"To keep the review thread clean..."

[twelveoone]

re: sandyb's poem
The Eumenides

a classical allusion brough to stark modernity. The lines chip and 1201 have highlighted are of course wonderful, but the last line is outstanding. You don't need the commas in Line 4, and I feel maybe you need a grammatical payoff for the list of "or's". A great poem that repays rereading. Recommended. Tymore..

Now, I'm embarrassed, thanks Fridayam.
I had enough trouble with the Brad Pitt movie.
The Eumenides
Who starred in this one?

 

[Liar]

Every time I try to read a poem and comment on poems the last few days, I have a brain fart. Really annoying. Hopefully I'll snap out of it soon. Looks like I've missed some good ones.

 

[butters]

thanks, theo, for taking the time to read and comment on 'plenty of fish in the sea'

for here:

but i hate the barbed hooks
gill-stuck and compromising
hate the frantic thrash of rainbowed flanks
that roiling desperation

i used compromising in this sense: #

1. exposure, as of one's reputation, to danger, suspicion, or disrepute
2. a weakening, as of one's principles

so more like being in a compromising situation, alluding to the sexual nature of the activity. i can see how 'uncompromising' would work, but i think it would change the sense of my meaning too much.

as for bait to baiting ... i feel bait keeps it firmly in the present tense as it stands. the i'd being i would, not i had. by adding that 'ing', i feel it allows too much ambiguity there, and the line feels cleaner to me without the gerund.

thankyou for making me take a closer look at the write, though, to think hard about your suggestions.

 

[vrosej10]

needed either a chainsaw or a bong.
anybody been readin' the virus guy?
I know what he's up too
I know what he's up too
I know what he's up too
it don't work

You and Chip were so right. I think I felt into the trap of following the actual events too closely and should have departed for the sake of art. Yes I've been read virus. He's intense but his intial brilliance has digressed to a repetitive mush. I read and commented but didn't review. I am overtired.

 

[theognis]

thanks, theo, for taking the time to read and comment on 'plenty of fish in the sea'

for here:

but i hate the barbed hooks
gill-stuck and compromising
hate the frantic thrash of rainbowed flanks
roiling desperation

i used compromising in this sense: #

1. exposure, as of one's reputation, to danger, suspicion, or disrepute
2. a weakening, as of one's principles

so more like being in a compromising situation, alluding to the sexual nature of the activity. i can see how 'uncompromising' would work, but i think it would change the sense of my meaning too much.

as for bait to baiting ... i feel bait keeps it firmly in the present tense as it stands. the i'd being i would, not i had. by adding that 'ing', i feel it allows too much ambiguity there, and the line feels cleaner to me without the gerund.

thankyou for making me take a closer look at the write, though, to think hard about your suggestions.

I just read the poem several more times, and I see what you mean. But you're welcome.

if only i'd spread
breadcrumbs on the surface
baited blue waters
with shiny, pretty lures

but i hated the barbed hooks
gill-stuck and uncompromising
hated the frantic thrash of rainbowed flanks
roiling in desperation

i don't even have a keep net
anymore

I just had to do that. I'm going to steal it and claim I wrote it and it's very different than yours.

 

[twelveoone]

You and Chip were so right. I think I felt into the trap of following the actual events too closely and should have departed for the sake of art. Yes I've been read virus. He's intense but his intial brilliance has digressed to a repetitive mush. I read and commented but didn't review. I am overtired.

Poetic lying that is how poetry did get it's start.

Get some rest.

virus doesn't work, there isn't anything human, nor even a ghost of a story.
scales (so to speak) from a poetry machine.

 

[butters]

I just read the poem several more times, and I see what you mean. But you're welcome.

if only i'd spread
breadcrumbs on the surface
baited blue waters
with shiny, pretty lures

but i hated the barbed hooks
gill-stuck and uncompromising
hated the frantic thrash of rainbowed flanks
roiling in desperation

i don't even have a keep net
anymore

I just had to do that. I'm going to steal it and claim I wrote it and it's very different than yours.

lol, yer welcome - past tensed it and kept your uncompromising. just quote me as your inspiration

 

[theognis]

chipbutty

I keep thinking about your poem, and how different it would be this way:



plenty of fish in the sea

if only i'd spread
breadcrumbs on the surface
baited blue waters
with shiny, pretty lures

but i hated the barbed hooks
gill-stuck and uncompromising
hated the frantic thrash of rainbowed flanks
roiling in desperation

i don't even have a keep net
anymore



I see the poem as being about an older woman, still single and alone, looking back on the past and thinking of what might have been. A woman who thought there were so many fish in the sea one would surely jump into her lap, sooner or later, and all she had to do was wait, taking no action to hook one for herself. Sadly, none jumped, and now she thinks she couldn't catch and hold one if it did.

