Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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If it is any consolation: I am still wiping the tears from the skydiving joke.
Jokes
- Thread starter dr_mabeuse
- Start date
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Pops, love, yours are the only jokes I read, and they always give me a larf.
Perdita
Perdita
pop_54
The young Aviator LOL
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Hi lover one
Hello Purdy darling one, how's you?? Just for you then my love, an epic
Picture the setting, a very small English village where marriage to strangers is rare, almost frowned on in fact, where young men wait excitedly for their mothers to give birth to a girl child so they may have a wife one day.
Where academic brilliance is judged as the person who can string together a sentence.
A village lad is walking along the side of the road, a car pulls up beside him, a big posh Jaguar, very expensive looking.
The window of the car slides down and a familiar voice speaks from inside the car.
"Allo Arnie, want a lift".
The lad looks into the car, there to his surprise is his mate Bert behind the wheel.
"Allo Bert, what you got there then"
"A car Arnie"
"Ohhh, where'd you get it frum Bert"
"Well, you know that really posh rich woman who's moved in the old manor house".
Says Bert.
"Arrr". Says Arnie.
"Well she gived it to I". Says Bert.
"Ohhh, how come as that then". Says Arnie.
"Well I wus walkin through the village, an she comes up in this car and asks me if I wants to go for a ride, so I says OK then" Says Bert.
"Arrr". Says Arnie.
"She takes I to a field gateway, stops the car and starts gettin funny you know". Says Bert.
"Arrr". Says Arnie.
"Well she says come on big boy let's get out of the car and have some fun, then she makes me get out and lay down with her on the ground". Says Bert.
"Arrrr". Says Arnie.
"Then she starts touching me like, and kissing my neck and that, then she opens her blouse and shows me her titties". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"Well then she takes my hand and makes me feel her titties, nice they were, then she starts pulling her skirt right up so I can see her knickers and stuff, I don't mind admitting it made my willy go stiff". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrrrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"Then, well you won't guess what, she slowly pulls her knickers right off of herself, I could see her fluffy muff and all". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"Well then she says go on big boy take whatever you want from me". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"So I took the car". Says Bert.
Arnie thinks for a second or two, "I don't blame you Bert, the knickers would never have fitted you".
pops.....................................
perdita said:Pops, love, yours are the only jokes I read, and they always give me a larf.
Perdita
Hello Purdy darling one, how's you?? Just for you then my love, an epic
Picture the setting, a very small English village where marriage to strangers is rare, almost frowned on in fact, where young men wait excitedly for their mothers to give birth to a girl child so they may have a wife one day.
Where academic brilliance is judged as the person who can string together a sentence.
A village lad is walking along the side of the road, a car pulls up beside him, a big posh Jaguar, very expensive looking.
The window of the car slides down and a familiar voice speaks from inside the car.
"Allo Arnie, want a lift".
The lad looks into the car, there to his surprise is his mate Bert behind the wheel.
"Allo Bert, what you got there then"
"A car Arnie"
"Ohhh, where'd you get it frum Bert"
"Well, you know that really posh rich woman who's moved in the old manor house".
Says Bert.
"Arrr". Says Arnie.
"Well she gived it to I". Says Bert.
"Ohhh, how come as that then". Says Arnie.
"Well I wus walkin through the village, an she comes up in this car and asks me if I wants to go for a ride, so I says OK then" Says Bert.
"Arrr". Says Arnie.
"She takes I to a field gateway, stops the car and starts gettin funny you know". Says Bert.
"Arrr". Says Arnie.
"Well she says come on big boy let's get out of the car and have some fun, then she makes me get out and lay down with her on the ground". Says Bert.
"Arrrr". Says Arnie.
"Then she starts touching me like, and kissing my neck and that, then she opens her blouse and shows me her titties". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"Well then she takes my hand and makes me feel her titties, nice they were, then she starts pulling her skirt right up so I can see her knickers and stuff, I don't mind admitting it made my willy go stiff". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrrrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"Then, well you won't guess what, she slowly pulls her knickers right off of herself, I could see her fluffy muff and all". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"Well then she says go on big boy take whatever you want from me". Says Bert.
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". Says Arnie.
"So I took the car". Says Bert.
Arnie thinks for a second or two, "I don't blame you Bert, the knickers would never have fitted you".
pops.....................................
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Guest
Guest
Aw, Pirate, the only thing better would be to hear you tell it, and you to hear me larf and larf...
Perdita
Perdita
Dingus Guy
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<------Jewish guy
Why do Jews like bagels so much?
Because they are too cheap to afford the whole roll.
Now...what is the difference between a guy with a patch and a penis?
One has an eye that shoots semen and the other one looks like a seaman.
Just being playful, no offense, except for the bad joke.
Why do Jews like bagels so much?
Because they are too cheap to afford the whole roll.
Now...what is the difference between a guy with a patch and a penis?
One has an eye that shoots semen and the other one looks like a seaman.
Just being playful, no offense, except for the bad joke.
Dingus Guy
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Well Pop...
My brother used to wear one for a few years when I was a youth.
I used to love to snap the band behind his head. Made the most lovely fleshy snapping sound.
On an another note:
How did the pirate stop smoking?
He used the patch!
My brother used to wear one for a few years when I was a youth.
