How do you help someone get over being abused

[Schaedelschaden]

I was recently speaking with a 80+ lady friend of my mothers who physically cringed when her gradson was telling a joke which involved him making hitting motions towards her, she told of the abuse she suffered as a 20yo some 60 years earlier & she still had trouble dealing with it so please don't expect her to be feeling "NORMAL".... just keep giving her your love & care & be there for her when & if she needs a shoulder or ear.

Well, I never expected her to be "normal" a this pint in time, I was just hoping she'd be a little more outgoing than she currently is. I'm more than happy with her progress, don't get me wrong, but she still keeps things from even me which makes me kind of sad. As I said, I've already been with her for two years, and I'm willing to remain by her side as long as she needs me and wants me.

*whispers* I'm thinking about proposing to her in about two weeks...anyone think this would be a bad idea?

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi all...
just how damaging do you think verbal abuse is...and in front of the 3 yr old?

EXTREEMLY DAMAGING specially with a 3 yo involved as well as this is a learning time for the child & seeing & hearing this sets in their mind as what family is.

 

[Gil_T2]

Well, I never expected her to be "normal" a this pint in time, I was just hoping she'd be a little more outgoing than she currently is. I'm more than happy with her progress, don't get me wrong, but she still keeps things from even me which makes me kind of sad. As I said, I've already been with her for two years, and I'm willing to remain by her side as long as she needs me and wants me.

*whispers* I'm thinking about proposing to her in about two weeks...anyone think this would be a bad idea?

Please continue to be her support & she will when she feels the time is right open up with things she's not telling you now but look at why she isn't bring these things out to you.....the simple fact is it upsets her so much she can't tell you yet, ABUSE causes all types of mental confusion.

As for the whisper....this is something you will know as your in the relationship & we only guessing as to her & your feelings But if your feeling the joy of being with her GO FOR IT & I/we hope it's a lifetime union.

 

[autumn_moon]

Having experienced both, I understand what autumnmoon means. Physical abuse you can see happening, you have the bruises, broken bones , whatever to look at and tell you, yes, this really happened.
Nothing the abuser can do to convince you that they didn't throw that hot frying pan at you, which missed but destroyed the tape deck, no possible way to misinterprete that, or the permanent marks of the back of the front door from your abuser whipping things down the stairs at you.
You can take pictures to remind yourself, your friends and relatives can't tell you that you must be overreacting because that hand print on your arm and face says it all.
That is why physical abusers always tell you how sorry they are, that they love you, and if only.... they would have never done it. Sometimes they even promise that it will never happen again, but the main point regardless of what excuse they give is that they did it, they acknowledge that they physically hurt you because there is physical evidence that they can't escape.
Whereas emotional abusers never admit that anything happened, you just didn't understand, you are over reacting, too sensitive, "normal" people in "normal" relationships don't react that way, you must not care about me, they basically deny that they have done anything to hurt or abuse you, any thing you might feel from their behavior is not their responsibilty.
People who use emotional abuse alone can get away with so much more, usually the victim gets blamed not the abuser.
In driving someone to suicide rather than beating them to death, the abuser gets pity not jail time.
I can look at the physical scars on my body and I think I survived, I got away and feel nothing but positive feelings, but when I am in a relationship and the person withholds communication and affection, I am reminded of the past when that was used as a means to hurt, control and/or punish me. It takes everything I have to not fall into the abyss again, especially when I realize that is exactly what they are doing.

.

 

[autumn_moon]

[No message]

 

[wicked woman]

Hope you're ok autumn moon.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hope you're ok autumn moon.

I too hope your OK & would like you to at least say so in a post that isn't delited before I/we see it.

 

[TigerClaw]

Ok I admit defeat in this area

I thought I would be a good influence. But you need some kind of training, experience or intuition to help someone on this topic.

I now believe I am severly lacking in this department.

You have to know your limitations.

 

[wicked woman]

Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Originally posted by TigerClaw
I thought I would be a good influence. But you need some kind of training, experience or intuition to help someone on this topic.

I now believe I am severly lacking in this department.

You have to know your limitations.

Tiger you're not the only one that feels this way. You can love someone, care about someone, want to help and support some one....and they're all good things to do...but sometimes a person also needs professional help. No shame in needing it or realizing you're not capable of providing it. Hope everything goes well...gets better.

 

[Guest]

Love does wonderful things.

