Crazy-Ass Night O_o

[Mac98]

In the end, no one ended up coming up to the cottage for the long weekend. She stopped answering my txt msg's for some odd reason so it just further encouraged me to let it go.

I ended up telling her today about how I felt. Through text message. If I'm not worth her time, then she's not worth my energy.

I told her I didn't wanna' be hurt again, that I felt I was developping some feelings for her and that I didn't wanna' fall into a pattern of being played and betrayed. I let her know that I planned on cutting contact with her, but that I was open to discussing the matter further.

She replied a few hours later telling me she thought it was a radical decision that she doesn't agree with... she didn't really push the conversation much, so I think it's pretty much established that our friendship won't be going very far.

Well, at least that's over with. Thanks everyone, for the advice. Truely appreciated, once again.

 

[SweetErika]

In the end, no one ended up coming up to the cottage for the long weekend. She stopped answering my txt msg's for some odd reason so it just further encouraged me to let it go.

I ended up telling her today about how I felt. Through text message. If I'm not worth her time, then she's not worth my energy.

I told her I didn't wanna' be hurt again, that I felt I was developping some feelings for her and that I didn't wanna' fall into a pattern of being played and betrayed. I let her know that I planned on cutting contact with her, but that I was open to discussing the matter further.

She replied a few hours later telling me she thought it was a radical decision that she doesn't agree with... she didn't really push the conversation much, so I think it's pretty much established that our friendship won't be going very far.

Well, at least that's over with. Thanks everyone, for the advice. Truely appreciated, once again.

Why would she push the conversation? You threw accusations at her and said you were cutting off contact VIA TEXT. What was she supposed to say after that besides she didn't agree with your decision?

If someone said those things to me, I would let them go because I don't need to be around people who make snap judgments about me, don't try to work things out, are all about the preemptive strike and need to be coddled. And, well, why would I want to have to convince someone to be friends with me when plenty of people don't need any convincing at all? High maintenance people are never fun to be around.

Maybe you're not telling us the whole story here, or I'm totally misinterpreting things, but it seems like she responded in a perfectly mature, reasonable manner from what you have said. Probably like someone who you'd want as a friend would.

But then if you're a happy camper with your decision and how this all went down, that's all that matters, I guess.

 

[infinity706]

Yeah, that would probably piss me off, too. Of course, if someone accused me like that, I'd probably just tell them to go fuck themselves.

 

[Mac98]

Why would she push the conversation? You threw accusations at her and said you were cutting off contact VIA TEXT. What was she supposed to say after that besides she didn't agree with your decision?

If someone said those things to me, I would let them go because I don't need to be around people who make snap judgments about me, don't try to work things out, are all about the preemptive strike and need to be coddled. And, well, why would I want to have to convince someone to be friends with me when plenty of people don't need any convincing at all? High maintenance people are never fun to be around.

Maybe you're not telling us the whole story here, or I'm totally misinterpreting things, but it seems like she responded in a perfectly mature, reasonable manner from what you have said. Probably like someone who you'd want as a friend would.

But then if you're a happy camper with your decision and how this all went down, that's all that matters, I guess.

Yes, SweetErika, I'm absolutely thrilled at how things went down. Heck, I even went to sleep singing and clapping my hands! I don't know how to do the "rolling eyes" smiley, but he'd be perfectly situated right about here lol. No, I'm not happy with how things have turned out.

It's hard to translate what was said to her here. I'd be glad to copy paste it, but it's all in french and I'm assuming most of you aren't quite familiar with french. I gave her multiple chances to tell her face to face. I would've prefered that. I invited her twice up to my cottage and when she learned that my best friend wouldn't be there, she cancelled last minute too. She did this twice, the second time never even letting me know. I can't spend the rest of my life waiting for people.

I explained to her I thought it would be best if we stopped hanging out together for the simple reason that I didn't want to get more attached and face the rejection once again. I asked her to tell me her opinion on this and what she'd do faced with this situation and she didn't say much. She barely responded at all.

I didn't accuse her of anything. I just told her I wasn't ready to face rejection. That I feared being played. I even let her know that I have absolutely no idea if what I'm doing is the right thing, but that I feel I haven't many other options.

Trust me, I hated doing it by text and i told her many times. But I'm not gonna' hold out for someone who's not interested in giving me two minutes of their time to talk things through. At least that's how I see it...

Yeah, that would probably piss me off, too. Of course, if someone accused me like that, I'd probably just tell them to go fuck themselves.

