where is D fiant?

[MathGirl]

Jeeeeeeeezuzzzzuh! Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Hi, everyone. Just me again, sneaking out a message on the mad woman's computer. I've been in this dungeon for a long time, you know. I'm still hoping to be RESCUED. I hate to be a pest, but you promised to send HELP, and I've seen no sign of RESCUE. I certainly hope you wonderful people haven't forgotten me.

Well, after over sixty continuous hours, the mad woman shut off the preachers in the speakers attached to my iron hat. If I ever hear another good ol' boy scream "Jeeeeeeeeeezzuzzzuh," it will drive me mad. Mad, I tell you. Mad, mad, MAD. Hahahahahahahahahaha

I'm still strapped into the special chair with my you-know-whats hanging down through the hole in the seat. At random intervals, the you-know-whats get a sharp rap from below with a ping pong paddle. It's hard to sleep or really relax, never knowing when you're going to get a whack on the you-know-whats. I'm getting used to it, though, and I seem to be developing callouses on my you-know-whats.

My worst fears were realized. Last night, after she shut off the preachers, the mad woman put the TV set right in front of my chair. Then she nailed my ears to the back of the chair so I can't turn my head. My eyelids are held open with duct tape, so I'm forced to stare at the TV set at all times. Then, horror of horrors, she put on a long VCR tape. It's almost too terrible to relate, but I'm going to watch "Oprah" continuously for the rest of the week. No breaks for sleep, flogging, or even the anthill. "Oprah" 24/7, and I can't even close my eyes or turn my head away. The speakers in my iron hat pick up the sound very nicely. I get all the shouts, screams, sobs, and cries in stereo. Loud.

I know I won't be able to take it for very long. I'll finally snap. It's enough to drive me mad! Mad, I tell you. Mad, mad, MAD. Hahahahahahahaha

Oh, gosh, here comes the mad woman. I'd better get back in my chair.

D fiant

Ps. Jeeeeeeeezuzzzzzzzzzuh!

Pps. Hahahahahahahahaha

 

[shingtao]

ouch

Sorry I took so long, but I have been very busy with work and party gatherings. I didn't forget about you though, and I am still trying to find a way to get you out. I know watching that much Oprah can cause some kind of brain damage, but you must keep looking on the bright side. I am beginning to see that you are starting to lose your mental stability, so I will try to hurry my rescue plans along. But first, must go shopping for some new clothes; niece's birthday party is tomorrow. Till then and good luck.

Shingtao

 

[MathGirl]

Shing, Mercy, All my Supporters

It certainly has been an interesting day. I got a reprieve from "Oprah." The 100 hour marathon during which I get "Oprah" 24 hours a day doesn't start until tonight.

I was moaning and groaning about my newly hatched hemorrhoids, so the mad woman decided to take care of them. As long as she had the blowtorch lit, she gave me a thorough going over. I passed out while she was doing the hemorrhoids, but I regained consciousness when she was using the blowtorch to remove my nose hairs. The smell of burning hair in your nose will awaken the dead, believe me.

Since she had the torch lit with a nice blue flame, she also removed the wax from both my ears, shaved my underarms, and cured an ingrown toenail that had been bothering me for months. That mad woman is a real demon when she gets that blowtorch lit.

She had given me a couple of hours to recover from the torch, and my bottom is really quite tender. She says it will be better than having hemorrhoids, once it heals up. The mad woman is very thoughtful. I'm afraid I complained too much about the pain, because she said, "I'll give you something to complain about." She then hogtied me and threw me into the privy pit. Actually, it's soothing to my sore spots.

Oh, dear, here she comes. It's back into the privy pit for me.

Thank you for all your wonderful messages of support.

D fiant

Ps. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzuzzzzzzzzzzzuh

 

[MathGirl]

Oprah, Oprah, Oprah

Well, at least the mad woman gave me a decent meal before the marathon of "Oprah" starts.

I'm not sure about the meat she served, though. I think it was probably called "Skippy" or "Mister Whiskers" yesterday.

