How do you help someone get over being abused

[kikmosa]

((((((Kiki)))))

Thanks hon I'll do me best.....

I truely do hope the two of you have the most wonderful time. Both of you deserve it so much.
(((((Bandit)))))
(((((Gil)))))

 

[Gil_T2]

Just stopping in to say hello and see how my favorite aussie is doing. Good to see you in such good spirits Gil...

Have a good one friend.

Hi stranger nice to see you drop by....give me a PM & let me know how your doing, how are the studies going?

 

[Gil_T2]

*HUGS* I promise not to wear you out TOO much.......

 

[Gil_T2]

I truely do hope the two of you have the most wonderful time. Both of you deserve it so much.
(((((Bandit)))))
(((((Gil)))))

Just having someone to snuggle up with will be great & everything else is a bonus.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
Just having someone to snuggle up with will be great & everything else is a bonus.

Yup can't agree with you more on that Gil but remember to take your time and savor every moment that way it'll really be fuuuunnnn and then some.

Glad to hear the news...I know how depressed one can get with medical stuff. I ended up in the doc's office during the week in excruciating pain, barely able to walk and in tears and now I have morphine tabs plus another muscle relaxant prescribed on top of the other one I'm already taking, a week supply of steroids; wonder if I'd get musckles, as Popeye says, from this? My SO wants me to stay home from work and just rest until I get the doc to schedule the surgery (which is driving us nuts waiting) but I'm one of those who just can't keep still and do nothing unless I'm too medicated which is getting to the point where I don't feel as if I am and that's dangerous.

Anyway, love to all and until later....shadow

 

[Gil_T2]

Yup can't agree with you more on that Gil but remember to take your time and savor every moment that way it'll really be fuuuunnnn and then some.

Glad to hear the news...I know how depressed one can get with medical stuff. I ended up in the doc's office during the week in excruciating pain, barely able to walk and in tears and now I have morphine tabs plus another muscle relaxant prescribed on top of the other one I'm already taking, a week supply of steroids; wonder if I'd get musckles, as Popeye says, from this? My SO wants me to stay home from work and just rest until I get the doc to schedule the surgery (which is driving us nuts waiting) but I'm one of those who just can't keep still and do nothing unless I'm too medicated which is getting to the point where I don't feel as if I am and that's dangerous.

Anyway, love to all and until later....shadow

I too know of the depression health can cause & it has been the support of frinds on LIT & my really close friend in R/L even though my R/L friend hardly gets the chance to visit now.

LOL about the musckles as I'm on an EPO ( the stuff the Chinese women swimmers were busted using when they appeared looking like Amazon women) yet no muskles for me either.

wishing you a pain free life.
Rob/Gil

 

[Bandit58]

Yup can't agree with you more on that Gil but remember to take your time and savor every moment that way it'll really be fuuuunnnn and then some.

Glad to hear the news...I know how depressed one can get with medical stuff. I ended up in the doc's office during the week in excruciating pain, barely able to walk and in tears and now I have morphine tabs plus another muscle relaxant prescribed on top of the other one I'm already taking, a week supply of steroids; wonder if I'd get musckles, as Popeye says, from this? My SO wants me to stay home from work and just rest until I get the doc to schedule the surgery (which is driving us nuts waiting) but I'm one of those who just can't keep still and do nothing unless I'm too medicated which is getting to the point where I don't feel as if I am and that's dangerous.

Anyway, love to all and until later....shadow

Soft gentle *HUGS* for shadow

Hope you can get your surgery scheduled soon as possible, I sometimes wish the big wigs higher up could spend a week in the patients' shoes so then they'd know how it feels and things might happen faster for those who have to wait in pain Sounds like you have a very caring SO too.....take care hon

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Thank you Gil and Bandit for your kindness. Yes I do have a caring SO and I'm thankful and lucky to have him. As for friends not visiting that's true; it's sad how some people say "call me...tell me what I can do...what can I do to help" when you know they're just saying it. Surely I may sound harsh and perhaps they mean well but hey like my SO says "don't say it unless you mean it" and I agree.

