Jokes
- Thread starter dr_mabeuse
- Start date
Dingus Guy
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2003
- Posts
- 706
Deer Jokes
What is a blind deer called?
No eyed-deer(idea)
What is a blind deer with no legs called?
Still no eyed-deer
What is a blind deer with no legs and no penis called?
Still no fucking eyed-deer
What is a blind deer with no legs, no penis and no head called?
One pretty messed up deer
What is a blind deer called?
No eyed-deer(idea)
What is a blind deer with no legs called?
Still no eyed-deer
What is a blind deer with no legs and no penis called?
Still no fucking eyed-deer
What is a blind deer with no legs, no penis and no head called?
One pretty messed up deer
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
Re: Deer Jokes
I call this one Venison or Dinner.
Dingus Guy said:
I call this one Venison or Dinner.
Dingus Guy
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2003
- Posts
- 706
Blonde and Deer Joke...
There were two blondes walking in the woods. As they were
walking one of them noticed some tracks on the ground. One
stops the other one and says "Look deer tracks." The other
goes "Those are not deer tracks those are bear tracks." So
they fight about what they are and are not, and the next day
the paper head lines read "Two Blondes Killed By Train".
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
There were two blondes walking in the woods. As they were
walking one of them noticed some tracks on the ground. One
stops the other one and says "Look deer tracks." The other
goes "Those are not deer tracks those are bear tracks." So
they fight about what they are and are not, and the next day
the paper head lines read "Two Blondes Killed By Train".
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Belegon
Still Kicking Around
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2003
- Posts
- 16,517
Britney Spears not included...
A young couple decide to elope and hop in the car to head for Las Vegas and get married. On the way they get in a car accident and show up at the Pearly Gates where they are warmly greeted by St. Peter.
"Come on in folks, you have lived very good lives and Heaven is proud to welcome you. Is there any thing you would like to know?"
"Actually, there is one thing," the couple replies. "We were on our way to get married but the vows say until death do you part. Dead or alive we still love each other just as much. Can we get married in Heaven?"
"I'll tell you what," says Peter, "Let me go find out. You two just wait for me here at the gates and I'll be right back."
60 days later St. Peter finally arrives back at the Pearly Gates and says, " Sorry about the delay but I have your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven."
"That's great," they reply, "But with all this time to think now we're thinking that forever is such a long time. If we get married, can we get divorced?"
"Look guys," says Peter, "It took me TWO months to find a priest, how long do ya think it's gonna take to find a lawyer?!"
A young couple decide to elope and hop in the car to head for Las Vegas and get married. On the way they get in a car accident and show up at the Pearly Gates where they are warmly greeted by St. Peter.
"Come on in folks, you have lived very good lives and Heaven is proud to welcome you. Is there any thing you would like to know?"
"Actually, there is one thing," the couple replies. "We were on our way to get married but the vows say until death do you part. Dead or alive we still love each other just as much. Can we get married in Heaven?"
"I'll tell you what," says Peter, "Let me go find out. You two just wait for me here at the gates and I'll be right back."
60 days later St. Peter finally arrives back at the Pearly Gates and says, " Sorry about the delay but I have your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven."
"That's great," they reply, "But with all this time to think now we're thinking that forever is such a long time. If we get married, can we get divorced?"
"Look guys," says Peter, "It took me TWO months to find a priest, how long do ya think it's gonna take to find a lawyer?!"
raphy
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2003
- Posts
- 4,257
My contribution:
It's bear hunting season. Our intrepid hero decides that he's gonna bag hisself the biggest meanest bear he can find. So he goes to his local rifle shop, buys a hunting rifle, heads out into the woods and sees a bear in a small clearing. Big and nasty, this bear has mean written all over it.
He crawls behind a nearby bush for some cover, takes aim and fires.
BANG!
The bear goes down. The guy runs over and ... The bear's not there. He's looking for the corpse when he feels a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there's the bear standing behind him, larger than life and madder than hell.
The bear waggles a paw at him and says, "Y'know, you shouldn't have done that."
The guy looks up at the bear and says, "Well .. I mean .. It's hunting season .. Y'know .. ?"
The bear shakes his head and says, "Right. I'm gonna offer you a deal, since you shot me. Option one .. I rip you to death with my claws-"
The man gulps. The bear is a lot bigger than him and could easily kill him with one swipe. "What's option two?" he asks.
"You drop your pants, bend over and I take you from behind," replies the bear.
The man doesn't see that he has much choice, so he drops his pants, bends over and gets buggered by the bear.
So the guy's pretty pissed now. He goes back to the hunting shop and says to the guy, "I want a bigger gun. You couldn't kill a squirrel with this piece of crap."
The clerk says, "Well, okay," and sells him a much bigger gun. The guy goes back out into the forest, and back in the same clearing is that same bear. He can tell it's the same bear. Big, mean and ugly.
