Just curious about how many married women turned sub during or after affair?

[Islander55]

I think that a lot of women/wives/moms end up managing everything at home. Not just doing most of the labor involved in running the household, but being the default project manager for every fucking thing. Parenting kids, parenting a manbaby husband, keeping track of everyone and everything for everyone. Add in a demanding job, and you end up never ever getting to turn off and just…. Be.

So an affair partner who makes decisions, takes charge, and lets you just exist and feel safe and cared for is pretty intoxicating. Being able to turn my brain off and just obey allowed me to let go enough for some rocking orgasms.


**Disclaimer**

I’m good. Don’t creep into my inbox offering to ‘dominate’ me. I don’t submit to random dumbasses.

Some very good points.

 

[doctorukwife]

I think that a lot of women/wives/moms end up managing everything at home. Not just doing most of the labor involved in running the household, but being the default project manager for every fucking thing. Parenting kids, parenting a manbaby husband, keeping track of everyone and everything for everyone. Add in a demanding job, and you end up never ever getting to turn off and just…. Be.

So an affair partner who makes decisions, takes charge, and lets you just exist and feel safe and cared for is pretty intoxicating. Being able to turn my brain off and just obey allowed me to let go enough for some rocking orgasms.


**Disclaimer**

I’m good. Don’t creep into my inbox offering to ‘dominate’ me. I don’t submit to random dumbasses.

You put it very succinctly. I totally agree that this becomes a way to switch off from everything. My husband is understanding but sometimes his emotional understanding and overtly care for me becomes a turn off, a reminder that he is trying to 'protect' me. Sometimes after a hectic day at work, you do not want to hear same tape of 'honey, how was your day.', I would rather have someone take command of me and help me escape from my professional side for a bit. I know I sound hypocrite as when I was single, I would loved the korean dramas of lovey dovey couples. Real life is much complicated.
Parenting a manbaby husband is a relatable thing for many working women. Husbands are idiots and do not have common sense for many things. I am sure, the guy I am having affair with, his wife would be having same complaints about him. It's just I do not have to deal with 'parenting', 'protecting' him, unlike I do with my husband.
It's very interesting. Less you know a person, more easy it is to just be yourself. More you know about a person, it becomes complicated I think, attachments are not road to switching off your brain.

 

[doctorukwife]

So… I have to disagree with both parts of this. I firmly believe that a freely chosen romantic bond between two people should prevail over one-sided attachments like culture, religion, etc. A culture cannot love you back, it just takes and demands obedience. If culture is inhibiting free communication between husband and wife, then culture needs to take a back seat ASAP.

I also think that it is critically important to tell my partner what I want and how I want it. Because it’s not really fair for them to guess at what I like and don’t like. If someone wants to makes me a delicious meal, and they’re still trying to learn how to cook, I don’t think it’s fair to say “figure it out and then make me a five course dinner.” Everyone starts from a place of inexperience and, if given the chance, get better with practice. Good spontaneity does not come like magic, but from years of experience.

It's serendipity that Katie's response below even though not directed at this comment kind of answers some aspect of points you are raising.
As you said, it requires hard work. And someone who is working full time and work doesn't stop even when you are not working when you are in medical profession. It really becomes question of do you really have time and energy to communicate these egodystonic things to your husband, who may take it wrongly. Do I really have emotional energy to do this hard work, or would I prefer just switching it off when I am with my Dom as Katie has put beautifully.

