How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Wicked...I wish I could reach in and give you a big HUG! Trying my best but at times the tears fall silently when I know I can't do the things I used to do (walking more than half a block, sitting more than 30 minutes on a good day and most of all standing).

Too much pills, want to do things, go places but as my SO says "rest, relax". It's so frustrating....

HUGGGGGS to you and hope to be back on the thread tomorrow. For now goodnight everyone...love to all.

Shadow

When the time comes for your operation please ask for a large room as we will all be right there with you & every minute of your recovery.

As for all the drugs your on I can understnd that too as I often stop & listen to see if I'm rattling with more than 20 pills a day,2injections & another injection tossed in once a week & I've stopped the Morphine shots a week ago these are just to keep me going drugs & zero for pain or pleasure....only what I must take.

 

[Gil_T2]

Wow its hard to describe what I feel after reading this thread. Its a jumble of thoughts and emotions, anger, sorrow, bewilderment, horror.
I wish I could say something helpful but I can't so I'll say this,
I hope and pray that all of you can heal, and my best wishes go with you.

Thanks for dropping in & your hopes,prayers & wishes are very welcome for all who need them.

On the up side the best I can say is we are all doing our best.

 

[Gil_T2]

MISSING KIKI


My heart is saddened with not knowing where & how my dear friend is

 

[shadow_dreamer]

When the time comes for your operation please ask for a large room as we will all be right there with you & every minute of your recovery.

As for all the drugs your on I can understnd that too as I often stop & listen to see if I'm rattling with more than 20 pills a day,2injections & another injection tossed in once a week & I've stopped the Morphine shots a week ago these are just to keep me going drugs & zero for pain or pleasure....only what I must take.

Afternoon Gil and everyone else. Thanks for your kind words and I will ask for/try to get a single room that way everyone can be there and we can shut the door and have a party, lol.

Gee Gil I thought I had it bad and tired of taking my meds and using this TENZ unit to stimulate my nerves - hearing what you have to go through makes mine sound like a walk in the park so to speak. Unfortunately with me I finally discovered one of the side effects of my new med - I not only get dopey, clouds my mind I get very engergetic and want to do something, go somewhere or other and my poor SO worries that I may hurt myself. If you could only hear what he says and how he looks when he tells me "just relax, rest, play computer and take it easy" whenever he has to leave me when he goes to work. At least he cares which says a lot considered my ex who told me to "hold on and wait until I'm ready or my tv show is over with" when I was stung by multiple bees and discovered I'm deathly allergic to them and couldn't breathe.

Anyway...thanks for the kind words and I'll sure to let everyone know when the date arrives and will welcome everyone into my room during recovery. I'm sure my SO won't mind, lol.

Until later....lots of hugggs, smoochies and love Take care!

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Wow its hard to describe what I feel after reading this thread. Its a jumble of thoughts and emotions, anger, sorrow, bewilderment, horror.
I wish I could say something helpful but I can't so I'll say this,
I hope and pray that all of you can heal, and my best wishes go with you.

Thanks Bystander...we all heal in different times, in many ways and having people like you and others on the thread helps. We all help one another and it's great. Who says no one gives a sh*t anymore in the world is wrong!

Aloha

 

[Gil_T2]

Afternoon Gil and everyone else. Thanks for your kind words and I will ask for/try to get a single room that way everyone can be there and we can shut the door and have a party, lol.

Gee Gil I thought I had it bad and tired of taking my meds and using this TENZ unit to stimulate my nerves - hearing what you have to go through makes mine sound like a walk in the park so to speak. Unfortunately with me I finally discovered one of the side effects of my new med - I not only get dopey, clouds my mind I get very engergetic and want to do something, go somewhere or other and my poor SO worries that I may hurt myself. If you could only hear what he says and how he looks when he tells me "just relax, rest, play computer and take it easy" whenever he has to leave me when he goes to work. At least he cares which says a lot considered my ex who told me to "hold on and wait until I'm ready or my tv show is over with" when I was stung by multiple bees and discovered I'm deathly allergic to them and couldn't breathe.

