Not Submissive Anymore: A Spinoff

[Lizzie_Borden]

me too. and you most certainly are NOT deserving of a single iota of suffering, BiBunny. You are one of my favorite people here because you have tons of sense and heart behind it. And you like ponies. It's hard for me to dislike my pony-people

If your life can't have D/s in it, so be it. you do what is best for you and to hell with another single solitary living soul.

I feel this sudden desire to do a cheerleadery-interpretive dance for you, which is strange both in concept and compulsion. Luckily for everyone I won't. But the thought counts?

I'd help. I'd even don a leotard.

*sighs* I don't have anything else. I'm finding all this fascinating, and I'm also, along with everyone else, super glad that Bunny is looking out for numero uno.

At lot of things said here strike a note for me. So thanks for this thread Bunny.

 

[gypsy*seer]

Thanks for starting this thread, Bunny!

You are one of the most supportive, caring, funny, smart & adventurous people on Lit.

I'm struggling with somewhat the same thing, and I'll come back to post after collecting my thoughts (and when I have a little more time!).

*group hug to all*

 

[eastern sun]

We are friends, lovers and equals too. We balance each other out and relate really well.

Yes. Us, too. And I'd like to suggest, from all the evidence I've seen, that the same has been true for osg and her Daddy as well. I hope she's well.

Insecurity makes the dominant or the submissive take comfort in the extreme power poles. Power exchange doesn't actually mean one person has all the power and the other is powerless. Power is very fluid, flowing from one person to another in any relationship. In my opinion, if you can recognize your own power as a submissive, own it and use it with some degree of comfort, you're on the road to a healthy relationship.

 

[Keroin]

Actually, no, you weren't on the list.

This comes as a massive surprise to me. But a good one.

But I do appreciate your wishes!

They are genuine.

I would add a note. As hurt as you may feel, try not to judge those who backed away from you because you were "too crazy". It may not have been in them to deal with whatever was going on with you. I don't know your situation in detail, but I know there are people I have walked away from, either temporarily or permanently, because I knew I could neither "fix" nor help them and being around them would only mess me up. It doesn't mean I didn't love them or want to help them it's just, as Clint says, "A man's got to know his limitations".

And looking back, there have been plenty of people who walked away from me, in the semi-distant past, when my life was a full on train wreck. At the time, I cursed their names. Now? I get it. I'm glad they did what they had to do.

 

[Licia]

BiBunny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

*questions?*

 

[BiBunny]

This comes as a massive surprise to me. But a good one.



They are genuine.

I would add a note. As hurt as you may feel, try not to judge those who backed away from you because you were "too crazy". It may not have been in them to deal with whatever was going on with you. I don't know your situation in detail, but I know there are people I have walked away from, either temporarily or permanently, because I knew I could neither "fix" nor help them and being around them would only mess me up. It doesn't mean I didn't love them or want to help them it's just, as Clint says, "A man's got to know his limitations".

And looking back, there have been plenty of people who walked away from me, in the semi-distant past, when my life was a full on train wreck. At the time, I cursed their names. Now? I get it. I'm glad they did what they had to do.

If it had been a matter of their own sanity vs. mine, I wouldn't be upset. I mean, I'm sort of doing the same thing now, except it's not a person I'm walking away from but a situation. I won't go into details or anything because it's long, boring, and complicated, but it was definitely an act of selfishness on their part, not an act of self-preservation--not that I should've been surprised by that.

BiBunny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

*questions?*

I've always loved this song.


In other news, not to make this "throw a pity party for Bunny" thread, but I was told by my doctor today that I need to be referred to a psychiatrist. I'm not averse to the idea, but...I don't have insurance. I'm not too sure how I'm going to swing this one.

I'm not sure how this relates to the thread, so forgive the diversion. I'm just frustrated and discouraged right now because it's never nice to hear the polite medical equivalent of "You're too damn crazy for me to help you."

 

[BiBunny]

Shit, double post. Sorry. Lit hiccuped, I think.

 

[gypsy*seer]

In other news, not to make this "throw a pity party for Bunny" thread, but I was told by my doctor today that I need to be referred to a psychiatrist. I'm not averse to the idea, but...I don't have insurance. I'm not too sure how I'm going to swing this one.

I'm not sure how this relates to the thread, so forgive the diversion. I'm just frustrated and discouraged right now because it's never nice to hear the polite medical equivalent of "You're too damn crazy for me to help you."

My GP referred me to a fantastic therapist, and she based her fees on a sliding scale according to income. Can't hurt to ask!

 

[shy slave]

I'm not sure how this relates to the thread, so forgive the diversion. I'm just frustrated and discouraged right now because it's never nice to hear the polite medical equivalent of "You're too damn crazy for me to help you."