He crawls behind the bush. He takes aim. He fires.
BANG!
And the bear goes down. He runs over and yup... the bear's not there.
There's another tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see the bear standing there, larger than life and madder than hell again.
"I thought I told you about this last time," says the bear.
"I know, I know," says the guy. "Either you claw me to pieces or I let you take me from behind."
"Nu-uh," says the bear. "Second offence. This time it's me and all my buddies."
The guy swallows nervously. It hurt last time. Hurt bad. But he doesn't see that he has much choice, so he drops his pants again, and this time gets buggered by the bear and all his bear buddies.
When it's over, he crawls back to the hunting store in agony and says, "Right. I need a bigger gun. I need the biggest gun you got there."
The clerk looks at him for a moment, and then goes back into the storeroom. He comes out holding a huge elephant gun, saying "Okay, bud. This gun used to belong to my grandaddy. He killed bull elephants in india with it. You should be able to kill a bear with it."
The guy pays him for the gun, and crawls painfully back out into the forest. He sees the same bear, crawls up behind the same bush. Takes aim. Fires.
BANG!
The bear goes down.. He runs over to the clearing, all elated and pleased with himself, and .... the bear's not there.
Without even waiting for the tap on his shoulder this time, he turns around and the bear's standing there, but it's not looking mad this time, it's just looking puzzled.
The bear looks the guy up and down for a moment, and then says, "Tell me something.. You ain't here for the hunting, are ya?"
It's bear hunting season. Our intrepid hero decides that he's gonna bag hisself the biggest meanest bear he can find. So he goes to his local rifle shop, buys a hunting rifle, heads out into the woods and sees a bear in a small clearing. Big and nasty, this bear has mean written all over it.
He crawls behind a nearby bush for some cover, takes aim and fires.
BANG!
The bear goes down. The guy runs over and ... The bear's not there. He's looking for the corpse when he feels a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there's the bear standing behind him, larger than life and madder than hell.
The bear waggles a paw at him and says, "Y'know, you shouldn't have done that."
The guy looks up at the bear and says, "Well .. I mean .. It's hunting season .. Y'know .. ?"
The bear shakes his head and says, "Right. I'm gonna offer you a deal, since you shot me. Option one .. I rip you to death with my claws-"
The man gulps. The bear is a lot bigger than him and could easily kill him with one swipe. "What's option two?" he asks.
"You drop your pants, bend over and I take you from behind," replies the bear.
The man doesn't see that he has much choice, so he drops his pants, bends over and gets buggered by the bear.
So the guy's pretty pissed now. He goes back to the hunting shop and says to the guy, "I want a bigger gun. You couldn't kill a squirrel with this piece of crap."
The clerk says, "Well, okay," and sells him a much bigger gun. The guy goes back out into the forest, and back in the same clearing is that same bear. He can tell it's the same bear. Big, mean and ugly.
He crawls behind the bush. He takes aim. He fires.
BANG!
And the bear goes down. He runs over and yup... the bear's not there.
There's another tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see the bear standing there, larger than life and madder than hell again.
"I thought I told you about this last time," says the bear.
"I know, I know," says the guy. "Either you claw me to pieces or I let you take me from behind."
"Nu-uh," says the bear. "Second offence. This time it's me and all my buddies."
The guy swallows nervously. It hurt last time. Hurt bad. But he doesn't see that he has much choice, so he drops his pants again, and this time gets buggered by the bear and all his bear buddies.
When it's over, he crawls back to the hunting store in agony and says, "Right. I need a bigger gun. I need the biggest gun you got there."
The clerk looks at him for a moment, and then goes back into the storeroom. He comes out holding a huge elephant gun, saying "Okay, bud. This gun used to belong to my grandaddy. He killed bull elephants in india with it. You should be able to kill a bear with it."
The guy pays him for the gun, and crawls painfully back out into the forest. He sees the same bear, crawls up behind the same bush. Takes aim. Fires.
BANG!
The bear goes down.. He runs over to the clearing, all elated and pleased with himself, and .... the bear's not there.
Without even waiting for the tap on his shoulder this time, he turns around and the bear's standing there, but it's not looking mad this time, it's just looking puzzled.
The bear looks the guy up and down for a moment, and then says, "Tell me something.. You ain't here for the hunting, are ya?"
Vincent E
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2001
- Posts
- 785
A down on his luck drifter wandered into a small town with no change in his pocket and no place to spend the night. He decided that he would have to spend the night on a park bench, but just as he was beginning to fall off to sleep a deputy came over to him, woke him up, and told him that he would be arrested for vagrancy if he did not leave the park right away.
"Where am I supposed to go? I don't have any money and no place to spend the night."
"Well, why don't you go over to the church and ask Minister Smith and his wife if they can put you up for the night."
The deputy led the man to the church and dropped him off on the front porch. The drifter rang the doorbell and was met by the minister.