 

[butters]

I keep thinking about your poem, and how different it would be this way:



plenty of fish in the sea

if only i'd spread
breadcrumbs on the surface
baited blue waters
with shiny, pretty lures

but i hated the barbed hooks
gill-stuck and uncompromising
hated the frantic thrash of rainbowed flanks
roiling in desperation

i don't even have a keep net
anymore



I see the poem as being about an older woman, still single and alone, looking back on the past and thinking of what might have been. A woman who thought there were so many fish in the sea one would surely jump into her lap, sooner or later, and all she had to do was wait, taking no action to hook one for herself. Sadly, none jumped, and now she thinks she couldn't catch and hold one if it did.

written your way, that's exactly what it sounds like. and fair play to you.

my version is more about she can't be arsed, as she's been in long term relationships with plenty of sex since being old enough and is now single and it all seems too much of a bother at her age (and doubts she even has the 'lures' anymore, lol) when there are so many other aspects of life to enjoy

 

[theognis]

written your way, that's exactly what it sounds like. and fair play to you.

my version is more about she can't be arsed, as she's been in long term relationships with plenty of sex since being old enough and is now single and it all seems too much of a bother at her age (and doubts she even has the 'lures' anymore, lol) when there are so many other aspects of life to enjoy

Well, as you can probably tell, I'm tremendously impressed with this particular effort on your part. I really do think you hit a home run with this one, as we say over here.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Oh come on!!!!! I settle down to do the new poems and find I can't comment againnnnnnnnn! I type them in and the loading thing just keeps going round and round and nothing happens! Is not a happy bunny

 

[vrosej10]

Oh come on!!!!! I settle down to do the new poems and find I can't comment againnnnnnnnn! I type them in and the loading thing just keeps going round and round and nothing happens! Is not a happy bunny

use the bug button. I got a comment from Koba that appears on my own commenty thing but not on the actual poem...

 

[UnderYourSpell]

use the bug button. I got a comment from Koba that appears on my own commenty thing but not on the actual poem...

what bug button? some have now gone through others still sticking

 

[bogusagain]

Thanks for the comments on my poem 'cat woman'. Some interesting points and a lot to chew over. I never knew chip butty's were so tough!

You've got me thinking Ange. There is a reason why I am writing in a block like I have been doing these last few poems. Once you persuaded me to sign up for the 52 pick up thread, I had this thought I wanted to do something beyond just writing the odd poem a week. I've had this idea, which might be totally msiconceived and you may say so, about making a sort of snap shot book, like a book of photo snaps only with poems. It seemed to me to make this work, all the poems had to be in a similar format (maybe this is the visual artist in me), one on a page in a square format book. I accept it is a challenge to write a book full of poems in a similar format and keep it interesting but hey, why not? There is a poet I like, a New Yorker (I think), Marvin Bell who wrote a book full of poems in the same format that I love, called. The Escape Into You.

You may tell me I'm stupid, I know I probably am.

 

[butters]

i'm not tough, i'm a pussy cat. but seriously, i only offered thoughts. you're quite welcome to discard anything that doesn't sit well with you.

i think your idea about the book, the square formatting, is kind of cool btw - and i guess you'd lose that chopping back some of the lines as i ventured.

 

[bogusagain]

i'm not tough, i'm a pussy cat. but seriously, i only offered thoughts. you're quite welcome to discard anything that doesn't sit well with you.

I really wouldn't want you to hold back! Seriously, you made some interesting points and I appreciate them and will probably act on a couple. Your critique was valid and welcome.

i think your idea about the book, the square formatting, is kind of cool btw - and i guess you'd lose that chopping back some of the lines as i ventured.

I think one or two lines will have to go but will need replacing. Somehow they have to work and sound right and not just be make weight.

 

[butters]

I really wouldn't want you to hold back! Seriously, you made some interesting points and I appreciate them and will probably act on a couple. Your critique was valid and welcome.



I think one or two lines will have to go but will need replacing. Somehow they have to work and sound right and not just be make weight.

oh that's ok then. only i had some time and no-one around today so i could actually sit and concentrate for once. makes a nice change.

indeed *nods*


your username sounds cool backwards - jus' sayin'

niaga sugob

now you sound all oriental

 

[UnderYourSpell]

oh that's ok then. only i had some time and no-one around today so i could actually sit and concentrate for once. makes a nice change.

indeed *nods*


your username sounds cool backwards - jus' sayin'

niaga sugob

now you sound all oriental

that makes you Y ttub pich lol I used to know a nasus egdirdla

 

[vrosej10]

what bug button? some have now gone through others still sticking

If you look down the right hand side of the page where all the facebook shit etc has appeared, there is a' report a bug' button. I think its about time Laurel and co put a bomb under the problems that are going on on the poetry page.