I have never thought of a referral described like that before.

Can't help it, I laughed.

But, find a way to go. I recall a while back someone somewhere talking about BDSM aware therapists, I need to sleep but it may come to me who that was. It was one of the sensible female posters, wonder if Miss Mouse remembers.

 

[BiBunny]

My GP referred me to a fantastic therapist, and she based her fees on a sliding scale according to income. Can't hurt to ask!

I know some therapists will, but I'm not sure about psychiatrists. Well, they do at the county mental health clinic, but screw that. It'd take me at least 4 months to be seen. I can come up with the money to pay full price for a psychiatrist visit before then, LOL.

I have never thought of a referral described like that before.

Can't help it, I laughed.

But, find a way to go. I recall a while back someone somewhere talking about BDSM aware therapists, I need to sleep but it may come to me who that was. It was one of the sensible female posters, wonder if Miss Mouse remembers.

If it's the list I'm thinking of, there aren't any listed in my state. Damn redneck backwoods-ass place. Thank you for thinking of it, though!

 

[Licia]

In other news, not to make this "throw a pity party for Bunny" thread, but I was told by my doctor today that I need to be referred to a psychiatrist. I'm not averse to the idea, but...I don't have insurance. I'm not too sure how I'm going to swing this one.

I'm not sure how this relates to the thread, so forgive the diversion. I'm just frustrated and discouraged right now because it's never nice to hear the polite medical equivalent of "You're too damn crazy for me to help you."

Oh, I think there are probably a lot of ladies who've had their hearts stomped, and felt horrible afterward: 'gah, how could I be so foolish?!' Try not to beat yourself up about the thread. I think it could help many, even if they choose only to read.

Re: 'you're too damn crazy for me to help you.'...is really medical speak for 'I do not have the required training as I am limited to the physical body.'

Another poster touched on the sliding scale method of payment. I would also suggest to that you discuss your financial situation with your medical doc ((which (s)he is probably already aware)), and let him/her know that the referral needs to go to a professional who is sensitive to your monetary condition?

 

[ecstaticsub]

BiBunny-- Finally getting back to this but I'm not sure if what I was going to say originally applies fits this thread anymore.

I had a long post started about why I have decided to get deeper into being submissive, why I am able to obey even it my first impulse is to say no...but does it still apply here?

 

[BiBunny]

BiBunny-- Finally getting back to this but I'm not sure if what I was going to say originally applies fits this thread anymore.

I had a long post started about why I have decided to get deeper into being submissive, why I am able to obey even it my first impulse is to say no...but does it still apply here?

Yes. Please say what you had in mind. I really didn't mean to turn this thread into my own one-woman freak show.

 

[HottieMama]

Bunny... Give me a day or so, and I can PM you some kink/alternative friendly therapists in your area. Through work, I have access to a different database and would be happy to search for you...

 

[CutieMouse]

In other news, not to make this "throw a pity party for Bunny" thread, but I was told by my doctor today that I need to be referred to a psychiatrist. I'm not averse to the idea, but...I don't have insurance. I'm not too sure how I'm going to swing this one.

I'm not sure how this relates to the thread, so forgive the diversion. I'm just frustrated and discouraged right now because it's never nice to hear the polite medical equivalent of "You're too damn crazy for me to help you."

Darlin' it doesn't mean "You're too damn crazy for me to help you"; it means your current doctor recognizes he/she is out of his/her league and you deserve better. It has NOTHING to do with you, your brain chemistry, or your situation, and EVERYTHING to do with your doctor's educational background and current knowledge of psychiatric pharmaceuticals.

I was going to recommend County MHMR for a list of sliding scale practitioners; I'd also suggest contacting the local universities to see if there are any studies being conducted, or just flat out explain your situation/ask every psychiatrist you call about sliding scale fees and/or payment plans.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Yes. Please say what you had in mind. I really didn't mean to turn this thread into my own one-woman freak show.

I view this thread as a one-woman being fucking courageous as hell to talk about her worries with us. Definitely don't think freak show applies here.

My perception is you are younger than me. I've been watching this thread, tickled that you are sorting yourself out before wasting as many years as I did in something that just wasn't right.

I think it completely brave to analyze what is right for you and to make that a priority. Too many people never even get to the questioning phase.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Yes. Please say what you had in mind. I really didn't mean to turn this thread into my own one-woman freak show.

Thank you!


I am in no way deserving of being in awe of. I am struggling with how things are evolving with my relationship. However, I think it is where I want to go.

It seems perhaps that I am going about this in the opposite direction then many people. I never ever thought of myself as submissive. Perverted and sick with my sexual fantasies but never would I ever have thought of obeying someone else, giving someone else control of my life. Especially never a man! lol

I'm still trying to figure this out but I think being a military spouse for 20 years has shown me that letting someone (or some thing) control major parts of my life has a calming effect on me.

