mugsgame
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A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex.
After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mom said, "We were baking a cake."
A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered...
"Because I licked the frosting off the couch."
After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mom said, "We were baking a cake."
A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered...
"Because I licked the frosting off the couch."
mugsgame
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A young man goes to confession:
"Forgive Father for I have sinned," the young man said, trying to hold back his bravado and glee. "I had sex with over a dozen women last week," he said, unable to contain himself as a huge grin spread across his face.
"Is that so, my son? Well then, I want you to go home and squeeze 12 lemons, one for each of the apostles, into a tall glass and then drink it down quickly," the priest replied.
"12 lemons? Will that absolve me of my sin?" The young man asked in earnest.
"No," the priest replied, "But it will wipe that damn smile of your face."
"Forgive Father for I have sinned," the young man said, trying to hold back his bravado and glee. "I had sex with over a dozen women last week," he said, unable to contain himself as a huge grin spread across his face.
"Is that so, my son? Well then, I want you to go home and squeeze 12 lemons, one for each of the apostles, into a tall glass and then drink it down quickly," the priest replied.
"12 lemons? Will that absolve me of my sin?" The young man asked in earnest.
"No," the priest replied, "But it will wipe that damn smile of your face."
Diver469
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A man is driving with his young son in the car. At a red light they look to the side and see two dogs having sex. The boy asks, “What are those dogs doing?” Thinking quickly the dad answers, “The dog on top is hurt and the other one is helping.”. His son nods and replies, “Just goes to show you, every time you try to help someone, you get fucked.”
mugsgame
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A grandmother was babysitting her granddaughter while her parents were away. The little girl was working on her homework. The assignment was to write a story about, 'Where my family came from.'
So she went and asked her grandmother, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
Her grandmother nervously said, "Why, you came from heaven, dear."
Looking perplexed, the little girl asked, "How?"
Her grandmother thought for a second, then said, "You drifted down from heaven on a cloud... and your mother caught you in a basket and brought you home."
"OK. And where did mommy come from?"
"She came from heaven, too."
"What about you, grandma?"
"Why, I came from heaven too," she replied. "Oh," the little girl thought for a second, "Ok." She went and wrote it down. "Thanks."
The next day she turned in her paper. It began, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
So she went and asked her grandmother, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
Her grandmother nervously said, "Why, you came from heaven, dear."
Looking perplexed, the little girl asked, "How?"
Her grandmother thought for a second, then said, "You drifted down from heaven on a cloud... and your mother caught you in a basket and brought you home."
"OK. And where did mommy come from?"
"She came from heaven, too."
"What about you, grandma?"
"Why, I came from heaven too," she replied. "Oh," the little girl thought for a second, "Ok." She went and wrote it down. "Thanks."
The next day she turned in her paper. It began, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
mugsgame
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A little girl wakes up and is hungry. Her mom normally makes her breakfast, but she is in the shower.
The girl tells her dad she is really hungry. Dad makes her toast with butter, and squirts some honey on top. The girl hasn’t had that before, and she really likes it.
She says “Daddy, what did you put on top of the bread?”
The dad says, “It’s a name your mom always calls me!” Mom comes out of the shower and sees her daughter eating and really happy.
She asks the girl, “What did your dad make you for breakfast?”
The girl said, “Daddy made me toast with asshole!”
The girl tells her dad she is really hungry. Dad makes her toast with butter, and squirts some honey on top. The girl hasn’t had that before, and she really likes it.
She says “Daddy, what did you put on top of the bread?”
The dad says, “It’s a name your mom always calls me!” Mom comes out of the shower and sees her daughter eating and really happy.
She asks the girl, “What did your dad make you for breakfast?”
The girl said, “Daddy made me toast with asshole!”
mugsgame
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A man is on a business trip in Romania
A man is on a business trip in Romania and figures to visit a local brothel. He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women and we don't have men, but we have a badger."
"Huh?" grunts the man in confusion, but then thinks about it a little bit and then decides to take the badger, if they have nothing else.
