nerk
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now i'm thirsty
dirty haiku
- Thread starter nerk
- Start date
now i'm thirsty
butters
High on a Hill
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oh, only 1k? ffs. my fingers'd drop off!
nerk
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aye, 1 haiku+1k words of prose or longer poetry a day is my deal with myself, before I get to start blogging or anything clever. I try to use little words though
Rayven101
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another beautiful one! Love the image of the wind moving over the water. I found myself on the beach @ Point Reyes...cloudy, dark skies and wind moving over me as the sneaker waves hit the shore...
butters
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i preferred the middle line before, tbh. a cleaner read/image - its previous simplicity more at home with this stylised form. and then the gerunds ... using them both make it clunky to my ear.
butters
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so visual, so clean!
nerk
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my head cleared a bit today
nerk
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like some girls
need no pants
(no, I'm not JUST being annoying, here, I'm playing renga)
(but mostly being annoying)
(that is a wonderful poem you've written)
butters
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ah, renga, tanka... all the fun of the syllables, eh?
and not annoying in the least; this is your thread. it (the poem) feels off to me, though ... i keep wanting to alter the line sequence or wording. i have the image in my head, but remain unsure about the words themselves.
perhaps...
a winter tree
small poem
need no leaves
small poem
a winter tree
need no leaves
grrrr. any suggestions? i don't want it to sound like i mean all poems, just some that work best bare
nerk
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First off, I really liked it as written first time out, so any suggestions I offer are just ideas I'm kicking out. In general, I think these sorts of poems try to avoid simile, but in this case, I think it wants it. I tried to rework it minus the like, but it doesn't work as well. It felt over-poetic, too conscientiously avoiding the obvious.
some poems
need no leaves
winter trees
In any order, these three lines as they are (minus the like) strike me as taking the minimalism-at-all-costs aesthetic to a bad place. IMHO, the "like" likes being in the poem, and the poem likes it.
I think the thing that these poems want is immediacy and specificity.
these poems
like winter trees
needs no leaves
or maybe even
like a winter tree
this poem
needs no leaves
personally, I think it'd be fun to do a group renga thread in the traditional way, without mucking around with syllables: just a short 3 line poem, followed by another poet's 2 line addition, followed by another related 3 liner, etc, etc.
and each time you write, you have to take a shot of sake.
some poems
need no leaves
winter trees
In any order, these three lines as they are (minus the like) strike me as taking the minimalism-at-all-costs aesthetic to a bad place. IMHO, the "like" likes being in the poem, and the poem likes it.
I think the thing that these poems want is immediacy and specificity.
these poems
like winter trees
needs no leaves
or maybe even
like a winter tree
this poem
needs no leaves
personally, I think it'd be fun to do a group renga thread in the traditional way, without mucking around with syllables: just a short 3 line poem, followed by another poet's 2 line addition, followed by another related 3 liner, etc, etc.
and each time you write, you have to take a shot of sake.
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