Anyway...thanks for the kind words and I'll sure to let everyone know when the date arrives and will welcome everyone into my room during recovery. I'm sure my SO won't mind, lol.

Until later....lots of hugggs, smoochies and love Take care!

WOW a drug that gives energy I know it might frustrate you & your SO but one big trouble I'm having is no energy at all to do even simple things, everything is an effort even getting a shower & dressing has me laying down to recover from the drain on my energy, I often have to force myself to do MUST do thing like feed me as I have no SO in my life & haven't for many years although I have had some wonderful lovers but I do have hope of more as in November I have a LIT friend comming to stay for 2 wonderful weeks, I just hope that I'm UP for her visit,

 

[Don K Dyck]

MISSING KIKI


My heart is saddened with not knowing where & how my dear friend is

Hi Gil . . . Kiki is doing fine, or was back about four or five pages when she posted. She has relocated to another State . . . check back and see . . .

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
WOW a drug that gives energy I know it might frustrate you & your SO but one big trouble I'm having is no energy at all to do even simple things, everything is an effort even getting a shower & dressing has me laying down to recover from the drain on my energy, I often have to force myself to do MUST do thing like feed me as I have no SO in my life & haven't for many years although I have had some wonderful lovers but I do have hope of more as in November I have a LIT friend comming to stay for 2 wonderful weeks, I just hope that I'm UP for her visit,

Hope the visit will be uplifting for you and her. Wish I was nearby to help out...my heart goes out to you. Seems you and I both got our problems (medically) but I must say it puts a smile on my face to know we have others out there that care even though we've never met face to face (hope one day that would happen - would be nice).

Take it easy and you're in my prayers and my heart. Lots of HUGGGGGSSSS!
shadow

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Just wanted to say good morning to Don and everyone else...didn't want to seem rude by not saying hi to you Don.

Ah, a lazy Sunday and feeling pretty medicated but will take some time to do some walking at least try to for a bit (necessary shopping - hate shopping, yes a woman who dislikes shopping - will only go in buy what's needed and skeedaddle out of the place; I know I'm strange).

Take care and HUGGGGS, SMOOCHIES TO ALL! ALOHA from the isles in the middle of the Pacific.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Gil . . . Kiki is doing fine, or was back about four or five pages when she posted. She has relocated to another State . . . check back and see . . .

Thanks DON but this thread is slow & a post 4 or 5 pages back is weeks & I got that one but it was the last we heard.I hope I'm just worried over nothing but knowing her better than most does have me on edge with worry.



ANYONE HEARING ANYTHING AT ALL FROM KIKMOSA PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP.

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks DON but this thread is slow & a post 4 or 5 pages back is weeks & I got that one but it was the last we heard.I hope I'm just worried over nothing but knowing her better than most does have me on edge with worry.



ANYONE HEARING ANYTHING AT ALL FROM KIKMOSA PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP.

Gil - I did a search, Kiki last posted on Aussies thread on 22 Sept....

 

[Gil_T2]

Gil - I did a search, Kiki last posted on Aussies thread on 22 Sept....

A very big thankyou BANDIT that at least limits it to around a week instead of weeks like I thought.

 

[Bandit58]

Posted by Kiki in "True Confessions" thread on the same day:

Hello everyone. Looks like no one is around but I thought I would stop in and say hi. Things are going pretty good here. Weather is getting cool and the leaves are beginning to turn. Very pretty. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care and see you soon.

 

[Gil_T2]

Posted by Kiki in "True Confessions" thread on the same day:

Thankyou again BANDIT.... I just hope I'm worried for no good reason & will try to settle my concerns.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just a bump to keep a worth while thread in eyes sight

 

[Ms_Kat]

Dear Gil,



Thank you so much for starting this thread. There is so much heartbreak in the world. It is so wonderful to find men who are willing to help lighten it a bit. I worked as a social worker for many years, investigating child and spousal abuse. It wears the soul thin and there were many times I came home in tears. Sometimes the only way I could go on is because I knew I could come home and get away from it and they couldn't. Thank you.

