"Coming out" about BDSM

[serendipitous2]

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[jenniferbaby]

Up until just a few months ago, I really didn't have anything to hide because I didn't have anything going on. Now that I have a little something going on, it's interesting and a little nerve-wracking to navigate the waters of what to tell and not tell people. Online, I tend to share on whatever level the other person shares and am never uncomfortable saying I'm submissive. Offline, it's quite a different story, but so far I haven't had any problems.

I recently confided in my brother about my interest in D/s, being submissive, and exploring both online and off--and he says, "Yeah, that fits in with your personality." I've gotten an assignment to read a book on BDSM and leave it somewhere where a co-worker, a potential friend, will see it and ask about it. She might be cool about discussing it, she might look at me a little differently from then on. Who knows until I do it. I will say that when I mentioned Lit to her in passing, she giggled and said, "You know, it's always those quiet ones."

 

[dear_prudence]

I must admit, I am intimidated by the lot of you. And it makes me very self-conscious about posting.. Especially with the level of intelligence going on (with certain people).

i feel the same as you do, quite often in fact. but i'm glad for the ones who are open and willing to share so much, and maybe one day i can be one of the intelligent intimidating ones <G>

 

[CutieMouse]

Not very often unless specifically asked, but I'm pretty open about everything, including sex. I just don't mention the full spectrum of depraved activities I'm into very often.

Incidentally I think kinksters should have a word for "outing" themselves. If gays get "the closet," what do we get - out of the cage? the dungeon?

I guess I just don't really feel [see] the need to be "out" (outside of potential partners). Anyone (acquaintence, coworker, etc) who spends any real amount of time with me will pick up an alternative-sexy-librarian vibe. Anyone with half a brain cell will figure out certain things; everyone else is probably better off in their ignorance.

 

[YourCaptor]

A good friend of mine was joking around trying to make the point that I’m sexist. He says something like, “You’re the one who wants to tie up girls and fuck them, why don’t you want to do that to guys?”

I reply with, “Who says I don’t want to tie up guys and fuck them”, while looking him directly in the eyes.

His expression was priceless, a mix between being totally creeping out, shocked, and amused.

That’s a good example of how my sex life is open for public consumption. People don’t really know details, they just know that I do some weird shit.

People… Americans particularly, are prude as fuck, but if you keep it light and give them an out, such as its just a joke, you can talk about things and they wont summon and exorcist.

 

[Sayyid]

I guess I just don't really feel [see] the need to be "out" (outside of potential partners). Anyone (acquaintence, coworker, etc) who spends any real amount of time with me will pick up an alternative-sexy-librarian vibe. Anyone with half a brain cell will figure out certain things; everyone else is probably better off in their ignorance.

Ooh, sexy librarian.

But that's the problem. If I see people I don't know very well who give off the vibe they might be into this stuff, I can't know for sure without asking them. It's a big risk if it turns out they're really not.

 

[Bandit58]

I am slowly inching my way onto Lit... hehe.

That is wonderful to hear about you and Sir. I met Him on Lit here as well. Glad to hear there are success stories.


In going back to the topic and my response, do you think it's a bit bold of me to wear my collar out in public? I wonder how many vanilla folk truly understand what it means.

I have a black leather collar that I'd probably wear to things like a play party or Sexpo, but not in general public life....
a) because I'm not an exhibitionist and
b) I see no need to advertise my sexuality/dynamic to vanilla folks who most probably don't have a clue (it's easy to forget that the real world isn't like Lit and most people think we are deviant perverts )

I do wear a "collar" though, it's a silver tiffany padlock on a choker chain. It is sufficient that Sir and I know what it means, nobody else needs to

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I must admit, I am intimidated by the lot of you. And it makes me very self-conscious about posting.. Especially with the level of intelligence going on (with certain people).

