GUNFIGHT! (part 5)

[WickedEve]

I want to know who wrote which poem. I have a guess but not sure. It was really, really, really tough to make a choice between them. And I'm not saying that to make anyone feel better. I went back and forth between them and changed my mind over and over. They were both very good!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

As soon as I hear back from Reltne.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Before I post the judges' decisions, I have to thank Tristesse and tungtied2u. This was the closest result of all poetry gunfights to date, and both of you did an excellent job.

I would gladly settle it as a tie. This is one time I'm glad the moderator doesn't have to make any decisions.

Here are the two poems with the indication of author and of the borrowed lines:




Fish bait by tungtied2u

In other worlds they might have met as lovers
Today, he is a fish gazing up through crystal seas *
she holds the pole with which to snag him
a twist of wrist, a subtle tug
she is a mistress of the come hither

but he has spent his life avoiding sirens' charms
dives deep to slip the hook
and yet can’t help but look
up into those eyes, her
laughing at his predicament
this pool seems small

she is omnipresent
stalking him along the shore
“Here fishy , fishy” she sings
beckoning with open palm
fingers wormlike, wriggling
a seductive dance
along the waters surface

Instinctively his mouth opens,
despite misgivings rises
to taste those mimicking morsels,
spies her lips curling,
he snaps jaws shut,
slips away as net comes swooping through
swims with joy, fins propelling him
high above safety’s domain
sleek scales shining in evening sun


He never feels liquid again
only hot fire and ivory teeth
as he is consumed,
his last supper


* from Tristesse's Prairie Boy




The Partners by Tristesse

In steel and glass they met
seven floors above the world
hushed by deep pile and tasteful art.
He sat, smug behind burled splendour
and quizzed her.
She replied, her eyes on his
steady.
From interest and expectation
she swiftly moved to vague dislike
he was so handsome – such a pity.

He delighted in her discomfort
tried to make her squirm –
so prim, so haughty, so damn sexy.
He stood so she must look up,
it made him swell with power
and she noticed.

Suddenly he grasped her hand
shook her arm and said
the job was hers.
She stood
accepted what she’d known was hers.

For months they sparred and argued.
Tense moments pricked the air
He new her work invaluable
For her, the pay was key.

She worked long hours to please him,
a pool of light held her prisoner
in the darkened tower.
He stormed and ranted,
banged her desk
while she sat calmly arguing

Infuriated, recognising an equal
he grasped her arms and
pulled her to her feet.
Their eyes blazed sparks
he yelled, she screamed
and pulled away aware of some new tic,
a shock of recognition.


He too, felt it,
the feelings he had denied boiled in him.
He held her then, his arms strong,
as she protested.
A kiss, fierce and long unsprung
had hushed their voice. **

The desk became a monument,
designer shirts and documents
were shredded amidst sighs.
Her legs were even longer
Than he’d dreamed
and his package held delights
she’d only guessed at.

All in all
it was a productive partnership.


** from tungtied2u's At A Loss For Words




Judges' Considerations:

WickedEve:

Both are very good, excellent considering the time limit and the pressure. I read Lauren's requirements several times. Even though I found them both to be good, I was looking for that sexual tension.

Fish Bait, for me, is the more poetic of the two entries. Though, I don't see the fish and siren as being rivals. It's more of a predator/prey relationship. I feel the thrill of the chase, or the thrill of the angling. There is a degree of tension in this one, but not quite electrifying.

The Partners is poetry, yet there are moments when it's rather prose-like. It does have more sexual tension than the other poem, and these two characters appear to better fit the description of rivals. At times, I did feel as though I was being told a little more than I was being shown. I sensed the tension, but didn't completely feel it. For example: "Tense moments pricked the air." Here, I'm being told. There is a part about him storming and ranting and banging her desk. I don't feel tension with storming and ranting, but I do get a visual when I read banging the desk. I was looking for more of those sorts of details. I think the first four lines were the most poetic and a very nice opening for the poem.