I was married for a long time to someone who didn't appreciate me, who never told me he loved me or found me attractive, who, if I attempted to say no to sex, would get angry and sulk for days and make me feel so guilty that I would give in for the sake of peace. This was my first sexual partner, who date raped me once when he was drunk - to this day I don't think he even remembers it. I had never had an orgasm with him.....I was sexually ignorant and he was too. I didn't even have orgasms from masturbating until I was in my early 20s.

The sexual signal would be the stroke across the top of my head and then his arm would slide round my shoulders. I would immediately stiffen and my heart would sink. I hated his touch.....he would get impatient and make me touch his cock while he held me close to him. I switched myself off.....tried not to feel as he would push into me....but it would hurt, I would lie there and pray that it would be over soon...... I tried to avoid him by staying up late hoping he would be asleep when I came to bed.....I was grateful when I had my period because he left me alone then.....

I finally plucked up the courage and left him 6 months ago. I had vowed that I wouldn't be getting into any relationships for a very long time. I had discovered cybering in the three months before I made the break, and realised what I was missing, I had an intense cyber and phone relationship with a younger guy whom I considered having an affair with, but distance was a factor in that not happening. He remains a good friend to this day though

Three weeks after I moved out I met a guy online. We seemed to click immediately. Within a week I was in love with him and he with me......he's married but it's not a happy relationship. Two months later I drove down to see him. He was aware of my sexual ignorance and what my husband had put me through, but with time, patience, gentleness and love I have discovered that making love is wonderful. I want to do things with him that, if my husband had made me, I would have hated. I feel safe and cherished. Before we made love for the first time he "unmarried" me by removing my wedding ring. One day soon I hope to do the same for him

like set you free.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi skyace4

That relationship didn't last, much as I wanted it to......but he did open doors to much better things because the wonderful guy who started this thread is now my partner in r/l and I'm packing up and getting ready to move to Australia to live with him

I LOVE GIL_T2

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

I thought I would be a good influence. But you need some kind of training, experience or intuition to help someone on this topic.

I now believe I am severly lacking in this department.

You have to know your limitations.

http://www.ericas-designs.com/rapehelp/

http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/WO/00044.html

http://www.abusehelplines.org/World/united_states.htm

http://www2.webmagic.com/abuse.com/

http://www.way2hope.org/sexabuse.htm

The above links are just a few I found & there are others posted through the thread or simply do a search on the subject & read though the results BUT don't give up you will find in time that your efforts to help will be appriciated.

Good luck & please let us know how you go. As I've said before I'm no expert & started the thread to help another LIT user but keep going because I do care as do many others in the site.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi skyace4

That relationship didn't last, much as I wanted it to......but he did open doors to much better things because the wonderful guy who started this thread is now my partner in r/l and I'm packing up and getting ready to move to Australia to live with him

I LOVE GIL_T2

I LOVE BANDIT

& I'm the luckiest guy alive to have the love of this beautiful lady.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Tiger you're not the only one that feels this way. You can love someone, care about someone, want to help and support some one....and they're all good things to do...but sometimes a person also needs professional help. No shame in needing it or realizing you're not capable of providing it. Hope everything goes well...gets better.

Perfect wording dear lady thanks for your help here.

 

[wicked woman]

Re: Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Originally posted by Gil_T2
Perfect wording dear lady thanks for your help here.

Well hey someone has to look in while you and Bandit are all lovey dovey in between the spanks Nah just kidding...you know how happy I am for you...just pulling your leg...since I can't pull anything else

 

[TigerClaw]

......

......

 

[BrownEyes26]

Happy holidays

Hey everybody
I frequent this thread quite a bit to see how everybody is doing. Congrats to GIL and Bandit on your relationship.

I wish you all a very happy holiday season and a great new year!!

And for those of you who are lurking, as many people have posted in this thread, there is nothing wrong with you, and you can get help...good luck!!
BE26

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Well hey someone has to look in while you and Bandit are all lovey dovey in between the spanks Nah just kidding...you know how happy I am for you...just pulling your leg...since I can't pull anything else

Oh WICKED WOMAN BANDIT is back in New Zealand packing up & saying her goodbyes to friends & family but dosen't look like she will be able to return till late January so I have to pull ummm my own leg till she returns to our home....I really like the sound of "OUR HOME".

I hope your christmas holds lots of pleasures.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Happy holidays

Hey everybody
I frequent this thread quite a bit to see how everybody is doing. Congrats to GIL and Bandit on your relationship.

I wish you all a very happy holiday season and a great new year!!