To address the question, how do you help someone get over abuse, I think you already have a good start. You care, deeply, and you are willing to stand by them while they learn to heal. Sometimes it takes therapy. Sometimes it takes friends. Sometimes it just takes time. Humans are wonderfully resilient. We keep bouncing back, even when we should just stay down.

I'm not one who subscribes to the idea that to heal is to forgive and forget. Like a scar leaves a mark on our bodies, abuse leaves a mark on our soul. It can heal. Sometimes, it can even be forgiven, if it was done in ignorance. Sometimes, most times, it is unforgivable. Regardless, it should never be forgotten. However, we should strive to reach a place where the abuse can no longer cause us pain.

As far as being ashamed of your gender, you've no need to be. The fact that you can ask the questions you do shows that you have the very best of what it means to be a man. True, others may disgrace themselves, but none of that shame belongs to you.


Hugs,


Kat

 

[Bandit58]

Hi Kat
When I first posted on this thread I'd been out of my marriage six months. I have used this thread as therapy, a place to vent, and I still do when I have to deal with my ex as the old feelings come back at those times. Not as bad as they once were, because I've grown in the last year and have realised that I have to put him behind me and get on with the life I have now.

It will be 2 years next April and I can file the divorce papers. I can't wait, it will be another positive step along the journey. I have been lucky, I met a wonderful man not long after the split and we had a relationship (LDR, but we did meet several times). He showed me how it should be to be loved....and I loved him back.....but we can't be together, we have remained friends but it is hard to keep the old feelings at bay He healed me and started me on my sexual awakening, and he'll always be special to me

I'm taking baby steps and slowly but surely I'm getting my confidence back......

 

[Carnus]

I know this thread has been here a while, and I haven't posted on it because I have been thinking about it off and on for a long time. I can only offer one thing.

Don't worry about helping them getting over being abused, help them grow to love you. I know that sounds kind of odd, but what has happened is over, show the person you love them for who they are, all of who they are. Their past has made them into that person, the good parts and the bad parts. I had an abusive stepfather for a while growing up, I can't say that anything will ever make me forget that, but it did help me grow into a person who would never harm someone I loved. Love them deeply and truly, that is the best medicine for anything I know of.

Carnus

 

[BirdsWife]

Once again, Carnus, you make me melt.

 

[Blackbich]

A sista goes away for a few weeks and looky what's happened!!

Kiki's done moved to the big city; Kiki, when you can, please update us and let us know how you are doing.

Gil's done got sliced - twice!!! I'm glad you're on the road to recovery, big guy. Especially since I wasn't aware of the need for an operation. You are in my prayers, sir.

Shadow's getting ready to get sliced. *sigh* All I can say is (((hugs))). I have a friend going through the exact same thing right now. She's been so depressed she's been almost suicidal, the only thing that kept her from doing it was her children. She has an appointment next Tuesday and they will, hopefully, schedule her for surgery. Based on her injury, they claim only the fusion surgery will help. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Best of luck to you. You are in my prayers, as well.

Bandit...I think of you often, my dear. The fact that you are still trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Mr. Butthead for your childrens sake says a lot about the type of person you are, especially since he keeps acting like an ass. It will get better, eventually.

Thank you, Bystander and Carnus, for the kind words directed for the people of this thread.

Hello to everyone else I may have missed, sorry...I had WAY too much catching up to do and I can't remember who exactly said what...I claim mental dysfunction due to my allergies/cold!!!

Hope everyone continues to do well. I will give you an update in a couple of days.

 

[Bandit58]

Bandit...I think of you often, my dear. The fact that you are still trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Mr. Butthead for your childrens sake says a lot about the type of person you are, especially since he keeps acting like an ass. It will get better, eventually.