I'm having a problem with eating...constantly wanting to munch on something or other because of one of my meds and that sure isn't a good thing.

Bandit you're absolutely right about having these higher ups, docs walking in our shoes. One doc is very compassionate and knows when she sees tears in my eyes and my blood pressure is super high that I'm in pain and she tries her best to do what she can. Hopefully she can talk to the neurosurgeon so I can have the surgery at least before christmas...my SO plans to take some time off to take care of me so my sister doesn't have to.

Wish me luck...oh and Gil don't count down the days to seeing your playmate too much because it'll make the days seem longer and drags along. Anticipation is a wonderful but at time frustrating thing.

Love and Aloha, Shadow

 

[wicked woman]

Just a gentle bump...hoping everyone is well.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank you Gil and Bandit for your kindness. Yes I do have a caring SO and I'm thankful and lucky to have him. As for friends not visiting that's true; it's sad how some people say "call me...tell me what I can do...what can I do to help" when you know they're just saying it. Surely I may sound harsh and perhaps they mean well but hey like my SO says "don't say it unless you mean it" and I agree.

I'm having a problem with eating...constantly wanting to munch on something or other because of one of my meds and that sure isn't a good thing.

Bandit you're absolutely right about having these higher ups, docs walking in our shoes. One doc is very compassionate and knows when she sees tears in my eyes and my blood pressure is super high that I'm in pain and she tries her best to do what she can. Hopefully she can talk to the neurosurgeon so I can have the surgery at least before christmas...my SO plans to take some time off to take care of me so my sister doesn't have to.

Wish me luck...oh and Gil don't count down the days to seeing your playmate too much because it'll make the days seem longer and drags along. Anticipation is a wonderful but at time frustrating thing.

Love and Aloha, Shadow

I just wish there was a way to help you get through this all but unlike many others you have a SO who is there for you, be strong.
To late to tell me not to count the days now but it is down to 30 days before we meet.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just a gentle bump...hoping everyone is well.

I'll join Wicked Woman for another BUMP too.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
I just wish there was a way to help you get through this all but unlike many others you have a SO who is there for you, be strong.
To late to tell me not to count the days now but it is down to 30 days before we meet.

Just a teenie bump from Hawaii - now that I'm home from work (the doc put me on leave until further notice - surgery and such) I will be probably go nuts since I want to do things.

Ah being strong...that's one thing I learned how to be when I finally took the step of ending 17 years of hell with my ex. Althought I may get depressed and such I have someone to cheer me up or tries to anyway.

Well time to take meds, rest and get off of my tush and feet...until later this weekend...lots of love to all.

 

[LilbHoney]

How To Help Abused Move On

I was sexually and mentally abused as a child by my father. It took a lot of time figuring this out. However, it DOES begin with forgiving yourself. I realized that once I forgave myself I could move on to the next step(s). Forgiving them for the sickness that made them such monsters.

I know a lot of people are yelling and screaming how can you forgive such monsters but YOU MUST FOR SELF PRESERVATION.
It is NOT about the monster, it's ABOUT THE ABUSED.

Stop playing and being the victim in it and begin to move toward forgiveness. You've already survived the hardest toughest part.

I could go on and on but it's not necessary I believe.

Please know that when my dad died last year .... my greatest revenge on him was he knew I loved him anyway. And through hospice care I was able to get him a priest so he could make his
final confession. I love and miss my dad but the man he was is not missed at all.

Please feel free to email me here ..... lilbhoney@literotica.com

Lil b

 

[jesterjigger]

Well, I wasn't abused so much as molested. So I've always had problems with trust. Things like being fingered make me uncomfortable, but, for some reason, not as much as a guy going down on me does. I need my bf to understand the depths of my trust issues and to alleviate those fears, instead of doing things that just feed them.

