment that they'd like me to go over something they've written with a red pencil and correct any errors.

I could get into this.

 

[cookiecat]

I don't feel driven to be in relationships, so I don't go looking. Somehow, they find me. Funny how that works.

This.

I seriously must be doing something totally off.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I suddenly have a lady boner at the thought of someone whispering to me during a private moment that they'd like me to go over something they've written with a red pencil and correct any errors.

I could get into this.

Sometimes I think to myself "findommes must feel like this". The red pen is a mighty scourge.

 

[AveryElle]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

I ended a few relationships in 2019, including one very important to me, for a couple of reasons. I have no had motivation to find any replacements, but when I have wanted to find partners, I’ve gone to events around my particular sexual interests - classes, play parties, happy hours sponsored by sex shops or sex educators. Sometimes online. I don’t take Dom or sub as seriously as I think is implied in ‘adjustment’. I’m a masochist, not really a sub. And I try to find partners on the more sadistic side at the mentioned events by attending those along that theme. I’m not going to a femdom night, for example.

When it’s time to meet someone knew, I let their personality and our chemistry dictate our dynamic, within the confines of my refusing to call anyone Daddy. Sometimes the chemistry pans out, sometimes it doesn’t. More often than not, it does. I don’t make anyone but my child ‘my world’. Maybe that’s weird.

 

[Mei5ter]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

My kink is formed by other aspects of my personality, as everyone's is, but there isn't an obvious correlation. Outside the bedroom, I hope to establish a relationship based on mutual support and respect, and equality. I like responsibility, but I don't need to be in charge. I don't care whether I'm primary breadwinner or primary carer and homemaker. They're complimentary, and both are rewarding to me. I don't have a physical or emotional type.

Sexually, however, I want someone who needs not to be in control, and who will submit to letting me take that control from her. There are lots and lots of different ways of doing that, and as long as my partner and I share that broad dynamic, I don't have any need or desire to repeat specifics from a past relationship. I have some hard limits, but if I can see that something reduces my partner to a helpless, dripping mess in five minutes, that's my new favourite something. If that's the same thing as a previous partner, that's fine. If it's completely different, that's fine too.

 

[AnnieLit]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

I ended something that was not quite a relationship couple months ago, now in the process of establishing a new one. How did I find him... I tried going back to the dating and cheating sites, had few false-starts and decided to look back, namely asked somebody for a second chance. The way it ended with nothing six months ago was neither his, nor my fault, just some unrelated stuff happened and I could not deal with that and building a new relationship at the same time.

Adjustment is going veeery slow this time, but I hope we will get there.
As for what I am looking for... In terms of kink, limits will stay the same, everything else is up to Him. There is only one thing that I think of as a "must have" at least once in a while, but other than that, whatever excites him excites me as well.

 

[cookiecat]

I ended a few relationships in 2019, including one very important to me, for a couple of reasons. I have no had motivation to find any replacements, but when I have wanted to find partners, I’ve gone to events around my particular sexual interests - classes, play parties, happy hours sponsored by sex shops or sex educators. Sometimes online. I don’t take Dom or sub as seriously as I think is implied in ‘adjustment’. I’m a masochist, not really a sub. And I try to find partners on the more sadistic side at the mentioned events by attending those along that theme. I’m not going to a femdom night, for example.

When it’s time to meet someone knew, I let their personality and our chemistry dictate our dynamic, within the confines of my refusing to call anyone Daddy. Sometimes the chemistry pans out, sometimes it doesn’t. More often than not, it does. I don’t make anyone but my child ‘my world’. Maybe that’s weird.

*taking notes*

I like this a lot.

 

[Acktion]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

Call me Entropy.

I am wary to begin any relationship. Always have been. Perhaps not wary enough, if you've read some of my long-winded meanderings. But, wary nonetheless.

However, once I am in a relationship, I am all the way in. Nothing and no one will cause me to walk away, save three things. Lying, abandoning, or lashing out to harm me or someone I care about. Other than those three things, we can talk it out. There may be some punishment involved, but typically that has been so she can let it go rather than me since I already had.

