Are online d/s relationships a good thing?

[FurryFury]

One of the things I find most dificult to deal with in any online relationship is the inability to "do something".

What I mean by that...if the person on the other end is having a bad time or needs my help...a typed hug seems worthless in comparison to what they really need. It leaves one feeling 'empty' and is not much real help to the other person.

Sometimes online can be very rewarding on some levels when the limitations are agreed to and accepted, but life has a habit of not caring what you agreed to or accepted, and that's when online can just plain suck. When it sucks, the difference is painfully obviuous between real life and a virtual one.

Having been in some online relationships, some of which were D/s, I'd just like to say, these relationships made a BIG difference to me when I went through tough times.

First, I had something to look forward to, that was just for me and which gave me hope.

Second, I had someone who would listen and care.

These were VERY important things for me. I miss what I had.

That's not to say that I don't have people in RL who will listen to me and care but these online relationships were very important and special to me in a different, very intimate way.

Fury

 

[Temptress_lee]

I'm somewhat in an online/dom relationship. Accept in this one i'm the dominant female telling my Sub what to do and how to do it. There are many ways you can go about doing this it just takes commitment, communication, and understanding that this is online so your time with them is limited. You could decide to get your Sub a webcam, or have them go to the store and purchase on their own. That way when you order them to follow your instructions you know exactly what there doing. Thats the downside to all this online mumbo jumbo. You can say your doing all these things. Kneeling before them, licking the floor, spanking your nuts with a wooden spoon. But if she/he can't see it then she/he can probably just assume that your some internet geek who uses your words to jerk off to every night, even if you instruct him/her not to cum.

The sub I started talking to opened up the ideas to me. He told me he was into CB tourture, and orgasm denial. He absolutely loved the idea of a woman using him for HER pleasure and entertainment. So my curiosity with it grew stronger and I gave him instructions to follow each and every night. Then the next day he would have to e-mail each experince to me and tell me how he felt.

Thats usually the most effective way of traning an online sub. It's getting them to do things for you that pushes them out of there shells. And in my opinion you do not have to be Dominant or Submissive by nature to perform the roles sexually. It might help in certain situations but i'm here to tell you that some of the most sexy Dom's out there are the strong-silent type. You wouldn't even expect them to be demanding until you get them into the bedroom. Just like some of the really dominant people have a desire to give up control because there stressed, and tired after a long work week and they want to feel things, and experince them in order to help them relax and come to terms with the fact that its really a great fourm of meditation. In a fantasy world you can be anyone you want and desire to be.

 

[Victoria_2001_02769]

~ The one I thought was going to be, wasn't. Maybe He didn't know what to do about/with my responses - I don't know. The remainder of my feelings about that or on that, won't make print.

 

[ocontrol4u]

I have had r/l and online relationships, and am currently in an online situation. This topic is debated all over the net and its always refreshing to see some new and interesting thoughts. Of course, there will always be those that have never tried online and are still able to condemn it, just as some that have never been r/l try to convince us that there online is just as 'real'.

First let me explain how our online relationship is conducted. We do use emails and IMs for some communication, but apart from extra assignments I may issue, our D/s life is over an Internet phone. (Products like Skype, Firefly, Yahoo voice, etc).

Online (vs) reallife should not be directly compared. Its apples and oranges, but they both grow on trees and come under the broad title of 'fruit'. One person may prefer apples over oranges, but that doesn't give a right to condemn someone that prefers oranges. I have been in the fortunate position of enjoying both

Online is very different to reallife. With the limitation of no physical contact, other senses tend to improve. Just like a blind person's other senses develop because of lack of sight, in online the use of voice and the mind become the focus and in my experience, with wonderful results.

Obviously, those that rely the most heavily on the physical side of D/s would have much more difficulty than those that receive their enjoyment from the challenge of Control and submission via the mind. Clearly, online would not be for everyone, but for some, the mental aspect is all that is required to have a satisfying relationship.

