dirty haiku

[Obsequium]

No worries...

No offense taken, new to this type of poem structure. Your take reads a little smoother, leaving the reader to fill the imagery. Just have not made it pass the 4/7/4 beat yet. But I'm learning. Chippy, Thanks for your guidance and feel free to comment anytime, it will only help to improve my endeavors.

Obsequium

*snerk worthy*


like the idea behind this, O - perhaps you could retain all it says without so many syllables, retaining the organic nature of the imagery but maybe losing the music allusions? entirely up to you, m'dear - all i has are suggestions.

like:

soft pink bud
a gardener's fingers
a glorious rose blooms

 

[nerk]

Day 129

rain drumming on roof
fingers parting perfect lips
nothing else matters

 

[nerk]

Day 130

pretending to sleep
as she dresses, thinking the
worst, weak wintry sun

 

[nerk]

Can't sleep, still a little zone disoriented. So, I try to look over my meeting notes. Nothings getting through without sleep. I need to calm my mind and just relax...

Soft pink hooded bud,
Gardeners fingers strumming notes the body plays,
Glorious rose left bloomed.

*yawn*
Goodnight, Obsequium

like the idea behind this, O - perhaps you could retain all it says without so many syllables, retaining the organic nature of the imagery but maybe losing the music allusions? entirely up to you, m'dear - all i has are suggestions.

like:

soft pink bud
a gardener's fingers
a glorious rose blooms

I was going to disagree with Chip, but experience has taught me that's never a good idea. Plus she's quite right, the revision she suggests is much more focused and elegant.

I did like the fingers strumming, so I will suggest a second poem, starting with the words Chip left behind. For some reason, doing that has fascinated me lately. I blame Tzara.

hooded right strumming
notes the body plays, left
fingers press the neck

 

[butters]

I was going to disagree with Chip, but experience has taught me that's never a good idea. Plus she's quite right, the revision she suggests is much more focused and elegant.

I did like the fingers strumming, so I will suggest a second poem, starting with the words Chip left behind. For some reason, doing that has fascinated me lately. I blame Tzara.

hooded right strumming
notes the body plays, left
fingers press the neck

you make me sound a meanie. i iz nice, init?



all i suggested was a shorter, less cluttered styling - not necessarily those words in particular. they were the ones that, for me, were core to the write.

i'm liking what you've done with the trimmings, nerk!

 

[nerk]

you make me sound a meanie. i iz nice, init?



all i suggested was a shorter, less cluttered styling - not necessarily those words in particular. they were the ones that, for me, were core to the write.

i'm liking what you've done with the trimmings, nerk!

No! You're not a meanie. You're just usually right.
but I do like to make you sound scary. God only knows why.

As in this case, there was a poem about a flower with an image of a musician in the midst of it.
You took the flower poem and tightened it.
I took the musician image and ... fattened it?

 

[butters]

No! You're not a meanie. You're just usually right.
but I do like to make you sound scary. God only knows why.

As in this case, there was a poem about a flower with an image of a musician in the midst of it.
You took the flower poem and tightened it.
I took the musician image and ... fattened it?

fingered it plumper

 

[nerk]

fingered it plumper

you think i go 'round fingering people's poems?

 

[butters]

you think i go 'round fingering people's poems?

wellllllll... let's just say i'm not about to call you into a line-up. identity parades are so passé

 

[Obsequium]

strumming fingers

hooded right strumming
notes the body plays, left
fingers press the neck

I like what you did with the left overs, you let my music (fantasy) stroll out of garden...
With me he stretches his legs a couple times a week. No wonder he plays so well.

I am finding Chippy may not alway be right but she's never wrong.
I loved her take. It appealed to the geek in me. My math brain screams ...
Ockham's Razor; simple = better. Or. "Lex Parsimoniae"
And that is something that I can understand.
I even see the beauty of subtracting from the 4/7/4 count now.

Ockham step aside though for today's post and the E ¶-Theory took over, never could unravel it. Emotion (natural) ¶

Obsequium

Yes, that is truly how I see the world, in formulas and theory with equations breaking everything down to simplest form. *Shrug* Thats why I like sex, no math.
lol ...

 

[Obsequium]

Travel log

Travel Log... 07November10

Only two days left in Munich got almost everything accomplished I needed to. I start my Holiday, Tuesday as I leave for the South Rhine and family. Hated to see dinner end tonight old friend. The pub and the walk was a classic German close for my time here in Munich.