ROFL.....Mr Butthead Thanks Blackbich, that will be his new name when referring to him from now on!

In fact, things are a little better, he has been quite civil the last two times I spoke to him. Mind you I got in first and stated my case firmly and calmly so he had no reason to fly off the deep end. He knows where I stand on certain issues now and as I do not speak to him except when it is absolutely necessary I can put him right to the back of my mind and get on with living.....

 

[Ms_Kat]

To Bandit

I'm happy to hear that you are taking positive steps in your life. The inability to be with your new man may actually be a positive thing. I've seen so many people jump out of one bad relationship and right into another. It takes time to heal. It sounds like you are giving yourself that time.

I used to have a quote on my wall that said something like, "Life is a process of healing, wholing, and moving on." Healing and moving on are pretty much self-explanatory. Wholing is something I think we give much less thought to. When you put a relationship behind you, you feel bereft and lost, even when it was a bad relationship. We often talk about how much of ourselves we put into it without getting anything back. We have to be a whole person in order to enter a relationship fully.

Ok, I'll get off the soap-box. I hope your journey through life always moves you closer to happiness.



Hugs,


Kat

 

[Noor]

I have been lucky, I met a wonderful man not long after the split and we had a relationship (LDR, but we did meet several times). He showed me how it should be to be loved....and I loved him back.....but we can't be together, we have remained friends but it is hard to keep the old feelings at bay He healed me and started me on my sexual awakening, and he'll always be special to me

I think there is a lot to be said for sexual healing, unconditional love and friendship regardless whether the relationship has a traditional "future" or not.

 

[Gil_T2]

It pleases me to see positive posts here but I'm exhaused so will have to apologise for not replying in full to each at the moment but will be back soon to do this.

 

[premedvixen]

removing abuse scars

Dear Gil and all of you who have dealt with abuse in some form,

First, I'd like to take this opportunity to say hello. I am new to this forum and this thread stood out at me because few people ask how to deal with such an issue. Gil, I'd like to commend you for asking. You sound like a wonderful human being who cares very deeply about healing the wounded. It also sounds like you could use some healing yourself. My best wishes go out to you and your less-than-perfect health. I hope you are well.

Second, my heart goes out to all of you who have dealt with the horrors of an abusive relationship. It took my a long time to get over my own. I have been in multiple abusive relationships, though not all of them physically abusive. The first was when I was 14. I was young and naive. The young man I was with didn't like the word "no". A child was resultant from this, a child that I love dearly to this day. She is a beautiful girl, who I shield from the sick truth of her father's old words. Let me tell you, there's nothing worse than being 14 and hearing the person that impregnated you say "well if it is a girl, I'll be the one to break her in. Why go down the street when you can go down the hall." To this day, I can't stand to look him in the face when he drops my daughter off on his visitation weekends. He also had a hand in a small amount of physical abuse, but mostly it was verbal.....then there was the stalking me after I finally screwed up the courage to break things off.

After all that, I have been very timid sexually. I had a hard time letting go for a very long time. I got into relationships that were at best unhealthy. I dated men who, while not intentionally abusive, made me feel terrible for my lack of sexual drive. I even married one of them. I always felt that was what I deserved...that I was "used goods".

I'm thrilled to say that I recently started dating a man who didn't try to sleep with me on the first date, who didn't shove my face into his crotch, who didn't make me feel like a horrible person for not wanting sexual contact. He is the first man since I became sexually active that I have felt at complete ease with. I do not feel the fear of wondering whether or not he will backhand me for making him angry, or go out and sleep with someone else to "get back at me". I do not fear the sting of his words.

I suppose, in my long-winded own way, what I'm saying is hang in there. I know it sounds cliche, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person. I know I am stronger because of what has happened to me. I also know now that it's not okay for a man to knock me around, it's not okay for a man to force himself on me, and it is okay for me to cry. I send hugs to all of you who have been there, and I hope with all my heart you all are in better circumstances now. Take care.