He spends the night, has breakfasts and thanks everyone on the way out, and goes on with his life.
Then years later life brings him back to Romania, where he figures, familiar faces and all, he'll go and see how that brothel is doing. Walks in, heads straight for the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women, and we don't have men, but we have a video: man and badger."
A man is on a business trip in Romania and figures to visit a local brothel. He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women and we don't have men, but we have a badger."
"Huh?" grunts the man in confusion, but then thinks about it a little bit and then decides to take the badger, if they have nothing else.
He spends the night, has breakfasts and thanks everyone on the way out, and goes on with his life.
Then years later life brings him back to Romania, where he figures, familiar faces and all, he'll go and see how that brothel is doing. Walks in, heads straight for the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women, and we don't have men, but we have a video: man and badger."
VoraciousValue
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COPULATE
Definition: What you say to an Italian officer who doesn't arrive to work on time.
Definition: What you say to an Italian officer who doesn't arrive to work on time.
mugsgame
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Fishing trip
Husband (calling from work): "Hi honey, I have a great opportunity to go on a weekend fishing trip with the boys. Will you pack my clothes and get my gear together? Oh, and pack those silk boxers I like to sleep in. Ill be home in 30 minutes.
Wife: "Ok."
Husband gets home: "Is everything ready to go? And you packed my boxers, right?"
Wife: "Yes you're all set. Enjoy yourself. I love you!"
Husband returns.
Wife: "How was your trip honey?"
Husband: "It was great, I caught so many fish. But you forgot to pack my silk boxers."
Wife: "No I didn't, I put them in your tackle box."
Husband (calling from work): "Hi honey, I have a great opportunity to go on a weekend fishing trip with the boys. Will you pack my clothes and get my gear together? Oh, and pack those silk boxers I like to sleep in. Ill be home in 30 minutes.
Wife: "Ok."
Husband gets home: "Is everything ready to go? And you packed my boxers, right?"
Wife: "Yes you're all set. Enjoy yourself. I love you!"
Husband returns.
Wife: "How was your trip honey?"
Husband: "It was great, I caught so many fish. But you forgot to pack my silk boxers."
Wife: "No I didn't, I put them in your tackle box."
12oclocktales
dishing dirt
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Two couples are playing cards when Jeff accidentally drops a card on the floor. He bends down under the table to pick it up and notices that Dave's wife, Sandy, is not wearing any panties!
Later Jeff goes to the kitchen to get some refreshments, and Sandy follows him and asks, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Jeff admits, "Well, yes I did."
She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. Since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, she tells Jeff to come to their house Friday afternoon.
Friday comes and Jeff appears. He gives her the $100, and they go to the bedroom, and have sex until it’s time for him to leave.
Dave comes home about 6:00 PM and asks his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replies, "Yes, he did stop by."
Next Dave asks, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy is panicking and thinks he knows everything, but says, "Yes, he gave me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Later Jeff goes to the kitchen to get some refreshments, and Sandy follows him and asks, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Jeff admits, "Well, yes I did."
She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. Since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, she tells Jeff to come to their house Friday afternoon.
Friday comes and Jeff appears. He gives her the $100, and they go to the bedroom, and have sex until it’s time for him to leave.
Dave comes home about 6:00 PM and asks his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replies, "Yes, he did stop by."
Next Dave asks, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy is panicking and thinks he knows everything, but says, "Yes, he gave me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Ifatreefallsinthewoods
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What’s a pedophile’s favorite sneaker?
White Vanns
White Vanns
mortis
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Kim was so overworked that he had a breakdown and was sent to a mental hospital.
https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/img/renderTimingPixel.pngAfter a month, his supervisor visited him and said, “Well, Kim, you’re looking fine and the doctors say you are doing very well. Are you about ready to return to work?”
Kim said, “I get three square meals a day here and plenty of time to eat. Then I can go stroll in the garden. I sleep eight hours every night. If you think I’m going back to that cubicle, you must think I’m crazy!”
mugsgame
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A drunk man walks into the bedroom and oblivious to his wife and her lover goes to bed. After a while he wakes up, looks down and sees 6 feet.