In fact, I will go so far as to say, for me, that after going from a r/l situation to online I learnt much more about my own and my sub's mindset without the distraction of the physical. It is a very rewarding experience. It is very challenging to get inside another's head this way, and just as many subbies get their satisfaction from the struggles they must endure, I get my satisfaction from the control I can have through the mind and the challenges I face to achieve that control. lol.. it is not so hard to get control back of a subbie in r/l when she gets one of her feisty moods, it often takes little more than a few swats to her butt - but online it is a mental challenge to regain that control and can be a lot of fun

My particular kink is Orgasm, tease denial and control, cum-on-demand, etc. And yes, even cum-on-demand can be taught in an online environment, especially if you have the voice capability via an internet phone. Although I don't usually have this sort of play on IM, as an experiment one time I did type to a subbie that had learnt cum-on-command: 'No questions, no hesitation, just open your mind and hear my voice and "Cum for me Now!". And yes it worked!

OK, I am sure there will be skeptics that don't believe she really did cum and that she just claimed she did so. Well, for those that have been in healthy online relationships, they fully understand the importance of trust and honesty. I have no reason to believe that she would lie about this, nor would she have had any reason to do so. Online is not about roleplay. For most of us it is a real D/s relationship with real tasks, real actions and real results. We many be somewhat limited in some of the physical tasks that can be achieved, but if they aren't particularly important to your kink, its not a major loss.

For those that come online because of a non-understanding vanilla relationship, I feel for you. I do agree with others, that if the spouse does not know of the relationship there is an element of cheating involved, but on the other hand, I also understand that this 'cheating' may be saving a marriage by satisfying a demanding need. It must be quite a dilemma for some, and while I would prefer to see a situation where the spouse knows of and condones the online play, I can also understand those that have a spouse that would never be able to comprehend the importance of this release. My very sincere wishes to anyone struggling through this.

There are many reasons why people choose online, and the above is just one of them. Just as there are many different reasons why some prefer apples over oranges.

Brosco

 

[fieryjen]

That was, in my opinion, a very good post, Brosco it expressed much of what feel as well.

I really just came back to this thread to rant right now, because I noticed how much it pisses me off when people refer to online relationships exclusively as "role-playing". But you already stole all of my arguments, so thanks for saving me the typing trouble

 

[ocontrol4u]

That was, in my opinion, a very good post, Brosco it expressed much of what feel as well.

I really just came back to this thread to rant right now, because I noticed how much it pisses me off when people refer to online relationships exclusively as "role-playing". But you already stole all of my arguments, so thanks for saving me the typing trouble

I understand and noticed that too jen - the constant reference to roleplay just showed to me how little people understood the subject they were commenting on.

The reality is, that while there is roleplay in chatrooms, that is not an online relationship, in fact, just as many reallifers indulge in roleplay as those online. It's an itellectual game of creating an interactive fantasy, and if those that want to comment on online realationships see that as the same, they really need to get a better understanding if they want to be taken seriously.

Roleplay can be fun, I certainly won't knock it.. BUT .. don't make it the characteristic of just one part of D/s ... many indulge. Its the same as all parts of D/s, just cause it aint your thang, don't knock it.

I know a well known published D/s author that is a reallife sadist and he and his masochistic wife go to chatrooms to relax with a bit of roleplay with others.

Brosco

 

[alice_underneath]

For those that come online because of a non-understanding vanilla relationship, I feel for you. I do agree with others, that if the spouse does not know of the relationship there is an element of cheating involved, but on the other hand, I also understand that this 'cheating' may be saving a marriage by satisfying a demanding need. It must be quite a dilemma for some, and while I would prefer to see a situation where the spouse knows of and condones the online play, I can also understand those that have a spouse that would never be able to comprehend the importance of this release. My very sincere wishes to anyone struggling through this.

Considering that you just argued (very effectively) that online relationships are real, your qualifications here seem a bit disingenuous. If the online relationship is real, then the cheating is real too.

This is not a relationship with "an element of" infidelity, or infidelity modified by apostrophes around the word. What you are describing is an extra-marital affair, with all of the risks and guilt associated with the same.

