How do you help someone get over being abused

[wicked woman]

Re: removing abuse scars

Originally posted by premedvixen
Dear Gil and all of you who have dealt with abuse in some form,

I suppose, in my long-winded own way, what I'm saying is hang in there. I know it sounds cliche, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person. I know I am stronger because of what has happened to me. I also know now that it's not okay for a man to knock me around, it's not okay for a man to force himself on me, and it is okay for me to cry. I send hugs to all of you who have been there, and I hope with all my heart you all are in better circumstances now. Take care.

Sending hugs back to you premedvixen. And welcome to Lit...hope you'll love it.

 

[Gil_T2]

Welcome to our new friends here & I promise to return soon as I can to reply to ALL the posts but I'm needing rest & as normal the fatigue has to battle the insomnia & insomnia is winning so the brain refuses to work right at the moment so rather than run on with a lot of mindless dribble I'll return soon.

Soft caring hugs to anyone who needs them.

FOR ANY LURKER WHO IS AFRAID OR NOT SURE ABOUT POSTING HERE feel free to use the PM for contact.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: removing abuse scars

Dear Gil and all of you who have dealt with abuse in some form,

First, I'd like to take this opportunity to say hello. I am new to this forum and this thread stood out at me because few people ask how to deal with such an issue. Gil, I'd like to commend you for asking. You sound like a wonderful human being who cares very deeply about healing the wounded. It also sounds like you could use some healing yourself. My best wishes go out to you and your less-than-perfect health. I hope you are well.

Second, my heart goes out to all of you who have dealt with the horrors of an abusive relationship. It took my a long time to get over my own. I have been in multiple abusive relationships, though not all of them physically abusive. The first was when I was 14. I was young and naive. The young man I was with didn't like the word "no". A child was resultant from this, a child that I love dearly to this day. She is a beautiful girl, who I shield from the sick truth of her father's old words. Let me tell you, there's nothing worse than being 14 and hearing the person that impregnated you say "well if it is a girl, I'll be the one to break her in. Why go down the street when you can go down the hall." To this day, I can't stand to look him in the face when he drops my daughter off on his visitation weekends. He also had a hand in a small amount of physical abuse, but mostly it was verbal.....then there was the stalking me after I finally screwed up the courage to break things off.

After all that, I have been very timid sexually. I had a hard time letting go for a very long time. I got into relationships that were at best unhealthy. I dated men who, while not intentionally abusive, made me feel terrible for my lack of sexual drive. I even married one of them. I always felt that was what I deserved...that I was "used goods".

I'm thrilled to say that I recently started dating a man who didn't try to sleep with me on the first date, who didn't shove my face into his crotch, who didn't make me feel like a horrible person for not wanting sexual contact. He is the first man since I became sexually active that I have felt at complete ease with. I do not feel the fear of wondering whether or not he will backhand me for making him angry, or go out and sleep with someone else to "get back at me". I do not fear the sting of his words.

I suppose, in my long-winded own way, what I'm saying is hang in there. I know it sounds cliche, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person. I know I am stronger because of what has happened to me. I also know now that it's not okay for a man to knock me around, it's not okay for a man to force himself on me, and it is okay for me to cry. I send hugs to all of you who have been there, and I hope with all my heart you all are in better circumstances now. Take care.

Hi vixen . . . great to hear that you are making a life for yourself. From your statements only , that appears to be one pretty sick puppy that you got associated with, and sadly it looks like he'll be around for quite a while . . .

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . EVER!!

And equally emphatically, there is never any excuse for threatening a child, any child, his own child, with sexual abuse . . . EVER!!

You get a lend of your children for about 20 years and then they fly on their own wings. Any sicko who even contemplates sexual harassment of any child, let alone his own, loses all rights and deserves whatever painful death that is inflicted upon them . . . male or female adult.

Just guessing from your post, it appears that your daughter is about 5 years old. Have you considered enrolling her NOW in some martial art class, such as Tae Kwon Doe, for her own personal development and self-protection? It really develops self-esteem and confidence, two of the key ingredients for survival in any school system.

Then continuous "education" about what is appropriate behaviour from father and other males is always in order. Mothers and daughters tend to form a close bond and discuss everything without limit. This is a very healthy attitude and good relationship. Gut feelings are very important in situations like this, never underestimate their accuracy.

