Switch Space

[petrel]

SpectreT please don't give up on the thread ever! It has been so great first finding that the BDSM minded amongst us had our own pretty little forum and then finding a specific thread for switches. I am sure that as time goes on lots of us will have lotes of questions but here is one from me.

How would you go about topping a man who doesn't like to play sub roles but who will play bottom? I hope that is clear. I have only ever played dom/top with men who were quite willing (if not eager) to be sub.

 

[SpectreT]

petrel:

First, I never give up. EVER. I can be fired, everyone else can give up on me, but I never stop trying. Itell myself I don't care, I hate myself for my tenacity, none of it stops me. Even this thread. I was asking if I'd been "fired" from the "conversation stimulator" job, is all.

Second, I think I can see what you're asking. I'd say my own psyche lends itself more to "bottom" (still wondering if that's the right phrase) than to "sub".

A question:

Does he rankle at "Superior/inferior" situations; do any phrases or activities make him obviously sulky?

A suggestion:

Talk to him. Find out what he's interested in, what his turn-ons are. Yes, it'll feel like you're being given a "laundry list" or a script, it may even give you a feeling of pressure to perform for him. It'll also give you some ideas on how he can serve you. Also, tell him what you're used to, what you'd like. That gives him an idea of how you'd like to play. I'd be willing to bet there's lots of ways to satisfy one another's needs.

 

[SpectreT]

If this Switch Thread is such a great idea...

How come I keep having to slap it back up to the top of the list?

I'm really begining to worry, if there's only four or five of us, and everyone else feels like it's not their place to be here or something....

 

[Tatewaki]

Re: If this Switch Thread is such a great idea...

How come I keep having to slap it back up to the top of the list?

I'm really begining to worry, if there's only four or five of us, and everyone else feels like it's not their place to be here or something....

Hi Spectre T,

Just a short note from "The Silent Among You." Hang in there, man! I do read your thread, it is just that I don't identify with being a switch and have very little to add to the descussion. I do find these alternative points of view interesting, however.

I'm sure one day I'll read something that will incite me to respond with a "What did you mean by ... " kind of post.

Cheers!

-T

 

[litsam]

If I can post a question about the subject. Is it possible that a couple can switch together? Taking turns being Dom/me and sub to each other? From my very little experience, I realize that the respect to one's Dom/me is very important. Is this diminished by seeing that Dom/me in a submissive position, especially when she/he is submissive to me? I see myself as a sub, but I can see how being in control would be fun. However, I may find myself quite happy with the role of a sub. Thanks.

 

[SpectreT]

Cool!

A question whose matter is of relevance and importance!

My own (limited) switch experience was with one partner: She was my Domme (well, when we played, anyway... ), and I was her sub (and a smart-assed one, too...) for the early part of our relationship; we switched, and there was no loss of respect; quite the reverse, actually. I respected her more because she was willing, and then eager, to be the submissive one.

There seem to be some common themes in BDSM, besides the SSC creed. Three of them are Respect, Trust, and Communication. The Dom(me) in a relationship has, in an ideal situation, as much or more respect for the sub as from the sub. That respect just takes on a slightly different mode of expression.

Risia, BlondGirl, petrel, anyone else have some opinions or thoughts to weigh in with? I'm sure I haven't even begun to delve into the wealth of material that question brings.

 

[James Blandings]

If I can post a question about the subject. Is it possible that a couple can switch together? Taking turns being Dom/me and sub to each other? From my very little experience, I realize that the respect to one's Dom/me is very important. Is this diminished by seeing that Dom/me in a submissive position, especially when she/he is submissive to me? I see myself as a sub, but I can see how being in control would be fun. However, I may find myself quite happy with the role of a sub. Thanks.

I believe it is possible, and really pretty common. But the thing is, you don't have to be constricted by narrow ideas of what Dom and sub mean. If both partners switch its most likely that the best way fo them to play is with a minimum of formality. Some couples will have a totem or symbol of some kind, could be a riding crop, or a pair of gloves or something, whovever possesses the symbol at the time is in control. In that sort of relationship, the respect that any couple ought to have for each other should be enough.

 

[James Blandings]

Re: Cool!

A question whose matter is of relevance and importance!

My own (limited) switch experience was with one partner: She was my Domme (well, when we played, anyway... ), and I was her sub (and a smart-assed one, too...) for the early part of our relationship; we switched, and there was no loss of respect; quite the reverse, actually. I respected her more because she was willing, and then eager, to be the submissive one.

