Short poems: examples + discussion

[Angeline]

The air is blue-eyed
so the mountains smile.​

 

[Senna Jawa]

The air is blue-eyed
so the mountains smile.​

It's fun, it's a light joke. Is it really a poem? May be, but I don't think so .

Thank you Angeline, don't kick me under the table,

 

[todski28]

more rambling, trial and error etc.


everything about her lingers,
I think deep penetrating thoughts

 

[butters]

Even leaner.....

Some bruises
are hidden
until peeled​

i like this - a leaner piece indeed

having said that, it feels like it now moves in a different direction, in my mind that is (which might not be the best guide) - for me it invokes the thought of bruises visible on the skin but not seen till the skin of our clothes is peeled off. so, they may be bruises of abuse or 'play', rather than emotional bruising.

A variation:

under thick skin
bruises​

Regards,

ah, this moves it back, reinvests an emotional dimension.

how neat is this that small pieces can be cut back even further through fresh eyes? i love it!

thanks, tess, sj

 

[butters]

"too much much"

and

"shrug on daddy"

or maybe just "shrug on"


Well, just having fun. Hello.

welcome

not sure what to make of the first, so maybe you could tell us what it means from where you are.

as for "shrug on" . . . "shrug"? you need a french accent to make that one work best in my ears a french shrug is a poem in itself.

Line drawing;
2B or not 2B?

very graphite, annie

The air is blue-eyed
so the mountains smile.​

i really like this. was wondering about the whole 'is it a poem?' question, but it feels to me it is - something so small, encompassing something so huge... a mountain range and the whole damned sky. also, it makes me smile, so it clearly has some emotional charm.

 

[butters]

everything about her lingers,
I think deep penetrating thoughts

this has layering, sound-links, an appeal to the senses. initially i was a little turned aside by what seems too obvious a word-pairing with 'deep penetrating', but can't think of how to improve it. someone else might be able to. if you added a comma after 'deep', you'd lose that play on meaning which is the heavier counter-balance to the first line's more delicately sensual quality. it brings to mind perfume, fluidity, the lightest touch of gauzy, silken material, a breeze across skin - you have a light/dark thing going on here. this also brings to mind the 'I think therefore I am' phrase most people will recognise, and so that underscore the whole 'deep penetrating thoughts' phrase.

for me this stands as a poem; unless someone can change it without altering its substance of light/dark, silk/meat, awareness of mind and flesh then it should be left alone.

 

[Remec]

7 Years

Accidents happen,
sometimes.​

 

[butters]

7 Years

Accidents happen,
sometimes.​

hello, remec

have you considered this without 'sometimes'?

the title lets us fill in the whole broken mirror/bad luck aspect, and accidents do only happen 'sometimes'

BUT

having said that, with the 'sometimes' i read a different meaning to the one i'd find without it. with, i'm seeing unplanned pregnancies, and i like that twist better.

 

[Remec]

hello, remec

have you considered this without 'sometimes'?

the title lets us fill in the whole broken mirror/bad luck aspect, and accidents do only happen 'sometimes'

BUT

having said that, with the 'sometimes' i read a different meaning to the one i'd find without it. with, i'm seeing unplanned pregnancies, and i like that twist better.

*nod*
And, there are times when things are broken on purpose, bad luck be damned. (But, yes, I considered it with and without, as well as above or below, and the pregnancy thing did pop into my mind, but only just this morning while actually typing it up to be posted.)

 

[butters]

*nod*
And, there are times when things are broken on purpose, bad luck be damned. (But, yes, I considered it with and without, as well as above or below, and the pregnancy thing did pop into my mind, but only just this morning while actually typing it up to be posted.)

*facepalm* on purpose! sorry, that makes a whole other poem and i missed it. doh.

 

[Angeline]

It's fun, it's a light joke. Is it really a poem? May be, but I don't think so .

Thank you Angeline, don't kick me under the table,

Lol. I like you too much to kick you, even under the table, and you know it. However I do need to understand why you think what I wrote is not a poem and your "winter on my face," line is one. Actually I think I'd call both examples poetic rather than poems, but I am not being facetious in asking you this: I really don't see the distinction.

Edited to add: I was trying to find a way to get at this without using an aphorism as the basis for some wordplay...

 

[Senna Jawa]

The air is blue-eyed
so the mountains smile.​

i really like this. was wondering about the whole 'is it a poem?' question, but it feels to me it is - something so small, encompassing something so huge... a mountain range and the whole damned sky. also, it makes me smile, so it clearly has some emotional charm.