Huh! Well, she showed more maturity than that . Besides, that would've just fueled an arguement. Nothing more gained in doing that...

 

[culloden]

While I occasionally text (mostly with my kids), I don't understand their (your) generation's tendency to text about everything. Sometimes, it seems like a phone call would be faster and/or more effective. I wonder if this was one of those times where a call would have been better?

But you were there, and I wasn't.

In the same vein, I don't know you except from your posts here. But it seems like you're very afraid of taking risks in a relationship. With that background, I wonder if there wasn't some element of self-destruction in what went down? Is there any chance you short circuited this in order to avoid taking a risk?

You don't need to answer this, but it's a question you might ask yourself.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes, SweetErika, I'm absolutely thrilled at how things went down. Heck, I even went to sleep singing and clapping my hands! I don't know how to do the "rolling eyes" smiley, but he'd be perfectly situated right about here lol. No, I'm not happy with how things have turned out.

Geez, you don't have to get all snippy with me. Believe it or not, my comment about you being happy with the situation was completely genuine and not sarcastic at all. Maybe I should have used "at peace with" rather than "happy with," because that's all I meant.

The rolleyes smiley is on the right side of the text box if you've got the advanced text editing option enabled. Or, you can type : rolleyes : without the spaces.

It's hard to translate what was said to her here. I'd be glad to copy paste it, but it's all in french and I'm assuming most of you aren't quite familiar with french. I gave her multiple chances to tell her face to face. I would've prefered that. I invited her twice up to my cottage and when she learned that my best friend wouldn't be there, she cancelled last minute too. She did this twice, the second time never even letting me know. I can't spend the rest of my life waiting for people.

I explained to her I thought it would be best if we stopped hanging out together for the simple reason that I didn't want to get more attached and face the rejection once again. I asked her to tell me her opinion on this and what she'd do faced with this situation and she didn't say much. She barely responded at all.

I didn't accuse her of anything. I just told her I wasn't ready to face rejection. That I feared being played. I even let her know that I have absolutely no idea if what I'm doing is the right thing, but that I feel I haven't many other options.

Trust me, I hated doing it by text and i told her many times. But I'm not gonna' hold out for someone who's not interested in giving me two minutes of their time to talk things through. At least that's how I see it...

See, what you've said here is quite different than the situation you described above. Still, you might want to look at whether or not what you actually did say in your communications with her could be interpreted in the way I described, even if you didn't mean it that way at all.

And Culloden's right: phone calls leave a lot less to the imagination. As we've seen in just the last few posts, there's TONS of room for miscommunication/misinterpretation with writing, especially when that writing is incredibly abbreviated, as it usually is in text messages.

I've got you beat, Culloden; I've never, ever sent a text message.

 

[Mac98]

While I occasionally text (mostly with my kids), I don't understand their (your) generation's tendency to text about everything. Sometimes, it seems like a phone call would be faster and/or more effective. I wonder if this was one of those times where a call would have been better?

But you were there, and I wasn't.

In the same vein, I don't know you except from your posts here. But it seems like you're very afraid of taking risks in a relationship. With that background, I wonder if there wasn't some element of self-destruction in what went down? Is there any chance you short circuited this in order to avoid taking a risk?

You don't need to answer this, but it's a question you might ask yourself.

See, I find txt msg's are better. They're not bothersome if the person you're trying to get in contact with is working or unavailable (heck, even sleeping) and they get the desired message across most of the time (what are you doing tonight? Leaving in 10 minutes! Can I Get A Lift ____?). Surely, conversations by txt are terrible. But like I said on many occasions, I tried to tell her face to face on many occasions and she'd keep postponing things... which I personally find rude. I normally wouldn't ever, EVER do it this way. But what else was I supposed to do?

And you know what... one of her reponses to my txt msg was almost exactly word for word what you said. Translated; she said: "Ok, but you'll live unhappy for the rest of your life if you never try or if you never take risks."

Yes, there definately was self-destruction. I'm not awaiting her rejection, I'm taking it for granted. That way, I feel it hurts less. But I guess that's pretty stupid and just goes to show I learned nothing from the last time this happened...

Geez, you don't have to get all snippy with me. Believe it or not, my comment about you being happy with the situation was completely genuine and not sarcastic at all. Maybe I should have used "at peace with" rather than "happy with," because that's all I meant.

The rolleyes smiley is on the right side of the text box if you've got the advanced text editing option enabled. Or, you can type : rolleyes : without the spaces.