I used to be able to orgasm every time during sex, until my bf asked if I had cheated on him. This was because I was a virgin until being with him and one weekend decided to try being on top. Since then it's been pretty much impossible, so I would say watch your step. I don't mean avoid members of the opposite sex, but don't flirt with other women.

Cuddling helps, and so does being able to talk about it. It's nice to have someone to talk about anything with, and it's helped me deal with the anger I still feel toward my parents, especially my dad, for letting it happen. Just be there for them, willing to listen and it will help.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: How To Help Abused Move On

I was sexually and mentally abused as a child by my father. It took a lot of time figuring this out. However, it DOES begin with forgiving yourself. I realized that once I forgave myself I could move on to the next step(s). Forgiving them for the sickness that made them such monsters.

I know a lot of people are yelling and screaming how can you forgive such monsters but YOU MUST FOR SELF PRESERVATION.
It is NOT about the monster, it's ABOUT THE ABUSED.

Stop playing and being the victim in it and begin to move toward forgiveness. You've already survived the hardest toughest part.

I could go on and on but it's not necessary I believe.

Please know that when my dad died last year .... my greatest revenge on him was he knew I loved him anyway. And through hospice care I was able to get him a priest so he could make his
final confession. I love and miss my dad but the man he was is not missed at all.

Please feel free to email me here ..... lilbhoney@literotica.com

Lil b

Thanks for posting LILBHONEY as you show you have taken steps to rise above your horrid past (horrid as with any abuse).I
n sure others here will see hope or a way towards hope of ridding their demons of the past, although I think the demons only get sedated as I know mine are still there but well under control.

 

[Gil_T2]

Well, I wasn't abused so much as molested. So I've always had problems with trust. Things like being fingered make me uncomfortable, but, for some reason, not as much as a guy going down on me does. I need my bf to understand the depths of my trust issues and to alleviate those fears, instead of doing things that just feed them.

I used to be able to orgasm every time during sex, until my bf asked if I had cheated on him. This was because I was a virgin until being with him and one weekend decided to try being on top. Since then it's been pretty much impossible, so I would say watch your step. I don't mean avoid members of the opposite sex, but don't flirt with other women.

Cuddling helps, and so does being able to talk about it. It's nice to have someone to talk about anything with, and it's helped me deal with the anger I still feel toward my parents, especially my dad, for letting it happen. Just be there for them, willing to listen and it will help.

MOLESTATION IS ABUSE......
Why you may ask & my answer is your rights were ABUSED & that is that.I think reading the post above yours might help you with the hatred you feel towards your parents.

TRUST is the one common thing with ALL abused ppl & one of the hardest to overcome, BUT with a little effort & maturity of your partner/SO it will be broken in time, as with all relationships TRUST, being honest & open all help.

Please feel free to post here even to say HI.

 

[Bandit58]

It's 18 months since I left my husband. He was never physically violent towards me or the kids but he did have an explosive temper if anything pissed him off. I have seen him throw a sheep onto the ground and kick it several times in the head.....

I have bad dreams occasionally, had one the other night in fact. I remember it clearly this time, more often than not I wake up with my heart thumping and can't remember but this one.......he and I were in this house that I'd never seen before, he was standing in front of the door and wouldn't let me out. I knew he wanted to have sex with me and what I remember most is feeling fear and revulsion and wanting to escape........

The dreams are getting further apart now, that was the first one I'd had in over a month. I don't know what sets them off, I haven't even spoken to my ex in over 2 weeks. I've gotten over being angry now I feel sorry for him, because unless he changes his attitude drastically he's never going to find someone else.....but that's his problem not mine.....

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Bandit58
It's 18 months since I left my husband. He was never physically violent towards me or the kids but he did have an explosive temper if anything pissed him off. I have seen him throw a sheep onto the ground and kick it several times in the head.....