There's no need to be intimidated by anyone here (wellllll, except maybe the Angelic one)... unless you *want* to be intimidated We're just normal everyday people, the ones you see walking down the street of any city, working in offices, shops, wherever, hither, thither and yon. Some of us have a lot of experience, some have some experience, some have little experience, but we share a desire to live our lives - our sex lives, at least - within a certain spectrum of activities, and for the most part we're willing - nay, more than willing in most cases! - to share what we've learned over the months, years or decades with those just coming into the culture.

As far as the level of intelligence ... meh. It's not "what ya got" that counts, whether it's an IQ of 168 or a 12-inch penis or an annual income of >$250K. It's what you *do* with what you have that counts. I've known geniuses who I wouldn't trust to mow my lawn, and "mentally challenged" persons I'd trust with a baby.

Don't be self-conscious; be yourself.

 

[rida]

When it comes to details on how you enjoy your sex-life, I do not think there is any need to be specific with the whole world. In r/l, beside the person I'm having sex with and a close friend (or two), nobody needs to know them. Depending on the company, friends VS work acquaintances, I might joke about liking a position over another, but private life, is, well, private. (On line, and especially here on Lit, I'm a bit more forthcoming with it )

So liking it vanilla or BDSM, it still belongs to the private sphere, and I do not see the need to be "open" about it.

However I can see that if D/s or M/s are something more than a bedroom activity, i.e. wearing a collar all the time, there might be occasion where questions might be asked. At the end thou, how you live your life is your business, and as far as you are respectful of the others around that have not agreed in being part of your dynamic (same as you are not having sex at the local kiddie park in daylight when everybody is around), it should not be anybody's business.

As for dropping hints in vanilla situations ... that is up to your own sense of comfort with the people you are with. And the risks are, more or less, like hinting that you like a certain football team when the other side is instead a fan of the opposing team (trust me, if you are an Italian soccer fan, the implications could be the same )

And just join in with questions and opinions! They are all a friendly bunch, even when they are dissecting your sentences one word at the time.

 

[serendipitous2]

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[serendipitous2]

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[Netzach]

Ooh, sexy librarian.

But that's the problem. If I see people I don't know very well who give off the vibe they might be into this stuff, I can't know for sure without asking them. It's a big risk if it turns out they're really not.

Yuh huh.

I've had this issue with sexuality in general. I sometimes bludgeon myself over the head with the "duh not EVERYONE is bisexual" meme to the point where I miss it when someone's totally like, gay for me. Or just gay.

 

[Netzach]

I handle it as a need to know thing. Ask me and I'll tell you, but if you don't know me well asking me makes you the perv.

 

[bruisedangel]

So, I have question. How would you go about finding out if someone is into all things BSDM? One of my bosses at work will play "let's see which one of us can drop the most overt innuendos at each other, without making the other blush" game constantly. Most of the things said lean towards him being very Dominant, and very interested in submissive me. I'm just wondering if there's a way, that anyone here might know, of my going about confirming my suspicions.

 

[MisterSir]

While I'll answer any question I'm posed, only two people I personally know other than my parents have any idea about this side of mine, and even my parents don't know anywhere near the full scope. I just don't have any interest in it being public knowledge.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Most of my friends know I'm some variation of perv.

A couple of others know a bit.

They're more recent friends though; old, old friends don't know yet, but would probably be quite cool with it.

I really can't imagine telling my family. My grandmother would probably try and pin my 'depression' on that, instead of my weight. My parents would do their usual, and pretend like it doesn't exist.

Anyone who I think *shouldn't* know, has learned that when I tell them they don't want to know something, then they *really* don't want to know.

 

[scarletnym]

People… Americans particularly, are prude as fuck, but if you keep it light and give them an out, such as its just a joke, you can talk about things and they wont summon and exorcist.

Lol. Really...all of us? I don't know if I would call myself a prude. Shy maybe but definitley not prude

 

[scarletnym]

I am slowly inching my way onto Lit... hehe.

That is wonderful to hear about you and Sir. I met Him on Lit here as well. Glad to hear there are success stories.


In going back to the topic and my response, do you think it's a bit bold of me to wear my collar out in public? I wonder how many vanilla folk truly understand what it means.