 

[MercyMia]

Shopping List

D fiant,

You seem to be on a high protein diet with all that mystery meat. Should I bring along some nice bright green spinach on the rescue effort? I have a bag by the computer with some preparation H (which I see you don't need anymore), and ice cubes (but they seem to disappear as fast as I put them in) and will keep adding items depending on your emails.

MM

 

[MathGirl]

Good morning

Hi, all. Just wanted to give you an update and remind you about RESCUE. That isn't too much to ask, is it? RESCUE?

When the mad woman let me out of the privy pit, she gave me a moment to clean up. I wish she had given me more than a single Kleenex, though. Hahahahahahahaha I know, mister complainer. Sorry. I should be grateful for what I get.

I'm in my chair, about ten hours into my 100 hour "Oprah" marathon. Only 90 hours to go. With my ears nailed to the chair and my eyelids held open with duct tape, I don't have much choice but to watch it. I always hated commercials on TV. Whap ... EEEeeeyyyoooooowwwwwwww Now I'd LOVE to have the endless closeups of that fat woman with too much makeup interrupted by a nice advertisement for laxatives, douches, or feminine itching remedies. I almost look forward to having my nu.. you-know-whats whacked from below. Jeeeeezzzzuzzzzuh It takes my mind off that woman on the TV and my screams drown out the sobs and shrieks of her guests. I thought the preachers were bad. At least I didn't have to watch. Hahahahahahahaha

Oh, oh. Here comes the mad woman. .. whap .... Eeeeeyyooowwwww.. .

D fiant

Ps.. MM, Thank you for your support. You're so good to me. I really don't need veggies. I need RESCUE.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Really, D fiant, you're quite ungrateful!

This nice woman gives you food and shelter, and you just whine and complain all the time. If you ask me, you don't deserve all the nice food that lady is giving you. Perhaps a few days of fasting would make you appreciate what she gives you, a litle bit more.

 

[MathGirl]

Bubbabbabbabbabababababa

Hi, all. Just me again. Hahahahahahahahaha I think I've found the human tolerance limit for "Oprah." After twelve continuous, uninterrupted hours of viewing, something seems to have snapped inside my head. Jeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzuuuuuzzzzzzzzuh My brain has turned into something resembling vanilla pudding with a few raisins in, and I expect it to start dribbling out through my ears any time now.

When "Oprah" first started, my rat friends seemed to love it. They lined up in front of the TV and were hypnotized by the fat woman with all the makeup and the plastic hair. I guess the rat tolerance for "Oprah" is lower, because they started acting strangely after a few hours. Whap ... Owowowowowowie Enid tried to eat her own tail. Bruce and Julian tried to bugger each other at the same time, and it turned into a nasty fight. They finally disappeared through a hole in the dungeon wall, scratching and biting. I'm worried about poor Edith. She just crouches there, twitching and squeaking. Jeeeeeeezzzzzzuuuuuzzzzzuh

I'd better close now. Whap ..... EEEooowwwwwwwwwww The current "Oprah" show is ending with half the guests screaming curses at each other and the other half just sitting and sobbing. I'm afraid the next episode will be starting soon. Bubbabbabbabbabbabbabba

Only about 85 hours of "Oprah" to go, and I'm sure I'll be able to hahahahahahahahahahaha withstand it.

Hoping to hear from you Jeeeeeeeezzzzzzzuuuuzzzzzzzzuh soon,

D fiant

 

[MercyMia]

D fiant

I've been watching Oprah and Martha for YEARS, and I don't feel brain damaged at all. Now I know everyone is different and we all have our individual tastes. But I've never seen an Oprah show where guests are screaming at each other at the end. Is your tonker affecting your eyesight? Maybe you're seeing a round, pretty black woman instead of a white, disheveled white guy with eye glasses? The latter is Jerry. Jerry Springer. I know you might have confused the two, but please pay closer attention, okay?