I have bad dreams occasionally, had one the other night in fact. I remember it clearly this time, more often than not I wake up with my heart thumping and can't remember but this one.......he and I were in this house that I'd never seen before, he was standing in front of the door and wouldn't let me out. I knew he wanted to have sex with me and what I remember most is feeling fear and revulsion and wanting to escape........

The dreams are getting further apart now, that was the first one I'd had in over a month. I don't know what sets them off, I haven't even spoken to my ex in over 2 weeks. I've gotten over being angry now I feel sorry for him, because unless he changes his attitude drastically he's never going to find someone else.....but that's his problem not mine.....

Bad dreams are a part of healing. I know it sounds a bit off the wall bandit but I went through that and as I was/am told "it's only a dream, don't let it get to you." Easier said than done when it gets to the very heart of you and brings about uncertaintly.

I used to think my former would never find another with his explosive attitude also and that he can't keep his pants zipped but he has but he has or so he says to my sister. what happens with our formers is no longer our concern. Sure we like to hear what's going on but it's best to just not - I've found it easier to move on and my bad dreams have lessened since I've reached a point of not wanting to know, hear or listen to anything concerning my ex. It sounds cold hearted but I'm not angry and I was feeling sorry for him but now I am my own person who has a new life and perhaps you should try that too.

Have a good weekend...time for me to lay down...my back is really getting bad and I can't sit up, walk or stand more than 15 minutes now without ending up in pain or tears. Don't like taking too much morphine pills so I'm trying to "grin and bear it" so to speak but I know it's not good. Oh well, I'm stubborn, what can I say.

Aloha everyone, hugggggssss and smoooooches from Hawaii,

Shadow

 

[Gil_T2]

It's 18 months since I left my husband. He was never physically violent towards me or the kids but he did have an explosive temper if anything pissed him off. I have seen him throw a sheep onto the ground and kick it several times in the head.....

I have bad dreams occasionally, had one the other night in fact. I remember it clearly this time, more often than not I wake up with my heart thumping and can't remember but this one.......he and I were in this house that I'd never seen before, he was standing in front of the door and wouldn't let me out. I knew he wanted to have sex with me and what I remember most is feeling fear and revulsion and wanting to escape........

The dreams are getting further apart now, that was the first one I'd had in over a month. I don't know what sets them off, I haven't even spoken to my ex in over 2 weeks. I've gotten over being angry now I feel sorry for him, because unless he changes his attitude drastically he's never going to find someone else.....but that's his problem not mine.....

Oh BANDIT...I send big hugs for you as with most of what happens influences us one way or another & all I can say is it will get less & less often in the future

As for him finding another lady well from what i've seen in the past they don't change & yet still find another partner.

REMEMBER that there ARE good ppl who care about you, just look at the friends you now have just here on LIT !

 

[Gil_T2]

Bad dreams are a part of healing. I know it sounds a bit off the wall bandit but I went through that and as I was/am told "it's only a dream, don't let it get to you." Easier said than done when it gets to the very heart of you and brings about uncertaintly.

I used to think my former would never find another with his explosive attitude also and that he can't keep his pants zipped but he has but he has or so he says to my sister. what happens with our formers is no longer our concern. Sure we like to hear what's going on but it's best to just not - I've found it easier to move on and my bad dreams have lessened since I've reached a point of not wanting to know, hear or listen to anything concerning my ex. It sounds cold hearted but I'm not angry and I was feeling sorry for him but now I am my own person who has a new life and perhaps you should try that too.

Have a good weekend...time for me to lay down...my back is really getting bad and I can't sit up, walk or stand more than 15 minutes now without ending up in pain or tears. Don't like taking too much morphine pills so I'm trying to "grin and bear it" so to speak but I know it's not good. Oh well, I'm stubborn, what can I say.

Aloha everyone, hugggggssss and smoooooches from Hawaii,

Shadow

I used to be on a committee that my ex's cousin was on & she thought it her right to tell me what was happening with the ex until I had a dummy spit & told her "I don't care who,what or where she is". I never got another word from her about the ex.