Submission is like being a military spouse in that I agreed with my husband that he could/should become an officer. That was a consensual choice. After that for 20 years I moved when I was told to move, I quit jobs, lost friends, made new ones, went through experiences I never thought I would be able to go through. I sometimes asked myself "Why am I putting myself through this pain, I can just walk away".

Those 20 years taught me so much about myself. They taught me priorities. The experience also taught me (maybe reassured me?) that taking a chance at surrendering myself to the will of another power (the military or a man I love) will enable me to learn things about myself. It is extremely empowering to not have power. Because I not only survived but I was a fucking awesome at making things work wonderfully.

That experience taught me that not a whole lot in life really matters except for the relationships you have with the people you love. Material possessions get destroyed in moves, money flies out the window with every new house bought and sold, dignity even takes a back seat when your spouse is deployed and you are alone with your children living in AZ and the A/C breaks in Aug, or alone with babies and a Cat 4 hurricane is approaching. There is simply shit that happens and things that must be done and you do what you need to do.

So that is my background mindset, what does this have to do with a D/s relationship?

Most of the people I know in BDSM relationship were specifically looking for a dom or submissive partner. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone when I met MDS. I was lonely and seriously sexually frustrated with a deployed spouse. We were on-line friends and then phone sex friends to begin with.

Over the course of the last 6 years our relationship has deepened and evolved. Throughout it all we have shared the same values and priorities. I haven't had to set hard limits like no interference with my work, or children, or husband or home. Any limits of that sort I would have set would most likely be less strict then what he would set for me.

So I trust him to not abuse the power I have given him. In exchange he has forced me to see love and relationships in a different way. He has forced me to try things I never would have done. He has forced me to think in a different way to give him exactly what he wants but still manage to not lose myself.

I trust him completely. He is not perfect, he knows he is not perfect. He will listen to me when I have difficulty obeying. With him I feel I have nothing to lose by obeying, even doing the really difficult things. Obeying him will not hurt my relationships with my husband or my children. Everything else doesn’t matter. If me obeying him can make not only his dick hard but make him happy and better at who he is, then there is no reason for me not to. It really is a win-win.

That is at least what I keep telling myself. There is a situation that I am find extremely difficult but I am working on it. I have noticed that as I fight it less the situation does get better. I am hopeful that it continues. I really like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from figuring out ways to obey him and still stay sane.

Not sure if that made any sense…but it helped me to write it out. Thanks for the opportunity.

 

[CutieMouse]

I trust him completely. He is not perfect, he knows he is not perfect. He will listen to me when I have difficulty obeying. With him I feel I have nothing to lose by obeying, even doing the really difficult things. Obeying him will not hurt my relationships with my husband or my children. Everything else doesn’t matter. If me obeying him can make not only his dick hard but make him happy and better at who he is, then there is no reason for me not to. It really is a win-win.

This is extremely similar to how I see my current relationship with The Men™. Doing what they ask won't hurt me, and might even make each of them (and me) happier and better people. Like you said, win-win.

 

[graceanne]

In other news, not to make this "throw a pity party for Bunny" thread, but I was told by my doctor today that I need to be referred to a psychiatrist. I'm not averse to the idea, but...I don't have insurance. I'm not too sure how I'm going to swing this one.

I'm not sure how this relates to the thread, so forgive the diversion. I'm just frustrated and discouraged right now because it's never nice to hear the polite medical equivalent of "You're too damn crazy for me to help you."

*hugs* I've gotten this one before. Then the psychologist I saw told me that I'm 'weird'. I asked if that was a technical term. then he said that I'm functional and should just learn to accept myself as I am. that's the last counselor I've bothered wasting my time with. lol

That said, I wish you were closer. There is so many more options here in the northwest. But, I think if you were capable of moving across country that you wouldn't be so concerned about your mental health.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Stuff I like:

But ye gawds does it make me happy to cater to him.

This appeals to me. It does make me happy too, catering to his wants and needs. He's not especially dominant outside of the bedroom, instead we kind of mush together a blend of 1950s and D/lg. He doesn't need to be taken care of, as such, he can take care of himself, so I take care of the detail stuff, and he's the boss, his preferences come first, and he needs to be respected as the man he is. He sees his role more as a guiding, moulding kind of one. I don't know what it makes us, other than happy. Heh.