See, what you've said here is quite different than the situation you described above. Still, you might want to look at whether or not what you actually did say in your communications with her could be interpreted in the way I described, even if you didn't mean it that way at all.

And Culloden's right: phone calls leave a lot less to the imagination. As we've seen in just the last few posts, there's TONS of room for miscommunication/misinterpretation with writing, especially when that writing is incredibly abbreviated, as it usually is in text messages.

I've got you beat, Culloden; I've never, ever sent a text message.

I'm didn't mean to get snippy. I was really peaved (for lack of a better word) at what had just happened when I wrote the message, so maybe I passed some of that aggression into my post. No harm was intended.

BTW, how do you get the advanced text editing option? I don't have any smiles on the side of my text box...

In the end, I texted her today and asked if she'd give me 10 minutes of her time to talk things through. She accepted and we're supposed to see each other Sunday (Again, this is assuming she doesn't drastically change her plans). Hopefully, I'll be able to cover more ground this way and tell her how I really feel and what options I have... hopefully she'll be open to discussing it too.

But again, what I hate about these situations is having to either put someone in the uncomfortable position of having to say they're not interested - The ol' thanks but no thanks - and on the otherside, having to be the person saying they're not interested. I'm not getting any ideas. She's way out of my league, she has more experience (WAY more experience) and she honestly could do much better. Angelina Jolie would not date Garry Oldman (not that there's any resemblance between either of those two examples). If she's interested, good. If not, I won't be surprised... So all that to say, I hate putting someone on the spot and asking them to say "Sorry, but I'm not interested". Sucks for both parties...

That's mainly why I hate these situations...

 

[SweetErika]

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[Mac98]

Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!



"" this is what I wanted to post on the post I mentioned about the rolling eyes

Thank you!

 

[culloden]

LOL.

In my defense, I mainly text to communicate with my elder son, who lives a couple of thousand miles away and who rarely answers his phone.

 

[culloden]

"Yes, there definately was self-destruction. I'm not awaiting her rejection, I'm taking it for granted. That way, I feel it hurts less. But I guess that's pretty stupid and just goes to show I learned nothing from the last time this happened..."

It's not stupid. It's just not easy to get over ingrained behavioral habits. But you have to decide to do that. I'm not a cult guy, but a friend once convinced me to go hear Werner Ehrhardt speak (He founded EST, a culty self-help movement from the '80s). It was mostly self-serving bullshit, but he said one thing that stuck with me. "I've got bad news. It's up to you. It's really up to you." Truer words were never spoken.

Face your fears Mac. Take the chance. Sometimes you'll get knocked on your ass. Get back up. Learn from the experience. In ten years, you won't regret it. But you will regret it if you keep pulling back.

 

[Mac98]

Face your fears Mac. Take the chance. Sometimes you'll get knocked on your ass. Get back up. Learn from the experience. In ten years, you won't regret it. But you will regret it if you keep pulling back.

I know this. My biggest fear is rejection, though, and even if all of you say that I don't know what's going on in the head of others, sometimes it all comes down to common sense. Logic. I'm not even hoping for a relationship with her. I'm not that far down that rabbit hole yet. All I want is for it not to hurt. My immediate reflex was to pull away and break all contact, but in the end, that doesn't solve anything and I'll only be left with unresolved issues... like I did for 4 years, last time it happened.

Anyways, hopefully she won't find excuses not to come over on Sunday and I'll finally be able to sit down and talk things through with her.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Face your fears Mac. Take the chance. Sometimes you'll get knocked on your ass. Get back up. Learn from the experience. In ten years, you won't regret it. But you will regret it if you keep pulling back.

That is excellent advice.

I'd like to add one more thing as well. Don't ever assume you really know what's going on in someone else's head. I repeat: never assume that. Sometimes people do things so that everything seemingly adds up for you in a certain way, but you just never know- your equation may be completely off or there are existing factors that you know nothing about.
This advice is given to you, based on some experiences I've had.

Shorthand? Listen as well as talk. Give the young lady a chance to explain herself, as well as hear what you have to say. There's a whole other world on the other side of this budding relationship, and what you don't know yet may still surprise you.
In a good way, I hope.

 

[Mac98]

Way to get my hopes up, there, lbc. I hope I'm wrong about this one... on all aspects. About my continuing belief that I'm being played, about the fact that I fear her rejection (or anticipate, I should say) or even about how I feel she seeks too much attention. I've given her a chance to prove to me she's not like that, now I might as well give her the chance to explain herself. Hopefully she'll seize that opportunity too.

