Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mortis]

Kim was stressed out from her very hectic job.
The company had her sent to a rehab facility. Her boss came
to the facility a few weeks later and said they feel she is much better and she is free to return to work.
Kim responds “I get 3 meals a day and get to walk on the grass and smell the flowers, and you want me to return to my cubicle. I would have to be crazy.”

 

[mugsgame]

Saving the Ship

Kristy Garamella, a gorgeous just-graduated high school senior, had saved money for one of her bucket list items- to take a cruise all by herself, to prove her new-found independence. She boarded the cruise ship and walked around to find what there was to do.

Aboard the ship, she kept a diary.

Monday- ‘I felt singularly honored this evening, the captain invited me to dine at his table.’

Tuesday- ‘I spent the entire morning on the bridge with the captain.’

Wednesday- ‘The captain made suggestions to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.’

Thursday- ‘Tonight, the captain threatened to sink the ship if I don’t give in to his indecent proposals.’

Friday- ‘This afternoon, I saved 3,125 lives.’

 

[Soma99]

Another stolen joke-

what’s the best part of a hooker dying while you are with her?

The second hour is free

 

[12oclocktales]

A woman selling air freshener products door-to-door feels the need to let loose a tremendous fart just as she walks up to the door of one house. Sure enough she does and it’s a humdinger, enough to make the eyes water and induce gagging. So she reaches in her products bag and pulls out some top-of-the-line Knotty Pine air freshener and sprays it all around the door area.

A man answers the door and begins sniffing. Thinking he might be pleased with the scent of the freshener, she asks him what he thinks of it.

“Well, I hate to say it,” he says, “but it smells like someone just shit a Christmas tree!”

 

[mugsgame]

A dilemma

A student asked his English professor, "What is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that!

"Imagine that you are laying in a bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"

 

[mynameis_darryl]

A dilemma

A student asked his English professor, "What is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that!

"Imagine that you are laying in a bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"

Nah, THAT is an opportunity not a dilemma.

 

[mugsgame]

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!' The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. 'You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. 'Good morning sister,' said the pharmacist. 'What can I do for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please' said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like-there are twelve to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes that should last about a week' said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?

 

[mugsgame]

Two beautiful women asked me if I would be interested in having a threesome. I said...


No. If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I'd call my parents.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife and i agreed to never go to sleep angry with each other.

We've been awake since Friday.

 

[12oclocktales]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. “I need you to examine my daughter, Charlene, doctor; she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Charlene a good examination, then says to the mother, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Charlene is pregnant, I would guess about 4 months."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been with a man! Have you, Charlene?"

Charlene says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three Wise Men came bearing gifts. I just want to be ready for it this time."

 

[mugsgame]

A police officer was on patrol at night and saw two men fighting in the middle of the street.

He flashed his police lights, hopped out the car and pulled the two men apart. He cuffed them both and sat them apart from each other on the sidewalk.

“Explain what is going on here?” The policeman asked the first man.

“Well,” the first man sighed, “It all started a few nights ago when I thought my girlfriend was cheating on me. I came round to her place to surprise her and found her watching a movie with two suspiciously empty pizza boxes next to her. She said she was just hungry, but who the hell orders two large pizzas to themselves?”

“A valid point,” the policeman nodded, agreeing.

“Anyway,” the first man continued, “I decided to stake out her house. So I’m waiting here out in the street, watching to see if anyone goes into that pink house on the other side of the road. I have my mate at the pizza shop deliver me a pizza while I wait. Everything’s quiet and I’m just about to start eating my pizza. Until I see that dickhead over there come creeping around the side of the house.”

“That man over there?” The policeman asked.

“Yes! So naturally I confronted him and he denied seeing my girl. Next thing you know we’re in the middle of a brawl and then you arrive.”

The policeman thought for a moment, then undid the cuffs.

“Here’s the deal, you give me your pizza and I’ll let you drive away with a warning.”

The first man nodded grumpily, hopped in his car and drove off.

The policeman placed the pizza in his car and then walked over to the second man.

“That guy says you were cheating on his girlfriend,” the policeman stated.

“How dare he insult my honour like that!” The second man roared.

“So what were you doing?” The policeman asked.

“Well….trying to rob the place.” The second man mumbled, “but I couldn’t get in!”

“That’s hardly any better,” the policeman replied.

“The windows were locked up tight, so I decided to give up. Next thing I know some guy is screaming at me, saying I’m having a thing with his girl. We ended up in a fight. Then you turn up.”

“Empty your pockets,” the policeman said.