Recently saw this series called 'Sex Life' on netflix, many of that this just sloppy writing but one thing did come out prominently where husband says 'I wish I had not known about this'. I know my husband is in ignorant happy place and when I meant by culture is by mindset, I know he will be disturbed knowing how I have been submissive to other man. Do I really want to do this experiment of truth with someone I love? All these movies and novels make so much hype about 'telling truth' but what we do not understand is our lifespan and that too sexual lifespan of woman is limited. Do I really want to mess up my marriage and start from scratch by telling him about something which I know he will have hard time changing.
Also I would like to hear from Man's perspective, if your behavior is not that of dom, and if your wife tells you she likes dom. How much energy and effort you will put into it? Will it not disturb your work? Will you not feel being compared with male alpha and beta stereotypes.
I know my husband is in good place in his carrier and emotionally. He thinks I am the best person in the world who will NEVER cheat on him. So much so he laughs at some cheating movie scenes. Why will I want to make him a fool.
I understand many of you are brought up in Western Cultures where divorce, sex all these things are normalized, personal happiness is centerstage. But in many asian cultures including Indian, happiness is not a primary goal for social life, it's more about being loyal, honest, being there. I think that provides better stability to children who are brought up in such families than in broken homes.
I think I will take seemingly happy home based on lies than broken home based on truth.

 

[doctorukwife]

Yes, you would hope so. But it can be very hard for some people to let go of what culture or religion taught them. Some things are extremely ingrained, and often that starts very early. If you are taught something is 'wrong' your whole life, undoing that is not easy. Then there's the whole 'tribe' mentality, where you conform for the good of others in your group.

I agree that it needs to take a back seat, but often that is WAY easier said than done.

I totally agree. I do feel many people here do not feel how much indoctrinating cultural influence can be. Would love to hear about you cultural background. If you are not comfortable sharing here, feel free to dm me.

 

[doctorukwife]

I agree with you, about the difficulty. However, I think that’s part of what it means to be a fully actualized man or woman. Eventually, we must free ourselves from out past and judge our beliefs on their own merits, instead of just what culture, tradition, and history demand. Otherwise, we’re never fully human, just cattle that can talk.

It's funny how eastern culture feels similar about western culture about 'zombies craving for only materialistic happiness'. You just proved the point that people are biased and it's hard to see others point of view.

 

[doctorukwife]

My wife and I figured out our expression of D/s in the early 2000's, and that was mind expanding at the time. Both of us have regular online experiences and this has proven to be a teacher as well. I don't really feel these extramarital experiences have made my wife more submissive nor me more dominant. I do, however, feel these extramarital experiences brought to light what was already there. Practicing BDSM is an exercise in "know thyself"

Aren't you guys lucky. You know Carl Jung would have been very happy with this response

 

[MichelleSwan]

Dear All,
I am curious about extra-marital affair and it's correlation with bringing out submissive side of woman. Recently I came across one more 'wife' who had similar kind of experience like me about being turned sub during extra-marital affair. And we both are not sub to our husbands. And we both are quite accomplished professionally.
I felt It is an interesting dynamic.
P.s. please comment about your profession too.

With love,
DocUkWife

My husband a brilliant man is, yes, a marshmallow. I have had to play hardball for him professionally with his clients, as he skirts the practice trying to find more delicate solutions. The same held true on the home front raising children and dealing with life. I've always had to take the dominant role in almost every aspect of our relationship and professional life.
So yes in extra-marital affairs I do prefer to take the submissive role seeking dominant lovers

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I think that a lot of women/wives/moms end up managing everything at home. Not just doing most of the labor involved in running the household, but being the default project manager for every fucking thing. Parenting kids, parenting a manbaby husband, keeping track of everyone and everything for everyone. Add in a demanding job, and you end up never ever getting to turn off and just…. Be.

So an affair partner who makes decisions, takes charge, and lets you just exist and feel safe and cared for is pretty intoxicating. Being able to turn my brain off and just obey allowed me to let go enough for some rocking orgasms.


**Disclaimer**

I’m good. Don’t creep into my inbox offering to ‘dominate’ me. I don’t submit to random dumbasses.