In fact, I would say that the risks involved in the type of relationship you've described are even greater than the case in which a man wanders off to f*** some woman he doesn't care about.

To me, marriage is a union of the heart, mind, and body. Cheating of any kind will be dangerous to a monogamous relationship built on trust and love. Relatively speaking, however, cheating with the body is - in my opinion - less serious than cheating with the heart and soul.

As for your phrase - "non-understanding vanilla relationship", and your description of the "spouse that would never be able to comprehend the importance of this release" - I'd like to make an analogy here.

A non-masochistic spouse who is unable to fully satisfy her sadistic husband's needs is no more guilty/insensitive/non-understanding than a woman who has developed a physical illness preventing vaginal intercourse.

There are some ways in which she can satisfy him, and some ways in which she can not.

Just as it is not his fault for having sadistic needs, so too it is not her fault for being unable to meet them.

The bottom line is: Her non-masochism is no better an excuse for infidelity than his sadism would be if she decided to stray.

In his heart, an honorable guy knows this - which is why there are risks and guilt associated with an online affair, even if the cheating spouse is never caught.

Guilt has a way of eating at a person's conscience. The long term effects on his relationships - with both his wife and the Other Woman - will be difficult to predict, but impossible to avoid.

There are no easy answers here, and moral absolutes are not particularly helpful. This post is really my long-winded way of agreeing with Curious, who wrote:

Add to that the issues of those who have "online affairs" or get "emotionally involved" without their partner's knowledge, and one ends up stirring a pot of sticky relationship soup instead of fostering a healthy Love life.

Exactly.

Alice

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I have played a little bit in one online relationship which did turn RL for a minute but don't have any desire to do so again now that I've tasted real life scenarios.

I can however see a positive side of online if used for support or as an educational tool.

...and that is all I have to say about that.

 

[FurryFury]

I mentioned role play because it led me to D/s and this site. That eventually led me to an online Master. Our relationship didn't have anything to do with role play, at least not on my part.

Fury

 

[Sprinkles22]

I mentioned role play because it led me to D/s and this site. That eventually led me to an online Master. Our relationship didn't have anything to do with role play, at least not on my part.

Fury

Congrats Fury

I was fortunate to find a Dom, who became my friend and mentor online, nothing more at the time ..... the 'claiming' came naturally, when it was time. It wasn't forced or rushed, it was a beautiful realization that as we had been chatting and sharing about what we sought in others, that which we desired was within each other. By the time we accepted each other, the trust and D/s was very strong and stable.

I wish that for everyone.

 

[babiesmiles]

Online relationships are much alike any other ones ..they can work well or they cannot ... it depends on people involved , on their efforts , on the level of committment , on the actual interest people feel for each other .....like everything else in everyday life .

There are things and relations one feels be worthy a fight , they can be online or offline with people we can meet on workplace, supermarket or in a chatroom .

The internet is a media , like mail or phone, the real thing which counts is the brain level of the people involved .

A man / woman is not a better person just because you ( general you ) met him /her on a bus or at a party instead than online .

Then .. there is subjective sense of the measure which should guide us ( general us ) in our own choices besides our awareness to understand if an online relation can be good or bad for ourselves .

In my opinion there is not a general rule , everyone knows very well ( or at least should know after a certain amount of experiences ) what is good or bad for personal needs and expectations and should behave accordingly to that.

People are the key , and one's skills to understand if the person we are dealing with is worthy, not the media we are using to interweave relations ( any kind of them ) with .

I think we all are giving to the "online factor " too much importance .... lets try to consider it just a media like the phone and not cover it with credits or faults it has not .

The computer is a tool , the net is a tool , I don't leave my brain in a jar when i sit in front a keyboard like I don't do it when I talk on the phone or I hand write a letter ( yeah I do it too and I love it !)

The online / offline issue should be treated with less passion .

After all as a wise anonymous said .. "computers aren't intelligent , they only think they are !!"

Behind every screen there is a person ..it is up to us to find out if that person is our mate or just a moron !

