How do you help someone get over being abused

[wicked woman]

AvaAdore...glad you found this thread...this is exactly what it's meant for.

Your bf is lucky to have such a good friend in you. I'm not an expert in these matters but it sounds to me like your bf might benefit from having someone professional to talk to. He seems to be making progress in dealing with his abuse and the events of his life but could use more help. He needs to continue to do some more work on himself which in turn will also help your relationship. Stick by him...continue to support him and work on your relationship...but encourage him to get some outside help.

As for your relationship, continue to talk to him...so he understands both your emotions and how his actions are affecting you. I think if he betrays your trust he needs to expect to need to earn it back. Good luck to you both.

 

[AvaAdore]

AvaAdore...glad you found this thread...this is exactly what it's meant for.

Your bf is lucky to have such a good friend in you. I'm not an expert in these matters but it sounds to me like your bf might benefit from having someone professional to talk to. He seems to be making progress in dealing with his abuse and the events of his life but could use more help. He needs to continue to do some more work on himself which in turn will also help your relationship. Stick by him...continue to support him and work on your relationship...but encourage him to get some outside help.

As for your relationship, continue to talk to him...so he understands both your emotions and how his actions are affecting you. I think if he betrays your trust he needs to expect to need to earn it back. Good luck to you both.

yes, he definately knows he needs to earn the trust back.

as for getting outside help, he's willing to do something together, but he doesnt really like counselors as he never found them effective at all. however, he never told them of the abuse, so of course they're not going to know what the problem is and how to help him!

we actually came up with something that may or may not be successful. we have talks where i guess i play the counselor. it's hard to get him to talk about his past. he finds it very uncomfortable. i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to do. we just talk. he tells me about stuff and i respond here and there. he says he prefers me to a counselor who is just a stranger. there must be some sort of group around here where victims can talk, it's just a matter of finding it. there are a number of them around, but every one i have seen is exclusively for women.

it's possible that men dont come out and talk about abuse nearly as much as women because there are very few places where they can get support.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by AvaAdore
yes, he definately knows he needs to earn the trust back.

as for getting outside help, he's willing to do something together, but he doesnt really like counselors as he never found them effective at all. however, he never told them of the abuse, so of course they're not going to know what the problem is and how to help him!

we actually came up with something that may or may not be successful. we have talks where i guess i play the counselor. it's hard to get him to talk about his past. he finds it very uncomfortable. i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to do. we just talk. he tells me about stuff and i respond here and there. he says he prefers me to a counselor who is just a stranger. there must be some sort of group around here where victims can talk, it's just a matter of finding it. there are a number of them around, but every one i have seen is exclusively for women.

it's possible that men dont come out and talk about abuse nearly as much as women because there are very few places where they can get support.

Ava PM Bandit58 and ask her about facilities in NZ (she's at the Aussie Get Together today but she'll get back to you I'm sure). I'm sure there must be something. I'm in Canada and used to volunteer at a Sexual Assault Crisis Centre and while yes the majority of people calling were women we also talked to men. I don't know that it's the organizations that won't talk to men or that it's just preceived that way.

I understand that it's difficult for him to talk to a stranger and that talking to you is easier but hon you're not trained to be able to help him. Maybe your role in addition to caring and supporting him is to help make it easier so he can talk to a counsellor.

Any way, good luck to both of you.

 

[Gil_T2]

yes, he definately knows he needs to earn the trust back.

as for getting outside help, he's willing to do something together, but he doesnt really like counselors as he never found them effective at all. however, he never told them of the abuse, so of course they're not going to know what the problem is and how to help him!

we actually came up with something that may or may not be successful. we have talks where i guess i play the counselor. it's hard to get him to talk about his past. he finds it very uncomfortable. i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to do. we just talk. he tells me about stuff and i respond here and there. he says he prefers me to a counselor who is just a stranger. there must be some sort of group around here where victims can talk, it's just a matter of finding it. there are a number of them around, but every one i have seen is exclusively for women.

it's possible that men dont come out and talk about abuse nearly as much as women because there are very few places where they can get support.

It really is sad hearing of abuse in any way but when it's by family who are meant to love & care for them i think it is worse, fist of all you must check your phone directory for rape/abuse help lines as you & her can remain anonymous making it easier for him to actually talk as freely as possible about what he's been through (I know these phone numbers appear in the Australian directorys & sure they must every where), then he must be willing to tell all otherwise there not able to help ( it's like going to the doctors & only telling him bits of whats ailing you & asking for his diagnosis).