 

[culloden]

I understand fears aren't necessarily rational, but I try to face them rationally nonetheless. So here's the question. What have you got to lose? An iffy relationship? If she rejects you, you haven't lost anything. In fact, you've gained because you know it's a waste of time to go catting around her. And if she doesn't reject you, well, woot!

One of my favorite scenes in any movie is the end of Life of Brian, when Brian is being crucified and the cast starts singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." One of the other characters tells Brian something like, "Cheer up ya old bugger. You come from nothin' and you go back to nothin'. What did you lose? Nothin'"

It's utterly absurd, and somehow it has always helped to provide perspective.

 

[Mac98]

I understand fears aren't necessarily rational, but I try to face them rationally nonetheless. So here's the question. What have you got to lose? An iffy relationship? If she rejects you, you haven't lost anything. In fact, you've gained because you know it's a waste of time to go catting around her. And if she doesn't reject you, well, woot!

One of my favorite scenes in any movie is the end of Life of Brian, when Brian is being crucified and the cast starts singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." One of the other characters tells Brian something like, "Cheer up ya old bugger. You come from nothin' and you go back to nothin'. What did you lose? Nothin'"

It's utterly absurd, and somehow it has always helped to provide perspective.

You gotta' love the pythons . I think I'm gonna' watch The Holy Grail right now!

But you're right. However, even if I am rejected... I think I'll still maintain a friendship with her... what I'm actually most worried about is that she'll toy with me. Like I've mentioned before, I've been told (yes, by unreliable sources, which is why I'm still giving her a chance to prove them otherwise) that she has a knack for reeling you in and casting you out. But I swear on my grandfather's grave that she better not toy with me. The timing could not be worse... she'll have messed with the wrong sucker!

But anyways... I guess I'll know Sunday.

 

[southernsky]

Okaaay.... you know that I calls it as I sees it, and so far what I see is that she probably thought you were cute way back when, she saw you again and thought you were cute, so she made a decent move on you and was hoping that you'd have some game and flirt back. You're then offering her free guitar lessons in exchange for her flirting with you? Not exactly sexy, IMHO. Wouldn't have gotten me going. Then, you pretty much lay out the entire relationship (or lack thereof) in your head, running through all sorts of reasons why she SHOULDN'T want you. You're responding to her texts with all of that in your head, and then you come out with texts about how you've developed feelings for her (after hanging out this once, I think), and after she's been trying to ask you on some fun dates so you can get to know each other better and you've been refusing, you start trying to find out exactly where you stand with her, which so far, is pretty much nowhere. Then, you're off getting mad at her for possibly "playing you" when you're so far not flirting (or doing a bad job), turning her down for dates, and talking to her about major feelings after one drunken encounter that wasn't even a date. Not only that, but you're pretty much calling her a whore and assuming the worst, talking like you need her to prove how she's not a whore or easy before you'll even talk to her further. Then, you blame her for your trust issues and "dump" her and post another, even angrier thread.

Can someone define "playing me" for me? I'm not sure I get it. Go out, flirt, don't go further with someone than you're comfortable going, and ask them out on a second date if you're not sure how they feel about you. I honestly don't get it. If you need something very black and white and literal, which it sounds like you do, get online and try dating there. You can always post that you're looking for a serious relationship with minimal introductory time and no head games (at least, not from her). I think you're playing games with her and being really strange. I wouldn't have kept going out with you, and she seems to feel the same way. I can believe that you're honestly trying to do this right, so maybe you should go online and find someone who doesn't believe in an initial dating period where things are uncertain, because it doesn't sound like that's comfortable for you. Also, if you really and truly believe that someone's out of your league, leave her alone!!! Problem solved!!!

 

[Mac98]

sorry, but you've got it all wrong. I didn't offer the guitar lessons, she asked for them and I agreed. While she was playing in my hair, she said something like "Ok, but you owe me some free guitar lessons" to which I probably mumbled "huh! wha-sure sss....hmm... wha'ver!"

Secondly, I've been out with her a few times. She came over for the guitar lessons, we went out to the town festival, we went out to supper with our parents (she's trying to match her father with my mother)... we've seen each other a few times.

And even if she is out of my league... so what? That won't stop me from at least having her around as a friend. I'm not stupid nor am I shallow. I don't think of it as "Date me or leave!" I think of it as "Let's make it work on any level". That's how I've always seen it, it's my point of view.

So you kinda' got some of the facts wrong, but I understand what you're saying. I probably did move a little too fast out of the blue.