This poem is too arbitrary (a danger from being short). E.g.

the air is blue-eyed
and the lake is sad​

the air is blue-eyed
so the lake smiles​

the air is pinkish
so the mountains smile​

etc.

You may read bajka Here is my poor translation of the last stanza. It is about a mental patient who was escaping from sanatoriums--barefoot, by necessity--to go into mountains. The last stanza is from the top of a mountain, after he accomplished his climbing:

on the top
the air was bluishing his beaten up feet
he was looking down the valley and crying
he felt the enlarging
of a distant peak away
he was susceptible to gravitation​

Best regards,

 

[Ashesh9]

Temperature is freezin'
Oxygen is scarce
After all 'tis Mount Everest

 

[HarryHill]

Temperature is freezin'
Oxygen is scarce
After all 'tis Mount Everest

Hi A9
..
Subzero
Oxygen deprivation
Everest

 

[bogusagain]

Hi A9
..
Subzero
Oxygen deprivation
Everest

breasts like everest
took my breath away
oxygen!

 

[HarryHill]

breasts like everest
took my breath away
oxygen!

Inevitable,
Photography
Discovery = Gasp!

 

[Senna Jawa]

the blue-eyed and winter poems

Angelina and butters, and whoever follows this subthread,

let me start with A's poem:

The air is blue-eyed
so the mountains smile.​

First let me mention two minor items related to one verb is. It's classical to mention that is is not an active verb, i.e it exists mostly grammatically, not poetically. The idea in such cases is to work more on the poem, and let each word carry poetry rather than grammar. The second and related item: this A is B construction sounds a bit like kindergarten.

Now the serious critic, implied, by what I've posted earlier, by a plethora of easy variations which are about as good as most any of them. You have two components which are put together in an arbitrary way. On the top of it the anthropomorphism mountains smile is also arbitrary by itself, it is imposed on the reader. The combination of the the two is not organic (strongly integrated), it's hand made.

Thus A's poem makes a fresh impression with the scenery, the smell of air, and colors, and so on... but... I am still critical. Your poem was still nice. (MANY other poems are arbitrary, and add to them plain language or incompatible, unconvincing comparisons, sometimes unjustified foul language, and then these text are just junk--a weak excuse for showing themself clever; remember, there are game magazines, not to mention theoretical physics).

Let me pass to:

winter on my face​

Butters shared her impression which was her own by-product of already absorbing this poem. Let me also read it directly. The whole poem, up to the last word, winter..., is about winter, this is what is given to the reader. It's only after the last word that the poem is also (that's how poetry works: also) about someone having silver hair, perhaps a man with white beard and mustache. This is an instant juxtaposition of the season (winter) and of a human condition (old age).

Now check on the components. Can you easily replace one season with another? One color with another? Can you have an elbow instead of a face? If you try real hard then who knows. Nevertheless, probabilistically speaking, this poem is integrated, strongly integrated (in particularly, it's convincing, not arbitrary).

Best regards,

 

[Angeline]

Angelina and butters, and whoever follows this subthread,

let me start with A's poem:

The air is blue-eyed
so the mountains smile.​

First let me mention two minor items related to one verb is. It's classical to mention that is is not an active verb, i.e it exists mostly grammatically, not poetically. The idea in such cases is to work more on the poem, and let each word carry poetry rather than grammar. The second and related item: this A is B construction sounds a bit like kindergarten.

Now the serious critic, implied, by what I've posted earlier, by a plethora of easy variations which are about as good as most any of them. You have two components which are put together in an arbitrary way. On the top of it the anthropomorphism mountains smile is also arbitrary by itself, it is imposed on the reader. The combination of the the two is not organic (strongly integrated), it's hand made.

Thus A's poem makes a fresh impression with the scenery, the smell of air, and colors, and so on... but... I am still critical. Your poem was still nice. (MANY other poems are arbitrary, and add to them plain language or incompatible, unconvincing comparisons, sometimes unjustified foul language, and then these text are just junk--a weak excuse for showing themself clever; remember, there are game magazines, not to mention theoretical physics).

Let me pass to:

winter on my face​

Butters shared her impression which was her own by-product of already absorbing this poem. Let me also read it directly. The whole poem, up to the last word, winter..., is about winter, this is what is given to the reader. It's only after the last word that the poem is also (that's how poetry works: also) about someone having silver hair, perhaps a man with white beard and mustache. This is an instant juxtaposition of the season (winter) and of a human condition (old age).