Both pieces of writing are equally good, but Fish Bait is better poetry. Both have a certain amount of tension. Fish Bait has the tension on the fishing line, which is a clever take on sexual tension. The Partners has that classic work place tension, and it also has "the chain of events that lead to some angry sex" and "that clash between the conflicting emotions of rivalry and attraction." So, I would have to choose The Partners as the poem that better met the criteria.

Winner: The Partners

***

CharleyH:

Restraints:

• include one line taken from an already posted poem by your rival.

• theme is the build-up of sexual tension between two rivals.

I quite enjoyed these poems for much different reasons, and so I thank both poets for not only taking on this rather nerve-wracking and arduous task, but for giving me the pleasure of reading poetry that might not otherwise have been written. Now to the task:

Both poets fulfilled the requirement of using a line by their rival, and I felt that both weaved the additional lines seamlessly into their own poems:

Fish Bait: he is a fish gazing up at the crystal seas
The Partners: has hushed their voice

Fish Bait offers an original analogy, and I admire the poets attempt to create a sexually tense metaphor from such a mundane sport. Yet, no matter how ordinary the sport, it is by its very nature replete with tension, like sex itself. The taunting Freudian fort/da game: come here, go away, revealing and concealing intermingled with the mischievous purpose of snagging, trapping and devouring that is fishing, makes for an incredibly rich tension that lends itself beautifully to power struggles in sex play – the hunter and the hunted.

a twist of wrist, a subtle tug
she is a mistress of the come hither

but he has spent his life avoiding sirens’ charms

Together, these few lines illustrate tension perfectly, and move the poem from fishing to sex. Her power over him solidified and further carried as she taunts him. I had to laugh at the line:

“Here fishy, fishy” she sings

I felt the humour appropriate, mocking the ridiculousness of the game, feeding her complacency and illustrating so well the tension by breaking it with a ripping pause that feels uncomfortable and nervous, and also separates the poem into two distinct parts: hunting and final entrapment. Despite that he knows she is dangerous, instinctively his mouth opens

I loved the cannibalistic imagery, the emphasis on the rivalry. They are opposites: the Mistress/siren and the fish and yet she devours him and makes him a part of her as a final act of sexual fulfillment and winning.

Beautiful. I’d say more, but have to recall Lauren’s word: Brevity.

The Partners was much more straightforward, got to the point right away and set out the sexual intensity with realistic, narrative simplicity. However, I felt that I was more told about the tension than led to discover it myself. In this respect, I did not really ‘feel’ the poem as I read it:
For months they sparred and argued.
Tense moments pricked the air

I could see the poem beginning to shape in the direction of a fairy tale, and only wished that the poet would have taken that last half hour to feel his/her way through this potential metaphor. It was the most interesting thing about the poem to me:

In steel and glass they met
seven floors above the world . . .

A pool of light held her prisoner
In the darkened tower.

There were some beautiful lines in this poem:

The desk became a monument,
designer shirts and documents
were shredded amidst sighs

was among my favourite.

The tension became more apparent, more felt in the latter half of the poem, but it took 5 stanzas to get there:

Infuriated, recognising and equal
her grasped her arms and
pulled her to her feet.
Their eyes blazed sparks
He yelled, she screamed
And pulled away aware of some new tic,
A shock of recognition.

The poem should have ended with:

and his package held delights
she’d only guessed at.

but the poet drug it on as if ‘oh, I am bored with it now, so all in all it was a productive partnership. I felt this end was an ineffective summarization that completely negated the tension of the poem.

While all symbol and metaphor in ‘Fish Bait’ go toward sexual tension, there is ultimately no “sexual” tension between a fish and a woman. I feel this could have been rectified by altering the first line from ‘in other worlds they might have been’ to the more certain, ‘in other worlds they were’.

But, I cannot make a judgement on my subjective wish. I have to look at what is there. While both poems exemplified tension, only The Partners stuck with the theme of rising sexual tension between two rivals.