I know this is true for my life..(or it was)..
I was the bread winner, the grocery shopper, the planner... I wished he was more dominant..
Now that I'm older, my responsibilities are much lighter, (and I'm a single widow..)
I go after what it is I desire and need..
I need to be... I love being a sub.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Also I would like to hear from Man's perspective, if your behavior is not that of dom, and if your wife tells you she likes dom. How much energy and effort you will put into it? Will it not disturb your work? Will you not feel being compared with male alpha and beta stereotypes.
I know my husband is in good place in his carrier and emotionally. He thinks I am the best person in the world who will NEVER cheat on him. So much so he laughs at some cheating movie scenes. Why will I want to make him a fool.
I understand many of you are brought up in Western Cultures where divorce, sex all these things are normalized, personal happiness is centerstage. But in many asian cultures including Indian, happiness is not a primary goal for social life, it's more about being loyal, honest, being there. I think that provides better stability to children who are brought up in such families than in broken homes.
I think I will take seemingly happy home based on lies than broken home based on truth.

Well, I would 100% put in effort to dom her. I would absolutely want to know what my wife wants and how to please her. I have been a dom to ex-girlfriends before (while they were still girlfriends) because I like being happy with them. It did not bring me sexual pleasure the way it would with a natural dom, but I was happy to make them happy. As for the career part… There is no reality in which my career satisfaction would take higher priority than my marriage satisfaction. I would sooner quit my job than be a half-husband.

As for your desire to not make a fool of your husband… well… I think that is fait accomplit. As the physicists say, the waveform has collapsed on that one. Whether he should know this or not is definitely a matter of personal judgment though, especially if you have kid(s).

But another matter… the way you speak about your husband, it seems that you have already decided “this is best for us.” Is it possible that you are not giving him enough credit in being able decide what is best for him?

It's funny how eastern culture feels similar about western culture about 'zombies craving for only materialistic happiness'. You just proved the point that people are biased and it's hard to see others point of view.

I am biased, but as a person, I think we are all biased.

I am not Indian, but I am quite experienced with an East-ier Asian culture that has an equal if not even greater emphasis on social harmony. And so it is with the weight of that familiarity that I can say that it’s all just BULLSHIT. Real social harmony is based on satisfaction of material needs, mutual interest, and a respect one another. Culturally enforced harmony is just a cover that makes truth the greatest sin. People still beat their wives, get addicted, abuse their children… but all is forgiven so long as no one confirms it. I think you know this already, so why feed and strengthen this system? You know how satisfying it can be to have the freedom to be yourself. Yet at some point, maybe not today, but at some point, you’ll have to stop because of “culture” and honesty have become enemies. What is so great about this culture?

 

[Islander55]

I had a conversation recently with an older man whose wife passed about 5 years ago. They had been in the lifestyle for many years. While they tried a number of activities such as swapping, sharing and even sex clubs, his wife never seemed quite satisfied. Eventually she figured out she was a sub and craved the attention of a true Dom. Husband tried to fill that void but he could never really get into it. Eventually he went out and found a Dom for her which seemed to do the trick. The husband was always present in the early stages with a Dom but eventually the wife would not want him there. She wanted to do her thing without having to worry about what he was experiencing or thinking. I suspect that this is not an unusual thing. A sub does not realize that they are a sub and gets married and never quite figures out why they are never satisfied.

 

[Luv2bnaked4u]

I had a conversation recently with an older man whose wife passed about 5 years ago. They had been in the lifestyle for many years. While they tried a number of activities such as swapping, sharing and even sex clubs, his wife never seemed quite satisfied. Eventually she figured out she was a sub and craved the attention of a true Dom. Husband tried to fill that void but he could never really get into it. Eventually he went out and found a Dom for her which seemed to do the trick. The husband was always present in the early stages with a Dom but eventually the wife would not want him there. She wanted to do her thing without having to worry about what he was experiencing or thinking. I suspect that this is not an unusual thing. A sub does not realize that they are a sub and gets married and never quite figures out why they are never satisfied.