He asks his wife: "There must be 4 feet. Why am I seeing 6 feet?"
His wife says: "No you are wrong. Get out of bed and look again."
Husband does it and says: "Oh you are right honey. There are 4 feet." Then goes back to bed and sleeps.
He asks his wife: "There must be 4 feet. Why am I seeing 6 feet?"
His wife says: "No you are wrong. Get out of bed and look again."
Husband does it and says: "Oh you are right honey. There are 4 feet." Then goes back to bed and sleeps.
mugsgame
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After a redneck couple has 9 kids
The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped saying.
"Me 'n my sis don't want no more kids."
The vet said that he could get a vasectomy but it was expensive however there was a cheaper option , the vet said.
"Go home and find yourself a cherry bomb , put it in a Coors light can , hold the can up to your ear and count till ten."
"I ain't no rocket surgeon" said the redneck, but how's that gonna help me?"
"Trust me." said the vet.
So the redneck went home, drained a beer , put a lit cherry bomb in the can, bought it up to his ear then counted till five, once he got to five, he put the can between his legs and resumed the count on his other hand.
The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped saying.
"Me 'n my sis don't want no more kids."
The vet said that he could get a vasectomy but it was expensive however there was a cheaper option , the vet said.
"Go home and find yourself a cherry bomb , put it in a Coors light can , hold the can up to your ear and count till ten."
"I ain't no rocket surgeon" said the redneck, but how's that gonna help me?"
"Trust me." said the vet.
So the redneck went home, drained a beer , put a lit cherry bomb in the can, bought it up to his ear then counted till five, once he got to five, he put the can between his legs and resumed the count on his other hand.
mugsgame
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Quick action needed
A sharp rap at the door startled the two lovers.
"Quick, it's my husband," exclaimed the frightened woman. "Jump out of the window!"
"But we're on the 13th floor!" argued her lover.
"Jump," cried the woman, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
A sharp rap at the door startled the two lovers.
"Quick, it's my husband," exclaimed the frightened woman. "Jump out of the window!"
"But we're on the 13th floor!" argued her lover.
"Jump," cried the woman, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
mugsgame
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A noise coming from the entrance startled 2 lovers.
“It’s my husband but don't worry, he's coming from work to take a shower and he'll be going out for his weekly poker game with his friends. Wait a few moments on the balcony.”
The husband kisses his wife, tells her that the poker evening is canceled, puts on his pajamas and sits down in front of the TV.
The lover, now half frozen, knocks on the window. The husband is stunned to see a naked man on his balcony “Who are you?!”
“Can I speak to you man to man? I am the upstairs neighbor's lover, her husband came by surprise so I jumped from their window onto your balcony, could you please lend me some clothes and money to take a taxi?"
The husband winked at him, gave him what he wanted and returned to his TV program.
Half an hour later, he jumped out of his seat and began beating and insulting his wife.
She in turn shouted, “What’s wrong with you?”
And he replied: “I just realized we live in the penthouse!!!"
“It’s my husband but don't worry, he's coming from work to take a shower and he'll be going out for his weekly poker game with his friends. Wait a few moments on the balcony.”
The husband kisses his wife, tells her that the poker evening is canceled, puts on his pajamas and sits down in front of the TV.
The lover, now half frozen, knocks on the window. The husband is stunned to see a naked man on his balcony “Who are you?!”
“Can I speak to you man to man? I am the upstairs neighbor's lover, her husband came by surprise so I jumped from their window onto your balcony, could you please lend me some clothes and money to take a taxi?"
The husband winked at him, gave him what he wanted and returned to his TV program.
Half an hour later, he jumped out of his seat and began beating and insulting his wife.
She in turn shouted, “What’s wrong with you?”
And he replied: “I just realized we live in the penthouse!!!"
mugsgame
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A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God.
"Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink.
Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
"Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink.
Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
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