❓ PLP Inquires II ❓

[PandemicReader8]

When you see echo chambers existing, on Lit or in life, do is bother you? Are you happy to let a pod of people continue to orbit around each other or do you seek to disrupt it?

I am absolutely happy letting people do their own thing. However, as soon as Group A assumes for themselves the right to demand Group B speak/think/act in compliance with Group A's whims and wishes, I can't just let it be. History has shown us that those willing to force compliance are never satiated.

 

[Bry1313]

08.17.23

Let's talk about Echo Chambers

Do you tend to surround yourself with people who validate and agree with your opinions, thoughts and experiences?

It’s not intentional, but I think by nature of profession, geography, education, etc we just end up in our daily lives surrounded by people who tend to have similar world views as us. It’s not ideal but it is reality.

Or do you seek trusted people to challenge you?

This is where I miss my FIL, our politics couldn’t have been more different but we’d have frank discussions on why we were where we were with that. Towards his later years when he’d been retired awhile he developed a case of cable news brain so much of our discussions were centered around why what he was getting from the TV was insane and dont form opinions from that “no, my entire city hasn’t been burned to cinders, no im not getting car jacked when I go to Target, no our immigrant communities aren’t roving freely as armed gangs terrorizing people……etc”

Are there things you are not willing to hear any feedback on?

Yeah there are a few non-starters in the political realm that are very thick red lines. I cant cross them. In daily life, fewer other than don’t be an unnecessary asshole to people.

Are there areas you wish you had someone to challenge you more on?

All of the time, even if I disagree with folks, i do want to know how they got to their perception of the world.

When you see echo chambers existing, on Lit or in life, do is bother you?

Not sure it bothers me unless that chamber has gotten toxic. I don’t go to the GB so I see less toxic exchanges here.

Are you happy to let a pod of people continue to orbit around each other or do you seek to disrupt it?

I mean I love a good disruption but I try not to make people hate each other……too much.

 

[Apisto42]

I'm old enough that I met and had sex with someone via Yahoo chat.

Just had to highlight this one! My first e-sex was yahoo messenger! Damn, that was a long time ago. Learned a lot though.

 

[AlpineFresco]

08.17.23

Let's talk about Echo Chambers

Do you tend to surround yourself with people who validate and agree with your opinions, thoughts and experiences? Or do you seek trusted people to challenge you? Are there things you are not willing to hear any feedback on? Are there areas you wish you had someone to challenge you more on?

When you see echo chambers existing, on Lit or in life, do is bother you? Are you happy to let a pod of people continue to orbit around each other or do you seek to disrupt it?

Ooh, this is an interesting one.

No, I do not seek out echochambers. I try to avoid them (and I probably don't always manage it!). However, that absolutely doesn't mean I am interested in literally everyone's view.
Professionally, I seek out trusted colleagues. I am in a position where my work is very public-facing, and so it can garner a lot opinions. I have to find a way to filter those, or there would be too many to deal with.
On other things? Obviously it depends on the topic but broadly there are a few close people whose opinions I trust, and to whom I go for advice.
My family is never shy to challenge me. Good lord.

When I see echo chambers elsewhere, yes, I do think it is broadly not good. And I think it is easy to not be aware you're in one, as they exist in many many intersecting slices of life - social/economic, faith (or otherwise) based, any kind of group that has a shared experience can in theory be an echo chamber.
We do see it a lot with the media people choose to consume - you probably pick yours to some degree because it backs up your priors, and you probably do this without being consciously aware. I probably do the same.
I think, what is interesting is what happens when something breaks that bubble. My experience tells me most people dig their heels in and refuse to accept that their group could have been wrong. The longer they've been in it, the harder they fight back.

Do I seek to disrupt? It depends. I'm not into playing devil's advocate, even thought young Alpine used to (but young Alpine was an asshole, so there's that). But, if it's something actually nonsensical or provably false? I might try. Depends on what it is, and my energy for the engagement.

 

[StacyLeigh]

08.17.23

Let's talk about Echo Chambers

Do you tend to surround yourself with people who validate and agree with your opinions, thoughts and experiences? Or do you seek trusted people to challenge you? Are there things you are not willing to hear any feedback on? Are there areas you wish you had someone to challenge you more on?

When you see echo chambers existing, on Lit or in life, do is bother you? Are you happy to let a pod of people continue to orbit around each other or do you seek to disrupt it?

I don't seek out those who challenge me, but I find myself bored quickly in groups where everyone just says "uh huh", "You're right", "OMG yes!" I'm quite stubborn in changing my beliefs, but I'm completely open (and excited) to hear differing points of view. I don't want to argue a point or be convinced of anything, but I seek to understand why someone might see a situation from a vastly different perspective.

