Short poems: examples + discussion

[butters]

I like the short version better:

• I see both scenes, in the tree-tops and on a road, around what a horse left (as in old days);
• these days it's not common or too dangerous to the birds in the tree-tops to be seriously worried about a cat up there;
• the haiku gets diluted by the explicit addition of the first line;
• when in doubt then shorter is perhaps better.

A nice haiku but for a shortcoming (nothing terrible)--this haiku is a bit obvious (carries no surprise, no discovery).

this is why i rarely call anything i write a haiku - just 'shorts' or faux-ku. it's so hard to do well.

 

[butters]

While you were writing your response I've added: it's close to an aphorism. We more or less agree (feels good ).

we do

and should we ever disagree, i would hope it could be with such equanimity.

 

[butters]

lazy poet​

think tomorrow
the possibilities it brings
maybe a poem​

heh, like the thinking, bogus.
have you considered cutting even deeper?

for instance:

tomorrow
its infinite possibilities
maybe a poem​

 

[butters]

a non-ku

writer's thought
comes, goes
snowflake melts

 

[HarryHill]

this is why i rarely call anything i write a haiku - just 'shorts' or faux-ku. it's so hard to do well.

Fauxku ...added to my dictionary

 

[Senna Jawa]

perhaps skip the title

thoughts on changes? i'm stuck.

"poet"

one aches
wears ones heart
on sleeves of others' making​

I guess the title in the quotes should be ironic, I am sure. However there is enough of irony in this piece, it overloads the text. I would skip it.

This piece is a tease--you are playing with the greeting cards poetry (the name of that popular company has escaped me), while ultimately you're staying away from it due to the irony. This is an original and nice rendition or a variation on a known or similar theme. I think it was Stanisław Jerzy Lec (?) who said: he was good at overcoming the pain... of others. Perhaps I should translate this aphorism better. (Did I get your aphorism? Actually, there seems to be a clear distinction between your poem and other poems or aphorisms that I've seen).

PS. Yes, that company--Hallmark.

 

[bogusagain]

heh, like the thinking, bogus.
have you considered cutting even deeper?

for instance:

tomorrow
its infinite possibilities
maybe a poem​

Now that is a nice one!

I was just being lazy

 

[butters]

I guess the title in the quotes should be ironic, I am sure. However there is enough of irony in this piece, it overloads the text. I would skip it.

This piece is a tease--you are playing with the greeting cards poetry (the name of that popular company has escaped me), while ultimately you're staying away from it due to the irony. This is an original and nice rendition or a variation on a known or similar theme. I think it was Stanisław Jerzy Lec (?) who said: he was good at overcoming the pain... of others. Perhaps I should translate this aphorism better. (Did I get your aphorism? Actually, there seems to be a clear distinction between your poem and other poems or aphorisms that I've seen)

yes, we agree again on the use of that word as a title. i have used it on another, as a title of a title and it might not work well there either.

hallmark

i suppose i was in two minds myself as i wrote this - one being the playful poke at the precious nature of some poets' egos, the other being the truth (as i see it) that it's what others make of our writing that gets debated, promoted, or crushed: so something almost beyond our control, unless we are exceptionally skilful writers. how the reader interprets our writes is often quite differently to what we thought we'd written!

sorry, what do you mean about the distinction? i don't understand.

 

[butters]

Now that is a nice one!

I was just being lazy

your words were already there

hold a leaf up to the light
is this even poetry? she asks​

 

[Senna Jawa]

A 4-word poem

--

winter on my face​

wh,
1996-01-01
​

 

[HarryHill]

Two words

Lost gaze

 

[butters]

--

winter on my face​

wh,
1993 or 4?
​

a complete image, filled in by the individual reader through the prompts of those few words.

it invokes a hibernating heart, the cold romance of frozen sorrows, a certain purity of stillness, hard rime (where no rhyme exists, clever introduction, imo).... i can almost hear the frozen emotional quality. but that's what i'm injecting into this as i read it, and the next reader might fill it with other, more interesting thoughts.

 

[Senna Jawa]

what do you mean about the distinction?

Your piece is softer, more colorful (and even plays on cliches). The Polish aphorism was direct, felt even cruel. In Polish it perhaps was:

Dobrze znosił ból innych.​

And the meaning was also a bit different.

The common theme though was being sensitive or some similar feelings on someone else behalf--an abusive imposition. In this general vicinity we also have a common saying about bić się w cudze piersi. Some POETS do it, or did. Or some extra moral people. These moral people are sorry for other people deeds (and often they impose the notion of the guilt when there might be none).

 

[butters]

Lost gaze

hello, harry

gaze - the word is a long one; its hard A-sound softened and stretched by the zzzz.
couple that with the sibilance in Lost, its soft 'o', and i get to buy into the (once again romantic) connotations of eyes staring into the distance, lost in the view/contemplation.

it is poetic in and of itself. is it a complete poem? it brings an image to mind, an emotional aspect, plays on sound.... i think, perhaps, a poetic phrase rather than an entire poem, but that's just an opinion. it is, however, without doubt a lovely word-pairing.

 

[butters]

hoar frost

after last-night's hot words
ice underfoot this morning

 

[todski28]

...........................

 

[butters]

*she is my sun*

gives life
but also burns

hello, todski

is this intended as a 3-liner, or a 1-liner explained by the other two, orrrr a 2-liner using the asterisked phrase as a title?

she is my sun already implies the next 2 lines - life-giver, the dependency for existence, the dangerous nature of getting too close, too distant

 

[butters]

Your piece is softer, more colorful (and even plays on cliches). The Polish aphorism was direct, felt even cruel. In Polish it perhaps was:

Dobrze znosił ból innych.​

And the meaning was also a bit different.

The common theme though was being sensitive or some similar feelings on someone else behalf--an abusive imposition. In this general vicinity we also have a common saying about bić się w cudze piersi. Some POETS do it, or did. Or some extra moral people. These moral people are sorry for other people deeds (and often they impose the notion of the guilt when there might be none).

ah, thankyou for the clarification, SJ.

i'm not known for my cruelty

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

go softly, for

some fruits are bruised
blemishes hidden
till peeled

Even leaner.....

Some bruises
are hidden
until peeled​

 

[Senna Jawa]

go softly, for

some fruits are bruised
blemishes hidden
till peeled​

Even leaner.....

Some bruises
are hidden
until peeled​

A variation:

under thick skin
bruises​

Regards,

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

A variation:

under thick skin
bruises​

Regards,

or even - under skin
...............bruises

 

[Senna Jawa]

or even -

under skin
bruises​

Hi Tristesse,

what's so strange that under skin there are bruises? Also thick skin has a second meaning. Or do you think that all this is already understood?

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Hi Tristesse,

what so strange that under skin there are bruises? Also thick skin has a second meaning. Or do you think that all this is already understood?

Hidden pain? I am trying to distill it down yet saving the poetry.

Actually the "thick" does add another dimention. As you were.

 

[DaleFeathers]

Shorties

"too much much"

and

"shrug on daddy"

or maybe just "shrug on"


Well, just having fun. Hello.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Line drawing;
2B or not 2B?