"Minister Smith, I am a poor, down-on-his luck drifter with no money and no place to spend the night. The deputy said he would arrest me for vagrancy if I slept in the park, but he said you might be able to help me."
"Why certainly, my son. Everyone is welcome in our home. You can spend the night on the sofa."
The drifter spent the night on the minister's sofa, and in the morning had a wonderful pancake and bacon breakfast provided by Mrs. Minister Smith.
"Surely, there must by some way I can thank you for your kindness and hospitality. Are there any odd jobs I can do for you around your house or the church?"
"Well," said the minister, "we have a problem with our church bell. The rope broke several days ago, and I have not had the time to fix it. Perhaps you can fix the bell rope so that we can ring it before ten o'clock services this morning."
"I'll be happy to go up there and do what I can," answered the drifter.
The minister led the drifter up to the bell tower and showed him where the rope had broken then left the drifter to fix it, but without a new rope there was not much chance of fixing it. The drifter looked at the bell, backed up to the edge of the tower, and ran into the bell face first.
Dong! The bell rang.
Standing out in front of the church welcoming the Sunday morning worshippers the minister heard the ringing.
"Ah, glory be. He has fixed it."
Dong! Dong! Dong!
The bell continued to ring eight more times signalling the ten o'clock service. With only one more ring to go the drifter again backed up as he had nine times already, took a run at the bell, but missed it and fell sixty feet to the street below.
The worshippers gathered around the poor soul and quite nearly panicked.
"Somebody call a doctor," cried out one woman.
"Oh, this poor soul," bemoaned the minister.
"Who is he?" asked another churchgoer. "Does anyone know his name?"
Just then the deputy stepped forward, looked at the drifter, and said...
"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
"Where am I supposed to go? I don't have any money and no place to spend the night."
"Well, why don't you go over to the church and ask Minister Smith and his wife if they can put you up for the night."
The deputy led the man to the church and dropped him off on the front porch. The drifter rang the doorbell and was met by the minister.
"Minister Smith, I am a poor, down-on-his luck drifter with no money and no place to spend the night. The deputy said he would arrest me for vagrancy if I slept in the park, but he said you might be able to help me."
"Why certainly, my son. Everyone is welcome in our home. You can spend the night on the sofa."
The drifter spent the night on the minister's sofa, and in the morning had a wonderful pancake and bacon breakfast provided by Mrs. Minister Smith.
"Surely, there must by some way I can thank you for your kindness and hospitality. Are there any odd jobs I can do for you around your house or the church?"
"Well," said the minister, "we have a problem with our church bell. The rope broke several days ago, and I have not had the time to fix it. Perhaps you can fix the bell rope so that we can ring it before ten o'clock services this morning."
"I'll be happy to go up there and do what I can," answered the drifter.
The minister led the drifter up to the bell tower and showed him where the rope had broken then left the drifter to fix it, but without a new rope there was not much chance of fixing it. The drifter looked at the bell, backed up to the edge of the tower, and ran into the bell face first.
Dong! The bell rang.
Standing out in front of the church welcoming the Sunday morning worshippers the minister heard the ringing.
"Ah, glory be. He has fixed it."
Dong! Dong! Dong!
The bell continued to ring eight more times signalling the ten o'clock service. With only one more ring to go the drifter again backed up as he had nine times already, took a run at the bell, but missed it and fell sixty feet to the street below.
The worshippers gathered around the poor soul and quite nearly panicked.
"Somebody call a doctor," cried out one woman.
"Oh, this poor soul," bemoaned the minister.
"Who is he?" asked another churchgoer. "Does anyone know his name?"
Just then the deputy stepped forward, looked at the drifter, and said...
"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
whispering_surrender
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2002
- Posts
- 839
So bad....so very, very bad.....
Whisp
Ps. *holds hand over face to hide chuckles*
Whisp
Ps. *holds hand over face to hide chuckles*
Dingus Guy
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2003
- Posts
- 706
minsue
Gosling
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2002
- Posts
- 22,062
Anger Management
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello".
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window- so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street in Cold Lake South It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Cold Lake south, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called then local police precinct, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34thStreet. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW I feel better!
Do you feel better now?
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello".
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window- so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street in Cold Lake South It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Cold Lake south, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called then local police precinct, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34thStreet. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW I feel better!
Do you feel better now?
Dingus Guy
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2003
- Posts
- 706
minsue
Gosling
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2002
- Posts
- 22,062
Re: Re: Re: Hmmmmmmmm
Oh, the shame keeps getting deeper...
That one quite literally made me burst out with surprised laughter.
- Mindy, hiding in the corner now
pop_54 said:I'm so ashamed to have written it sue
Did you hear about the gay sparrow?
He flew upside-down for a lark!
Oh, the shame keeps getting deeper...
That one quite literally made me burst out with surprised laughter.
- Mindy, hiding in the corner now
Similar threads