Winner: The Partners

***

Reltne:

Upon reflection I think that Fish bait was written by tungtied2u. This is by elimination for I feel more strongly that The Partners was written by a woman, and one who often does not follow U.S. spelling preferences, which equals Tristesse.
(I'm probably completely wrong, since neither effort reminded me of any of their other poems.)

My judgement:
I must first confess to a predisposition to like poems about fish, and I have a predilection for alliteration. Secondly I am not a great fan of erotic poetry unless it is very well written and the images fresh.
Consequently I had a bias immediately after the first reads. I would like to think that I overcame my native feelings and judged objectively, but I still came down in favor of Fish bait as the better of the two poems.

The Partners more obviously follows the contest instructions, but too obviously (IMHO) to be good poetry. The choice of words starts out well, but then the story-line deteriorates into an outline. The entire work gives me the feeling that the author is going to come back later and flesh out a story, or rewrite and tighten into a poem of more subtle imagery and depth. The Partners is too straight forward to really raise any sexual tension. It is the weaker of the two poems, and both poets write far better when not under a time constraint to write to a theme. (Something I would never even attempt to do!)

Fish bait is much more of a moving imagery poem. The word choices are simpler, and I am sure the author could greatly strengthen the work upon review, but it works, and the alliteration helps draw the reader along. It is strong enough in surface imagery that the audience might not even get the full possible depth of the metaphor, where "fish"=sucker=John=man=catch and the angler=hooker=gold-digger=siren=catcher during the initial read.

All in all, I take my hat off to both poets for attempting this feat.
I cannot even write to order in the contests that have deadlines of a couple of weeks! There is no way I could ever write even one intelligible sentence to such orders within a 90 minute time limit!

[additional notes have been forwarded to the authors]

Winner: Fish bait

***

So, by a 2 to 1 ruling, the victory tonight goes to Tristesse.

 

[Liar]

Fish bait by tungtied2u
The Partners by Tristesse

Hah. Just what I thought.

Congrats, Trisesse.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm thinking about making the next gunfight a team event, somehow. How would you all feel about that?

 

[CharleyH]

Whats a team event

Sounds intriguing.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

That's "team"

And I don't know, yet. Two or three groups of three poets, each having to write stanza? I'll figure something out.

 

[CharleyH]

That's "team"

And I don't know, yet. Two or three groups of three poets, each having to write stanza? I'll figure something out.

HA! Edited it.

Well, I'm not much of an exhibitionist. But I'd like to watch

 

[Lauren Hynde]

HA! Edited it.

Well, I'm not much of an exhibitionist. But I'd like to watch

If it works and several poets volunteer for the teams, I'll be in desperate need of judges.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

If it works and several poets volunteer for the teams, I'll be in desperate need of judges.

I wonder what you would do to get them......



Congrats to Trist and Tung, very well done, both of you.

 

[CharleyH]

If it works and several poets volunteer for the teams, I'll be in desperate need of judges.

Are you paying?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Knowing justice is being served is its own reward.

 

[CharleyH]

Knowing justice is being served is its own reward.

Isn't that what Bush said to Blair?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I doubt he was thinking about the same thing as me.

 

[LilDarlin]

~Chicken~

I think it's a great idea. It would be a lotta fun. As long as the *team* is able to get together in a timley fashion and do it.
It would be a blast~~!!

err I am still really new at this.
Big Chicken here.

Still though I love the concept.
Would like to see it ....
(if my vote counts..lol .)

 

[tungtied2u]

So, by a 2 to 1 ruling, the victory tonight goes to Tristesse.

Congratulations Tristesse.... I enjoyed the opportunity to test your mettle....and your method.

I must say I was aware that Tess's entry more closely met guidelines set forth, but once the words started flowing, I had to let them come and arrive at their own conclusion. I didn't have the discipline to mute what wanted to be said....it was almost like channeling.