BANDIT is with me in AUSTRALIA at the moment so can't lead you to any NZ phone help lines so please start with your local one to get things headed in the right way, another idea is do a google search for NZ help lines.

As for your being not given the respect of the safe word it is perfectly understandable that you have lost trust in him, in BDSM it is an absolute MUST that the safe word is respected IMMEDIATELY.

 

[Schaedelschaden]

Gil_T2, you are gentleman and a scholar. I've been reading your post heavily recently and I'm in complete agreement with you. A woman is a precious thing no matter how many smartass jokes I might make about them. Hell, they'll help me carry on my legacy, so that alone demands my respect. I was also raised by an Englishman and his wife, who taught me manners fit to go before the Queen with. I encourage everyone to keep posting here, I like listening to people's troubles, and I'll honestly try to help you out if you request it of me.

Kudos

 

[wicked woman]

Gil & Bandit...sorry if I directed Ava incorrectly to Bandit...just thought she might have a general idea of the resources in NZ. Your suggestions were much better than mine...

Of course I knew Bandit was with you in Australia Seems like everyone had a great time at the Aussie G & G too.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
ALOHA SD from DOWNUNDER & thankyou for the wiggle & jiggle to the thread.

HOT NEWS STRAIGHT OF THE FAX.......GIL & BANDIT are a couple in R/L now....& I'm one very happy man.

Gil & Bandit

I'm very happy for you and glad you're very happy also. Wish I could have a lil' fun but you know it's a no no for awhile until this lil' body gets repaired, hehehe. Enjoy!


Aloha Noor, Bandit and Wicked!

It's been pouring rain and thunder here in the isles for the past few days and forceasted to continue for most of the remainder of the week ...good weather for some snuggling but my SO's at work I suppose I can wait a few hours eh?

Have fun Gil and Bandit!

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
It really is sad hearing of abuse in any way but when it's by family who are meant to love & care for them i think it is worse, fist of all you must check your phone directory for rape/abuse help lines as you & her can remain anonymous making it easier for him to actually talk as freely as possible about what he's been through (I know these phone numbers appear in the Australian directorys & sure they must every where), then he must be willing to tell all otherwise there not able to help ( it's like going to the doctors & only telling him bits of whats ailing you & asking for his diagnosis).

As for your being not given the respect of the safe word it is perfectly understandable that you have lost trust in him, in BDSM it is an absolute MUST that the safe word is respected IMMEDIATELY.

Once again Gil is correct and I agree wholeheartedly. The willingness to tell all is the first step in the right direction. The help lines that Gil talk about do help and does keep a person anonymous but for something that involves family abuse for that length of time I'm pretty sure they might recommend seeing someone. It's a matter of finding the right person he'll feel comfortable enought to open up and tell all and this takes time and patience.

Not respecting the safe word in BDSM does make a person lose trust in the other (as well as hesitation and perhaps the unwillingness to further the relationship). As Gil says it is an ABSOLUTE MUST that the safe word is respected IMMEDIATELY! The main reason for the safe word is SAFETY.

I know what you're feeling and going through (my ex was in a similar situation while growing up but it involved his friends). He must be willing to seek help and to tell all in order for the healing to begin. As for you it takes patience when he begins and goes through the healing process.



Aloha Noor, Wicked (Gil and Bandit - congrats and enjoy ) from stormy Hawaii

Thunder, flooding and rain for the past 2 days and will be continuing for most of the remainder of the week so if we lose power here (which is typical for the isle during bad storms) I may not be around for a bit . But it's good snuggling weather - soon as my SO get's home from work the snuggling shall begin, hehehe (as limited as it is since I'm still awaiting surgery)

 

[Gil_T2]

Once again Gil is correct and I agree wholeheartedly. The willingness to tell all is the first step in the right direction. The help lines that Gil talk about do help and does keep a person anonymous but for something that involves family abuse for that length of time I'm pretty sure they might recommend seeing someone. It's a matter of finding the right person he'll feel comfortable enought to open up and tell all and this takes time and patience.

Not respecting the safe word in BDSM does make a person lose trust in the other (as well as hesitation and perhaps the unwillingness to further the relationship). As Gil says it is an ABSOLUTE MUST that the safe word is respected IMMEDIATELY! The main reason for the safe word is SAFETY.