I'm not a disrupter but I'm also more likely to tune out any conversation inundated with groupthink. Specific to Lit, the topic that comes to mind is "man-hating". There are several someones who all too often post their "man-hating" rhetoric just to get a gaggle of their cronies to tell them how right they are and post bias-laden examples that perpetuate generalities under the guise of empowering women. The problem I have with echo chambers like this is not that they are self-serving, but that they fuel negativity.

 

[Dribble]

I hate it when half the voices in my head agree with me and the other half doesn't. Choose a God damned side. In the scheme of life...what we are arguing about doesn't matter.

 

[RuneBlade]

I may be a total dick, but I tend to disagree with people who agree with me if only to make them prove that their (and my) opinion is even a little valid.

I dig it! Reminds me of Groucho Marx, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member!"

Classic.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

 

[JackKingOff]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Awesome question! I guess here is my small ignorant take on it.

Sometimes chemistry happens as an explosion and sometimes it is a slow boil in my experience. I had a co worker several years back and to no explanation there was just something that drew me to her. It was uncontrollable. She was a hugger and everytime we hugged I had a crazy desire to just kiss her. Found out way later she had similar urges. I have also had it where at first there is no crazy desire but as conversations go on meeting at different events, the urge to be with them grew over time. These are just sexual experience in my point of view, non sexual for me would be if I can keep a conversation going, do I interest you enough to care and check in on me and do you interest me enough for me to reach out to you… in these cases I have found myself lonely and really the only one that does the reaching out

 

[Dribble]

True story time. When I was a grad student first starting on my degree, my wife at the time had become boring. She would yell and scream at me if I walked in on her dressing...or she always wore something non-sexy during sex. It wasn't always that way. And I didn't understand. How could I convince her that her weight gain didn't change how much I loved her?

Well...years went by. Sex felt like it became obligatory to her...basically the three times a year. Anything I said...was perceived as an attack.

So when my work study student asked one night after a 12 hour day of taking measurements...is sex different with different guys? I told her...I don't know...but that it is different with different girls. And it really wasn't a surprise I left my wife for that 19 year old a month later.

Well...she was just looking for a way out of her marriage...so it wasn't a surprise she left me for someone her age. Full circle. But it fucked me up. One...I betrayed my first wife. And I was betrayed on. So I talked with my major professor. His wife was a therapist...and they talked a lot about relationships. He told me...if there was 10 girls...randomly selected (I understood this being in genetics)...I could pick any of them...and only one out of those 10 would be incompatible...the other 9....you could be very happy with. I have thought a lot about this.

He was right. Chemistry...is something we create in our head. If I was blind...I wouldn't shut out so many just based on looks. Hell...I didn't know anything about people and I closed the door.

I used to think chemistry...we clicked...was something. It wasn't. It was lust. That's it. Real chemistry is made. It happens without effort. Naturally. And it is less about a person...and so much more about me...and my willingness to accept them...for who they are...and not...what I wanted.

This will be very different from probably everyone else's opinion. But I had to hurt someone...and be hurt...to see it beyond just sexual chemistry.

 

[Radiantcurves87]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

Chemistry to me, is having lust, attraction and having some sort of attachment, this being romantic. Friendship has communication from both parties, shared interests, and personalities blend/mix well or similar. I will say, I do have both from someone here. I knew right away, but still finding/figuring out today. Feels amazing, really hard to describe. The feelings in this relationship, are reciprocated.

 

[MrsPassion]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

I always love it when I manage to see these when they are posted. You always have the best questions PLP!

Chemistry definition: an effortless kinship/affinity shared between two or more people. I think it’s altogether intangible and yet very much a facet of relationship maintenance. You know it’s there. It can wane or grow stronger. Sometimes even with large gaps of time and space when you and that other person(s) meet up/talk again it’s like there was never a lull.

How do I know I have it with someone? I know I have it with another person(s) when I easily laugh and feel relaxed in their company. Companionable silence is telling because I am sometimes awkward/ in a deep headspace but I know and love my tribe that will just vibe with me without having to say much. It works the other way too, when I’m feeling gregarious I know I can rely on them to come with the funny, thought provoking, and general good conversation. I also know I have it with another person(s) when I want to talk/be around them and they express the same.