I used to love to snap the band behind his head. Made the most lovely fleshy snapping sound.
On an another note:
How did the pirate stop smoking?
He used the patch!
Dingus Guy
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Then you won't read these lovely ditties
Pirate Jokes
How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What’s a pirate always looking for, even though it’s right behind him?
His booty!
A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can’t help but ask, “What’s with the steering wheel?” “ARRRRGGH,” the pirate answers, “it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Pirate Jokes
How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What’s a pirate always looking for, even though it’s right behind him?
His booty!
A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can’t help but ask, “What’s with the steering wheel?” “ARRRRGGH,” the pirate answers, “it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Dingus Guy
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I earned a groan woot woot
If that was a groan, maybe I can get a shiver with this one...
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
If that was a groan, maybe I can get a shiver with this one...
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Dingus Guy
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One Last Pirate Joke
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
"Oh, I can see you're dressed up as a pirate," the man says, "but where are your buccaneers?"
The kid gets really mad, and says "On the sides of my buckin' head!"
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
"Oh, I can see you're dressed up as a pirate," the man says, "but where are your buccaneers?"
The kid gets really mad, and says "On the sides of my buckin' head!"
whispering_surrender
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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class
section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently
wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about this strange shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Do you want me to call the stewardess for you?
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition, and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Whisp
section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently
wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about this strange shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Do you want me to call the stewardess for you?
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition, and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Whisp
whispering_surrender
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A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that
if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Whisp
if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Whisp
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SlickTony
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Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month; otherwise it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come... About 5:00..."
"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn ya...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business,I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too! .."
Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come... About 5:00..."
"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn ya...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business,I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too! .."
Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
whispering_surrender
Literotica Guru
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- 839
Funny Signs
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Whisp
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Whisp
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Funny Signs (cont'd)
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thebullet
Rebel without applause
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Elephant Jokes:
Q: What's gray and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant
Q: What's the difference between a place where you get drunk and an elephant's fart?
A: One's a barroom and the other's a BARROOM!!
Sacreligious:
Call off the religion, they found the body.
_________________________________________________
A man comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed with a midget. He's furious.
He yells at his wife: "How can you do this to me? You promised you wouldn't screw around on me anymore."
His wife replies: 'Well you can see I'm tapering off!"
___________________________________________________
A man joined a monastery that had a vow of silence. The monks were only allowed to make one statement every ten years. After the tenth year he was brought to the abbot. They abbot said, 'You may talk now." The monk said, "Food bad."
Ten years later he went to the abbott to make his statement. He said, "Bed hard."
Ten years later he went to the abbott to make his statement. He said, "I quit."
The abbott said, "Well frankly I'm not surprised. Ever since you got her its been nothing but bitch bitch bitch."
___________________________________________________
A wife was complaining to her husband. "These children are driving me crazy. They swear like sailors! I just can't stand it."
The husband said, "What's the problem? You have to teach them they can't swear in front of you. The next time one of them swears, hit him! He'll learn soon enough."
The wife was skeptical, but agreed to give it a try.
The next morning, the two boys, ages 8 and 10, came running into the kitchen for breakfast. The mother turned to them and said sweetly, "What would you like for breakfast?"
The older boy said, "I want some of them fuckin' Cheerios."
The mother was infuriated. She reared back and slapped the boy's face. He went flying accross the room. She turned to her younger son and snapped "Now what would you like for breakfast?"
The eight year old said, "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want any of your fuckin' Cheerios!"
____________________________________________________
Finally a really old ethnic joke:
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Italy?
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
___________________________________________________
Q: What's gray and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant
Q: What's the difference between a place where you get drunk and an elephant's fart?
A: One's a barroom and the other's a BARROOM!!
Sacreligious:
Call off the religion, they found the body.
_________________________________________________
A man comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed with a midget. He's furious.
He yells at his wife: "How can you do this to me? You promised you wouldn't screw around on me anymore."
His wife replies: 'Well you can see I'm tapering off!"
___________________________________________________
A man joined a monastery that had a vow of silence. The monks were only allowed to make one statement every ten years. After the tenth year he was brought to the abbot. They abbot said, 'You may talk now." The monk said, "Food bad."
Ten years later he went to the abbott to make his statement. He said, "Bed hard."
Ten years later he went to the abbott to make his statement. He said, "I quit."
The abbott said, "Well frankly I'm not surprised. Ever since you got her its been nothing but bitch bitch bitch."
___________________________________________________
A wife was complaining to her husband. "These children are driving me crazy. They swear like sailors! I just can't stand it."
The husband said, "What's the problem? You have to teach them they can't swear in front of you. The next time one of them swears, hit him! He'll learn soon enough."
The wife was skeptical, but agreed to give it a try.
The next morning, the two boys, ages 8 and 10, came running into the kitchen for breakfast. The mother turned to them and said sweetly, "What would you like for breakfast?"
The older boy said, "I want some of them fuckin' Cheerios."
The mother was infuriated. She reared back and slapped the boy's face. He went flying accross the room. She turned to her younger son and snapped "Now what would you like for breakfast?"
The eight year old said, "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want any of your fuckin' Cheerios!"
____________________________________________________
Finally a really old ethnic joke:
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Italy?
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
___________________________________________________
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