But, when that relationship ended, whichever one of my checkered past we might be discussing, I was even more reluctant to begin another journey with someone else. Because you see, it had to be my fault in some way that it ended. No matter what she said, it had to be my fault. After all, I am... was... the Dominant partner. I was the one calling the shots. Ergo, any failure on either side is mine.

With two exceptions, both when I was very young, I have not sought a relationship of any sort with anyone. And both of those were unmitigated disasters and proof (to my mind) that me looking for a relationship purely for the sake of having a relationship was a recipe for doom, destruction, and desolation.

There is an old quote that I can't quite recall... "the path to despair is paved with the flagstones of desire." That may not be quite correct. And I have no idea who to attribute it too. But, the way I always took it was to be happy in what you do have rather than unhappy about what you don't.

Instead, I have just gone about living my life as I see fit, being nothing other than myself in all my imperfect flaws, and allowing anyone who didn't like what they see to get the funk out.

To my everlasting surprise, there have been probably more than my fair share (considering I'm definitely not Christian Grey, Ron Jeremy, or Brad Pitt) that not only didn't have a problem with what they saw but actually wanted it. Or thought they did. At least for a while.

The thing is, while the women I have been in relationships with have been my world for the duration of our relationship, they did not define me. If you see the distinction? I walked away from the ruins of the relationship changed by its existence, but still as the hard kernel of me.

And, yeah, some tender scars have surprised me when a new relationship brushed against harm caused by someone else. But, the first step to dealing with any problem is to recognize that it exists. In those cases, I was attempting to hold someone new responsible for what someone who no longer mattered had done. And once I have made that leap, it has, historically, been no problem for me to accept this one as not that one. To work this relationship rather than one that no longer exists except in my memories.

There was a scene from Lethal Weapon IV where Joe Pesci is talking to Mel Gibson in front of his wife's grave. Joe (Leo Getz) is telling Mel (Martin Riggs) about a frog that was his best friend when he was a kid. And then how now he and Danny Glover are his best friends. They didn't take Froggey's place. Neither is better or worse, more preferable or less. They are just different. And just are.

I think... have always thought, even before that movie was made... that is the secret to be happy in a relationship. Any relationship. BDSM or "vanilla." Romantic or platonic. To accept it as it is without comparing it to any other. To accept the person more than the relationship and value the time they share with you regardless of the dynamic or Dynamic.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Call me Entropy.

I am wary to begin any relationship. Always have been. Perhaps not wary enough, if you've read some of my long-winded meanderings. But, wary nonetheless.

However, once I am in a relationship, I am all the way in. Nothing and no one will cause me to walk away, save three things. Lying, abandoning, or lashing out to harm me or someone I care about. Other than those three things, we can talk it out. There may be some punishment involved, but typically that has been so she can let it go rather than me since I already had.

But, when that relationship ended, whichever one of my checkered past we might be discussing, I was even more reluctant to begin another journey with someone else. Because you see, it had to be my fault in some way that it ended. No matter what she said, it had to be my fault. After all, I am... was... the Dominant partner. I was the one calling the shots. Ergo, any failure on either side is mine.

With two exceptions, both when I was very young, I have not sought a relationship of any sort with anyone. And both of those were unmitigated disasters and proof (to my mind) that me looking for a relationship purely for the sake of having a relationship was a recipe for doom, destruction, and desolation.

There is an old quote that I can't quite recall... "the path to despair is paved with the flagstones of desire." That may not be quite correct. And I have no idea who to attribute it too. But, the way I always took it was to be happy in what you do have rather than unhappy about what you don't.

Instead, I have just gone about living my life as I see fit, being nothing other than myself in all my imperfect flaws, and allowing anyone who didn't like what they see to get the funk out.

To my everlasting surprise, there have been probably more than my fair share (considering I'm definitely not Christian Grey, Ron Jeremy, or Brad Pitt) that not only didn't have a problem with what they saw but actually wanted it. Or thought they did. At least for a while.

