2009 Survivor Poetry Challenge: Workshop

[NorthernPA4U]

sigh I wish folks would use words I understand ........ long time since I was at school you know!

Sorry!

Sent you a pm.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

sigh I wish folks would use words I understand ........ long time since I was at school you know!

Having a thread that defines poetry-related terminology would not be a bad idea.

 

[annaswirls]

Having a thread that defines poetry-related terminology would not be a bad idea.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_of_poetry_terms

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Is this any better?

There's flowers and corpses now lay upon my sill
where sweet honeysuckle seeks to climb from wall
embracing vines into the very hearth and home,
brings with her sweetly scented blooms, that shower
across the ledge till in massed profusion lay.
Also alas there crawls upon her leaves
those whose fleeting lives cannot long be lived
than in the now lost freedom of the very open air
woodbine scorns, to lie each corpse wasted and bereft

 

[annaswirls]

Lovely!

You might consider making all of the lines 10 syllables? Make it easier? Some of these lines are longer and could stand to be tightened up a bit.

Something like this. Lovely words you have put together!

Is this any better?

There's flowers and corpses now lay on my sill
where sweet honeysuckle climbs up the wall
embracing vines into the hearth and home,
brings sweetly scented blooms, that shower
across the ledge in massed profusion lay.
Also alas there crawls upon her leaves
those whose fleeting lives cannot long be lived
than in the now lost freedom of the open air
woodbine scorns, each corpse wasted and bereft

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Lovely!

You might consider making all of the lines 10 syllables? Make it easier? Some of these lines are longer and could stand to be tightened up a bit.

Something like this. Lovely words you have put together!

Thanks Anna you make it look so easy , I put every line through the syllable counter and they came up 11

 

[annaswirls]

Thanks Anna you make it look so easy , I put every line through the syllable counter and they came up 11

it is easier for someone else to come in at the end when YOU have done all of the hard work already!

I think even number syllables are easier to deal with in general.

 

[champagne1982]

My cento #1 posted the other day. I titled it Poets' Dance. I'd like to thank (post posting) the poets whose lines I chose:

Tristesse2,
The_Fool,
PrinceThelo,
PandoraGlitters,
NorthernPA4U,
Remec,
annaswirls and
Angeline.​

You are all brilliant and I thank you that you have so many gorgeous words left out for me to steal.

 

[Remec]

My cento #1 posted the other day. I titled it Poets' Dance. I'd like to thank (post posting) the poets whose lines I chose:
You are all brilliant and I thank you that you have so many gorgeous words left out for me to steal.

Thank you for making me a part of your work, and for reminding me that I was interrupted while working on my own Cento #1. Which I just finished.

So, thanks, in advance, to

• UnderYourSpell
• Safe_Bet
• Tristesse2
• annaswirls
• The_Fool
• Angeline
• and, LadyStfreknBed

I could not find a form to work with, this time, so it'll be a Poet's Choice poem; but I did find a theme, of sorts. I worked up a poem about a first time using the earliest poem from each poet's submission page.

Submitting in just a few...

 

[annaswirls]

My cento #1 posted the other day. I titled it Poets' Dance. I'd like to thank (post posting) the poets whose lines I chose:

Tristesse2,
The_Fool,
PrinceThelo,
PandoraGlitters,
NorthernPA4U,
Remec,
annaswirls and
Angeline.​

You are all brilliant and I thank you that you have so many gorgeous words left out for me to steal.

wow! nicely done! I had totally forgotten about that poem, thanks and I am honored to be in such a nice poem with such talented company.

 

[annaswirls]

Thank you for making me a part of your work, and for reminding me that I was interrupted while working on my own Cento #1. Which I just finished.

So, thanks, in advance, to

• UnderYourSpell
• Safe_Bet
• Tristesse2
• annaswirls
• The_Fool
• Angeline
• and, LadyStfreknBed

I could not find a form to work with, this time, so it'll be a Poet's Choice poem; but I did find a theme, of sorts. I worked up a poem about a first time using the earliest poem from each poet's submission page.

Submitting in just a few...

Cool beans! I can't wait to see it!
I am glad I took down "Ode to my husband's cum" which was my first submission to lit ever. What was I thinking????

 

[pushkine]

Lovely!

You might consider making all of the lines 10 syllables? Make it easier? Some of these lines are longer and could stand to be tightened up a bit.

Something like this. Lovely words you have put together!