There seem to be some common themes in BDSM, besides the SSC creed. Three of them are Respect, Trust, and Communication. The Dom(me) in a relationship has, in an ideal situation, as much or more respect for the sub as from the sub. That respect just takes on a slightly different mode of expression.

Risia, BlondGirl, petrel, anyone else have some opinions or thoughts to weigh in with? I'm sure I haven't even begun to delve into the wealth of material that question brings.

Your attitude is commendable, but unfortunately, not universal in BDSM. I hve on many occasions enountered prejudice towards submissive men and switches, particularly, and this might surprise you, from submissive women. I have been told by submissive women more than once that they could never respect a man they knew had ever bottomed.

 

[litsam]

I'll think you'll find people have different opinions no matter what the subject is. What you said makes sense though, if two people can pull it off, more power to them. It is a difficult task though. I think for now at least, I'm comfortable as a sub. Although, if I don't have a Mistress, or a Domme, does that still make me a sub? Is a person a sub because of who he or she is? Or is it because they have somebody that dominates him?

 

[James Blandings]

I'll think you'll find people have different opinions no matter what the subject is. What you said makes sense though, if two people can pull it off, more power to them. It is a difficult task though. I think for now at least, I'm comfortable as a sub. Although, if I don't have a Mistress, or a Domme, does that still make me a sub? Is a person a sub because of who he or she is? Or is it because they have somebody that dominates him?

If the term "submissive" is one you feel describes you as a person, then you ought to feel free to call yourself one. You are who and what you are, regardless of what relationship status you have.

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

Re: Re: Cool!

Your attitude is commendable, but unfortunately, not universal in BDSM. I hve on many occasions enountered prejudice towards submissive men and switches, particularly, and this might surprise you, from submissive women. I have been told by submissive women more than once that they could never respect a man they knew had ever bottomed.

One of my play partners is a switch and he told me he had trouble to find female subs, who often react like you've described, telling him they can't respect a man/Dom who has knelt before another woman. So this seems to be an international "problem".

Respect is very important to me, I can't stand people who disrespect other people just because the are sub/switch/whatever. And of course... the attitude "My kink is better than your kink" grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Monika

 

[litsam]

I thought so too, but then I thought, you can't call yourself a husband if you're not married. Even if you really want to be married. I know it's not the same. I guess the reason I think that is I am not a submissive in everyday life, it's the opposite. So it's not like I'm acting like a submissive in other areas. In reality, I have not acted like a submissive for probably 5 years, and even then it was not for a long time.

 

[RisiaSkye]

My husband and I both Switch. We have different styles of Dominance, and different needs as subs, which we explore together. For me (and, as I understand, for him), there is *NO* loss of respect attached to a partner who's been on both sides of the paddle. In fact, I respect him more as a Dom when I've recently seen him really commit himself to his own submission--it gives me incentive, stokes my committment to the scene, makes me want to please him *more* because of how well he's pleased me.

Everyone's experience is different, but not everyone plays the "my kink is better than your kink" game.

 

[SpectreT]

Re: Re: Cool!

Your attitude is commendable, but unfortunately, not universal in BDSM. I hve on many occasions enountered prejudice towards submissive men and switches, particularly, and this might surprise you, from submissive women. I have been told by submissive women more than once that they could never respect a man they knew had ever bottomed.

Tell me about it! There are some (okay, several, bordering on lots) of folks who have an ingrained, hard-wired mind with a fully-functioning and immutable set of stereotypes, and they're not limited to the 'Nilla world. No surprise, from that perspective, though I can't even begin to understand why.

<shrug>

People confuse me a lot of the time.

 

[johncorwin]

Now a sub

When i started exploring i switched back and forth. i even domineered a couple and forced the husband to suck me off. later, turn-around is truly fair play, i was forced to suck the cock of a stranger by a rather domineering woman.

what i found was that i'd rather be the one pleasing. in so many ways there is strength to it that goes beyond....

 

[James Blandings]

I dont have much to say tonight, but I want to tell you all how impressed I continue to be by the quality of discussion on these boards. This is really a great bunch of people around here.

 

[litsam]

John,

I agree with you. I think when it comes down to it, I'd rather be the pleaser, I really get a lot of pleasure out of it. And seems like you tapped into my brain there, being foreced to do things I didn't do before, or didn't think I could do before is great.

 

[petrel]

re switching within a relationship.

