"Coming out" about BDSM

[00Syd]

I am out as kinky to my mother and most of my friends. Of course at this point I'm pretty sure I have more kinky friends than vanilla friends, anyway. Makes things pretty uncomplicated.

I came out to my mother pretty early on because I figured a brief and slightly awkward conversation up front was preferable to a much more awkward and possibly angry conversation when she happened to see a bruise or come across some toy later on down the road. I came out to my friends simply because its easier to answer truthfully when asked what I did last weekend than to lie about it. Of course this is easier for me than it might be for other folks since pretty much all of my vanilla friends are open-minded New Yorker-types.

I don't see it as something I really need to hide unless the truth will get me fired or something. Luckily I'm unemployed and so don't really have to worry about that, and so I'm pretty forthcoming. The one (and really only) precaution I take is to never have my face visible in photos at play parties or in kinky situations in case I end up in a career where evidence of my deviance could fuck me over.

 

[Sayyid]

Great responses, all of you. I can see there are a variety of opinions on the issue of being open/closeted about your interest in BDSM. Some people feel comfortable divulging this fact; others do not, and prefer to keep it private. Me, I don't go out of my way to make it known but if asked I would answer honestly. It may surprise people that a mild-mannered, introverted type like me is actually into taking the dominant role.

However I can see that if D/s or M/s are something more than a bedroom activity, i.e. wearing a collar all the time, there might be occasion where questions might be asked. At the end thou, how you live your life is your business, and as far as you are respectful of the others around that have not agreed in being part of your dynamic (same as you are not having sex at the local kiddie park in daylight when everybody is around), it should not be anybody's business.

Oops. I can't say I've never done this.

 

[Homburg]

My good friends tend to know. I've been told many times that it's bloody obvious, so I don't sweat it all that much. As to specifics, well, they know I'm poly, and tend to know that I'm in charge. The former because, well, there's another gal in my life, and I don't tend to hide her, and the latter because, simply put, there is not one single person that I know face-to-face that would assume anything to the contrary. Everything else depends on the individual. Most people that I'm friends with probably suspect that I'm some sort of perv even if they don't know outright.

My parents, viv's parents, and MIS' parents all know, at minimum, about the poly side. MIS' parents know she is into BDSM, and mine know that there's more than meets the eye going on. At one point, my dad was grilling me, so I just looked at him and asked if he really wanted to know. I said I'd tell him, but made clear that he asked for it. He didn't give me a bit of guff after that, as he's a smart guy and knew that he didn't really want to know.

I don't see a reason to be blatant about it, nor do I see a reason to hide it away from the world entirely. It's part of my life, but so is my cock, and I don't go waving it around like a flagpole when I'm on the job.

I must admit, I am intimidated by the lot of you. And it makes me very self-conscious about posting.. Especially with the level of intelligence going on (with certain people).

Eh, I know I put my pants on one leg at a time, like most everyone else. Okay, AngelicAssassin's pants slither on when he tells them to, but he's cool like that. Everybody else here is just folks. Kinky folks, sure, but normal enough.

 

[Primalex]

So, I have question. How would you go about finding out if someone is into all things BSDM? One of my bosses at work will play "let's see which one of us can drop the most overt innuendos at each other, without making the other blush" game constantly. Most of the things said lean towards him being very Dominant, and very interested in submissive me.

He is not.

 

[rida]

It also seems to be a difference between folks with kids and without, folk with jobs and selfemployed in the amount of comfort in being open about kink.

It is unfortunately still true that an alternative life-style that, as in the case of BDSM, is strongly considered connected with "deviant acts" can cause problems if used against you (custody case, job review, etc).

I also really believe in the adage "don't shit where you eat." There are a lot of people you can find who don't sign your paycheck to go get laid.

The only time anyone I worked with knew anything about ANYTHING overtly was a very informal workplace, and I let them go first with the revelations.

Yes. Better avoid such things.
(says the gal who's other Master has work connection with her Hubby ... )

*snip*
Oops. I can't say I've never done this.

perv!

hehehe ..... public sex .... mmmmmmm

 

[Sayyid]

He is not.

Impossible to know, isn't it.

perv!

hehehe ..... public sex .... mmmmmmm

That's just the thing. Some people would call me a pervert for having differing tastes than them. However, I think most of my circle of friends are open-minded enough to accept that I'm into stuff they're not.

 

[Primalex]

Impossible to know, isn't it.

Not really.

 

[Sayyid]

So how do you know for certain? Do you have the rare gift of telepathy at your disposal?

 

[rosco rathbone]

It's not the ropes and floggers aspect my peeps have a beef with. It's the male-dominated household side of things.

 

[nh23]

My entire family knows. I wasn't really given a choice in the situation though. I am glad they know though so I don't have to hide it.

Almost all my friends are kinky, so all my friends know how I am too. The only place I have to keep secrets is at work.

 

[nh23]

It's not the ropes and floggers aspect my peeps have a beef with. It's the male-dominated household side of things.

Yes! I get more shit for allowing a man to tell me what to do, than for being a masochist. A lot more. I was told once I put feminism back 100 years.