Air Crisp, Warm Stars,
Afterglow tucks me carefully under the sky,
Always Friends kiss goodby.


Obsequium

 

[vrosej10]

oops ... and my first example:


as low clouds rumble
glistening lips glide faster
and the first drops fall

Howdy. Two big problems with this as a haiku.

1. it's a run on sentence. Haiku should be a phrase and a fragment
2. it describes three images. There should only be to or risk being called a 'laundry list haiku'
   [/LISt
   
   Otherwise I like this. It qualifies as a pseudohaiku. As that it's a pretty good one.
   
   Haiku is a tough form. Good luck.

 

[nerk]

Howdy. Two big problems with this as a haiku.

1. it's a run on sentence. Haiku should be a phrase and a fragment
2. it describes three images. There should only be to or risk being called a 'laundry list haiku'
   [/LISt
   
   Otherwise I like this. It qualifies as a pseudohaiku. As that it's a pretty good one.
   
   Haiku is a tough form. Good luck.

1. 
   
   I have not yet heard the "phrase and a fragment" rule, but I will certainly add it to the list.
   
   
   
   
   
   As for laundry lists .. I did write a fair amount about lingerie, and probably will get back to it if I keep going. So that's always a risk.

 

[nerk]

hooded right strumming
notes the body plays, left
fingers press the neck

I like what you did with the left overs, you let my music (fantasy) stroll out of garden...
With me he stretches his legs a couple times a week. No wonder he plays so well.

I am finding Chippy may not alway be right but she's never wrong.
I loved her take. It appealed to the geek in me. My math brain screams ...
Ockham's Razor; simple = better. Or. "Lex Parsimoniae"
And that is something that I can understand.
I even see the beauty of subtracting from the 4/7/4 count now.

Ockham step aside though for today's post and the E ¶-Theory took over, never could unravel it. Emotion (natural) ¶

Obsequium

Yes, that is truly how I see the world, in formulas and theory with equations breaking everything down to simplest form. *Shrug* Thats why I like sex, no math.
lol ...

absolutes like right and wrong are as rare in life as poetry.
exceptions abound.
I always hated math in school, for not giving me the flexibility to horseshit my way through, but now I find it much more attractive. While remaining ignorant of anything beyond simple arithmetic and maybe a bit of algebra.

But I did invent a rumor that Isosceles invented his triangle as a way of talking his wife into a threesome?

 

[nerk]

Day 131

beach girls on postcards
lined up and fingered like the
usual suspects

 

[Obsequium]

absolutes like right and wrong are as rare in life as poetry.
exceptions abound.
I always hated math in school, for not giving me the flexibility to horseshit my way through, but now I find it much more attractive. While remaining ignorant of anything beyond simple arithmetic and maybe a bit of algebra.

But I did invent a rumor that Isosceles invented his triangle as a way of talking his wife into a threesome?

Nerk: "absolutes like right and wrong are as rare in life as poetry..."

Now you understand my handicap with my haiku's or any written missive. I have challenged myself to start reaching beyond numbers and symbols to sentences... Someday I hope to make it out of my cave and be able to communicate well in written form. Until then, I'll just keep practicing my technique. Gotta' go fires going out. Dinosaur stew anyone?

She sighs,
Rocks tumble down stream smoothing edges,
Words emerged...

Obsequium

Don't think I did not notice the "Isosceles Triangle"... LOL... Can I borrow it for a antidotal closing line to my geek friends... They'll love it!... Will give credit... LOL

 

[Obsequium]

Another pass through...

Still running my fingers through the threads... Oooooo, that's just rude *wiping hands, looking up*... Came back on an afterthought.

Thanks for the cultural exchange. This world of words and mine of symbols and numbers. If this keeps up, posting to these threads, I may reach détente.

Bright boxes,
Wind blows dust around my feet,
Mazed mouse plays.

Obsequium

"and the melody hummed blends words to the structured notes of the tune..."

 

[vrosej10]

I have not yet heard the "phrase and a fragment" rule, but I will certainly add it to the list.





As for laundry lists .. I did write a fair amount about lingerie, and probably will get back to it if I keep going. So that's always a risk.

absolutes like right and wrong are as rare in life as poetry.
exceptions abound.
I always hated math in school, for not giving me the flexibility to horseshit my way through, but now I find it much more attractive. While remaining ignorant of anything beyond simple arithmetic and maybe a bit of algebra.