Eh, maybe; maybe not. I still have moments where I crave "_____ terribly inappropriate, vaguely illegal, decidedly wrong, kinky thing" (usually when I'm insanely stressed, like I have been the last few weeks), but I don't let those cravings destroy the beauty I'm experiencing now. I had the option of all that destructive [hot] dark shit before, and while what I'm involved in now might not measure up to the "kinkier than thou" crowd, I'm happy. And sweetie happy is waaaaaaaay better than "submissive". Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

I have those cravings too. Usually when I'm alone, anxious, stressed, frustrated. Then when I have the time and means to indulge in them, I forget all about them and I just go to that happy place. The kinky stuff ebbs and flows, and I'm good with that.

We are friends, lovers and equals too. We balance each other out and relate really well.

This. He's my best friend in the world. He knows me better than I know myself, keeps me calm when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I can talk to him about anything, and he can tell me things that I'd probably react badly to if they came from anyone else. And I know him. I know what he likes, when he's upset, or stressed, I know when to prod till he shakes it off, and when to just let him stew.

I'm still trying to figure this out but I think being a military spouse for 20 years has shown me that letting someone (or some thing) control major parts of my life has a calming effect on me.

ME too. Once I have faith in that control, and that it will be reliable and solid, I trust it, give over to it, and stuff is just better.

I trust him completely. He is not perfect, he knows he is not perfect. He will listen to me when I have difficulty obeying. With him I feel I have nothing to lose by obeying, even doing the really difficult things. Obeying him will not hurt my relationships with my husband or my children. Everything else doesn’t matter. If me obeying him can make not only his dick hard but make him happy and better at who he is, then there is no reason for me not to. It really is a win-win.

I enjoy the results of obeying, and dearly love to and want to give him that. Sometimes I just find it so hard to do.

That is at least what I keep telling myself. There is a situation that I am find extremely difficult but I am working on it. I have noticed that as I fight it less the situation does get better. I am hopeful that it continues. I really like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from figuring out ways to obey him and still stay sane.

I don't fight so much as I worry, and I question, and I analyse and I think too much and doubt myself, to the point of paralysing myself sometimes. what I need to learn is to just let go, go with the flow and enjoy the experience.


Gah. Life is tricky sometimes. I need a hug.

 

[ecstaticsub]

~snip~

I don't fight so much as I worry, and I question, and I analyse and I think too much and doubt myself, to the point of paralysing myself sometimes. what I need to learn is to just let go, go with the flow and enjoy the experience.


Gah. Life is tricky sometimes. I need a hug.

First off <<<<HUG>>>> . Life is tricky, but it does make it more interesting.

And YES! The bolded part. I have got to learn to calm my high anxiety and just enjoy whatever will happen.

hugs again

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

First off <<<<HUG>>>> . Life is tricky, but it does make it more interesting.

And YES! The bolded part. I have got to learn to calm my high anxiety and just enjoy whatever will happen.

hugs again

For some reason, I'm thinking I just need to learn to be mindful, in the way that CIC is...

And yay! *more hugs*

 

[the captians wench]

I'm not sure how this relates to the thread, so forgive the diversion. I'm just frustrated and discouraged right now because it's never nice to hear the polite medical equivalent of "You're too damn crazy for me to help you."

When I was 12 and battling an undiagnosed sugar issue, my doctor looked at my mom and in these exact words said," I don't think she is crazy or anything like that, but I think she needs to seek professional help...imidiately"

Talk about feeling like you're too damn crazy! And that was a time when I wasn't sure if I was or not. It sent me into a downward spiral. Thankfully my mom was good enough to recognize the same symptoms she had and changed my diet and eating habbits and poof went the crazy.

I know that last bit probably didn't help much, but I wanted to share my "you're too damn crazy for me to help you" moment with you.

 

[shy slave]

I view this thread as a one-woman being fucking courageous as hell to talk about her worries with us. Definitely don't think freak show applies here.

My perception is you are younger than me. I've been watching this thread, tickled that you are sorting yourself out before wasting as many years as I did in something that just wasn't right.

I think it completely brave to analyze what is right for you and to make that a priority. Too many people never even get to the questioning phase.

I agree with all of this.

Bunny, you are amazing in many many ways

 

[SpectreT]

Not much to add that has not already been said on the main topic, just want to throw an "ouch" on all the "geek" comments.

I'm pretty much the epitome of geekiness. Way overweight, conceptual understanding of modern science up to string theory and branes, Star Trek and Star Wars fan, know how to fence, cook, read comic books and Kafka, amateur photographer, amateur writer. Player of tabletop Role Playing Games and video games. Build sparring LED lightsabers for fun and profit.

My only saving graces are that I've never even owned a velour shirt or pointy ears, and I don't speak with a lisp.

Then again, I've never pretended to be a Dom. Pretty much a "bedroom only" Switch, so for whatever that was worth.

That and if you're in an unhappy place, sorry to read it and hope things are better for you soon!