In Oz, such a comment would be sufficient to prevent unsupervised visits by his daughter through the application of a court order called and Apprehended Violence Order, AVO. Another precaution may be recording his comments with the local police authorities and your equivalent of child welfare (but that may be a mixed blessing).

In Oz divorce proceedings, applying for an AVO is proposed by some unscrupulous lawyers as a barganing strategy in Family Court settlements. Not a nice scenario.

However, in the situation that you describe it is quite appropirate. A threat of sexual violence has been made and it is essential that your daughter be protected to the full extent of the llaw.

Also in Oz there is anti-stalking legislation which makes stalking a criminal offence punishable by jail.

Put together, your "friend" is an emotionally sick person as demonstrated by both his stalking and threats to his unborn daughter. The causes of this sort of insecure personality are many. A frequent source is a domineering mother who is emotionally unavailabale for the developig child, or their own family is abusive and that is the only environment that they know and understand. That is no excuse, simply gives them a starting point in sorting out their own emotional horrors.

This "father?" person has expressed the unnatural desire to destroy the equinamity of his daughter and so by that single act has freely abandoned any rights to family connection with his proposed victim. Unfortunately, there is only one offence needed to emotionally destroy the father-daughter bond of trust. In Oz it is a criminal offence bringing up to 12 years imprisonment, and the "rock spiders" in jail get their own justice from the other inmates. As you can read on this thread alone, that one unnatural act may take years to"repair".

So a winning strategy is required. Does he have a new gf? Perhaps encouraging him to be more self-occupied may relieve him of the imposed social burden of "caring" for his daughter. Or maybe he might like to take up some distant job opportunity in say, Alaska, Europe or Antarctica. If you had a useful big brother there are other alternatives. Just quietly let him know that he is not wanted around and his daughter will grow up a better person for his absence.

One important strategy is the calm gaze, looking him directly in the eye knowing that you are the stronger person. You have done nothing to feel guilty about, so don't let him dump his guilt on you. Always count three before you reply to him about anything. Then reply is a measured speech without emotion. He will become unnerved by your new and developing inner strength because underneath all the bluster he is really a coward and a bully.

Incest and pederasty have no place in a caring society.

 

[premedvixen]

repairing damage

Hiya Don,

You were pretty close. My daughter is seven now. I wish I'd had a lot of the info you're giving me now when the events took place. I went about trying to have the "father's" rights taken away awhile back, based on the things he said to me, his violent nature, and at the time, his drug use. I spoke with several lawyers who all told me the same thing: unless I had taped the conversations we had together or I had what he said in writing, it was really a case of my word versus his. In any event, I wasn't likely to get anywhere, and he could turn around and try to sue me for defamation of character. At one point, I had quite a few long letters he had written me, but they have since disappeared from my presence. I even tried begging a judge to listen to me at one of the custody hearings, but even he said that unless I had proof not to waste his time. Now, because the majority of this all occured within the first year of my daughter's life, all the legal folk I speak to say, "Well, all he has to tell the courts is that he has turned his life around and he's off the hook". A sad thing to know, considering how many other people out there could be in a similar situation.

I also tried to make it clear to him that my daughter was better off without him around, and that I for one did not care to have him around. Shortly thereafter, he took me to court for threatening him, although I never used any sort of threatening language or remarks.

In light of all that has transpired, I do the only thing I know to do: I tell my daughter that no one, no matter who they are, has any right to say hurtful things to her, has the right to hit her, or to touch her in any way that makes her feel uncomfortable. I let her know that if anyone ever does this, that she needs to let me or my mother know right away.

All I can do is hope that, after the "father's" mother has passed on, he will tire of this good father game he is playing and give up all rights to my daughter.

 

[Gil_T2]

Dear Gil,



Thank you so much for starting this thread. There is so much heartbreak in the world. It is so wonderful to find men who are willing to help lighten it a bit. I worked as a social worker for many years, investigating child and spousal abuse. It wears the soul thin and there were many times I came home in tears. Sometimes the only way I could go on is because I knew I could come home and get away from it and they couldn't. Thank you.