But I did invent a rumor that Isosceles invented his triangle as a way of talking his wife into a threesome?

The rules are a pain. I actually think a lot of stuff that doesn't qualify as a haiku, works as an english language poem. If its any consolation, english language haijins ditched the 5-7-5 rule ages ago. Though they regard anything longer than 17 syllables not haiku, there is more flexibility in line arrangement and syllable counts. Some have abandoned it in favour of counting beats.

It has taken me years to absorb enough of the rules and flavour of haiku to get it right even some of the time. The hardest part for an english peaking poet is the inability of the form to accomodate metaphor and plays of language. You've really got to get in touch with the 'thinginess' of a moment to get it right. Haiku is HARD.

 

[nerk]

The rules are a pain. I actually think a lot of stuff that doesn't qualify as a haiku, works as an english language poem. If its any consolation, english language haijins ditched the 5-7-5 rule ages ago. Though they regard anything longer than 17 syllables not haiku, there is more flexibility in line arrangement and syllable counts. Some have abandoned it in favour of counting beats.

It has taken me years to absorb enough of the rules and flavour of haiku to get it right even some of the time. The hardest part for an english peaking poet is the inability of the form to accomodate metaphor and plays of language. You've really got to get in touch with the 'thinginess' of a moment to get it right. Haiku is HARD.

No consolation necessary, I understand that writing a legal haiku that will satisfy scholars is far beyond my ability. I mean, I barely even understand what an on is. I use a 17 syllable form out of my own weird little OCDness, and if my use of the word haiku causes anyone pain, I will do my best to ease their suffering.

 

[vrosej10]

No consolation necessary, I understand that writing a legal haiku that will satisfy scholars is far beyond my ability. I mean, I barely even understand what an on is. I use a 17 syllable form out of my own weird little OCDness, and if my use of the word haiku causes anyone pain, I will do my best to ease their suffering.

Tis cool. Form can be a comfort. Writing a legal haiku is only occassionally within my grasp; I am just up on theory. There are some who stick to the 17 syllable form and frankly I think it is more about the spirit of the thing than the rules. You mentioned that you had not heard the phrase and fragment rule; there is another that is really helpful in creating good haiku (should appeal to your OCDness. my aspiness seems to enjoy it); compare, contrast or associate the two image in you poem. The japanese do you metaphor in haiku, they just deliver it differently to in the west. The elements are presented for the person to figure for themselves. Example:

smears of pink lipstick—
through soaked panties
vulvas touch
​

(this is one of mine and the first half of a tanka. Its a sound haiku though).

 

[nerk]

Tis cool. Form can be a comfort. Writing a legal haiku is only occassionally within my grasp; I am just up on theory. There are some who stick to the 17 syllable form and frankly I think it is more about the spirit of the thing than the rules. You mentioned that you had not heard the phrase and fragment rule; there is another that is really helpful in creating good haiku (should appeal to your OCDness. my aspiness seems to enjoy it); compare, contrast or associate the two image in you poem. The japanese do you metaphor in haiku, they just deliver it differently to in the west. The elements are presented for the person to figure for themselves. Example:

smears of pink lipstick—
through soaked panties
vulvas touch
​

(this is one of mine and the first half of a tanka. Its a sound haiku though).

very subtle, this
i'm a bear of little brain,
try to bear with me.
is the vulva the kigo
or am I missing something?

 

[nerk]

Day 132

under orange oak
contemplating fall, a wise
man hit by acorns

 

[vrosej10]

very subtle, this
i'm a bear of little brain,
try to bear with me.
is the vulva the kigo
or am I missing something?

No kigo in this one. There was a conference sometime ago in Japan that ruled that English language haiku do not need a kigo. The decision was based on the impossibility of translating Japanese kigo into western terms and in finding a relationship between the things signified by the kigo in english idiom. I often use a kigo but not always. It's an artistic call.

 

[Obsequium]

Travel log

Travel Log... 09November10

I'm sitting on the tram, left Munich headed for South Rhine, it's so beautiful out the window, all tucked away. *sigh* last night, I had just finished packing, made sure everything else is headed back to the States. I was looking out the window thinking how much I like this area... "My Yesterdays Friend", Hello...

Past winds blow,
Yesterdays river floods the banks,
Now, seagulls cry


Obsequium

 

[nerk]

Day 133

suede elbow patches
on herringbone tweed, mothballs
roll across the floor