 

[vrosej10]

Thanks for all the comments on I Contain Multitudes and the recommend.
Sorry Fridayam, I know it is a little more vague than my usual stuff. I was hoping the reference in the title to the Whitman poem would hint at its meaning.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself"
US poet (1819 - 1892)


Chip, every line in this poem was added and subtracted about ten times until it settled on this. For some reason removing that line just made it flop.

Ange; the shape was dictated by enjambment to create double meaning in the last three words, thus that the person is an A, serpentine, bolder (double meaning) and a serpentine boulder. I also used the sound I sounding I to indicate that the person is kinda on an ego trip.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks for the comments on my poem 'cat woman'. Some interesting points and a lot to chew over. I never knew chip butty's were so tough!

You've got me thinking Ange. There is a reason why I am writing in a block like I have been doing these last few poems. Once you persuaded me to sign up for the 52 pick up thread, I had this thought I wanted to do something beyond just writing the odd poem a week. I've had this idea, which might be totally msiconceived and you may say so, about making a sort of snap shot book, like a book of photo snaps only with poems. It seemed to me to make this work, all the poems had to be in a similar format (maybe this is the visual artist in me), one on a page in a square format book. I accept it is a challenge to write a book full of poems in a similar format and keep it interesting but hey, why not? There is a poet I like, a New Yorker (I think), Marvin Bell who wrote a book full of poems in the same format that I love, called. The Escape Into You.

You may tell me I'm stupid, I know I probably am.

I do not ever think you're stupid and I further think it's a pretty cool idea. You are an artist and I should have guessed there was method to the madness.

 

[twelveoone]

Thanks for all the comments on I Contain Multitudes and the recommend.
Sorry Fridayam, I know it is a little more vague than my usual stuff. I was hoping the reference in the title to the Whitman poem would hint at its meaning.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself"
US poet (1819 - 1892)


Chip, every line in this poem was added and subtracted about ten times until it settled on this. For some reason removing that line just made it flop.

Ange; the shape was dictated by enjambment to create double meaning in the last three words, thus that the person is an A, serpentine, bolder (double meaning) and a serpentine boulder. I also used the sound I sounding I to indicate that the person is kinda on an ego trip.

Just in case you ever wonder why I give you 5's.
You have to do that.
Every once and now, some amusing piece of trash pops in your head, so it's OK if they pop out every so often, and if you and the audience know that is all it is, that's fine.
But serious work, you have to get serious about. Even on less serious the amount of discards and revisions is usually about equal. Some things (for me), ten pages of discard for 14 lines.

 

[twelveoone]

Thanks for the comments on my poem 'cat woman'. Some interesting points and a lot to chew over. I never knew chip butty's were so tough!

You've got me thinking Ange. There is a reason why I am writing in a block like I have been doing these last few poems. Once you persuaded me to sign up for the 52 pick up thread, I had this thought I wanted to do something beyond just writing the odd poem a week. I've had this idea, which might be totally msiconceived and you may say so, about making a sort of snap shot book, like a book of photo snaps only with poems. It seemed to me to make this work, all the poems had to be in a similar format (maybe this is the visual artist in me), one on a page in a square format book. I accept it is a challenge to write a book full of poems in a similar format and keep it interesting but hey, why not? There is a poet I like, a New Yorker (I think), Marvin Bell who wrote a book full of poems in the same format that I love, called. The Escape Into You.

You may tell me I'm stupid, I know I probably am.

Aye,
sounds like a good reason for a sonnet, aspect ratio is the same.

you know you could use some of the white space there is usually a horizon line in photos

 

[PoetGuy]

Poet Guy thanks all of you who took the time to read and comment on "Roundelay," specifically Angeline, bflagsst, bogusagain, chipbutty, fridayam, twelveoone, UnderYourSpell, and vrosej10. Your comments are both interesting and helpful.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Thanks to theognis, MyZenTrail, Esperanza Hidalgo and an anonymous (whom I know but is too shy to be identified ) for the comments and suggestions for my poems, Breathing Without Oxygen and I Realized Your Avatar is a Wraith.

Also thanks to vrosej10 for the comments in the New Poetry Recommendations thread.