And it was a hell of a rush,

Thank you judges for the time and consideration you put into your comments. I was much more comfortable being in my position, than I would have been in yours.

And Lauren, thanks again to you for inspiring this contest. They are always a pleasure and interesting in seeing how poets work.

 

[average gina]

I was actually thinking about being one of the challengers. Then I saw Tristesse's name as a challenger and said to myself, "HAYELL NAWL!" (That was a southern "hell no".) She is way more experienced than I am. I could tell. She's got over 30,000 posts and I'm barely over 100! And she's got 7 stories--three a part of a series--and 42 poems posted (given that I counted correctly) and if it weren't for the challenges I wouldn't even have ten, which happens to be so small of a number it can be spelled with only three letters and it takes eight letters and a dash to spell 42! I don't even want to spell it for fear that I might misspell it (okay, now that is just a lie, I'm one hell of a speller... it just takes too damn long to type, which, considering all of the letters I've just typed, seems... well... See what I mean! I can't even find the word for it!! Uhmm, where was I outside the parentheses? Oh yeah...) and if it were not for the challenges, I would have only seven poems posted! And she has all those neato pictures in the upper left corner and Boo has set up a pic for me to try to put in the left hand corner and I'm still paranoid about putting it up! Okay, Boo! I promise! I'm gonna try! Just not yet! I don't want to ruin all that work I had to do on my personal signature!

I feel like I am still learning anyway. Maybe next time... That's a big, fat maybe!

Hi.

 

[average gina]

Oh. Good work y'all. I was impressed with not only the poetry but also the careful review and thought processes of the judges. I've learned from examining those.

Is there like a schedule for this thing or does it happen whenever it seems like it feels like a good day for a gunfight?

 

[Man Ray]

As a neutral and occasional poet I think the result is fair. I've read both poems and agree with the judges verdict which was just and fair and full of constructive criticism. So...well done Tristesse!

 

[Guest]

Thank you all!

As I said earlier, I didn't enjoy writing under pressure and it shows, I scrambled to write it and, even when I had time to tighten it, I didn't.

I do agree with the judgement that tung's is the better poem - mine is, inded too narrative.

Thanks to Reltne for his additional comments Lauren PMed me, thanks to Lauren and all three judges and, last but by no means least, to my worthy co-shooter, tungtied2u.

I'm in for some major computer disruption and will miss the Thanxgiving challenge. I'll try leaving a note for Laurel and submit it today before I lose contact.

See you all sooner than later - I hope.

 

[BooMerengue]

I might be tempted to do a team thingy...

oh man am i gonna regret saying that!

Tris and Tung? Terriffic job! Both were winners in my book!

Tho I have to admit I think theres a lot of the predator and the prey in the build up to a sexual encounter... no?

 

[tungtied2u]

Analysis:Fish Bait

After reading Reltne's comment's onmy poem, both the one's posted with his decision and the additional one's Lauren forwarded to me, I thought it might be approproaite to clarify my point of view on what I meant.

Then, after reading the comment by Boomerengue previous to this one, I had an epiphany, and realized even I had not realized what it meant.

Now all has become clear. The poem was about Tess and I. She the sexy, clever siren, tempting me yowards her net. I the gullible fish, thinking himself clever enough to avoid her trap.

And sure enough, I was snared and eaten for dinner. Ahh, but the excitement of the contest made it all worthwhile.

Thanks again, Tess

 

[postobitum]

I just saw that average gina said hayell nawl! *sniff* I haven't heard that in so long...thank you!!!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Is there like a schedule for this thing or does it happen whenever it seems like it feels like a good day for a gunfight?

I wake up one day and can smell it in the air: Today is a good day to kill.

And paraphrasing Liar's post in another thread, the pen is widely accepted as being deadlier than any conventional non-projectile weaponry.

 

[Reltne]

. . .
And paraphrasing Liar's post in another thread, the pen is widely accepted as being deadlier than any conventional non-projectile weaponry.

So why then do you call it a gunfight?