I've heard a lot of people say they have an alternate "collar" for public, like a necklace, choker, or something similar.

 

[scarletnym]

There's no need to be intimidated by anyone here (wellllll, except maybe the Angelic one)... unless you *want* to be intimidated .

Where do we go for that

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So, I have question. How would you go about finding out if someone is into all things BSDM? One of my bosses at work will play "let's see which one of us can drop the most overt innuendos at each other, without making the other blush" game constantly. Most of the things said lean towards him being very Dominant, and very interested in submissive me. I'm just wondering if there's a way, that anyone here might know, of my going about confirming my suspicions.

I'll repeat a suggestion, one-quarter kidding-three quarters serious, that I made to someone else privately: Deliberately misstate something he says, and when he corrects you, say something like, "Oh, my bad. Are you going to spank me now?" His response will tell you volumes.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

There's no need to be intimidated by anyone here (wellllll, except maybe the Angelic one)... unless you *want* to be intimidated

Where do we go for that

LOL - for r/l, try your local munch/play groups. Online, drop into the Café (right next door ----->); you'll find lots of people who like to play. Also for online, you could try the BDSM Personals forum, but beware: your PM inbox will fill rapidly, with much of the input coming from wannabes, trolls and clueless HNGs.

 

[scarletnym]

LOL - for r/l, try your local munch/play groups. Online, drop into the Café (right next door ----->); you'll find lots of people who like to play. Also for online, you could try the BDSM Personals forum, but beware: your PM inbox will fill rapidly, with much of the input coming from wannabes, trolls and clueless HNGs.

Yeah, not looking for wannabes, etc. lol Maybe i'll try the Café. thank you, Sir Winston

 

[JMohegan]

So, I have question. How would you go about finding out if someone is into all things BSDM? One of my bosses at work will play "let's see which one of us can drop the most overt innuendos at each other, without making the other blush" game constantly. Most of the things said lean towards him being very Dominant, and very interested in submissive me. I'm just wondering if there's a way, that anyone here might know, of my going about confirming my suspicions.

Your boss is behaving in an irresponsible, and distinctly unprofessional, way. Guaranteed - your other bosses, and coworkers, are aware of the guy's inappropriate M.O.

My advice is to give his innuendo a cool reception, focus on the job you're being paid to do, and maintain your own professional demeanor at all times.

If you had asked about some guy you chat with at the gym, a mutual friend's BBQ, the local food bank or wherever you volunteer your time, etc., then I would recommend responding to his innuendo by flirting in kind. Winston's suggestion is good (for a non-work acquaintance), if it fits your personality. Try to respond to him naturally, because that's really the ultimate goal. A matching in which you just naturally fit.

 

[Netzach]

I also really believe in the adage "don't shit where you eat." There are a lot of people you can find who don't sign your paycheck to go get laid.

The only time anyone I worked with knew anything about ANYTHING overtly was a very informal workplace, and I let them go first with the revelations.

 

[JMohegan]

So I take it that many of you, like me, keep your sex life and especially your particular perversions to yourselves most of the time. (Others may not be so inhibited.) I haven't told many people about my interest in BDSM, or at least the full extent of it, but last night I had a long and involved conversation with a friend who was curious about it and had never met anyone who was into the scene before. I explained all about D/s, bondage, dungeons, different types of play et&c. Point is, how open are you about your kinky interests? Do you talk about your sex life freely, or are you more timid? Do you find others react with curiosity or revulsion? Me, I'm trying to open up a bit me and express my feelings more clearly. I don't consider it anything to be ashamed of, just another lifestyle that people engage in.

Feel free to share your experiences here.

Hiding in the closet's not my style, but neither is kiss & tell.

I am very open about my general orientation (but not intimate details thereof), and have been ever since I became comfortable with it. In my experience, conversations are most productive when they are one-on-one. Any initial disgust is most often overcome with a calm discussion of the power & pain spectrums. I don't usually talk about dungeons, titles, collars, or other elements of cultural BDSM, because I'm just not into those trappings.