Femdoms please explain

[NCShin]

thanks for the replies everyone. I am still here and still reading.

I did post in that other thread when it was first posted. Guess I forgot about it and when I saw the topic later decided I didn't want to read it. (forgeting what it was about)

In any case, I will reply to some of your posts in more detail, but I can't right now. After work I will sit down and go through them in more detail.

 

[Netzach]

What the PM has to do with the post, is that you asked me a normal conversational thing and I answered it like a normal person.

That's what the mysterious and elusive femdom beast is all about.

Having relationships with compatible people, doing business, eating cheerios and putting her socks on one at a time.

That was my point.

 

[Netzach]

As to being butch, it can be either, it's usually A.

Butch women are usually butch because it feels good and right and natural to them.

Sometimes people play around. If a sub can be a pony, why can't I strap one on put on a uniform and be butch for an evening?

Where are the hard line divisions between butch and femme anyhow? Most women I know are capable of either, really.

And a lot of butches are subs.

 

[Netzach]

I don't know if that post is trying to be invalidating, but I think that's a reasonable response to seeing every single negative stereotype about who I am and what I do plastered up and being called out to defend myself. Yet again.

I'm getting tired of having to do that, I think this is going to be my last go round. Add it to the libe, because I'm really done explaining why I exist. I do. When maledoms have to do songs and dances to deflect the notion that they are womanhating pussyboys I might come out for another round. I don't see it.

That I've bothered to respond at all is because I don't think you were trying to invalidate me or piss me off.

If I thought you'd had no intention of actually listening and being educated, possibly...I would not have wasted my breath.

An act that's getting a little tiresome, since, as PS brought up, we just visited this topic about a week ago.

For the record:

I am a woman who practises responsible SM with submissive and bottom men and women. If that's not enough explantation, I'm afraid I can't help you.

 

[Limbhugger]

Without going into the rest of this post, I found myself disagreeing with this part in particular. Sure, being dominant means one is inclined toward dominance---that's pretty obvious. But I'm inclined toward submission and I still have to put myself in the right mental space a lot of the time. Sometimes I'm cranky, tired, what have you, and I don't feel like submitting--at which point I do have to consciously flip that switch. Why should it be any different for someone wired to dominance? They aren't gods.*



*Except for FungiUg, who is Shiva, Lord of Destruction.

You're right, I agree. I was in a hurry and did a less than perfect job explaining myself. I was just trying to dispell some idea that a "femdom" had to get into costume to assume the character. Meaning it isn't a game or an act but what they are and they needn't be in thigh high leather boots to express their domination.

Although I do think (read assume) that for us, getting into the headspace can be more of a chore than for a dominant.

 

[MissTaken]

Femdoms all over lit are bracing for another flame fest, I can feel it. But, I just want real info from the real people who are Femdoms in Real Life.

Maybe (probably) I have a total misconception of what it is to be a Female Dominant. I have little to no experience with them. (I'm not submissive, so I likely never will first hand)

All I know of the term femdom is what I've seen on the internet, seen or heard in chatrooms or message boards.

*snip*.

I have mulled over this post and this thread as it has blossomed into the discussion it has.

To respond to your initial post, I would suggest that as we are all here, seeking a place of tolerance and open mindedness. I would think that basing any opinion on porn or chat room type behavior is very misleading, in terms of understanding any possible role or relationship.

Porn pics are published to entice the fantasies of the viewer. Not too many would fantasize about a sweet, kind gal in her sweat pants and sweat shirt topping her very virile and masculine submissive. How sexy is that to the casual onlooker? (It may be damned sexy to the real life participants, though.)

Jerk off material is many times very different from reality.

Just my two cents.

As for the rest of the thread, I wouldn't mind being brought up to speed in terms of who is posting tongue in cheek and who is posting real opinions. It appears to be a melting pot of both.

 

[MissTaken]

I don't know if that post is trying to be invalidating, but I think that's a reasonable response to seeing every single negative stereotype about who I am and what I do plastered up and being called out to defend myself. Yet again.

I'm getting tired of having to do that, I think this is going to be my last go round. Add it to the libe, because I'm really done explaining why I exist. I do. When maledoms have to do songs and dances to deflect the notion that they are womanhating pussyboys I might come out for another round. I don't see it.

That I've bothered to respond at all is because I don't think you were trying to invalidate me or piss me off.

If I thought you'd had no intention of actually listening and being educated, possibly...I would not have wasted my breath.

An act that's getting a little tiresome, since, as PS brought up, we just visited this topic about a week ago.

For the record:

I am a woman who practises responsible SM with submissive and bottom men and women. If that's not enough explantation, I'm afraid I can't help you.

I am sorry you feel this way.
I would like to think that on a forum where we all have to battle stereotypes and stigma from time to time, and where we all hope to engage with tolerant and open minded people, accepting of differences, that you or anyone else would not feel a need to defend who you are or what you do.

We are all individuals, regardless of labels.
We should all be accepted as such.

And for the record, Netzach, I find you to be an incredibly articulate and intelligent person and would love to have a drink with you some day.

 

[NCShin]

Well, I wasn't able to get on the boards long enough last night to make a good reply.

I have a few minutes this morning so I'll do a half assed job now.

First, thanks to Phoenix Stone for bringing my attention to that other thread. Had I read that I'd likely not have started this one as many of the things I was looking for were posted in that thread.