SpectreT sorry it took me a whle to weigh in on this one;
I don't think it is always possible and sure sometimes that is becasue you have a smartasss who thinks they will be diminished if they are seen to be sub (or dom).
However even with two open minded, confident individuals someoimes it just wont' work. I sub or domme to people dependant on two things
1 What I feel like myself
2 How they as a person make me feel
Now I may feel like playing domme/top but with some people I just find it impossible to imagine them being sub/bottom to me and if the chemistry isn't there then it won't work.
Ont the other hand In a relationship where I would have always expected myself to be domme/top if we had ever played; one day however I found myself 'switching' into sub mode because in the heat and intensity of the moment my desires turned more towards being submissive and I could believe that the person involved could dominate me.

Generally i do Domme to woemn and Sub to men but i think that is less to do with my gender switching and more to do with peoples expectations. For whatever reason it still seems to be easier for women to assume a sub role, and for men to assume a dominant role. To do otherwise means you have to fight conditioning and stereotypes, (so bravo to all of us brave people who try)

Now here is a new question
When did you first Switch? with who, why and what happened afterwards?

 

[SpectreT]

I sub or domme to people dependant on two things
1 What I feel like myself
2 How they as a person make me feel

That sums it up nicely. Question: Does the same person ever stimulate both your submissive and Dominant sides, at different times?

Originally posted by petrel
Now here is a new question
When did you first Switch? with who, why and what happened afterwards?

When? A wee bit over eight years ago, now.

With Whom? And Why? My girlfriend, and experimentally, exploratively, my Domme at the time. She had a sudden curiosity about what I was experiencing, and I was a bit hesitant at first, but after we'd played "reversed" a few times, something fell into place. She and I both got into our roles with a lot more enthusiasm.

What happened afterwards? Well, we didn't switch much after that; she became uncertain and a little awkward dominating me. Ultimately, we broke up, although it was not about our polarity shift.

 

[James Blandings]

Re: re switching within a relationship.

Now here is a new question
When did you first Switch? with who, why and what happened afterwards?

I began switching when I was with my first Mistress, who was a pro Domme,assisting her occasioanally with clients. I discoverd that I liked to be on that end of things as well.

 

[petrel]

Oh dear we seem to have fallen of the edge of the world again. Come along all you switches old and new. And just how many of you are there out there who are denying the desire to switch - I am curious to hear from the silent majority - would you ever switch - if so when, where and with who. I guess I had better post this as a seperate poll otherwise people won't see it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Too evil to switch

Oh dear we seem to have fallen of the edge of the world again. Come along all you switches old and new. And just how many of you are there out there who are denying the desire to switch - I am curious to hear from the silent majority - would you ever switch - if so when, where and with who. I guess I had better post this as a seperate poll otherwise people won't see it.

Since I started as a sub and was not good at it, the desire to switch is just not there for me. But I make no judgment about others who like to switch. To each his/her own.

Ebony

 

[SpectreT]

Oh dear we seem to have fallen of the edge of the world again. Come along all you switches old and new. And just how many of you are there out there who are denying the desire to switch - I am curious to hear from the silent majority - would you ever switch - if so when, where and with who. I guess I had better post this as a seperate poll otherwise people won't see it.

This thread has a tendancy to disappear pretty quickly, only re-appearing when I or someone else has a thought or a question, and those thoughts and questions usually get buried with few or no replies.

Very frustrating, for all that I've read about how good and important it is to have a thread to discuss switch issues, no one wants to discuss anything.

<dragging soapbox into the path, and standing on it>

People!

This thread (like any other) is only of relevance and importance if all of us make it so! I'm only one man, with an 8 - 4:30 Weekday job (Eastern Daylight Savings Time, US) which keeps me away from here quite a bit. I can't post all the questions and all the answers! I started this so we could all share views, opinions, tips and techniques! So we could all benefit from each others' experience, thoughts, and perspective.

C'mon, now, I know I'm not the only one..... Are there any Switches out there who feel like, i dunno, discussing anything?

<blushing furiously, climbing down off the soapbox>

 

[pierced_boy]

Anything new as I am

.

 

[Guest]

my turn!

Rightio, having gone from a relationship where I was very much the domme (and a damn fine one if I do say so myself!) on friday night i was dominated for the first time by my new partner who is another one of this strange switch breed in which i find myself.

w/We started with a wrestling match, this was unintentional i think, but it meant that the victor (Him) started out with me already physically submissive, partly because i was so out of breath!

i was absolutely terrified, although i had already swapped lists of our limits with Him, i found it very difficult to suddenly think that He was totally in control.

i loved it.

hmmm, dreaming until the next time...