I'm sorry to hear about your rat friends' insanity. I can call the university's animal psychology center and ask what I should bring for the rats. Maybe some soothing Yanni music? Could you ask the dear little rodents, bless their hearts.

All right, I'm baking a rhubarb-broccoli pie for Mrs. Collins across the street. She's been acting very strangely and frankly, I'm worried about her. She hardly leaves her house for weeks and when she does, it's usually to head straight to Home Depot to buy these massive tools. The other month, I could swear I saw her hauling in an anvil from her truck. She lives quite alone so I can't imagine what she would need with an anvil.

Also, sometimes I hear strange sounds--loud hammering noises followed by high-pitched squealing. I don't mean to be nosy, but just want to make sure the poor woman is all right. I thought, now what would Martha do in a situation like this?

That's when I came up with the pie idea. My recipe book calls for strawberries and rhubarb, but...well, I won't bore you with these details.

Hmmm, there's that funny screaming again. Well, I'll find out soon enough! Gotta bake this pie and bring it across to her!

 

[MathGirl]

Hahahahahaha

Dear MM,
You've been watching "Oprah" for years? Poor baby. It can drive a person mad. Do you hear me? Mad! Mad, mad, MAD. Hahahahahahaha

The mad woman popped down for a minute to tell me what's for lunch today. Bababbabbabbabababa It's some sort of pie a well meaning neighbor sent over. I won't get any pie until it's worked its way through the dog, though.

D fiant

Ps.. I didn't note any Jeeeeezzzzzuuzzzzzuh mention of RESCUE in your last message.

Pps.. Is your Mrs Collins a tall, thin redhaired woman?

 

[MercyMia]

The impatience of youth

I don't mention rescue in every email but it's certainly ever present in my thoughts.

I haven't seen enough of Mrs. Collins to know what she actually looks like. She tends to wear a pointy black hat and some sort of black covering over her clothes--you might call it a cape. If I were to see her out at night, I might just mistake her for a witch. But surely that's just my imagination.

It sounds like your captor has nice neighbors who send pies over, too. I'd be curious to know what kind you got, but of course, as you mentioned, it has to pass through the dog first, so...

At any rate, when I left the pie at Mrs. Collins' earlier, she just shouted through the door to leave it on the porch. I could hear buzzing noises so she must have been busy. Funny smells too. But never mind, one can't be *too* inquisitive.

Well, off to tape another Jerry Springer episode. Mrs. Collins has been leaving blank video tapes on *my* porch and asking me to tape as many shows as I can. I don't watch his show now, mind you, but luckily, my machine can tape other stations while I watch my Martha Stewart! I *do* try to be accommodating.

It's gone oddly quiet across the street. Oh well, I suppose the woman doesn't work *all* the time.

MM

 

[MathGirl]

G. Rivera

Why is it that the mere sight of Geraldo Rivera makes my fists itch? Babababababababbaa

Lunch today? Whap... Eyyyooooooooowwwww Let me just say that I'm worried about the poor, sick doggie.

D fiant

Ps .. Hehehehehehehe Ahahahahahahahaha

 

[Svenskaflicka]

WHAT???

Cruelty to animals??? OK, that's it! I wasn't going to interfere here, but that last part was just too much!!!

No poor, innocent rat should be subjected to the torture of watching Oprah!!!

I'm arranging a rat rescue team immediately!

Let's see... Rescue Rangers... what's the phone number..?

 

[MathGirl]

G-G-G-G-Geraldo

Hi, everyone. We just played one of the mad woman's favorite games. It's called "Mister Potty." Jeeeeezzzzzzuzzzzzzzzzzuh Unfortunately, I always get to play the title role.

She's switched me from "Oprah" to "Geraldo." That's like being saved from the firing squad so you can be hanged. Now it's going to be a hundred uninterrupted hours of "Geraldo."

