dirty haiku

[Rayven101]

OH to see your face
buried deep in my petals
flowering for you..



*hmm.. yeah. not good.

I love this Honey how many times have I said to my self......"Oh to see"

 

[drown]

and...

was
almost
there,

consumed in your consumption;



but you chose to speak

 

[drown]

but
to know your name...

seven woulds
to know your name!

​

you remain haiku

 

[nerk]

Day 84

ants travel so far
to taste this flower's nectar -
how they must hate bees

 

[butters]

ants travel so far
to taste this flower's nectar -
how they must hate bees

do. not. change. a. word.

super little quiet, resonating short. did i mention i liked it?

 

[greenmountaineer]

ants travel so far
to taste this flower's nectar -
how they must hate bees

Fantastic.

 

[butters]

Fantastic.

isn't it? it even incorporates that certain oriental feel ...


i think this is his best so far.

 

[Rayven101]

Fantastic.

I am in agreement! Nerk I so enjoy this Thread

 

[nerk]

do. not. change. a. word.

super little quiet, resonating short. did i mention i liked it?

Fantastic.

I am in agreement! Nerk I so enjoy this Thread

If I hurt my neck from carrying around the big head you guys are giving me, there's gonna be hell to pay!

thank you all ... it's really rewarding to know when I get one right.

 

[nerk]

Day 85

gold dragonfly lands
on lily's petal - he flies
away so quickly

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

ants travel so far
to taste this flower's nectar -
how they must hate bees

This is lovely, it conjures up an Oriental watercolour and has the same minimalist feel.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Originally Posted by greenmountaineer
Fantastic.

isn't it? it even incorporates that certain oriental feel ...


i think this is his best so far.

Yes, while at the same time, it has a sentence structure that is pleasing to the ear. While I enjoy some haikus because of concise language and interplay between nature and mystery, I find a steady diet a little too much because Japanese syntax is so different. Nerk "aced" it as far as my Anglophone ear is concerned.

 

[nerk]

Day 86

a path leads into
a dense jungle of tangled
wildflowers and stops

 

[drown]

a path does not stop.

impatience
disrespects it.






hubris:

not 'your path'
​

 

[nerk]

colorful critique

 

[nerk]

Day 87

at night, unfinished
pages whisper - dry leaves spinning
across the pavement

 

[butters]

at night, unfinished
pages whisper - dry leaves spinning
across the pavement

so enjoying your wordplay, here, nerk

 

[drown]

colorful critique

really, no critique
your allusion spun the wheels

please take no offence

 

[nerk]

so enjoying your wordplay, here, nerk

thank you chip
words make good toys

 

[nerk]

Day 88

giddy with moonshine
crickets serenade you through
the open window

 

[nerk]

........

 

[nerk]

Day 89

the old stone dam once
held water back, now the stream
breaks it down, released

 

[nerk]

Day 90

earth so dry the rain
puddles up on the surface
lonely woman's smile

 

[Honey123]

a path that leads me
down below your hearts center
my breath stirs your fire

 

[butters]

earth so dry the rain
puddles up on the surface
lonely woman's smile

really nice juxtapositioning, nerk

i don't like the word 'up' in there, though. for me it's padding where you don't need any. it works better without. imo
makes me want to tinker and that's a bit rude of me, uninvited - oh hell, here's what i'm 'seeing' (please forgive my messing it about)

earth so dry
rain puddles on the/its surface
a lonely woman's smile


again, you've managed to imbue this with something that feels asian, or oriental