 

[raven2]

Online relationships are much alike any other ones ..they can work well or they cannot ... it depends on people involved , on their efforts , on the level of committment , on the actual interest people feel for each other .....like everything else in everyday life .

There are things and relations one feels be worthy a fight , they can be online or offline with people we can meet on workplace, supermarket or in a chatroom .

The internet is a media , like mail or phone, the real thing which counts is the brain level of the people involved .

A man / woman is not a better person just because you ( general you ) met him /her on a bus or at a party instead than online .

Then .. there is subjective sense of the measure which should guide us ( general us ) in our own choices besides our awareness to understand if an online relation can be good or bad for ourselves .

In my opinion there is not a general rule , everyone knows very well ( or at least should know after a certain amount of experiences ) what is good or bad for personal needs and expectations and should behave accordingly to that.

People are the key , and one's skills to understand if the person we are dealing with is worthy, not the media we are using to interweave relations ( any kind of them ) with .

I think we all are giving to the "online factor " too much importance .... lets try to consider it just a media like the phone and not cover it with credits or faults it has not .

The computer is a tool , the net is a tool , I don't leave my brain in a jar when i sit in front a keyboard like I don't do it when I talk on the phone or I hand write a letter ( yeah I do it too and I love it !)

The online / offline issue should be treated with less passion .

After all as a wise anonymous said .. "computers aren't intelligent , they only think they are !!"

Behind every screen there is a person ..it is up to us to find out if that person is our mate or just a moron !

SOme good points, babiesmiles. Also remember that the vast majority of people aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

 

[Kajira Callista]

SOme good points, babiesmiles. Also remember that the vast majority of people aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

thats a pretty not nice statement

 

[babiesmiles]

SOme good points, babiesmiles. Also remember that the vast majority of people aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

just like computers then

 

[FurryFury]

Congrats Fury

I was fortunate to find a Dom, who became my friend and mentor online, nothing more at the time ..... the 'claiming' came naturally, when it was time. It wasn't forced or rushed, it was a beautiful realization that as we had been chatting and sharing about what we sought in others, that which we desired was within each other. By the time we accepted each other, the trust and D/s was very strong and stable.

I wish that for everyone.

Well, thanks but the relationship is over now and I don't even know why. I hope to find another someday. I've sort of given up though.

I'm happy for you! *hug*

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

It sounds like you had a wonderful person.

Extremely wonderful, and still someone I can depend on and trust. I think where many get hung up with online is when they begin role playing or concentrating solely on D/s between them both, without getting to know the real person. For myself, I see online as a wonderful tool for meeting in either D/s or vanilla situations as it removes the physical aspects which often distract and mislead in face to face relationships. That is of course if you are not doing the webcam thing which was another thing I refused until I had gotten to know a person very well, and even then it was not used for sexual play, more so seeing each other as we talked. Online provides a very concentrated and in some ways limited form of interaction which has the advantage of providing the perfect reason for getting to know who a person is.

Yes, people can fake it, but I found, and still do, that is near impossible to do on a regular and over an extended period of time.....they slip up somewhere and if you are alert you begin to see the contradictions. Communicating in this way allows you to get to know the character of a person, what their beliefs and hopes are, what makes them tick, what things you have in common to talk about and do together. And why do you need to know these things? Because there has to be something to connect you apart from just D/s play if you want a long term relationship, and to survive those little moments life throws at you when your world turns upside down. Most who base the relationship only on the sexual and D/s elements without that underlying bond, find that in those moments their partner either can't cope, doesn't want to cope or know, or is out the door so fast they are knocked down by the wind blast.

For us it worked perfectly and though I still am surprised we both were content to marry 2 weeks after meeting (and having to book that in advance of the meeting), it has stood the test of time and some fairly unexpected major life traumas/stressors to boot. LOL, a doctor I saw a couple of weeks ago was shocked to know half of what has happened in the last 3 years in our life (non D/s), and that we are still sane, together, and coping well.