I know what you're feeling and going through (my ex was in a similar situation while growing up but it involved his friends). He must be willing to seek help and to tell all in order for the healing to begin. As for you it takes patience when he begins and goes through the healing process.



Aloha Noor, Wicked (Gil and Bandit - congrats and enjoy ) from stormy Hawaii

Thunder, flooding and rain for the past 2 days and will be continuing for most of the remainder of the week so if we lose power here (which is typical for the isle during bad storms) I may not be around for a bit . But it's good snuggling weather - soon as my SO get's home from work the snuggling shall begin, hehehe (as limited as it is since I'm still awaiting surgery)

Hi to all on the thread & SHADOW DREAMER I do hope that the storms arn't to violent on the islands & in particular your area so you can still enjoy your cuddles & snuggles with out worries.
I almost feel guilty being as happy as I am since the wonderful BANDIT came into my life .

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
Hi to all on the thread & SHADOW DREAMER I do hope that the storms arn't to violent on the islands & in particular your area so you can still enjoy your cuddles & snuggles with out worries.
I almost feel guilty being as happy as I am since the wonderful BANDIT came into my life .

Don't feel guilty hon...just enjoy...you deserve it.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by wicked woman
Don't feel guilty hon...just enjoy...you deserve it.

There is no guilt in enjoying life's pleasure (as wicked said), especially when you deserve it!

Morning everyone (I think it is, hehehe). The storm has finally passed and now the majority are complaining it's to sunny...go figure we humans are never totally satisfied.

Hope everyone is doing fine and will check in later down the road. Take care and keep on smiling and enjoy to your heart's content....

shadow dancing to the groove of life's pleasure

 

[Schaedelschaden]

My gf was abused heavily by her parents when she was little, and she's too shy to look for help outside of me. I've been with her for almsot two years now, giving her love and support and being there for her whenever she needed me. She's still extemely timid now however and it really breaks my heart I want to help her become strong, but I'm not sure how to go about it...

 

[kikmosa]

My gf was abused heavily by her parents when she was little, and she's too shy to look for help outside of me. I've been with her for almsot two years now, giving her love and support and being there for her whenever she needed me. She's still extemely timid now however and it really breaks my heart I want to help her become strong, but I'm not sure how to go about it...

Your doing the right thing, being there for her. Show her love and understanding and give her the support she needs.
She might need to get some outside help. No matter how much we love someone there are things we just can't talk about with them. It's aometimes easier to say those things to someone we don't face every day. But it has to be her choice. Support her if she decides to go but don't try to force her to.
But it really looks like your doing what needs to be done already.

Give her a hug for me and tell her she's not alone.

Kiki

 

[Gil_T2]

My gf was abused heavily by her parents when she was little, and she's too shy to look for help outside of me. I've been with her for almsot two years now, giving her love and support and being there for her whenever she needed me. She's still extemely timid now however and it really breaks my heart I want to help her become strong, but I'm not sure how to go about it...

As KIKI says you are doing the right thing by giving your support & care which does go a long way towards blocking the past memories www.rainn.org is a link that others have posted where help might be found for her or for you to continue to help her, there are others in most places in your local phone directory which offer anomous assistance & direction to help.

Keep up doing you best for your G/F & please let us know how things are.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi to a dear friend (even though it's only on the NET) KIKI it's alway wonderful to see you posting & hope that all is well in your life or should I say NEW LIFE.

So how are things in the bigger world after your small town prior life it must be exciting discovering things you didn't know existed before.

 

[autumn_moon]

Physical abuse is soooo easy to deal with....

 

[Gil_T2]

Physical abuse is soooo easy to deal with....

AUTUMN MOON I'm very glad to see your post here as it shows your still with us & I hope you are seeking professional help in your dealing with your problems.


????????????? AUTUMN MOON although I haven't been physically abused the ppl who have will heavely disagree with you & the physical abuse is only part of the abusers method of control as the mental is combined with the physical to claim total control of the person being abused.

 

[Schaedelschaden]

Thx Gil and Kiki...I've been with her for about two years now and she's getting better, but she's still not up to the point that I'd hoped I'd have her at this poitn in time. I'm willing ro stay with her and help her though, because there's nothing more important to me than the well being of partners. Thanx for the help and support

 

[Noor]

AUTUMN MOON I'm very glad to see your post here as it shows your still with us & I hope you are seeking professional help in your dealing with your problems.