The thing is, while the women I have been in relationships with have been my world for the duration of our relationship, they did not define me. If you see the distinction? I walked away from the ruins of the relationship changed by its existence, but still as the hard kernel of me.

And, yeah, some tender scars have surprised me when a new relationship brushed against harm caused by someone else. But, the first step to dealing with any problem is to recognize that it exists. In those cases, I was attempting to hold someone new responsible for what someone who no longer mattered had done. And once I have made that leap, it has, historically, been no problem for me to accept this one as not that one. To work this relationship rather than one that no longer exists except in my memories.

There was a scene from Lethal Weapon IV where Joe Pesci is talking to Mel Gibson in front of his wife's grave. Joe (Leo Getz) is telling Mel (Martin Riggs) about a frog that was his best friend when he was a kid. And then how now he and Danny Glover are his best friends. They didn't take Froggey's place. Neither is better or worse, more preferable or less. They are just different. And just are.

I think... have always thought, even before that movie was made... that is the secret to be happy in a relationship. Any relationship. BDSM or "vanilla." Romantic or platonic. To accept it as it is without comparing it to any other. To accept the person more than the relationship and value the time they share with you regardless of the dynamic or Dynamic.

well said.

 

[cascadiabound]

#70

New Beginnings

When one relationship comes to a close how do you find another? Sub or Dom? Having made them your world, in a certain way, how do you adjust yourself for your next relationship? Do you look for the same, or different?

I have long had a truism touchstone for the endings of relationships...
"good endings make for good beginnings"

I have not always been 100% successful at this, but it is the goal.

I have been at this kinky relationship thing for a relatively short time, so I will just refer to those relationships rather than my whole history of relationships (all of which included a fair amount of kink, but were not defined by that nor were they overtly BDSM or power exchange)

My initial forays into this stuff were pretty rocky. Poor choices. Hard endings. Ghostings. Broken promises. Second chances that were not deserved. These things scarred me pretty good. And scared me. Made me wonder if all that hard won common sense and life experience were gonna always fail me within kinky relationships.

I know in retrospect that some of this was sub frenzy. Some of this was misunderstandings about how kinky fuckery works. Some of this was unfortunate choices with people who turned out to be straight up assholes.

Being here and talking to others and reading and reading and trying to sort out what was what helped me finally get my footing.

After a had a series of pretty unsatisfactory relationships with less than ideal endings - some I choose when I finally figured out how not okay stuff was between us and some that came to a natural end, I spent a bunch of time getting my feet under me and thinking through what had gone wrong and what was my part and what was his part. What I would not put up with in the future. And I took a break from any search for anyone. This prepared the ground for new friendships that helped me heal and reset my expectations for better behavior and to be treated better.

I am grateful for the relationship I have now. All of the crap that came before made me ready for this relationship and makes me grateful for him every day.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#71

#71

Theory v Reality

We've had the question posed - how does stress or overwork or worry affect your kink? Well guys... how is it being affected? Because I'm all three at the moment.

Have you lost all libido or does all this stress make you crave something to take it out on? Does it ebb and flow?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

When i see 'kink' i read 'sex.' Do people consciously separate the two?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

#71

Theory v Reality

We've had the question posed - how does stress or overwork or worry affect your kink? Well guys... how is it being affected? Because I'm all three at the moment.

Have you lost all libido or does all this stress make you crave something to take it out on? Does it ebb and flow?

** Deep sigh**

Because of the changes in life Daddy and I have ZERO time alone. It is and is not taking a toll on our relationship.

At times I get over stressed about it and pretty internally cranky ((and I think he probably does too) but in the end we both know it is nothing we can control. Our relationship dynamic has not changed. We discussed it today actually. I needed some reassurance that I could count on him to be there for me and with me, as best he could given circulstances until such time ad either of us could not be if it was out of our control. He liked that i needed that reassurance, that his presence in my life mattered... and I liked knowing that I'm not optional... that both my daughter and I matter to him. He asked me some very real questions about my financial security and safety if this is to continue for longer than a month... and it was nice to actually not hesitate and feel the need to try to not answer those questions.

