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Alex's Daily One Liner Thread

AlexGordon said:
Hiya Jinxi! How are you today? :)

God must love stupid people. He made SO many. :D
Click to expand...

:eek: I hope you are not calling me stoopid! :mad: :D
I iz good, it is Friday! (Yeah, it's obvious! :rolleyes:)

How'z yaself?

I just committed the perfect crime.
I stopped paying my shrink and he took me to court.
I pleaded insanity.

:D
 
Jinxi Minxi said:
:eek: I hope you are not calling me stoopid! :mad: :D
I iz good, it is Friday! (Yeah, it's obvious! :rolleyes:)

How'z yaself?

I just committed the perfect crime.
I stopped paying my shrink and he took me to court.
I pleaded insanity.

:D
Click to expand...

I'm doing well, thank you! :) And no, of course I didn't mean you were stupid! :D

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad I never knew my real ladder. :D:D:D
 
Indienne said:
:D:D:D

St Peter's Square -- I know he is. :D
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Hehehe..I think this one deserves some sort of prize for being the cheesiest!

Loving this thread...why do I always think of good one liners when I'm far away from my computer..and go blank when I'm here???:confused:
 
These are taken from actual motor accident insurance claim forms:

  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
  • I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
  • I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
  • I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
  • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
  • The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him.
 
AlexGordon said:
These are taken from actual motor accident insurance claim forms:

  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
  • I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
  • I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
  • I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
  • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
  • The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him.
Click to expand...

:D:D:D
 
Question: What's the difference between a terrorist and a teenage girl?

Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

:rolleyes:
 
AlexGordon said:
Thanks, Zoe! Feel free to contribute any Man Utd jokes you may have ... :D

Such as:

Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
Click to expand...

Is that a bayonet or screw cap?

Thanks Alex, Ive heard them all through out the years and usually agree :eek:
Here is another for you, it sums up the season adequately :D


What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?

They're both useless in Europe.
 
Zoe_A_2222 said:
Is that a bayonet or screw cap?

Thanks Alex, Ive heard them all through out the years and usually agree :eek:
Here is another for you, it sums up the season adequately :D


What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?

They're both useless in Europe.
Click to expand...

LOL ... :D

And another:

It took most Man United fans over eight hours to get home last night. The M6/M1 were bumper to bumper all the way back to London.
 
AlexGordon said:
LOL ... :D

And another:

It took most Man United fans over eight hours to get home last night. The M6/M1 were bumper to bumper all the way back to London.
Click to expand...

Always comes back to that...I wonder if every Chelsea fan lives in Chelsea or West London or even Battersea? :D


Keeping with the football theme, here is the top one-liner by a footballer...and one of my favourites.


Asked what he would be if he wasn't a footballer, Peter Crouch replied "a virgin"




:D
 
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