dirty haiku

[nerk]

Day 75

oak and maple leaves
in one pile - kiss me and leave
our clothes where they fell

Gee, Chipbutty, I wonder what got me thinking about leaves?

 

[butters]

First off, I really liked it as written first time out, so any suggestions I offer are just ideas I'm kicking out. In general, I think these sorts of poems try to avoid simile, but in this case, I think it wants it. I tried to rework it minus the like, but it doesn't work as well. It felt over-poetic, too conscientiously avoiding the obvious.
Yes, that's my feeling here too

some poems
need no leaves
winter trees

In any order, these three lines as they are (minus the like) strike me as taking the minimalism-at-all-costs aesthetic to a bad place. IMHO, the "like" likes being in the poem, and the poem likes it.
yes, that's what was giving me trouble. it fit - without it, too bare


I think the thing that these poems want is immediacy and specificity.

these poems
like winter trees
need no leaves

or maybe even

like a winter tree
this poem
needs no leaves
digging this last one. lots!

personally, I think it'd be fun to do a group renga thread in the traditional way, without mucking around with syllables: just a short 3 line poem, followed by another poet's 2 line addition, followed by another related 3 liner, etc, etc.
and each time you write, you have to take a shot of sake.

i don't have the sake, but why not start a thread? it'd be fun

 

[butters]

oak and maple leaves
in one pile - kiss me and leave
our clothes where they fell

Gee, Chipbutty, I wonder what got me thinking about leaves?

nicely done - the contrast of the different leaves (shape, colour, texture etc...) is echoed by the clothing; the two images of a pile of leaves/a pile of clothing = very lots lots bigger on the inside, this one. a tardis poem.

we take our inspiration where we find it. finders keepers

 

[nerk]

i don't have the sake, but why not start a thread? it'd be fun

we'll let you get away with almost any sort of booze. or even tea. as long as you make a face like it's got a kick like a mule when you drink it.

I think my fave is

this poem
like winter trees
needs no leaves

but I'm not sure about comparing one thing to many. surely there's some rule against that.

 

[butters]

rules - shmules

 

[nerk]

nicely done - the contrast of the different leaves (shape, colour, texture etc...) is echoed by the clothing; the two images of a pile of leaves/a pile of clothing = very lots lots bigger on the inside, this one. a tardis poem.

we take our inspiration where we find it. finders keepers

thank you ... i had to look up tardis to figure out what you meant.
for a sec, i thought you meant 'tarded, which my poetry can be.

 

[nerk]

Day 76

ocean's mighty waves
roar - they will never find the
the spring you showed me

 

[nerk]

Day 77

at night, tight petals
open wide, a bell - spinning
her long white skirt blooms

 

[nerk]

Day 78

tall grass whispers secrets
waiting for her lover
tied to the willow

 

[butters]

better and better, nerk. the more subtle approach works wonders, imo - more erotic, more sensual.

 

[nerk]

better and better, nerk. the more subtle approach works wonders, imo - more erotic, more sensual.

thank you Chip, i'm starting to get the hang of it

the first month or two I was just warming up

 

[nerk]

Day 79

litters of kittens
piled under someday lovers
weight of warm bodies

 

[nerk]

Day 80

the harsh sun crushes
weary bodies - come lay down
with me in the shade

 

[Honey123]

Hi nerk!



I've missed reading your thread...

I want you to know that I love reading this thread..



it "grounds" me.

 

[nerk]

Hi nerk!



I've missed reading your thread...

I want you to know that I love reading this thread..



it "grounds" me.

well where ya been?

and thank you for the support.
I have to say I'm surprised by my perseverence.

 

[nerk]

Day 81

eyes closed, letting my
tongue discover all of this
pear's quiet flavors

 

[butters]

deliciously ripe!

 

[nerk]

Day 82

trees groan in the wind
outside, - in the bar, I boast
to a pretty girl

 

[drown]

in time,
forced torrents...
supercede the organic.

allow natures voice

 

[TomsPen]

time ties you oh sweet,
to dreams so long forgotten-
but I will grow old

 

[nerk]

Nice one Tom!
and also Drown ... always good

 

[nerk]

Day 83

thin light, I shiver
and look for socks, she pulls me
back in her warm bed

 

[Rayven101]

in time,
forced torrents...
supercede the organic.

allow natures voice

Oh I like this one!

 

[Rayven101]

tall grass whispers secrets
waiting for her lover
tied to the willow

I keep going back to this one....beautiful images.

 

[Honey123]

OH to see your face
buried deep in my petals
flowering for you..



*hmm.. yeah. not good.