Here I am, shackled to the chair, ears nailed, eyelids taped open, watching Geraldo. It really isn't such a bad show if you ignore the fact that Geraldo is a slimy little bastard and the audience has a average IQ comparable to that of a spare tire. BBabababababababa oh, Bbabababababa The guests are okay, as long as you don't mind lowlifes, felons, sunsabitches, wife beaters, liars, ne'er do wells, frauds, child molesters, petty criminals, fornicators, welfare cheats, motherfuckers, unemployables, idiots, sodomites and just plain assholes. I'm sure the camera work is excellent. Hahahahahahahaha Always find something positive to say, that's my motto.

Two of my privy mouse friends, Louis and Joyce, have joined me to watch Geraldo. The show seems perfectly suited to their intelligence. I'm afraid it was just slightly over Ronald's head, though. He's a little slow, even for a spider. Mmamamamamamamamamamaama

I sure wish I had a nice mug of not urine. It would help get this awful taste out of my mouth. Sorry, I know I complain too much.

Yours TruJeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzuhly

D fiant

Bobobobobobobobobobobobobo

 

[MathGirl]

Poor meeeeeeeeeeee

Hi, all. Hope all is well with you. The frequency of my you-know-whats being hit from underneath seems to Whap ....... Yeeeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwww be increasing. Bobobobobobobobobo Otherwise, all is the same. Me sitting here, shackled to the chair, watching an endless tape of "Geraldo."

The rats left in disgust after watching for about an hour, and I can't say I blame them. Now it's just me and Ronald the spider watching. He seems to really like Geraldo Rivera. They're probably related. I have over ninety hours of "Geraldo" to go, and it's going to drive me stark, raving mad. Mad, I tell you. Mad, mad, MAD. Hahahahhahahahahhaa ... Whap ..... Arrrrggghhhhh.

Nothing like an unexpected sharp rap to the nu.. you-know-whats to straighten a person up.

Since I have to sit in this chair, I no longer get strung up by the tonker. It's finally started to return to its normal shape after all the stretching. Jeeeezzzzzzuzzzzzuh It's only a little more than two feet long now and about the diameter of a pencil.

Oh, dear, here comes the mad woman. Probably bringing me a steaming pile of ..... dinner.

D Bbobobobobbababababababa fiant

Ps. Geraldo is a turd fondler

 

[MathGirl]

GFheradlo

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzuh

Ger..... bobobobobobobobbabababababababababa

Gera .... mamamamamamamamammmmmaamama

Geraldo.... YYiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[MathGirl]

Reward! Missing Man! Reward!

Oh, dear. He's gone. Er....... Umm.......

Hello everyone out there. It seems that a .... guest has been using my computer to send .. messages that were posted here. I just want you all to know that there's no truth to anything he might have said. None at all.

He has been missing from the palatial guest quarters in my ... lower floor since this morning. I took him in about two weeks ago when he fell into a pit I'd dug in my front yard. No, the pit was NOT a trap of any kind. I dug it for .... umm.... good reasons.

As a humanitarian, I had given the poor man shelter, food, regular exercise, and recreation. I'd even provided him with state-of-the-art audio and visual entertainment, complete with custom programming. He was a chronic complainer, though, and didn't seem to fully appreciate the care and attention he was getting.

I would greatly appreciate your help in returning the man so I can complete his program of recovery. He was last seen staggering down the street, naked, muttering, "Geraldo ...... Geraldo .... Geraldo ........."

He can be identified by his pierced ears and a somewhat ... elongated ..... tonker. He also has an .... appliance fitted to his .... posterior region. This must only be removed by qualified personnel such as myself.

Anyone capt... finding this gentleman should return him to the address below. A liberal reward will be paid for his return, and the tortures of the damned will be visited upon anyone who fails to do so.

Thank you so much for your understanding and cooperation.

The Mad Woman
22 Natcher Street

Ps. Hahahahahahahahahaha

Pps. My kitty misses him. He made such a good stratching post. Also, the litter box is getting overfull.