To address the question, how do you help someone get over abuse, I think you already have a good start. You care, deeply, and you are willing to stand by them while they learn to heal. Sometimes it takes therapy. Sometimes it takes friends. Sometimes it just takes time. Humans are wonderfully resilient. We keep bouncing back, even when we should just stay down.

I'm not one who subscribes to the idea that to heal is to forgive and forget. Like a scar leaves a mark on our bodies, abuse leaves a mark on our soul. It can heal. Sometimes, it can even be forgiven, if it was done in ignorance. Sometimes, most times, it is unforgivable. Regardless, it should never be forgotten. However, we should strive to reach a place where the abuse can no longer cause us pain.

As far as being ashamed of your gender, you've no need to be. The fact that you can ask the questions you do shows that you have the very best of what it means to be a man. True, others may disgrace themselves, but none of that shame belongs to you.


Hugs,


Kat

Thankyou Ms Kat for your input to this important thread & please do not be a stanger I'm sure your background will be an added plus to the friends we have here to help those who need a friend who come here looking for help or just a place to voice their hurt or even to vent their pain.

 

[Gil_T2]

I know this thread has been here a while, and I haven't posted on it because I have been thinking about it off and on for a long time. I can only offer one thing.

Don't worry about helping them getting over being abused, help them grow to love you. I know that sounds kind of odd, but what has happened is over, show the person you love them for who they are, all of who they are. Their past has made them into that person, the good parts and the bad parts. I had an abusive stepfather for a while growing up, I can't say that anything will ever make me forget that, but it did help me grow into a person who would never harm someone I loved. Love them deeply and truly, that is the best medicine for anything I know of.

Carnus

Thankyou too CARNUS for your thoughts & please do not be a stranger here as you show that you are one of the right types I'm please to see here A REAL MAN.

 

[Gil_T2]

A sista goes away for a few weeks and looky what's happened!!

Kiki's done moved to the big city; Kiki, when you can, please update us and let us know how you are doing.

Gil's done got sliced - twice!!! I'm glad you're on the road to recovery, big guy. Especially since I wasn't aware of the need for an operation. You are in my prayers, sir.

Shadow's getting ready to get sliced. *sigh* All I can say is (((hugs))). I have a friend going through the exact same thing right now. She's been so depressed she's been almost suicidal, the only thing that kept her from doing it was her children. She has an appointment next Tuesday and they will, hopefully, schedule her for surgery. Based on her injury, they claim only the fusion surgery will help. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Best of luck to you. You are in my prayers, as well.

Bandit...I think of you often, my dear. The fact that you are still trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Mr. Butthead for your childrens sake says a lot about the type of person you are, especially since he keeps acting like an ass. It will get better, eventually.

Thank you, Bystander and Carnus, for the kind words directed for the people of this thread.

Hello to everyone else I may have missed, sorry...I had WAY too much catching up to do and I can't remember who exactly said what...I claim mental dysfunction due to my allergies/cold!!!

Hope everyone continues to do well. I will give you an update in a couple of days.

Dear Blackbitch.....You thoughts & words as usual are so welcome here.

May you recover to be healthier & stronger & return often to let us know how you are too you are a kind caring person.

My recovery continues & I saw the Doc who did the Op's & discovered that not only did they go back to take almost all the 4 little glands but half my thryoid gland as well explaining why it's taking so long to get back to where I was before the Op's.

 

[Carnus]

Thank you,

I have always felt love is a thing to cherished and shared. I can't say I am all that great at relationships, just ask my ex-wives, but I do try and be honest and caring

Carnus

Thankyou too CARNUS for your thoughts & please do not be a stranger here as you show that you are one of the right types I'm please to see here A REAL MAN.

 

[Gil_T2]

I think there is a lot to be said for sexual healing, unconditional love and friendship regardless whether the relationship has a traditional "future" or not.

Hello NOOR ....It's always good to see ppl return to say HI but you haven't posted how you are so please return & let us know.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: removing abuse scars

Dear Gil and all of you who have dealt with abuse in some form,

First, I'd like to take this opportunity to say hello. I am new to this forum and this thread stood out at me because few people ask how to deal with such an issue. Gil, I'd like to commend you for asking. You sound like a wonderful human being who cares very deeply about healing the wounded. It also sounds like you could use some healing yourself. My best wishes go out to you and your less-than-perfect health. I hope you are well.