And for those of you who are lurking, as many people have posted in this thread, there is nothing wrong with you, and you can get help...good luck!!
BE26

My wishes for a pleasure filled holiday season to all who come to this thread & please return safe & well in the new year, life can & will likely be much better even though you can't see it at the moment, seek help via the net or phone one of the abuse help lines you cna remain un known, PM or email me, I'm no expert I just care & I,BANDIT & KIKI are examples of survivers finding new joys in life, if you don't believe me go back & read KIKI's early posts then see how positive her life is now.

LIVE LIFE......It's is worth the effort, maybe not right now but it will but you must make the moves to escape & seek help.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Tiger you're not the only one that feels this way. You can love someone, care about someone, want to help and support some one....and they're all good things to do...but sometimes a person also needs professional help. No shame in needing it or realizing you're not capable of providing it. Hope everything goes well...gets better.

Dammit, Gil . . . why do therse Canadian women have such spunky avs?? Do you think that they are a true representation of the real thing?? Must be that cold long winter and the need to find ways to keep warm . . . bit different to down here in the sun and sand and surf . . .

 

[wicked woman]

Re: Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Originally posted by Don K Dyck
Dammit, Gil . . . why do therse Canadian women have such spunky avs?? Do you think that they are a true representation of the real thing?? Must be that cold long winter and the need to find ways to keep warm . . . bit different to down here in the sun and sand and surf . . .

oh Gil hon...you've been gone too long...this is like my 5th or 6th Christmas AV...I couldn't decide which I liked best...and there are more to come...you missed the one where I was wrapped up with ribbon as a present....where I was licking a candy cane...where I was holding up a present in front of me *appropriately placed* ...and a few others. Depends what you mean by 'true representation' Every AV I select represents a part of me...spunky eh? hmmm...but none represent my exterior appearance. You are definitely right about the need to keep warm affecting our wicked spirits...mine any way Hope you're well hon. *don't stay away too long, I've got an AV where I'm all tied up with Christmas lights *

 

[wicked woman]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Originally posted by Gil_T2
Oh WICKED WOMAN BANDIT is back in New Zealand packing up & saying her goodbyes to friends & family but dosen't look like she will be able to return till late January so I have to pull ummm my own leg till she returns to our home....I really like the sound of "OUR HOME".

I hope your christmas holds lots of pleasures.

ah of course....I forgot....but end of January is such a short time for her to finalize things and will give her a little extra time to be with her daughter...soon Gil...soon. Yes 'our home' sounds wonderful. Can imagine the smile on your face as you typed it.

Thanks for the holiday wishes hon...know you'll be wishing Bandit was with you....but just think of all the years of Christmases you'll have together.

Browneyes....wishing you and your family a fabulous Christmas

ah and TigerClaw....big hug

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Dammit, Gil . . . why do therse Canadian women have such spunky avs?? Do you think that they are a true representation of the real thing?? Must be that cold long winter and the need to find ways to keep warm . . . bit different to down here in the sun and sand and surf . . .

Yes Don I agree with you as I have spent time in Canada & all the ladies were extreemly nice in personality & I know the WICKED WOMAN nic is only a ploy for a lady with a very SWEET SOUL & KIND HEART which show in her posts.

I think we should set up an exchange system were we can get these loverly ladies downunder so the experience the fun in the sun over the christmas season

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

ah of course....I forgot....but end of January is such a short time for her to finalize things and will give her a little extra time to be with her daughter...soon Gil...soon. Yes 'our home' sounds wonderful. Can imagine the smile on your face as you typed it.

Thanks for the holiday wishes hon...know you'll be wishing Bandit was with you....but just think of all the years of Christmases you'll have together.

Browneyes....wishing you and your family a fabulous Christmas

ah and TigerClaw....big hug

WICKED WOMAN... The best way to describe the joy & happiness I'm feeling is to say that the only other time I've experienced it was when my daughter was born (I was there for the entire 23 hour of waiting for her delivery) & handed to me then when I became a grandad both times. one of my friends called it a shit eatin grin which hasn't left my face since BANDIT & I met in R/L.

 

[wicked woman]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Ok I admit defeat in this area

Originally posted by Gil_T2
Yes Don I agree with you as I have spent time in Canada & all the ladies were extreemly nice in personality & I know the WICKED WOMAN nic is only a ploy for a lady with a very SWEET SOUL & KIND HEART which show in her posts.

I think we should set up an exchange system were we can get these loverly ladies downunder so the experience the fun in the sun over the christmas season

What? And not have snow for Christmas???

Now cut that out Gil....*smack*...you're going to make me blush