Has our ability to play been affected? YEP... but it makes it as much or more meaningful when we do find moments to connect in that way. Has our libido been affected? Mine sure has... but I think that's mostly due to his not being able to be present. He turns me on... so when he isnt't around that just doesnt happen as much. I HOPE the same can be said for him, but I'm not there to know.

I've had a hard time handling the "little/middle" side of me. I'm aching for Daddy badly. I'm really hurting and really scared, but I dont really have a way to handle that right now, and it really isnt a safe place for me to allow that side of me space and place to exist. This is suffering. I can see how that affects the rest of my emotional and mental wellbeing.

How has it positively affected us? I think it is showing us both how much we really mean to each other, and helping push that trust level. I can see us coming out the other side stronger, hopefully.

~Faithfully His;
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

When i see 'kink' i read 'sex.' Do people consciously separate the two?

yes. For me... sex, intimacy, kink, and submission are four completely separate things.

 

[Goldenfool87]

#71

Theory v Reality

We've had the question posed - how does stress or overwork or worry affect your kink? Well guys... how is it being affected? Because I'm all three at the moment.

Have you lost all libido or does all this stress make you crave something to take it out on? Does it ebb and flow?

When work gets more and more crazy, it depends on how tired I am. Fatigue kills all sex drive in my case. However, if I am not too tired when work gets crazy I increasingly crave the possibility to let go of
all the control and loose myself in some sort of submission...

Love,

The Fool

 

[Dreamliner]

When i see 'kink' i read 'sex.' Do people consciously separate the two?

I do W_H. I see them as being separate.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

#71

Theory v Reality

We've had the question posed - how does stress or overwork or worry affect your kink? Well guys... how is it being affected? Because I'm all three at the moment.

Have you lost all libido or does all this stress make you crave something to take it out on? Does it ebb and flow?

In stressful times, to be blunt, I get horny. I want more. More kink, more sex, more human contact. I write about it, I think about it and I find every opportunity to act things out.

When i see 'kink' i read 'sex.' Do people consciously separate the two?

A kinky act (say a smack on the butt) or viewing something that triggers a fetish (almost anything; let's say heels) can lead to sex. Almost always sex includes some kink or fetish (at lest a bit of restraint).

 

[AveryElle]

When i see 'kink' i read 'sex.' Do people consciously separate the two?

Yes. I can continue aspects of what my kinks are outside in the world without being gross about it. I can also have amazing sex without any of preferred kinks. Isn’t that the difference between kink and fetish?

 

[AveryElle]

#71

Theory v Reality

We've had the question posed - how does stress or overwork or worry affect your kink? Well guys... how is it being affected? Because I'm all three at the moment.

Have you lost all libido or does all this stress make you crave something to take it out on? Does it ebb and flow?

I think an aspect to this is privacy. I have zero privacy with my lit partner right now, for example. I also have saturation of my spouse. Another partner reaches out to check in my emotional well being almost daily, and I his because his spouse is a doctor. It’s put a lot of my ‘plans’ on hold. Medical reasons put me on pelvic rest for a bit as well.

Anger makes me crave pain. I’m angry. Stress makes me crave sleep. I’m stressed. Anxiety makes me crave being alone. I’m anxious and never alone. It’s great.

 

[AveryElle]

It’s cute that you think that’s my big thing

 

[AlpineFresco]

Hell, I don't know what that would be!

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Now's a great time to share that audio.

or video. Just a helpful though

 

[AveryElle]

Now's a great time to share that audio.

Well, I did listen to it the other night while doing laundry

 

[AlpineFresco]

#71

Theory v Reality

We've had the question posed - how does stress or overwork or worry affect your kink? Well guys... how is it being affected? Because I'm all three at the moment.

Have you lost all libido or does all this stress make you crave something to take it out on? Does it ebb and flow?

Well, my work is no more or less than usually and I'm not stressed, but I am in some pain and any of those things pretty much flatline my libido for regular play or kink. I've observed before, I think I'm unusual here, feels like most people get stressed and want to fuck that away, not so for me.