2009 Survivor Poetry Challenge: Workshop

[annaswirls]

Does this qualify?


Nile crocodile
A frog hops away-
the chase begins.


This is my first ever Haiku, so some help would be appreciated.

awesome start! You got some great advice, and I agree- you do not have to say the chase begins... you could say the crocodile follows?

 

[annaswirls]

OK, I am not a haiku expert by any means.



white tails on alert
silent meadow, snowdrift plumes
babies' ears alert

I miss the scene you describe-- I grew up on a farm in PA where the white tail would linger like this--

A few things-- you say in your description that there was a noise that startled the deer, which is very important, but you do not put it in the poem.

I would start with that noise, first line. Make it something that gives the impression of winter-- ice cracking, snowplow, wife shoveling the walk, something that would put us in the season.

To make the impression of many deer, you could have their tails pop in succession?

And if you keep the fawn, please call them that... it is such a pretty word...fawn...

Of course, all just one opinion. You have a lot to work with!

~A

 

[Safe_Bet]

If you want that bias to come across, you my try expressing it a little more explicitly in your poem.

Yeah, I 'spose

colored bowls of tasty toxins
fruity poison Pebble Puffs

was a little ambiguous...

 

[NorthernPA4U]

I miss the scene you describe-- I grew up on a farm in PA where the white tail would linger like this--

A few things-- you say in your description that there was a noise that startled the deer, which is very important, but you do not put it in the poem.

I would start with that noise, first line. Make it something that gives the impression of winter-- ice cracking, snowplow, wife shoveling the walk, something that would put us in the season.

To make the impression of many deer, you could have their tails pop in succession?

And if you keep the fawn, please call them that... it is such a pretty word...fawn...

Of course, all just one opinion. You have a lot to work with!

~A

The sound idea is a VERY good one, thanks. That particular version I should never have posted, because I had several after that. I just cut and pasted the wrong one.

But, something like ...

silent meadow crunch
snowdrifts with white tailed plumes
cervine nostrils flare

better? Or is describing the deer tails as snowdrift plumes too interpretive for haiku ?

 

[loganforester]

I think that's a huge improvement over the first attempt.

Thanks, I think so too. Hopefully I can revise it further before submission.

 

[Remec]

WIP: Pantoum

Alright, some of the lines are a little jarring to my ears, but I think I need some input from other listeners/readers. I have skipped the common, but optional, rhyme scheme this first time while working at getting the iambs and repetition.

Ash falls, smoke rises from my cigarette.
I wait for the shopping to be finished,
passing the time watching the crowds go by,
children, lovers, popular waves surge, ebb.

I wait for the shopping to be finished,
a ghost among the marketing hubbub.
Children, lovers, popular waves surge, ebb--
splashing my bench with their manic fervor.

A ghost among the marketing hubbub,
silent as still photography, I watch them all
splashing my bench with their manic fervor
trying to draw me in, but I keep back.

Silent as still photography, I watch them all.
Ash falls, smoke rises from my cigarette,
trying to draw me in, but I keep back,
passing the time watching the crowds go by
-----

 

[NorthernPA4U]

Alright, some of the lines are a little jarring to my ears, but I think I need some input from other listeners/readers. I have skipped the common, but optional, rhyme scheme this first time while working at getting the iambs and repetition.

Ash falls, smoke rises from my cigarette.
I wait for the shopping to be finished,
passing the time watching the crowds go by,
children, lovers, popular waves surge, ebb.

I wait for the shopping to be finished,
a ghost among the marketing hubbub.
Children, lovers, popular waves surge, ebb--
splashing my bench with their manic fervor.

A ghost among the marketing hubbub,
silent as still photography, I watch them all
splashing my bench with their manic fervor
trying to draw me in, but I keep back.

Silent as still photography, I watch them all.
Ash falls, smoke rises from my cigarette,
trying to draw me in, but I keep back,
passing the time watching the crowds go by
-----

I don't think that it is jarring at all. I haven't looked at the pantoum yet, but I think that you've done a good job here regarding the content. I like it.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Okay, lets try one LAST time:

Sere sand shimmering;
Desert raindrop
spatters dust



Trigger 34 (Theme #2 - poem about abnormal weather) / Form G (Suck Ass Haiku)

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Okay, lets try one LAST time:

Sere sand shimmering;
Desert raindrop
spatters dust



Trigger 34 (Theme #2 - poem about abnormal weather) / Form G (Suck Ass Haiku)

I see we have a common hatred lol Ron wanted me to stay downstairs with him tonight and write my poetry there and I can quite honestly say it's Bruce Willis 10 - Annie 0

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I would be tempted to punctuate it like this:

Refine,
hold, and then stem
Yesterday's Memory.
Murmur as if to speak will catch
each ear.

Thanks Lauren I think puntuation and I met on a dark road and then very fleetingly

 

[annaswirls]

Thanks Lauren I think puntuation and I met on a dark road and then very fleetingly

there you go! it is perfect!

ps I am punctuationally challenged too

 

[annaswirls]

Okay, lets try one LAST time:

Sere sand shimmering;
Desert raindrop
spatters dust



Trigger 34 (Theme #2 - poem about abnormal weather) / Form G (Suck Ass Haiku)

ha! I did not know that was one of the forms or I would have written one for my first one! I think it is very good. Brava!