There's flowers and corpses now lay on my sill
where sweet honeysuckle climbs up the wall
embracing vines into the hearth and home,
brings sweetly scented blooms, that shower
across the ledge in massed profusion lay.
Also alas there crawls upon her leaves
those whose fleeting lives cannot long be lived
than in the now lost freedom of the open air
woodbine scorns, each corpse wasted and bereft

I'd try something like this to make it iambic pentameter:

There's flow / er's corp / ses strewn / on win / dowsill,
where hon / eysuck / le climbs / the gar / den wall
embrac / ing vines / into / the hearth / and home,
brings sweet / ly scent / ed blooms, / that show / er all
along / the ledge, / in massed / profus / ion laid.
Alas, / there al / so crawl / ing on / her leaves
are those / whose fleet / ing lives / can't long / be lived
than in / that now / lost free / dom, op / en air,
the wood / bine scorns, / each wast / ed and / bereft.​

I think that works and, I hope, doesn't mess with what you were trying to say too much. Note I had to change the trigger phrase slightly, as "there's flowers and corpses" isn't iambic.

So, if I did this correctly, each line has ten syllables exactly (at least how I pronounce it) and, more importantly, five iambic feet. Each iambic foot is a two syllable unit consisting of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable, hence "iambic pentameter" (each line is formed of five occurences of a basic iambic meter).

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Thank you for making me a part of your work, and for reminding me that I was interrupted while working on my own Cento #1. Which I just finished.

So, thanks, in advance, to

• UnderYourSpell
• Safe_Bet
• Tristesse2
• annaswirls
• The_Fool
• Angeline
• and, LadyStfreknBed

I could not find a form to work with, this time, so it'll be a Poet's Choice poem; but I did find a theme, of sorts. I worked up a poem about a first time using the earliest poem from each poet's submission page.

Submitting in just a few...

Ooooooh I've been Centoed I've never been Centoed before wowwwww!

I'd try something like this to make it iambic pentameter:

There's flow / er's corp / ses strewn / on win / dowsill,
where hon / eysuck / le climbs / the gar / den wall
embrac / ing vines / into / the hearth / and home,
brings sweet / ly scent / ed blooms, / that show / er all
along / the ledge, / in massed / profus / ion laid.
Alas, / there al / so crawl / ing on / her leaves
are those / whose fleet / ing lives / can't long / be lived
than in / that now / lost free / dom, op / en air,
the wood / bine scorns, / each wast / ed and / bereft.​

I think that works and, I hope, doesn't mess with what you were trying to say too much. Note I had to change the trigger phrase slightly, as "there's flowers and corpses" isn't iambic.

So, if I did this correctly, each line has ten syllables exactly (at least how I pronounce it) and, more importantly, five iambic feet. Each iambic foot is a two syllable unit consisting of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable, hence "iambic pentameter" (each line is formed of five occurences of a basic iambic meter).

Thanks guys for all your help heavens knows what mess I will make of the next half at this rate I will here until a year next Christmas

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Ok what do I need to do to it now? Don't let me down now I can't do this without you

There's flower's corpses strewn on windowsill,
where honeysuckle climbs the garden wall
embracing vines into the hearth and home,
brings sweetly scented blooms, that shower all
along the ledge, in massed profusion laid.
Alas, there also crawling on her leaves
are those whose fleeting lives can't long be lived
than in that now lost freedom, open air,
the woodbine scorns, each wasted and bereft.
Lonicera not now so sweet who brings
the butterfly, beating her fragile open wings
frantically on closed window panes,
proboscis curled, and drunk from honey.
Wilfully perverse and vines entwining
glorying in your own beauty, heeding not
how when you run amok, a life must pay
the hardest price for your unchecked revelry.
The butterfly now rests and folds her tiring wings,
does she gaze on the world no longer hers to own?
This beauty hides her death. No longer sweet.

 

[annaswirls]

I have been doing too much posting and not enough writing -- two days now and no poem for Survivor. So I am sorry, I am taking a little break from giving feedback until I take some time for myself to write. I will still leave comments on new poems.

~JennyAnna

 

[loganforester]

I'm back for another opinion. I know my poems so far have been rather lighthearted, not sure if this is taking it too far. Clerihews are supposed to be whimsical right? What's everyone's opinion of this peace. feel free to skewer it if you must.



Grigori Rasputin
Was no Vladimir Putin
He spent too much time frowning
And was killed by drowning.

eta the title of the poem is "the black russian", for anyone wondering what the trigger is.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm back for another opinion. I know my poems so far have been rather lighthearted, not sure if this is taking it too far. Clerihews are supposed to be whimsical right? What's everyone's opinion of this peace. feel free to skewer it if you must.