 

[MercyMia]

Tilting Head in Puzzlement

Are you the mad captor, er, the hospitable hostess of D fiant? Do you know, I believe we might be neighbors. You've been leaving blank video tapes on my porch and I dropped off that rhubarb broccoli pie last week.

22 Natcher St. Why, I'm at 23! Let me wave out my window at you! Hello! It's so nice to have an email pen pal. Martha Stewart says this is the safest form of communication these days, as long as one has an active anti-virus program. Not that you'd give me any viruses!

Say, have you been to the donut museum yet?

MercyMia

 

[MathGirl]

Me again

Hi, everyone. Yes, it's me. I'm back in the mad woman's dungeon. Unable to communicate with the outside world except when I can sneak a message like this one out using her computer.

She found me walking along a dark street, trying to find a helpful citizen. It's really difficult to find someone willing to help a naked man with a two foot tonker in the middle of the night.

Well, to make a long story short, she lassoed me and drug me back to her place behing her car. The short detour through that cactus patch was my punishment for escaping. Now I'm back, hogtied in the privy pit.

Oh, dear. Here she comes. It's back in the pit for me. More as soon as I can. Oh, the pit is a lot better than watching "Geraldo." Of course almost anything is.

D fiant

 

[MercyMia]

D fiant

I left a trail of donut crumbs leading from 22 Natcher St to my house. I called the police but was put on hold and had to listen to muzak for half an hour before I got to leave a message. I said, "Please come back from your vacation and rescue D fiant at 22 Natcher St." But the machine beeped before I said Natcher St.

Two foot tonker? Maybe applying some of the Preparation H on that will shrink it a bit.

 

[MathGirl]

Hemorrhoids down to my knees

Two foot tonker? Maybe applying some of the Preparation H on that will shrink it a bit.

I NEVER GOT any Preparation H, remember? What do you know about tonkers, anyway?

Jeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzuuuzzzzzzzzzzzuh

Almost lunch time. The mad woman is going to microwave the whole litter box, so I'll have a nice hot lunch. Sounds yummy.

It's back to "Geraldo" after lunch, and you know how that affects me. PLEASE send HELP!!

D fiant

Ps.. Babababababababbabababa hee hee hee hee hee

 

[MathGirl]

Wannannannanna

Wanna cookie Wanna cookie Wanna cookie Wanna cookie

Babababbabababababababa Mamamamamamamamamam

Gawgo potty Wanna cookie Babababababababababababa

Bikkit Wanna bikkit potty Gawgo potty Wanna cookie

BeeeEmmmmm potty Gawgo potty potty potty COOKIE!

Wawawawawawawawawawawwa bibibibibibibibibibi

D fiant

Ps. Jeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzuuzzzzzzzzzzuh

Pps. BIKKIT!!

 

[MercyMia]

Hello D

Your last missive was most entertaining. It looks like lyrics to a rap song CD my son keeps playing.

I checked the donut crumb trail this morning. Most of the trail had dissolved in the dew but there are enough white crumbs to give clues to the police whenever they get here. I'm baking another batch of pies today--watermelon rind and orange peel. The recipe is from Martha Stewart's runaway best seller, Cooking with Leftovers. Expect one of my creations on the mad woman's portch later this afternoon.

I'll wrap a couple of boxes of Preparation H, too. Any other needs? I feel like I'm packing a goodie box for a kid at summer camp!

MM

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Hello D

I'll wrap a couple of boxes of Preparation H, too. Any other needs? I feel like I'm packing a goodie box for a kid at summer camp!MM

Dear MM,

I don't know what kind of summer camp your kids to go, but we never needed Preparation H where I went.

BBababababababbabababa Gawgo potty Beeeee Emmmmm

Wanna cookie Wanna cookie Wanna go POTTY! Beee Emmm

Bikkit! Wanna Bikkit Jeeeeeezzzzzzuuzzzzzzzzzzuh

Mamamamamamamamamama Pottypottypottypottypotty

D Fiant

Ps. HELP!

 

[MercyMia]

Make that 3 tubes of Preparation H.