To anyone here who thought that just because i didn't comment on, or didn't copy your post into a reply. That does not mean that I didn't read your post. I've read every reply in this thread. Most I've read more than once.

Someone said they thought that my experience was limited to online due to something I said in a post. Just to clear that up, I have little or no online experience. I think i've been somewhat dominant in the bedroom my entire sexual life. It has mostly been limited to kinky sex for the most part, but with my current long distance relationship it has finally gotten past that and to a more intense level of D/s.

We are very far away. We do chat online since we'd both go broke talking on the phone. She is in Japan, I am in central North Carolina. "Playing" online with her has no appeal to me. We talk in a very vanilla fasion about our everyday lives. When she is here we are experimenting with different aspects of BDSM. Right now Shibari is our favorite aspect.

I knew that the ideas about Dommes that I had were wrong, yet I had those opinions. I had them due to lack of information and posted this to get better information for myself. I did not have the intent to invalidate anyone. I knew someplace in my thick head that F/m relationships were the same as M/f ones, but reading it helps it to sink into my brain better. Hope you can understand where I am/was coming from.

edited to add:

I gotta get ready for work, so excuse the fact that I didn't have the time to edit this for spelling, I know it's pretty bad

 

[Quint]

You're right, I agree. I was in a hurry and did a less than perfect job explaining myself. I was just trying to dispell some idea that a "femdom" had to get into costume to assume the character. Meaning it isn't a game or an act but what they are and they needn't be in thigh high leather boots to express their domination.

Although I do think (read assume) that for us, getting into the headspace can be more of a chore than for a dominant.

Agreed on all counts. But I'll ask T about the last issue when he comes home, because I'm genuinely interested. It reminds me of the "who has it easier, boys or girls?" dilemma, and there was never a conclusive answer to that one.

Thank you for clarifying; I'd read enough of you to know that you probably didn't really mean your first post to sound like it did.

And Flogging Molly kicks ass!

 

[Quint]

Re: Re: Femdoms please explain

Porn pics are published to entice the fantasies of the viewer. Not too many would fantasize about a sweet, kind gal in her sweat pants and sweat shirt topping her very virile and masculine submissive. How sexy is that to the casual onlooker? (It may be damned sexy to the real life participants, though.)

This is what I've been thinking these past days without coming up with any words for it. Thank you for articulating it.

Just like this isn't an accurate representation of your average submissive, your description of an online ProDomme is not going to be an accurate description of your average dominant female. They aren't all going to be of the variety that start a website in order to make money off of male submissives and thus EXHIBIT the personality (and wardrobe) that such a position require. I have to say that I don't understand that group of ProDommes very well, and to that degree I really do share several of the same questions raised in the initial post. I'd like to know what degree of enjoyment they derive from their costumed and highly ritualized behavior, or if it really is just because that's what their customers want. Who's in charge, in other words? I hope that this doesn't offend anyone. Ack.

 

[Netzach]

I'm generally Top/Dom in orientation, yeah.

...but first and foremost I am a perverted freakazoid and I love shiny anything, and I like to make tender flesh ache. I am a player in love with the game, a sailor in love with the sea. I don't feel controlled by the fantasies of those who enjoy how I construct and present myself, rather I feel open to experimentation and exploration, and I feel like playing in ways I might never have chosen to play in...purely on my own, has made me more versatile, more expert, and more adept.

Being into control and power, I enjoy the challenges and chance to stretch and refine myself, test myself. I strive to be excellent at the things I undertake. There's great, great pleasure for me in that.

Not that I have an OL smut empire yet, but it's something to strive for. And the professionals who are serious enough to have really good images and really esoteric situations to record, tend to be overacheivers too.

 

[SweetDommes]

Femdoms all over lit are bracing for another flame fest, I can feel it. But, I just want real info from the real people who are Femdoms in Real Life.

Maybe (probably) I have a total misconception of what it is to be a Female Dominant. I have little to no experience with them. (I'm not submissive, so I likely never will first hand)

All I know of the term femdom is what I've seen on the internet, seen or heard in chatrooms or message boards.

Here is what I think of when I think of a Female Dominant.

1) Brutal -- I've seen many pictures of high healed women standing (at least sort of) on genitalia belonging to submissive masochistic men.

2) Man-haters -- I'm not sure why I have this opinion. Maybe it's because of the above example, my thinking that you have to hate men to have any desire AT ALL to stand on their cock 'n balls.

3) Butch -- This is just from internet porn I guess. If I've ever seen a petite woman in a Femdom position I can't remember. Most are, at least tall, but from what I can remember in photos they are usually also fairly husky.

4) Bitchy -- Yeah, I said it. I'm sorry. I'm sure they aren't all bitchy. Maybe it's because they constantly have to defend themselves from opinions like mine. I think it is also just how I view them in stories. Maybe it's because I'm not submissive.

5) Overbearing -- Again, from pictures. This one is really hard to explain as to why I feel that way. Maybe it's the way that they assert themselves over their submissive. Maybe it's what they, and the submissive likes. Again, hard to explain, maybe you one of you will be able to decipher this


Again i am NOT trying to start a flame war here. I am just trying to be open and understand. I'm looking for maybe some facts of how it really is when it's not porn.

I haven't read all of the replies that you have gotten yet, but I can tell that pretty much all you have experienced is stereotypical porno ... stuff ... that is nothing like most of the female dominants that I know (including us). Some scenes put us in situations where we are any or all of the above, but in general, we are not any more brutal, gender-hating, or overbearing than male dominants.