Jokes

[32aa]

Two married drinking buddies are out drinking on night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, i don't know what else to do. Whenever i go home after we've been out drinking. I turn the headlights off before i get to the driveway. Shut the engine off and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before i go into the house. Sneak upstairs and get undressed in the bathroom. Then carefully ease into bed and my wife SILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

"I screech in the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bead, rub my hands on my wife's back and say... 'Let's do it.'

"She's always sound asleep."

 

[AG31]

Pessimist: "It can't get any worse..."
Optimist: "Yes, it can!"

Made me laugh out loud.
I don't think it's probably really that funny. But LOL.

 

[StillStunned]

What's brown and sticky?






A stick.

 

[alohadave]

What's brown and sticky?






A stick.

My perennial favorite.

 

[AchtungNight]

My most frequent Male Main Character- "Why are you always fine with me being with other women, Lisa?"

Lisa (his soulmate)- "Because I love the sex we have where I reclaim you afterwards. Threesomes with you and those women are nice too." [grins]

 

[SimonDoom]

From The Dinosaur Joke Book:

Q: How do you make a statute of a dinosaur?

A: It's easy. Just get a block of marble and chip away everything that doesn't look like a dinosaur!

 

[AG31]

From The Dinosaur Joke Book:

Q: How do you make a statute of a dinosaur?

A: It's easy. Just get a block of marble and chip away everything that doesn't look like a dinosaur!

Worthy of sharing. So sophisticated! So complex!!

 

[SimonDoom]

Worthy of sharing. So sophisticated! So complex!!

That's me.

 

[Comshaw]

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."




Comshaw

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Why do mathematicians confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

(Oct 31 - Octal 31 = 3x8 +1; Dec 25 - Decimal 25 = 2x10 + 5; 3x8 + 1 = 2x10 + 5)

...I've found that only mathematicians like this joke.

 

[alohadave]

...I've found that only mathematicians like this joke.

Old school computer techs get it too. Not many learn octal these days though.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Old school computer techs get it too. Not many learn octal these days though.

I still have an Octal calculator hanging around somewhere . . . probably stashed away with my first-gen hand-held programmable that only worked with Reverse Polish Notation. (Btw, I'm neither a computer tech nor a mathematician.)

 

[mildlyaroused]

(I'm probably telling this wrong. My dad told it to me when I was ~10 and I remember it being a lot funnier lmao).

I used to live near a zoo. It was a five minute walk, and half that if you caught the tram. Sometimes when the weather was clear you could hear the siamangs kicking up a fuss all the way from by bedroom.

Anyway, one day we heard over the telly that a junior zookeeper had made a fool of herself and all the gorillas were on the run. The news spread through our neighbourhood like wildfire: those who'd heard the news flitted from door to door to alert anyone who hadn't.

By afternoon the street was a dead zone. Nobody dared be in the open. Every door was closed, every person inside. All of us sick to the stomach with paranoia.

All of us except my neighbour. He was out with a great jar of white powder, sprinkling it around his front yard and driveway.

When I poked my head outside to ask him what he was doing, I was shocked to see him smiling. There was a skip in his step.

"It's magic dust," he told me. "You spread it around the place and it scares away all the gorillas."

"But I don't see any gorillas," I told him. The street was quite empty.

"I know," he said, very happily. "Great stuff, isn't it?"

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Sartre was sitting at a table in the local bistro polishing the draft of "Being and Nothingness."

"What will you have, Monsieur Sartre," asked the waitress.

"A coffee, please," Sartre replied, adding, "no cream."

The waitress was gone quite a while. When she finally returned, she declared,

"Je suis désolé, Monsieur Sartre; I'm so sorry. We are all out of cream; will you take it without milk instead?"

 

[CyranoJ]

[A personal favorite, I can't remember now where I first heard it.]

A small boy of around eleven years of age is loitering on a public street, casually smoking a cigarette.

An elderly man in his eighties is passing by, and finds himself concerned for the lad's wellbeing. He stops near the boy and says: "Little boy. You should know that smoking is very bad for your health."

The boy gives him a level look and says: "My grandpa's lived to be ninety-five."

"Oh?" The elderly man says. "And does your grandpa smoke?"

"No," the boy replies. "He minds his own fucking business."

[It doesn't have anything on Sarah Silverman's version of The Aristocrats joke, though.]

 

[AchtungNight]

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."




Comshaw

If the cop was my most frequent male main character he would nod knowingly at the couple, then slip them a hundred dollars and point out a nearby hotel that is sure to be more comfortable for them than the car.

 

[Comshaw]

How do you catch a wild rabbit?

Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way, unique up on it!



Comshaw

 

[KentLondon]

Did you hear the song recorded by Frank Ifield and Johnny Rotten?

It was called: I Remember You, You Cunt.

 

[Zootonius]

Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump over a barbwire fence?

I was an udder disaster!

 

[Zootonius]

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall.

That's a 3:1 Horatio.

 

[eric_erosfan]

What is the most popular dating app in Alabama?




Ancestry.com

 

[TheLobster]

How many steps does it take to put an elephant in the fridge?
Three: open the fridge door, put in the elephant, close the fridge door.

How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in the fridge?
Four: open the fridge door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the fridge door.

There's a fruit on top of a tall tree. Who will snatch it faster, the elephant or the giraffe?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the fridge.

 

[32aa]

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys remarks to the other, "Boy you look really tired!"

His friend replies, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time! Three, four, or ever six times a night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.

A fellow, in his seventies is sitting a few bar stools down from them and overhears their conversation. He looks over at the two men and showing the wisdom of his age.

"Marry her. That will put an end to that nonsense!"

 

[StillStunned]

This is from the 1980s, and totally politically incorrect. You've been warned.


There's a shipwreck, and the only survivors wash up on a desert island. Two men and a woman.

After two weeks, the woman is so ashamed of what she's doing that she kills herself.

After another two weeks, the men are so ashamed of what they're doing that they bury her.

After two more weeks, they're so ashamed of what they're doing that they dig her back up.

 

[intim8]

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
One could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young n' lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment then one said, "We must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along"
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes

"Ah, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize"

Writer: Benjamin Michael Cross