What does it feel like? It depends on the type of chemistry. Friendship always feels comfortable and relaxed, like floating down a lazy river. Sexual is different; usually makes me kind of giddy, and teasing. I feel sexual tension/chemistry in my tummy the most. Will feel like a herd of moose are river dancing in my stomach and my heart beats really fast and I blush

Is it always reciprocal? Hell no lmfao I’ve had plenty of crushes that it was just a me thing and I’ve had the “I like us as friends only” conversation a handful of times. I think anytime someone has the expectation that because they feel chemistry or attraction that the person(s) they feel it towards must feel the same are muddy waters. I don’t believe in making people responsible for my feelings. If I feel attraction that is a singular experience only being had by me. And unless expressed otherwise by the other person, I’m the only one feeling that way with any sort of concrete proof. And that’s okay lol

How important is it? Very. Without it, I’m very quick to drop out of conversation, not keep in touch, and just generally comfortable with long stretches without interacting. Regardless of the type of relationship.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

08.28.23It is

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

Chemistry for me is the magic sauce that makes you genuinely enjoy someone's presence. Things feel easy and comfortable when you have it. Time flies by and it doesn't feel like a chore to be with the person. I think general chemistry is different than sexual attraction and is usually reciprocal. It is hard to have chemistry with someone who does not also feel the same. I think it is the thing that makes close friendships happen. Chemistry can also wax and wane.

 

[hotwords229_A]

Chemistry feels effortless, like you belong there with that person (or dog). It’s like Epoxy, you need both elements to form that bond.

It is vital.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

Chemistry feels effortless, like you belong there with that person (or dog). It’s like Epoxy, you need both elements to form that bond.

It is vital.

Id have a lot more friends if chemistry with humans was as easy to find as chemistry with dogs.

 

[Wand3rlust]

How do you define chemistry (with another person)?

I think a mix of lust and attraction. Initially it can be easy to confuse lust with chemistry. Or maybe they are the same thing. When you have that instant spark with someone. That's chemistry. But equally when you have that long lasting love and affection. Also chemistry. It covers everything from bight explosions that peeter out to nothing, to long slow burners that take a while to build before erupting into something spectacular.

How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like?
It can feel like there is noone in the world but that person. Like they understand. See you in ways that you have never been seen. Can read you. Can make you feel amazing,

Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal?
Yes, it has to be. You need more than one element. Otherwise you just have a crush. That spark that happens when you meet someone's eyes across the room, and you KNOW that given the chance you would be naked as soon as you could. But that might be it. Then there is the chemistry that comes from the deeper slow burner. The undemanding of each other.. the reaction getting brighter and deeper and more intense as time goes by. That isn't to say it can't fizzle out. But if both elements keep in contact in the right way... it can burn indefinitely.

How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?
It's important. Otherwise it becomes a chore. And it will not last, not be satisfying and will ultimately stop.

 

[Dribble]

Chemistry...is noticing the look on her face and recognizing she had a long day and instead of asking how her day was...you take it on yourself to order take out. It is understanding a tightness in her voice.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

I think Chemistry is a meeting of minds, hearts and souls. I think you know you have it when you feel comfortable being completely yourself, warts and all, with someone. I think for it to be true "chemistry" it has to be reciprocal.

I think by my definition, I have a lot of friends where I have "partial" chemistry. I'm comfortable, mostly.
I have only a very few where I am completely myself.
It can be a romantic relationship.
It can be a deep friendship.
But it has to be a match on those levels.

 

[Paul_Chance]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

On The Ambivalence of Chemistry

Chemistry, for me, is a tough one. I'm ambivalent about whether it actually exists beyond a convenient concept that places us, as individuals, in a passive state when it comes to love, romance, and sexuality and allows us an easy excuse to either enter or exit a relationship, that allows us to deny or avoid our own agency.

Chemistry is the MacGuffin of relationships. It doesn't really need an explanation or definition. You can spend hundreds of hours trying to figure it out...and still be left with an amorphous "thing" that verges on, or perhaps is completely contained within, a form of magical thinking.

Because it can't be defined beyond "I know it when I experience it" there is a level of convenience to it. A convenience that we can invoke when things get tough to exit a relationship, or a thing that can be invoked when we want to enter a relationship, all while sidestepping the often uncomfortable and difficult work of knowing ourselves or knowing another person.

How do you define chemistry (with another person)?

Magic. LOL - okay, that is a cop out on my part. Here is how I think about it. Individuals are comprised of many moving, changing, parts. Let's say, for the sake of discussion that we all have 100 parts. Chemistry is simply the alignment of parts, the greater the alignment, the greater the chemistry. Some of these parts are objective and real (e.g., color of hair, taste in music, grace in motion) and others are subjective and projected (e.g., beautiful hair, great taste in music, sensual movement). The more the parts align, the greater number of these parts we drop into the magical bucket of chemistry.

How do you know when you have it?

There is a human tendency to lump things into binaries. So, inside of each of us is a threshold which, when crossed, leads us to say we have chemistry with another person or we don't. When I look at the people in my life, and there are those I would say I have chemistry with, what I am talking about is that temporary alignment of all these wonderful moving parts that make us human.

What does it feel like?