Catalina

 

[Victoria_2001_02769]

~ While I realize that online D/s is just that - online - and yet, some of us have acknowledged that it can be a "training tool" - there is one aspect of the D/s relationship that I will not engage in - either online or in reality.

It is: age play. I will not play "li'l girl" to the Dom's "daddy". To me, and/or to perhaps others who may feel as I do, those of us who had a very healthy, innocent and loving relationship with our fathers - and who hold those memories as cherished - it is my opinion - that to resort to this form of play scenes - is tantamount to a form of worship for the deviant fathers who prey on their daughters for their sexual release - thus turning the daughter into his sexual partner - and to me, that is:

wrong, Wrong, WRong, WRONG!​

It's sick - and just slightly twisted. This is just my feeling, or, MHO. I don't need those of you who enjoy 'age play' and can make it an enjoyable time for you, to jump down my throat or jump my shit for that opinion.

I'm just being straight-up about a hard limit. It's one I will not budge on.

 

[catalina_francisco]

~ While I realize that online D/s is just that - online - and yet, some of us have acknowledged that it can be a "training tool" - there is one aspect of the D/s relationship that I will not engage in - either online or in reality.

It is: age play. I will not play "li'l girl" to the Dom's "daddy". To me, and/or to perhaps others who may feel as I do, those of us who had a very healthy, innocent and loving relationship with our fathers - and who hold those memories as cherished - it is my opinion - that to resort to this form of play scenes - is tantamount to a form of worship for the deviant fathers who prey on their daughters for their sexual release - thus turning the daughter into his sexual partner - and to me, that is:

wrong, Wrong, WRong, WRONG!​

It's sick - and just slightly twisted. This is just my feeling, or, MHO. I don't need those of you who enjoy 'age play' and can make it an enjoyable time for you, to jump down my throat or jump my shit for that opinion.

I'm just being straight-up about a hard limit. It's one I will not budge on.

Be careful...this forum is filled with statements about limits that just would never change, only to find down the line and with a little more time, experience and understanding that they become a desire and even a loved activity. While age play is not something we are into, I can see where it works for some people and why.

Catalina

 

[Victoria_2001_02769]

Be careful...this forum is filled with statements about limits that just would never change, only to find down the line and with a little more time, experience and understanding that they become a desire and even a loved activity. While age play is not something we are into, I can see where it works for some people and why.

Catalina

~ I do not intend on changing my feeling on this hard limit. It is, to me, an activity that I would neither engage in - nor wish to understand. As I said - IMHO it is not for me. I am not saying that there are those who may engage and enjoy the "age play" scenes. Those that do - fine. Do not include me in that group.

 

[Kajira Callista]

~ While I realize that online D/s is just that - online - and yet, some of us have acknowledged that it can be a "training tool" - there is one aspect of the D/s relationship that I will not engage in - either online or in reality.

It is: age play. I will not play "li'l girl" to the Dom's "daddy". To me, and/or to perhaps others who may feel as I do, those of us who had a very healthy, innocent and loving relationship with our fathers - and who hold those memories as cherished - it is my opinion - that to resort to this form of play scenes - is tantamount to a form of worship for the deviant fathers who prey on their daughters for their sexual release - thus turning the daughter into his sexual partner - and to me, that is:

wrong, Wrong, WRong, WRONG!​

It's sick - and just slightly twisted. This is just my feeling, or, MHO. I don't need those of you who enjoy 'age play' and can make it an enjoyable time for you, to jump down my throat or jump my shit for that opinion.

I'm just being straight-up about a hard limit. It's one I will not budge on.

i don't think age play has anything to do with a healthy or unhealthy childhood. and i kinda look good in pigtails and fluffy white cotton panties and do well at lolli sucking

 

[Sprinkles22]

i don't think age play has anything to do with a healthy or unhealthy childhood. and i kinda look good in pigtails and fluffy white cotton panties and do well at lolli sucking

I love the endearment terms from my Master ... Baby, Good Girl, Little One, etc .... but I don't see Him as a father figure to me. I see Him as protecting me and cherishing me and if need be, disciplining me ... but He is not a "Daddy" in our relationship. I am His "Pet", but not His child.