Second, my heart goes out to all of you who have dealt with the horrors of an abusive relationship. It took my a long time to get over my own. I have been in multiple abusive relationships, though not all of them physically abusive. The first was when I was 14. I was young and naive. The young man I was with didn't like the word "no". A child was resultant from this, a child that I love dearly to this day. She is a beautiful girl, who I shield from the sick truth of her father's old words. Let me tell you, there's nothing worse than being 14 and hearing the person that impregnated you say "well if it is a girl, I'll be the one to break her in. Why go down the street when you can go down the hall." To this day, I can't stand to look him in the face when he drops my daughter off on his visitation weekends. He also had a hand in a small amount of physical abuse, but mostly it was verbal.....then there was the stalking me after I finally screwed up the courage to break things off.

After all that, I have been very timid sexually. I had a hard time letting go for a very long time. I got into relationships that were at best unhealthy. I dated men who, while not intentionally abusive, made me feel terrible for my lack of sexual drive. I even married one of them. I always felt that was what I deserved...that I was "used goods".

I'm thrilled to say that I recently started dating a man who didn't try to sleep with me on the first date, who didn't shove my face into his crotch, who didn't make me feel like a horrible person for not wanting sexual contact. He is the first man since I became sexually active that I have felt at complete ease with. I do not feel the fear of wondering whether or not he will backhand me for making him angry, or go out and sleep with someone else to "get back at me". I do not fear the sting of his words.

I suppose, in my long-winded own way, what I'm saying is hang in there. I know it sounds cliche, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person. I know I am stronger because of what has happened to me. I also know now that it's not okay for a man to knock me around, it's not okay for a man to force himself on me, and it is okay for me to cry. I send hugs to all of you who have been there, and I hope with all my heart you all are in better circumstances now. Take care.

Welcome PREMED or VIXEN which ever you prefer, your post is one that is all to common in this sad world & should not happen ever but it does, the pleasing part is knowing that you have found
what a REAL man is & that this is helping you recover.I hope you & your daughter can out last your ex's interst in seeing her & she remains safe from his misspent ideas on how to treat females.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank you,

I have always felt love is a thing to cherished and shared. I can't say I am all that great at relationships, just ask my ex-wives, but I do try and be honest and caring

Carnus

I can understand exactly where your at as I too have had trouble keeping relationships together no matter how hard I try to keep it alive & often wonder why as I try to be better then their last partner & honesty & caring is always my motto but alas I sit here alone the up side is that I'm friendly with most of my former partners even when they try to play Cupid for me.

More honesty & caring in this world will only make it better so hang in there & don't be a stranger here.

 

[Gil_T2]

J

U

S

T

A

G

E

N

T

L

E

BUMP for the thread

I hope all are safe & well



What a wonderful dream to see this thread die because it is no longer needed.........

 

[Noor]

Originally posted by Gil_T2 What a wonderful dream to see this thread die because it is no longer needed......... [/B]

Me too, but I have my doubts that will happen in my lifetime.

 

[Gil_T2]

Me too, but I have my doubts that will happen in my lifetime.

Hello NOOR....nice to see you drop in again & I am ever hopefull that life can change for all of us especially with so many being possitive with their lives now.

All we can do is keep being here for all our frineds & any new ppl that come here.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Blackbich



Shadow's getting ready to get sliced. *sigh* All I can say is (((hugs))). I have a friend going through the exact same thing right now. She's been so depressed she's been almost suicidal, the only thing that kept her from doing it was her children. She has an appointment next Tuesday and they will, hopefully, schedule her for surgery. Based on her injury, they claim only the fusion surgery will help. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Best of luck to you. You are in my prayers, as well.

Thanks Blackbitch...I kind of got really depressed where I just couldn't stop crying, didn't want to eat or do anything but end the pain. Luckily my SO was/is there/here for me and knows me well enough to know when I'm too quiet and stay to myself (distance myself) something is majorly wrong.
Got one of my meds increased and supposively I'm to increase a pill every 3 days but no way...I can barely function with the amount I'm taking now. Think I'll wait a week before adding an extra pill at night. Right now I'm under "house arrest" as I call it whenever my bf's at work. His mom's home but I get pretty stupid and stubborn and want to grab my keys and just cruise so she kind of keeps an eye on me...thank goodness.