I totally agree, I went for years trying to understand my odd feelings. I kept them to myself and just thought that I was weird
As I learned more about this, I came to the realization that what I was reading was ME!
Guess I’m a slow learner
A

 

[Islander55]

I totally agree, I went for years trying to understand my odd feelings. I kept them to myself and just thought that I was weird
As I learned more about this, I came to the realization that what I was reading was ME!
Guess I’m a slow learner
A

I suspect that is true for many. You just have no idea about many of these things when you are young and there are no good sources of information unless you stumble across them. Have you gotten things pretty well figured out now?

 

[Sweetdreams71]

I had a conversation recently with an older man whose wife passed about 5 years ago. They had been in the lifestyle for many years. While they tried a number of activities such as swapping, sharing and even sex clubs, his wife never seemed quite satisfied. Eventually she figured out she was a sub and craved the attention of a true Dom. Husband tried to fill that void but he could never really get into it. Eventually he went out and found a Dom for her which seemed to do the trick. The husband was always present in the early stages with a Dom but eventually the wife would not want him there. She wanted to do her thing without having to worry about what he was experiencing or thinking. I suspect that this is not an unusual thing. A sub does not realize that they are a sub and gets married and never quite figures out why they are never satisfied.

I think the biggest fears of women of not wanting their SO there, they fear SO judging them and fear hurting them. Even if SO is completely open and happy for them, I do believe that still weighs on women's minds even as time passes I am sure it's there a little bit.

 

[Islander55]

I think the biggest fears of women of not wanting their SO there, they fear SO judging them and fear hurting them. Even if SO is completely open and happy for them, I do believe that still weighs on women's minds even as time passes I am sure it's there a little bit.

I agree. I think they also may be ashamed at what they really need.

 

[Luv2bnaked4u]

I suspect that is true for many. You just have no idea about many of these things when you are young and there are no good sources of information unless you stumble across them. Have you gotten things pretty well figured out now?

Yes, I have figured things out and what a relief
Now that I better understand who I am, I can accept all those repressed emotions.

 

[Islander55]

Yes, I have figured things out and what a relief
Now that I better understand who I am, I can accept all those repressed emotions.

Good. That makes life easier and probably more fun.

 

[Yarglenurp]

This has been such an educational thread. I’m hoping it is never even mildly applicable to my own relationship with my partner.

 

[DoctorC]

Aren't you guys lucky. You know Carl Jung would have been very happy with this response

I certainly feel blessed.

Points for mentioning Jung! I had shadow work in my head when I responded.

 

[doctorukwife]

I had a conversation recently with an older man whose wife passed about 5 years ago. They had been in the lifestyle for many years. While they tried a number of activities such as swapping, sharing and even sex clubs, his wife never seemed quite satisfied. Eventually she figured out she was a sub and craved the attention of a true Dom. Husband tried to fill that void but he could never really get into it. Eventually he went out and found a Dom for her which seemed to do the trick. The husband was always present in the early stages with a Dom but eventually the wife would not want him there. She wanted to do her thing without having to worry about what he was experiencing or thinking. I suspect that this is not an unusual thing. A sub does not realize that they are a sub and gets married and never quite figures out why they are never satisfied.

'Husband tried to fill that void...."
Thanks for sharing this. This kind of rein-enforces why I do not want to talk with my husband. I am now realizing maybe my worse fear is not he will not accept this. But that 'he will' and he will actively try to either change himself to be dom, a task in which he had tried before and failed. Or he will change himself into a cuck.
Most men writing here are doms, I think I will need to start thread about hypothesis that 'Does wife's affair change a man into a cuck?"
I guess that's my worse fear. Because like women in your story, I will not like my husband to know what I am upto. Or what is being done to me. Not only he will feel 'it's not safe' in terms of hardcore, but he will also feel emasculated.
I know he is not alpha man type, but he is still confident at work, still a stable person. Very career oriented. Even though we both earn, he insists on he paying for most of the bills and I save for my parents etc.
Last thing I want that he allocating his mental energy to his wife's exploits.
It's a lose -lose situation.