 

[Sayyid]

Clearly whoever said that doesn't understand the meaning of consent.

I can't think of many things more feminist than a woman doing what she wants to because it pleases her.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Clearly whoever said that doesn't understand the meaning of consent.

I can't think of many things more feminist than a woman doing what she wants to because it pleases her.

False consciousness/stockholm syndrome they call it.

 

[nh23]

False consciousness/stockholm syndrome they call it.

*snorts*

 

[Sayyid]

False consciousness/stockholm syndrome they call it.

I call it sex-negative bullshit.

False consciousness is a Marxist term totally unrelated to BDSM, and Stockholm syndrome is a sociological phenomenon that applies to kidnapping, not consensual activities. You already know this of course but I'm just venting.

 

[rinka]

I have a group of very close girlfriends that I felt I needed to come out to. Mostly beacuse we are feminists. We talk some about a sex, but more than that we talk about power structures in relationships. Who initiates what, responsibilties, balances, how fights or arguments play out, control in different areas of life, what we model for our kids.... And our own sexuality, lust, needs, masturbation orgasms...

It was very difficult for me before I told anyone of them, I felt false and evasive. I waited partly because I hadn't really figured how to integrate the D/s and my feminism. And partly because it's a pretty big thing, lol. Anyway, they all found it very interesting and cool. They say I'm brave and an inspiration.

Another of my closest and oldest friend I haven't told anything. I know she doesn't want to know, she has previously told me that she doesn't like to talk about sex and details about other people's sexlife. So out of respect for her I keep it to myself.

My family I will probably never inform of anything regarding my sexlife.

 

[Sayyid]

I'm glad that you "came out" to your friends about your interest in BDSM and it went well. I hope others have more success stories about their experiences.

 

[Kajira Callista]

It's not the ropes and floggers aspect my peeps have a beef with. It's the male-dominated household side of things.

I love you Rosco. lol

 

[CutieMouse]

Clearly whoever said that doesn't understand the meaning of consent.

I can't think of many things more feminist than a woman doing what she wants to because it pleases her.

Clearly you've never been a submissive woman in a post-feminist world. LOL

 

[the captians wench]

So I take it that many of you, like me, keep your sex life and especially your particular perversions to yourselves most of the time. (Others may not be so inhibited.) I haven't told many people about my interest in BDSM, or at least the full extent of it, but last night I had a long and involved conversation with a friend who was curious about it and had never met anyone who was into the scene before. I explained all about D/s, bondage, dungeons, different types of play et&c. Point is, how open are you about your kinky interests? Do you talk about your sex life freely, or are you more timid? Do you find others react with curiosity or revulsion? Me, I'm trying to open up a bit me and express my feelings more clearly. I don't consider it anything to be ashamed of, just another lifestyle that people engage in.

Feel free to share your experiences here.

Me, I'm an open book. My family all know to some extent or another the dynamics of my relationship. They don't know all the gory details of the sex part, but if they knew some of the things I have volentered for or agreed to, they'd commit me.

I don't go around shouting it out ontop of buildings but I don't hide under a rock either.

For the most people have been like, "you? really? you're into that? but you are so quiet", I look so sweet. *bats eyes* I like freakng the shit out of people.

 

[Sayyid]

Clearly you've never been a submissive woman in a post-feminist world. LOL

No, but I have my own opinions about feminism and I think attempting to control the actions of women because you disagree with them is contrary to everything feminism stands for.

 

[Netzach]

Clearly you've never been a submissive woman in a post-feminist world. LOL

Or a Dominant woman.

Let's not get too excited here.

Everyone seems to think that someone like me is hunky-dory with the old skool.

 

[CutieMouse]

Or a Dominant woman.

Let's not get too excited here.

Everyone seems to think that someone like me is hunky-dory with the old skool.

Adendum - obviously never been a woman in a post feminist world.

 

[PersephoneAwake]

While I am still very new to the community and have lurked quite a bit, I've already concluded that I would not tell friends and family on a whole. Most of my friends would probably be accepting, but we do not talk about our sex lives in detail. All of my family would be judgemental, so I definitely plan on keeping it separate. However, I do have one friend that I can talk about things in a very general manner and she could care less that I prefer being the submissive in the bedroom.

Luckily, I have on online rp partner that I will never meet or speak with that is wonderful. He's been a great resource. I also have another online friend that I am planning to meet in the future who is an absolute sweetheart. What I have learned from both is that BDSM is so individual that you must do what makes you comfortable, whether it's letting all and sundry know or keeping it a secret.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

For the most people have been like, "you? really? you're into that? but you are so quiet", I look so sweet. *bats eyes* I like freakng the shit out of people.

My ex is convinced that the most innocent looking girls are always the filthiest.



Personally, while I don't so much enjoy the 'freaking people out' part, I do thoroughly enjoy knowing that while people think, and tell me, I'm a good girl, I know that I could turn their world upside down.

It's the 'Madonna in the streets, whore between the sheets' thing.

I tend to like it that way.