Why do you cede or accept control outside the bedroom?

[intothewoods]

Hmmm....great poll. I am trying to figure out where I fit. I chose that I cede control outside of the bedroom because it reinforces the bedroom dynamic, but I also do have a strong need to serve.

Then again, in reading Bandit's post, that sounds closer to me. I just like to take care of people. I also really like to be cared for myself. I think I need to know that my man will catch me if I fall. I don't know if that's really D/s though, as just plain old solid partnership.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can't say I share this experience. I don't think it's because I'm a top, I think it's because I choose to discuss SM with people who have a clue and avoid the topic with unknown quantities and people with whom the battle is pointless, and I don't put it out there.

People are going to believe the worst about me if they want, and there's nothing I say in defense of my own mental health or good intentions that's going to change those minds, and frankly it's their right to be pissed off and freaked out and small minded with nothing better to live for than to spam inboxes if that's their choice in life.

I just feel sorry for them.

Have to say I am like you Netzach...I have posted on a suicide forum, and depression forum briefly, get published regularly in a couple of newspapers when I care to comment on particular issues, and post nearly daily on Flickr, and except for a couple of people who are obviously into the lifestyle and/or fetish and our paths cross, I never feel the need to mention the D/s status of our relationship...and it is usually they who mention it first, usually by inviting me to a particular group etc., so that they are not putting their foot into something if they have picked up the wrong vibes.

It isn't because I am ashamed of it, quite the opposite, but it just isn't relevant in those places, not to mention the only person whose opinion truly matters to me is F, and we are very private about all aspects of our life, not just the D/s. I sometimes mention F in reference to something being discussed, but most people take it as just another person mentioning their SO. Just like the many other aspects of who I am such as mother, grandmother, daughter, wife, feminist, conservationist, left wing, professional, artist, being a slave is just one of my facets and like the rest, doesn't require being announced in places where it doesn't feature as part of the environment.

Catalina

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I just feel sorry for them.

Can't say I do these days. People can be excused a lack of knowledge but not blinkered, wilfull ignorance.

It does happen less now to be honest but whenever I'm posting here I'm very aware that it's public and open to being misunderstood by people. I suppose it's an over-reaction and I'm willing to concede that. I need to be more confident and not feel it encumbent on me to qualify every damn thing I say.

Catalina I agree with your post. I don't use a kinky profile anywhere except lit but at the same time I post on the How To forum and elsewhere and see no reason to alter my lit persona. This is me and if people are too stupid and ignorant to think I have anything worthwhile to contribute or that I'm incapable of discussing anything except kink then screw them. OTOH a small minority have been confrontational and offensive via pm and I will have my say before I just ignore them.

 

[h_i_s]

I have a need to be guided/nurtured/led in areas unrelated to sex or SM play by Him because it substains the relationship dynamic and ALLOWS it to exist without limitation.

Plus, bonus is.. because He IS in control and has final say in all areas...... we rarely have arguements. It's not easy. It requires a great deal of trust. It keeps things pretty simple though... less complicated. We are very peaceful and happy 99.9999 percent of the time as a result.

 

[Pure]

hi jm

it's an excellent little poll and here are my comments:

i'm not sure any one fits. 5 or 6. but i would re word 6. "it will not be assumed automatically that a given area or topic is 'ceded', but it may be settled and/or agreed upon in discussion."


i like the flavor of 3, however, but it leaves the degree of ceding and its preconditions unspecified.

---
i like the flavor of Catalina's post 202. whether top or bottom i have many roles. there is not some automatic parallel, e.g. that if i'm a bottom in the b.r, that i'll be a foot soldier in the conservationist movement, rather than its president.

 

[JMohegan]

it's an excellent little poll and here are my comments:

i'm not sure any one fits. 5 or 6. but i would re word 6. "it will not be assumed automatically that a given area or topic is 'ceded', but it may be settled and/or agreed upon in discussion."


i like the flavor of 3, however, but it leaves the degree of ceding and its preconditions unspecified.

---
i like the flavor of Catalina's post 202. whether top or bottom i have many roles. there is not some automatic parallel, e.g. that if i'm a bottom in the b.r, that i'll be a foot soldier in the conservationist movement, rather than its president.

Thanks for your comments, Pure.

Your suggested rewording for 6 sounds like mainstream negotiation, no? If your point is that all couples end up deferring to each other in one form or another, I agree.

I have a need to be guided/nurtured/led in areas unrelated to sex or SM play by Him because it substains the relationship dynamic and ALLOWS it to exist without limitation.

Plus, bonus is.. because He IS in control and has final say in all areas...... we rarely have arguements. It's not easy. It requires a great deal of trust. It keeps things pretty simple though... less complicated. We are very peaceful and happy 99.9999 percent of the time as a result.

I can so relate to that last sentence.

For me, a relationship with overtly established power dynamics is peaceful and thoroughly enjoyable. Without, it's just a pain in my ass!

 

[Pure]

pure said, earlier i'm not sure any one fits. 5 or 6. but i would re word 6. "it will not be assumed automatically that a given area or topic is 'ceded', but it may be settled and/or agreed upon in discussion."


i like the flavor of 3, however, but it leaves the degree of ceding and its preconditions unspecified.

---
i like the flavor of Catalina's post 202. whether top or bottom i have many roles. there is not some automatic parallel, e.g. that if i'm a bottom in the b.r, that i'll be a foot soldier in the conservationist movement, rather than its president.

JM Thanks for your comments, Pure.

Your suggested rewording for 6 sounds like mainstream negotiation, no? If your point is that all couples end up deferring to each other in one form or another, I agree.

new pure:
nice to hear from you. sorry i didn't notice your reply.
i see your point. maybe in lieu of

old: "it will not be assumed automatically that a given area or topic is 'ceded', but it may be settled and/or agreed upon in discussion."

new: outside the bedroom there is no rule or thumb or automatic assumption of mirroring. the pair, or one of them, settles on who defers to whom, in each area.

 

[JMohegan]

new: outside the bedroom there is no rule or thumb or automatic assumption of mirroring. the pair, or one of them, settles on who defers to whom, in each area.

Too wordy for a Lit poll entry!


Seriously, it makes sense. Thanks again.

 

[missy_me]

After thinking about this poll for a couple of days I voted for the first option.

I'm well capable of leading my life on my own as well without anyone taking control over me, but I somehow feel safer knowing that J's the one in control. He's the the one I can lean on and turn to whenever I might have a problem.

However, there are certain aspects in our relationship in which I'm the one left with all control. I guess the biggest one to mention would be finances. It's not because J would be sloppy with finances, but it's just a fact that in this certain area I'm better than he is, and he has no problem admitting it and letting me be in total control of what's done with our money. When making bigger decicions and bigger investments I always ask his opinion and should he disagree with me, his opinion would be the one that sticks. It's yet to happen, thou, as he believes I'm the one who's generally more informed about investing and finances.