My statement shocked me as I'm not one for agry outbursts EVER.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
I used to be on a committee that my ex's cousin was on & she thought it her right to tell me what was happening with the ex until I had a dummy spit & told her "I don't care who,what or where she is". I never got another word from her about the ex.

My statement shocked me as I'm not one for agry outbursts EVER.

Others don't understand what it's like for ppl like us and they think we want to know what's happening untilwe tell them. But then again it may take a few times before it sinks in. Also we may want to just speak our minds and in the end it kind of makes us wonder where this came from - our outbursts but it happens and it's not something we normally do but others just seem to egg us on.

Anyway, take care all and until later...hang in there because the pain, bad dreams and frustration lessens with time...we just have to have patience and not let it take control of our lives because it sure isn't worth it.

We all support you and we're here for you in many ways...our thoughts, prayers and hearts.

Love,
Shadow

 

[Bandit58]

Oh BANDIT...I send big hugs for you as with most of what happens influences us one way or another & all I can say is it will get less & less often in the future

As for him finding another lady well from what i've seen in the past they don't change & yet still find another partner.

REMEMBER that there ARE good ppl who care about you, just look at the friends you now have just here on LIT !

(((((((Gil)))))))

It is happening less and less, but when it does I think of the positive things I have in my life now..... Good friends are a huge part of that, especially the friends I have made since I joined Lit, just over a year ago. I've been able to use the boards and especially this thread as therapy (cheaper than paying a counsellor ) and have learned so much about myself in the process.

((((((shadow))))))

It is a little different because our daughter lives with him and what his moods are has an effect on her, so I do like to know a little of what's going on.....but in a couple more years she'll be out in the big wide world and then I won't give a damn.....

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Bandit58
(((((((Gil)))))))

It is happening less and less, but when it does I think of the positive things I have in my life now..... Good friends are a huge part of that, especially the friends I have made since I joined Lit, just over a year ago. I've been able to use the boards and especially this thread as therapy (cheaper than paying a counsellor ) and have learned so much about myself in the process.

((((((shadow))))))

It is a little different because our daughter lives with him and what his moods are has an effect on her, so I do like to know a little of what's going on.....but in a couple more years she'll be out in the big wide world and then I won't give a damn.....

I'm sorry I forgot about your daughter...it's sad that he affects her but at least you do like to know a little of what's goiing on unlike some women here I know who don't give a damn although the ex has the child(ren)...they're logic from what I'm told is "they're with him, they aren't my concern so what" kind of attitude It behooves (?) me to have such thinking when they carried the child for nine months and all.

I hope his moods don't affect her badly where it clouds her day and outlook on all men and that it gives her the strength she'll need when she goes out into the world in a couple of years. What matters is your daughter and it's tragic how he doesn't give a damn or realize what he's doing to her emotionally.

My co-worker has an ex that is really verbally abusive and dioesn't care what he says to his daughters (about themselves and their mother) and well let's just say he really takes it out on one daughter (they have 3). The summer during their visit he went too far. The end result the daughter fought back verbally and physically after he yelled, called her names and beat the crap out of her for defending her mother - the cops did nothing when she called them a number of times. What got to me was the fact that the cops ended up calling my office (I work for a local Harbor Enforcement office) and to hear what they said in the message they left got me very upset - they actually blamed the kid for everything, can you believe that? I was able to hear both sides of the story along with the other daughters and neighbors stories of the incident. The kid had a bloody lip and black eye and they did nothing as far as he was concerned despite what the witnesses reported...go figure! The kid wanted to file charges and to come home but to no avail and he hid her airline tickets and kept her and the rest of the girls an extra week (which meant they missed the first week of school). Of course we intervened from our end and eventually he returned the girls 2 days later.