The relationships with these people are easy. The parts align. They move smoothly and without friction. They complement each other, from the deep (meaning, purpose, amor fati, dharma), to the shallow (where the toothbrushes go, what's our go to cuisine, how we dress, the karma of individual actions).

Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal?

No. Because we as human beings are all moving through the world according to our own rhythms, we're all in different places at different times. It's very easy for those rhythms to appear synched throughout surface perceptions (I think we have chemistry) but be dissonant within us (Uh, I don't). At one point in time, we can feel synched. At another we can feel out of synch. Or, in the magical thinking realm - as we change the chemistry goes away.

How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

I don't put much emphasis on chemistry (magic) in my relationships. It's cool when it's there. It's cool when it's not. Since I don't approach relationships from a basis of magical thinking, I am able to enjoy and be present in all kinds of relationships, from the transactional to the casual and on into the deep and lasting relationships of love and kinship.

 

[Deleted member 6568729]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

I think chemistry happens when the relationship feels effortless. When you can’t wait to talk to the person again. When forgiveness is easy. When you want more. When a part of your day seems missing when they are not around.

And unfortunately…it is most definitely not always reciprocated. I feel this way a lot. Or maybe it was , but the other person drifted while your feelings stayed the same.

 

[Azuldrgon]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

I define chemistry as in I click with that person.
Maybe we have a similar interest and seem to get along because of it.
Maybe we get feelings for each other or something.
It feels like we fit. It's hard for me to quantify it.
I think if chemistry is real, it has to have some form or reciprocality, but not always at the same level.

In work relationships, the best ones have it.
In friendship, the best ones have it.
In a love relationship, you need it.

 

[TomTeacher19]

I think chemistry happens when the relationship feels effortless. When you can’t wait to talk to the person again. When forgiveness is easy. When you want more. When a part of your day seems missing when they are not around.

And unfortunately…it is most definitely not always reciprocated. I feel this way a lot. Or maybe it was , but the other person drifted while your feelings stayed the same.

Yeah I feel that.

 

[sexfan23]

I think chemistry happens when the relationship feels effortless. When you can’t wait to talk to the person again. When forgiveness is easy. When you want more. When a part of your day seems missing when they are not around.

And unfortunately…it is most definitely not always reciprocated. I feel this way a lot. Or maybe it was , but the other person drifted while your feelings stayed the same.

If ever I was going to "^This" a post, it would be now.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

08.28.23

Chemistry

Inspired by a recent conversation -
How do you define chemistry (with another person)? How do you know when you have it? What does it feel like? Do you feel that chemistry is always reciprocal? How important is chemistry to you in different kinds of relationships?

Firstly, thank you all for your answers! I’ve found them so interesting and validating.

I think the actual feeling of chemistry is so hard to define. It’s a “know it when you see it” thing and it feels a little different with everyone. A lot of people have said it’s a certain ease or a desire or need. It can feel like all that for me but just like the name implies - chemistry feels like science, like lightning. And once you’re struck by it, it’s very difficult to settle for anything less.

I think it’s just a meeting of the minds. There are people with whom I’ve disagreed about very fundamental things but there is a chemistry there. It’s intoxicating and addictive - platonically or sexually. I almost think finding friendship chemistry is more exciting for me.

Chemistry isn’t always reciprocal and that’s a bit how this topic started - with a discussion of one person seemingly feeling a lot of chemistry and the other just not feeling it. Trying to force it always feels awful. The only thing worse is feeling an initial spark only to pursue it and find that a spark was all it was.

Chemistry is important to long lasting relationships. That “I can’t get enough of you” feeling is a building block of a long lasting connection



ETA - I think NRE and chemistry are often confused but are different entirely.

 

[JKL123]

Firstly, thank you all for your answers! I’ve found them so interesting and validating.

I think the actual feeling of chemistry is so hard to define. It’s a “know it when you see it” thing and it feels a little different with everyone. A lot of people have said it’s a certain ease or a desire or need. It can feel like all that for me but just like the name implies - chemistry feels like science, like lightning. And once you’re struck by it, it’s very difficult to settle for anything less.

I think it’s just a meeting of the minds. There are people with whom I’ve disagreed about very fundamental things but there is a chemistry there. It’s intoxicating and addictive - platonically or sexually. I almost think finding friendship chemistry is more exciting for me.

Chemistry isn’t always reciprocal and that’s a bit how this topic started - with a discussion of one person seemingly feeling a lot of chemistry and the other just not feeling it. Trying to force it always feels awful. The only thing worse is feeling an initial spark only to pursue it and find that a spark was all it was.

Chemistry is important to long lasting relationships. That “I can’t get enough of you” feeling is a building block of a long lasting connection

Well thought out and stated.