 

[Roughscrewu]

'Husband tried to fill that void...."
Thanks for sharing this. This kind of rein-enforces why I do not want to talk with my husband. I am now realizing maybe my worse fear is not he will not accept this. But that 'he will' and he will actively try to either change himself to be dom, a task in which he had tried before and failed. Or he will change himself into a cuck.
Most men writing here are doms, I think I will need to start thread about hypothesis that 'Does wife's affair change a man into a cuck?"
I guess that's my worse fear. Because like women in your story, I will not like my husband to know what I am upto. Or what is being done to me. Not only he will feel 'it's not safe' in terms of hardcore, but he will also feel emasculated.
I know he is not alpha man type, but he is still confident at work, still a stable person. Very career oriented. Even though we both earn, he insists on he paying for most of the bills and I save for my parents etc.
Last thing I want that he allocating his mental energy to his wife's exploits.
It's a lose -lose situation.

Carry on !

 

[Islander55]

'Husband tried to fill that void...."
Thanks for sharing this. This kind of rein-enforces why I do not want to talk with my husband. I am now realizing maybe my worse fear is not he will not accept this. But that 'he will' and he will actively try to either change himself to be dom, a task in which he had tried before and failed. Or he will change himself into a cuck.
Most men writing here are doms, I think I will need to start thread about hypothesis that 'Does wife's affair change a man into a cuck?"
I guess that's my worse fear. Because like women in your story, I will not like my husband to know what I am upto. Or what is being done to me. Not only he will feel 'it's not safe' in terms of hardcore, but he will also feel emasculated.
I know he is not alpha man type, but he is still confident at work, still a stable person. Very career oriented. Even though we both earn, he insists on he paying for most of the bills and I save for my parents etc.
Last thing I want that he allocating his mental energy to his wife's exploits.
It's a lose -lose situation.

Certainly you know your husband much better than I do. I must say it is a lot easier if the husband knows what is going on and can actually be beneficial to the couple. In my case hubby has embraced my sexual needs and made that part of who we are as a couple. In the other couples case, it was not so much that she was afraid he would be upset as it was that she did not feel that she could fully let go with him watching her. I can understand her thoughts but it also hurt her husband to be excluded from part of her desires.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Certainly you know your husband much better than I do. I must say it is a lot easier if the husband knows what is going on and can actually be beneficial to the couple. In my case hubby has embraced my sexual needs and made that part of who we are as a couple. In the other couples case, it was not so much that she was afraid he would be upset as it was that she did not feel that she could fully let go with him watching her. I can understand her thoughts but it also hurt her husband to be excluded from part of her desires.

I think it’s also just a fundamental difference between you and some other women. It seems very much like you have integrated your sexuality into your daily life and thus want your husband to be a part of it. But other women seem like they want to compartmentalize. Their sexuality is just a disjointed part of their personality which is not part of their main life.

I’d be curious how they’d feel if their husbands got their submissive needs met by another woman. Would that be an undesirable intrusion into their world, or a welcome development because it’d free both parties to pursue their “natural” roles?

 

[Islander55]

I think it’s also just a fundamental difference between you and some other women. It seems very much like you have integrated your sexuality into your daily life and thus want your husband to be a part of it. But other women seem like they want to compartmentalize. Their sexuality is just a disjointed part of their personality which is not part of their main life.

I’d be curious how they’d feel if their husbands got their submissive needs met by another woman. Would that be an undesirable intrusion into their world, or a welcome development because it’d free both parties to pursue their “natural” roles?

You raise some good questions and I am not sure of the answers. It took me a long time and some luck to settle into a comfortable sexual role.

 

[beckiefalwell]

I don't think you men know how many women become submissive to the right woman after having been married to men. And I speak from experience. My new "friends" are often married.

 

[saintcero]

I don't think you men know how many women become submissive to the right woman after having been married to men. And I speak from experience. My new "friends" are often married.

We don’t know but I would like to learn more