Age is, however, important to me. He is older, and I respect his age and maturity and wisdom. I am not sure how well I would be with a Dom my own age.

 

[catalina_francisco]

~ I do not intend on changing my feeling on this hard limit. It is, to me, an activity that I would neither engage in - nor wish to understand. As I said - IMHO it is not for me. I am not saying that there are those who may engage and enjoy the "age play" scenes. Those that do - fine. Do not include me in that group.

LOL, this is the point I am trying to get through to you though......you are not the first, nor will you be the last, to say never, never, never about a particular activity, only to change your feelings later on once you have had a lot more experience and perhaps met someone who is more to you than just a good time. Understanding also can play a big part in it and if you are going to close your mind to understanding particular activities you do not know much about but have an uninformed opinion on, you are going to find this lifestyle is maybe not for you. It is not all fairtytales and fantasies played out to how you envision they should be. As to including you in any group, that is always entirely up to you, but is wise not to judge others who enjoy things you do not, simply because they are not your thing.

Catalina

 

[Victoria_2001_02769]

LOL, this is the point I am trying to get through to you though......you are not the first, nor will you be the last, to say never, never, never about a particular activity, only to change your feelings later on once you have had a lot more experience and perhaps met someone who is more to you than just a good time. Understanding also can play a big part in it and if you are going to close your mind to understanding particular activities you do not know much about but have an uninformed opinion on, you are going to find this lifestyle is maybe not for you. It is not all fairtytales and fantasies played out to how you envision they should be. As to including you in any group, that is always entirely up to you, but is wise not to judge others who enjoy things you do not, simply because they are not your thing.

Catalina

~ Let me be succinctly clear about something:


I am not saying that there are not those who may engage in, and enjoy, the "age play" scenes. Those that do - fine... I hope you continue to enjoy them.

I am saying - that at this precise moment in time - and seeing as how you are suddenly so fond of picking my quotes apart - please do not say I am "juding others who enjoy things you do not, simply because they are not your thing". I am not judging others for their likings - nor did I.... whether I ever understand it or not.

Nor did I say it was all fairytales and fantasies, played out as how I envision they should be.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

It sounds more like an issue of personal taste, if I understand Victoria correctly. And she is saying that she doesn't like it. Fair enough. I like it myself at times, I admit. It's fun for me. But not for everyone. And Catalina is right to speak up and say that it isn't evil, just because Victoria doesn't like it.

 

[FurryFury]

~ While I realize that online D/s is just that - online - and yet, some of us have acknowledged that it can be a "training tool" - there is one aspect of the D/s relationship that I will not engage in - either online or in reality.

It is: age play. I will not play "li'l girl" to the Dom's "daddy". To me, and/or to perhaps others who may feel as I do, those of us who had a very healthy, innocent and loving relationship with our fathers - and who hold those memories as cherished - it is my opinion - that to resort to this form of play scenes - is tantamount to a form of worship for the deviant fathers who prey on their daughters for their sexual release - thus turning the daughter into his sexual partner - and to me, that is:

wrong, Wrong, WRong, WRONG!​

It's sick - and just slightly twisted. This is just my feeling, or, MHO. I don't need those of you who enjoy 'age play' and can make it an enjoyable time for you, to jump down my throat or jump my shit for that opinion.

I'm just being straight-up about a hard limit. It's one I will not budge on.

I think it's fine that this is a hard limit for you. I think it's fine that you personally find this wrong for you.

Finding it wrong for someone else, which is not what I think you meant, would be wrong too.

I personally would LOVE to be someone's lil girl and to serve my "Daddy."

I also don't think that a dysfunctional Father/daughter relationship has to be the reason why someone would find it not only all right but appealing. I think in general people tend to jump to that sort of generalized rational about ALL people that are involved in D/s. There must be some sort of childhood abuse, neglect or a mental illness. I think that is incorrect and offensive. People just love to pigeon hole and put down others though.

Again, Victoria, I don't believe you meant to do this in your post. *hugs*

Fury