????????????? AUTUMN MOON although I haven't been physically abused the ppl who have will heavely disagree with you & the physical abuse is only part of the abusers method of control as the mental is combined with the physical to claim total control of the person being abused.

Having experienced both, I understand what autumnmoon means. Physical abuse you can see happening, you have the bruises, broken bones , whatever to look at and tell you, yes, this really happened.
Nothing the abuser can do to convince you that they didn't throw that hot frying pan at you, which missed but destroyed the tape deck, no possible way to misinterprete that, or the permanent marks of the back of the front door from your abuser whipping things down the stairs at you.
You can take pictures to remind yourself, your friends and relatives can't tell you that you must be overreacting because that hand print on your arm and face says it all.
That is why physical abusers always tell you how sorry they are, that they love you, and if only.... they would have never done it. Sometimes they even promise that it will never happen again, but the main point regardless of what excuse they give is that they did it, they acknowledge that they physically hurt you because there is physical evidence that they can't escape.
Whereas emotional abusers never admit that anything happened, you just didn't understand, you are over reacting, too sensitive, "normal" people in "normal" relationships don't react that way, you must not care about me, they basically deny that they have done anything to hurt or abuse you, any thing you might feel from their behavior is not their responsibilty.
People who use emotional abuse alone can get away with so much more, usually the victim gets blamed not the abuser.
In driving someone to suicide rather than beating them to death, the abuser gets pity not jail time.
I can look at the physical scars on my body and I think I survived, I got away and feel nothing but positive feelings, but when I am in a relationship and the person withholds communication and affection, I am reminded of the past when that was used as a means to hurt, control and/or punish me. It takes everything I have to not fall into the abyss again, especially when I realize that is exactly what they are doing.

 

[cuddlylover]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

i was abused sexualy from the time i was 6 years old untill i was almost 15...during that time by the same person i was also physicaly abused anyways it is something i will never ever get over but my current other half...has helped me very much just by understanding that things need to be taken slowly and does not try to push me to do anything at all...anyways thats the best way i can think to answer your question basing things from my experiance...just try to understand what has happened and take things slowly dont push anything..seems i have repeated myself there sorry for that

 

[Gil_T2]

Thx Gil and Kiki...I've been with her for about two years now and she's getting better, but she's still not up to the point that I'd hoped I'd have her at this poitn in time. I'm willing ro stay with her and help her though, because there's nothing more important to me than the well being of partners. Thanx for the help and support

I was recently speaking with a 80+ lady friend of my mothers who physically cringed when her gradson was telling a joke which involved him making hitting motions towards her, she told of the abuse she suffered as a 20yo some 60 years earlier & she still had trouble dealing with it so please don't expect her to be feeling "NORMAL".... just keep giving her your love & care & be there for her when & if she needs a shoulder or ear.

 

[Gil_T2]

Physical abuse is soooo easy to deal with....

NOOR....You see much more in AUTUMN MOON's post than I did "PHYSICAL ABUSE IS SO EASY TO DEAL WITH" I can't imagine it ever being easy to deal with & thie things you give as example must still cause you troubles, as I said my abuse was mainly mental so I know that they still return to screw with my thinking when ion relationships with nice, kind caring ladies, yes I know the physical is visable to show what your been through but can't see how it's easy to deal with.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

i was abused sexualy from the time i was 6 years old untill i was almost 15...during that time by the same person i was also physicaly abused anyways it is something i will never ever get over but my current other half...has helped me very much just by understanding that things need to be taken slowly and does not try to push me to do anything at all...anyways thats the best way i can think to answer your question basing things from my experiance...just try to understand what has happened and take things slowly dont push anything..seems i have repeated myself there sorry for that

First of all welcome to the tread & you have a PM from me & you need never say your sorry here as all the regulars know or understand the pain of what you have endured, you words take on extra meaning because they are from a surviver.

Please feel free to return & post anytime on any thing that you feel the need to get out of your system.

 

[sweet T]

Hi all...
just how damaging do you think verbal abuse is...and in front of the 3 yr old?

 

[autumn_moon]

AUTUMN MOON I'm very glad to see your post here as it shows your still with us & I hope you are seeking professional help in your dealing with your problems.


????????????? AUTUMN MOON although I haven't been physically abused the ppl who have will heavely disagree with you & the physical abuse is only part of the abusers method of control as the mental is combined with the physical to claim total control of the person being abused.