All I would suggest changing is the ing...maybe add a dash like some of the classic Haiku poets did? I don't know the em dash rule, where is that em dash?

Sere sand shimmers--
......desert raindrop
......spatters dust.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I am having trouble coaxing words out of a house brick at the moment

 

[UnderYourSpell]

ha! I did not know that was one of the forms or I would have written one for my first one!

Sere sand shimmers--
......desert raindrop
...spatters dust.

Don't let Angeline see those elipses she's allergic you know

 

[annaswirls]

I am having trouble coaxing words out of a house brick at the moment

try this: it is how I did my brick poem.

go to google

type in red brick, house brick etc and search IMAGES

find one that speaks to you
stare at it

close your eyes and imagine you are the brick. what matters to you? what would you notice? what would you feel? what would you long for?

be the brick.



you can do it!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I know what I want to say but putting it into an Italian sonnet ain't that easy lol perhaps it doesn't speak Italiano

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Alright, some of the lines are a little jarring to my ears, but I think I need some input from other listeners/readers. I have skipped the common, but optional, rhyme scheme this first time while working at getting the iambs and repetition.

Ash falls, smoke rises from my cigarette.
I wait for the shopping to be finished,
passing the time watching the crowds go by,
children, lovers, popular waves surge, ebb.

I wait for the shopping to be finished,
a ghost among the marketing hubbub.
Children, lovers, popular waves surge, ebb--
splashing my bench with their manic fervor.

A ghost among the marketing hubbub,
silent as still photography, I watch them all
splashing my bench with their manic fervor
trying to draw me in, but I keep back.

Silent as still photography, I watch them all.
Ash falls, smoke rises from my cigarette,
trying to draw me in, but I keep back,
passing the time watching the crowds go by
-----

Usually, there's an inversion in the last stanza: 1234 2546 5768 7381. The last line should be the same as the first one.

As for each individual line, they don't seem jarring to me at all.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

The sound idea is a VERY good one, thanks. That particular version I should never have posted, because I had several after that. I just cut and pasted the wrong one.

But, something like ...

silent meadow crunch
snowdrifts with white tailed plumes
cervine nostrils flare

better? Or is describing the deer tails as snowdrift plumes too interpretive for haiku ?

Isn't snowdrift a noun and not a verb? How about something like:

meadow crunchs
white plumes drift--
.....snow deer

Hm. I don't know about this last line. Something that transmits the idea of statues, of the deer frozen in time for that one second?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Okay, lets try one LAST time:

Sere sand shimmering;
Desert raindrop
spatters dust



Trigger 34 (Theme #2 - poem about abnormal weather) / Form G (Suck Ass Haiku)

ha! I did not know that was one of the forms or I would have written one for my first one! I think it is very good. Brava!

All I would suggest changing is the ing...maybe add a dash like some of the classic Haiku poets did? I don't know the em dash rule, where is that em dash?

Sere sand shimmers--
......desert raindrop
......spatters dust.

I really like that edit.

 

[Remec]

Usually, there's an inversion in the last stanza: 1234 2546 5768 7381. The last line should be the same as the first one.

As for each individual line, they don't seem jarring to me at all.

Ahh, I misread the last line of the form description. Off to submit then...*g*

 

[annaswirls]

I know what I want to say but putting it into an Italian sonnet ain't that easy lol perhaps it doesn't speak Italiano

ah, my mistake, I thought your "problems coaxing words" meant you were having trouble with the inspiration.

 

[annaswirls]

How did this one turn out? I guess I should go see it in the new poems.

I am not a sonnet poet, but this is a good opportunity to learn.... by going through the rules with someone elses poem

I took the RULES post and broke it down into parts to make sure all requirements were followed.

1. 14 lines
2. traditionally written in iambic pentameter confused:Not so sure about this, although the Cinquain above I thought was off meter but then again not?)
3. two quatrains and two tercets
4. following a rhyme scheme of abba abba cde cde, abba abba cdc cdc, or abba abba cde dcd.
5. The two quatrains, typically, describe a problem, which is resolved in the two tercets.
6. The 9th line creates a turn (volta) that signals the move from proposition to resolution. I think so...
7. The final line of the final tercet is called golden key, closing and giving meaning to the entire poem. Again, I think so yes!

First attempt, damn good. Thank you for the lesson!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

A question about Monologues i.e do they rhyme? There was a English comedian Stanley Holloway famous for his monologues many years ago and his did so can mine too?

 

[NorthernPA4U]

A question about Monologues i.e do they rhyme? There was a English comedian Stanley Holloway famous for his monologues many years ago and his did so can mine too?

My Last Duchess is rhymed couplets, and Mont Blanc has an irregular rhyming pattern, so I don't see why not.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

Isn't snowdrift a noun and not a verb? How about something like:

meadow crunchs
white plumes drift--
.....snow deer

Hm. I don't know about this last line. Something that transmits the idea of statues, of the deer frozen in time for that one second?

Is this an improvement at all ...

cervine statues
ice-glazed crust crunches --
white tailed plumes erect