Hang in there and remember there are ppl who care and love you

Aloha,

Shadow

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm sorry I forgot about your daughter...it's sad that he affects her but at least you do like to know a little of what's goiing on unlike some women here I know who don't give a damn although the ex has the child(ren)...they're logic from what I'm told is "they're with him, they aren't my concern so what" kind of attitude It behooves (?) me to have such thinking when they carried the child for nine months and all.

I hope his moods don't affect her badly where it clouds her day and outlook on all men and that it gives her the strength she'll need when she goes out into the world in a couple of years. What matters is your daughter and it's tragic how he doesn't give a damn or realize what he's doing to her emotionally.

My co-worker has an ex that is really verbally abusive and dioesn't care what he says to his daughters (about themselves and their mother) and well let's just say he really takes it out on one daughter (they have 3). The summer during their visit he went too far. The end result the daughter fought back verbally and physically after he yelled, called her names and beat the crap out of her for defending her mother - the cops did nothing when she called them a number of times. What got to me was the fact that the cops ended up calling my office (I work for a local Harbor Enforcement office) and to hear what they said in the message they left got me very upset - they actually blamed the kid for everything, can you believe that? I was able to hear both sides of the story along with the other daughters and neighbors stories of the incident. The kid had a bloody lip and black eye and they did nothing as far as he was concerned despite what the witnesses reported...go figure! The kid wanted to file charges and to come home but to no avail and he hid her airline tickets and kept her and the rest of the girls an extra week (which meant they missed the first week of school). Of course we intervened from our end and eventually he returned the girls 2 days later.

Hang in there and remember there are ppl who care and love you

Aloha,

Shadow

I may not have carried my daughter for 9 months but she is always on my mind even when she's on one of her GO MISSING things where she vanishes from a few days to years, YES I have spanked her over the years but only to get her to realise that her actions were not right.I love my daughter as any father should & now I'm a grandad with a loverly gran daughter & granson my heart has bonded with them too (I just love them giving me cuddles).

 

[Bandit58]

I'm sorry I forgot about your daughter...it's sad that he affects her but at least you do like to know a little of what's goiing on unlike some women here I know who don't give a damn although the ex has the child(ren)...they're logic from what I'm told is "they're with him, they aren't my concern so what" kind of attitude It behooves (?) me to have such thinking when they carried the child for nine months and all.

I hope his moods don't affect her badly where it clouds her day and outlook on all men and that it gives her the strength she'll need when she goes out into the world in a couple of years. What matters is your daughter and it's tragic how he doesn't give a damn or realize what he's doing to her emotionally.

My co-worker has an ex that is really verbally abusive and dioesn't care what he says to his daughters (about themselves and their mother) and well let's just say he really takes it out on one daughter (they have 3). The summer during their visit he went too far. The end result the daughter fought back verbally and physically after he yelled, called her names and beat the crap out of her for defending her mother - the cops did nothing when she called them a number of times. What got to me was the fact that the cops ended up calling my office (I work for a local Harbor Enforcement office) and to hear what they said in the message they left got me very upset - they actually blamed the kid for everything, can you believe that? I was able to hear both sides of the story along with the other daughters and neighbors stories of the incident. The kid had a bloody lip and black eye and they did nothing as far as he was concerned despite what the witnesses reported...go figure! The kid wanted to file charges and to come home but to no avail and he hid her airline tickets and kept her and the rest of the girls an extra week (which meant they missed the first week of school). Of course we intervened from our end and eventually he returned the girls 2 days later.

Hang in there and remember there are ppl who care and love you

Aloha,

Shadow

Even though she's not living in my house she's always in my heart She only has to ring me if she needs anything and I'm there. It was her choice to stay on the farm and she copes extremely well with the moods (she tells him to "Get over it" and leaves him to get on with it). She also has aunties and uncles and cousins nearby for time out and support. Once she gets her drivers licence it will give her more independence too. She's doing well in school and has self discipline (off her own bat has been going to after school tutorials before the exams which are in a few weeks). Am I proud? HELL YEAH