Now check on the components. Can you easily replace one season with another? One color with another? Can you have an elbow instead of a face? If you try real hard then who knows. Nevertheless, probabilistically speaking, this poem is integrated, strongly integrated (in particularly, it's convincing, not arbitrary).

Best regards,

This is a great explanation and very helpful. I don't know that I agree with you about anthropomorphizing because we are human and we love to assign human characteristics to things in life, so why not in a poem, too? But your points about verb choice and about the leading word in your example directing the rest of the line make a lot of sense to me. Well, now they do.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I don't know that I agree with you about anthropomorphizing [...]

Anthropomorphizing seems easy and natural but to turn it into true poetry is very hard. I know only of just one great master of anthropomorphism--Bolesław Leśmian. That's all!

Leśmian puts into anthropomorphisms incredible artistic energy and inventiveness. His are subtle and form small stories, small characters, ... and include good natured humor occasionally. (I posted an essay about Leśmian's poem Wieczorem but the portal has vanished, together with my essay. The Leśmian anthopomorphisms played a major role in that text).

 

[Angeline]

Anthropomorphizing seems easy and natural but to turn it into true poetry is very hard. I know only of just one great master of anthropomorphism--Bolesław Leśmian. That's all!

Leśmian puts into anthropomorphisms incredible artistic energy and inventiveness. His are subtle and form small stories, small characters, ... and include good natured humor occasionally. (I posted an essay about Leśmian's poem Wieczorem but the portal has vanished, together with my essay. The Leśmian anthopomorphisms played a major role in that text).

Is there an example you can recall? Maybe just a line, even. (Sorry I don't mean to monopolize you, but you get me thinking and then I have questions. )

I just read a bit about him and the wiki said he was known, among other things, for his neologisms. I wish I could read Polish because the few translations of Leśmian's poems I'm finding don't have examples of that (maybe an artifact of bad translation). He is also described as lyrical which, unfortunately, doesn't seem to translate well either.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Is there an example you can recall? Maybe just a line, even.

...just a line... . Perhaps I'll open a new thread for anthropomorphisms. This thread to my taste went half the way straight down the drain anyway.

I just read a bit about him and the wiki said he was known, among other things, for his neologisms. I wish I could read Polish because the few translations of Leśmian's poems I'm finding don't have examples of that (maybe an artifact of bad translation). He is also described as lyrical which, unfortunately, doesn't seem to translate well either.

Wikipedia is doing poor job about Leśmian. Perhaps everybody does. There are several known Polish poets, including two Nobel prize winners, while Bolesław Leśmian--the greatest poet since Du Fu--is hardly known at all. I feel already one leg out of here (due to the circumstances I will not bother you anymore ) so I don't know how much I can add, I'll try.

Thank you,

 

[Angeline]

...just a line... . Perhaps I'll open a new thread for anthropomorphisms. This thread to my taste went half the way straight down the drain anyway.


Wikipedia is doing poor job about Leśmian. Perhaps everybody does. There are several known Polish poets, including two Nobel prize winners, while Bolesław Leśmian--the greatest poet since Du Fu--is hardly known at all. I feel already one leg out of here (due to the circumstances I will not bother you anymore ) so I don't know how much I can add, I'll try.

Thank you,

Well even a link to somewhere better to read him would be great.

It's always good to see you, however much time you spend here.

 

[Senna Jawa]

[prison--...]--discussion

I'd like to thank bronzeage again for his comment. Let me also add a penny or nickel.

perspective--prison corridor​

• perspective--hope; planning to achieve a distant goal;
• perspective--the theory of representing spatial configurations; e.g. a road and the trees at the side of the road are framed by parallel lines which converge to i n f i n i t __ y;
• corridor (here long)--associates with perspective, with those roads and the trees on the side of a road...;
• prison--negative;
• perspective--prison corridor -- your hope is your prison;

your hopes (plans, etc) may limit you. That's I guess is the basic dimension of this poem. There are also emotions, etc., the feel of despair, ...

Thank you,

 

[Ashesh9]

breasts like everest
took my breath away
oxygen!

Hillocks like breasts
Arouse
Mountaineers

 

[todski28]

news is in

malignant.

a kind of rip off in thought from a neoneurotic poem I saw in the old passion thread, but I think that one word works as a poem. Any other thoughts? thgis has been an interesting exercise to get the brain thinking in terms of maximum poetic value in minimalism. Thank you Senna for this thread