I get to see the surgeon the end of next month. To me it's not soon enough and it's getting to the point I can barely walk after a few hours at work. Ah such is life with the philosophy of the medical field...wait until I can see you mentality.

Anyway, enough of me being on my soapbox (the meds are really doing a number tonight). Thanks for your kind words and I hope your friend does well. My prayers go out to everyone.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

It would be a wonderful dream to have this thread die but we live in a world that is not perfect.

In a world full of pain and sorrow it's good to know there is somewhere we can go without being judged or blamed. I used to be told that it was my fault (being abused) and that I had to accept, learn and understand his actions.

To live a life filled with abuse (metal, emotional or physical) is not to live life to its fullest. I learned the meaning of happiness and came to realize "it was not my fault" when someone came into my life and gently, lovingly nutured me and keeps nuturing me whenever I fall back.

Thank you Gil for starting this thread...without you and everyone here the pain we hold deep inside would not be set free. We have a place to meet, speak and help one another in a special way...we all know what it's like and we know how it feels.

We are not alone...we need not keep our feelings and pain locked deep down inside anymore! May the tears, anger, frustration and confusion be set free and our souls find happiness.

 

[wicked woman]

We are not alone...we need not keep our feelings and pain locked deep down inside anymore! May the tears, anger, frustration and confusion be set free and our souls find happiness.

I'll second that....well said shadow dreamer.

 

[kikmosa]

MISSING KIKI


My heart is saddened with not knowing where & how my dear friend is

Dearest Gil (and everyone else),

I'm doing good here. I just don't have a lot of access to the net. We're trying to get a hub to set up but for now only one computer at a time can be hooked up. And since he uses his for school work that's the one that gets it. I also need to get a net card since the one I have in my computer isn't compatable. The only time I can get net is when he's not here and since I end up having to go with him most of the time it's not often.

Things are cooling off here and the trees are coming alive with color. Stunning crimsons and bright yellows everywhere you look. The sun shining through the leaves is so beautiful. And every evening the fields are full of deer. You can be driving down the highway and the trees will open up and you'll see a huge rolling field of green grass framed by trees in blazing colors with herds of deer grazing in the grass. Sometimes there are flocks of canadian geese passing over. A truely awesome sight.

I'm meeting people at his school but so far only to say hi to when they pass. They seem like nice people but I just don't have a lot in common with them. Everyone talks mathmatics all the time and I'm just not good at math. But I'm sure I'll meet some one eventually.

Gil, I do hope your getting better. Your in my prayers every day. I pray for everyone here but you especially you. Please take care of yourself. I'll try to be back on soon.

Kiki

 

[Noor]

falling back into the abyss

 

[kikmosa]

falling back into the abyss

Is there anything I can do to help you out of that abyss?

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by kikmosa
Is there anything I can do to help you out of that abyss?

Same here

 

[Bandit58]

Kiki honey lovely to see you back I've missed you

((((((Noor))))))
Please, let us help you....that's what we're here for.....

 

[kikmosa]

Kiki honey lovely to see you back I've missed you

((((((Noor))))))
Please, let us help you....that's what we're here for.....

Hello Bandit. It's nice to drop back in now and then. How are you doing? Hope Mr. Butthead isn't giving you any more trouble, lol.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi Kiki
Mr Butthead (hehe ) is behaving himself since the spazz he threw at me three weeks ago. The couple of times I've had contact with him he's been civil, and my daughter says his moods have lessened and he's much easier to get along with. Fingers crossed all continues to go along in this way, though things could get difficult again in 6 months when I intend to file the divorce papers. However we will take things as they come......

Hope you can manage to get more net time, you are missed around here *hugs*

 

[Noor]

Thanks Kiki, Wicked Woman and Bandit.

I don't know. It is hard to explain, everything seems to be coming back up and overwhelming me. This is my first day off in more than a month, I had plans but instead I skipped my class this morning, never left the house.

Don't want to be in the position of being told something and my having to decide whether to believe it or not.

I know who/what set it off, but I don't know what to do about it, so I am not doing anything, literally. Kind of frozen.