Jokes & Humor

[edreams]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.

" He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.

That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that,"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

 

[PepperTed]

The Advantages Of Breast Milk

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

 

[Icey*Fire]

Top Ten Signs A Redneck Has Been Using Your Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder (CD-ROM drive).

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

 

[edreams]

Retaining the Rabbi

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the rabbi.'"

 

[Icey*Fire]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

 

[carrie-on]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?" said his father.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mom."

 

[PepperTed]

Once there was a brunette, a red head, and a blonde all lost on a lost island
Then, one day, when they were all walking along the island beach, they found a magic lamp
so of course they rubbed it, and out popped a Genie
"since i can only grant three wishes" the genie said, "u will each get one wish"

The brunette said" i have been stuck on this island for years, i miss my family.My husband. My life, i wish i could go home"

POOF! The brunette got her wish and got sent bak to her family.

The red-head said " i have also been stuck on this island for years, i miss my family. My husband. My life, i wish i could go home"

POOF! The red-head got her wish and was sent bak to her family.

Then the blonde started crying uncontrollably, the genie said " whatevers the matter, my dear?"

The blonde replied, sniffing, " i wish my friends were still here"

 

[edreams]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital Swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the the hospital, as he now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

 

[PepperTed]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
awhile,
he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke,
sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Icey*Fire]

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

 

[Icey*Fire]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

 

[PepperTed]

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
- Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

 

[Icey*Fire]

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

 

[Icey*Fire]

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"

 

[PepperTed]

uh huh

 

[PepperTed]

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
- Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she
answered: "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
- Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR



I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
- Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

 

[redrider4u]

Ridiculous Signs

http://www.funny-pics.net/index.php?Cat=3

 

[PepperTed]

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry
had to mow the lawn."

 

[innocentnbama]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

[Icey*Fire]

FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
"I don't fucking think so".

 

[PepperTed]

Brain Cell
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...
"Hello -- we're all down here...."

 

[Astroman]

THINGS TO PONDER.......

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

[edreams]

Everybody on the earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

[sylver_penny]

API - Clearwater Florida

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged
attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had
done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as
Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the
upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is
reported to be in serious, but stable condition.

Luella has been charged with a mis de wiener.

 

[sylver_penny]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible
sunburn. He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister
and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous liquids and
electrolytes, painkillers, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four
hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."