Grigori Rasputin
Was no Vladimir Putin
He spent too much time frowning
And was killed by drowning.

eta the title of the poem is "the black russian", for anyone wondering what the trigger is.

Technically, it's what it should be, but I don't think Putin smiles all that much either and is still in time to be drowned. Maybe I'm just missing the humour, but it doesn't seem funny enough to me. It just rhymes.

I also think that usually Clerihews tend to work better when the last line is the same size or longer than the 3rd.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I will have to submit this attempt at blank verse as is and I'm sorry if it's wrong

 

[champagne1982]

I will have to submit this attempt at blank verse as is and I'm sorry if it's wrong

Y'know, when I have rhythm issues I hearken back to Dr. Seuss... His short, simple lines keep me in time and I can really feel the difference in iambic, vs trochee and anapestic metre. I'm sure we can all identify how much effort you spend in writing for this challenge, Annie. Remember, even Shakespeare had to break rhythm to get his point across at times.

 

[loganforester]

Technically, it's what it should be, but I don't think Putin smiles all that much either and is still in time to be drowned. Maybe I'm just missing the humour, but it doesn't seem funny enough to me. It just rhymes.

I also think that usually Clerihews tend to work better when the last line is the same size or longer than the 3rd.

Thanks Lauren, I'll see what I can do to change it up and inject some more humor to it. Yeah the last two lines are missing something.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Y'know, when I have rhythm issues I hearken back to Dr. Seuss... His short, simple lines keep me in time and I can really feel the difference in iambic, vs trochee and anapestic metre. I'm sure we can all identify how much effort you spend in writing for this challenge, Annie. Remember, even Shakespeare had to break rhythm to get his point across at times.

Thanks Champ, after my blip I came back and worked twice as hard ... I'm even halfway through the Sestina. It's odd though that I can't hear the rhythm because I am a pretty good singer, perhaps it's all in what I have and haven't been taught and I don't think you can teach that through words alone it has to be done aurally

 

[annaswirls]

Cento Help please

Does the Cento have to be entirely made up of other people's lines, or just the majority of the poem?

Never mind, I just looked it up-- seems it has to be the entire poem-- I thought so but had a great idea for the Ghazal, but would have to add the last two repeating words, ah well, I might just do it for the hell of it (not points) anyway

 

[annaswirls]

ghazal

I tried to keep the meter consistent--- I know I went off meter for a few lines, but I kind of like it that way-- the daffodils line has triplets instead of iambs, but I think it works... I could change it to blue bells or something that would fit, but I kind of like the waterfall feel of the 1,2,3 rhythm in the middle.

Anyone object? When I tap my foot, sometimes two words get blended into one syllable. Maybe I should make this be an audio poem so I can make the rhythm really sound right in how I read it.

The last line is very cliche and the other lines are pretty shallow and elementary but I am working on it....


~~~~~

And what first drew us near? Your words.
Lives apart, still I hear your words.

Just a slick wish and cricket call,
I tripped just to fall near your words

True tune could never tell me more
My quick crush love I hear your words.

Daffodils bloom, water runs clear
The skylarks swoop to hear your words.

This silent death cannot erase-
Sweet kiss, salt tear and all your words

 

[Angeline]

I tried to keep the meter consistent--- I know I went off meter for a few lines, but I kind of like it that way-- the daffodils line has triplets instead of iambs, but I think it works... I could change it to blue bells or something that would fit, but I kind of like the waterfall feel of the 1,2,3 rhythm in the middle.

Anyone object? When I tap my foot, sometimes two words get blended into one syllable. Maybe I should make this be an audio poem so I can make the rhythm really sound right in how I read it.

The last line is very cliche and the other lines are pretty shallow and elementary but I am working on it....


~~~~~

And what first drew us near? Your words
Lives apart, still I hear your words.

With a slick wish and cricket call
I tripped just to fall near your words

True tune could never tell me more
My quick crush love I hear your words.

Daffodils bloom, water runs clear
The skylarks swoop to hear your words.

This silent death cannot erase
Sweet kiss, salt tear and all your words

I think it's beautiful. I count eight beats to each line though I didn't check the stresses (but I often mishear them and I wouldn't sweat that anyway). The repetitions are right. There are a few couplets that can be read either as enjambed or not, so I think that's fine. But overall I think it's beautiful because I think I understand it.

 

[champagne1982]

In my one and only successful ghazal, I merely counted 20 syllables. Many say there's an intricate rhythm but I simply figure that's one of the traits of the English language. There's music in these here (hear?) words.