The second man pulled out a pair of diamond earrings from another house he had robbed.

“I’ll take those,” the policeman said, “But because I’m in a good mood, I’ll let you go.”

The second man couldn’t believe his luck. He skipped away down the street.

Suddenly, the lights at the front of the pink house turned on. A woman came marching out,

“What the hell is going on out here?!”

The policeman turned around, “Nothing babe, I’ve got you a pizza and some new earrings.”

 

[mugsgame]

The teacher asked little Johnny where the Statue of Liberty was.

Johnny: I don't know sir.

Teacher: I taught this yesterday. Try harder.

Johnny: I can't remember sir.

Teacher (annoyed): You never pay attention. Go stand on the chair there.

Johnny (standing on chair and looking out the window): Still can't see it sir!

 

[mugsgame]

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One guy says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

 

[mugsgame]

In the middle of the night, a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly.

“What are you doing, darling?” inquires the husband.

“Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey,” replied the wife, “The whole nation stands erect when this song is heard."

 

[mugsgame]

I met a girl at a bar one night. We hit it off pretty well and she brought me back to her place. We had a nightcap before she invited me to her bedroom. Surprisingly, she had a real thing for stuffed animals, and they took up all the wall space in her room, literally stacked from floor to ceiling.

Hell, I didn’t care; I was ready to get down to business. And get down to business I did. I pulled out all the stops.

I was really quite impressed with my passion and stamina by the time things wound down and as I lay there, catching my breath, I eventually turned to her and asked, “So, was that as good for you as it was for me?”

“Uhh, choose any item from the bottom shelf.”

 

[mugsgame]

A blond is having trouble selling her car…

She tells her friend that it has nearly 300k miles on it and it’s difficult to sell to anyone.

Her friend says he has a cousin she can take it to. He’s a mechanic and can roll back the miles on the car to make it easier to sell.

A month goes by and they run into each other. Her friend asks if she ever took her car to his cousin.

She replies that yes she did and he did a great job rolling back the mileage to around 30k miles.

Her friend asks if she was then able to sell the car.

She replies “No; I would never sell a car with such low mileage. I’m keeping it for myself.”

 

[mugsgame]

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they rarely have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it? The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra+ that might do the trick.

She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens.

The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viagra+ worked, and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills? The therapist replies she doesn’t know but says to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before. She asks the therapist what would happen if she gave him five pills? The therapist once again tells her to give it a try.

The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps getting better and better. She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle? The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle would do to a person. The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee.

A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: "Are you the “idiot” who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra+?"

"Why yes young man I did?" "Why?"

"Well mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad just sits in the corner going, 'Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…'”

 

[12oclocktales]

The above joke reminded me of this one:


A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know, three Viagra pills three nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check up on you."

The man agrees and the doctor gives him the pills.

Monday comes and the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answers, "Nobody showed up!"

 

[mugsgame]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the first table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted it by the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the end table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child made another note that said, “Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[mugsgame]

Two blondes are trapped in an elevator.

They yell for hours, in the hopes someone will hear and come to their rescue. They take it in turns to scream for help.

“Help!”

“HELP!”

"HELP!”

One blonde turns to the other and says “This isn’t working. Maybe we should try yelling simultaneously”?

The other blonde agrees and the two then start shouting.

“SIMULTANEOUSLY!”

“SIMULTANEOUSLY!”

 

[mugsgame]

A nun asks her class, "Who knows what city Jesus was born in?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, "Cheltenham!"

The nun shakes her head and says, "No. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand again and shouts, "Willow Grove!"

Again, the nun shakes her head, "Nope. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and shout, "I got it! Doylestown!"

The nun shakes her head, "No. The correct answer is Bethlehem."

Little Johnny jumps up again and shouts, "Motherfucker! I knew it was somewhere up Route 611."

 

[12oclocktales]

The nun shakes her head, "No. The correct answer is Bethlehem."

Little Johnny jumps up again and shouts, "Motherfucker! I knew it was somewhere up Route 611."

And a beautiful scenic route it is, as anyone who’s ever been to Bucks County, Pennsylvania, knows, even though Bethlehem isn’t quite on it (though nearby Easton is). Still a funny joke.

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny walked up to a security guard at the mall and said, "I've lost my mother. Can you help me find her?"

The guard replied, "Absolutely can do, Little Dude. What's she like?"

Little Johnny said, "Big dicks and vodka but I don't know how that information helps."

 

[mugsgame]

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[mugsgame]

A dad was putting his daughter to bed, and she said her nightly prayers, "Good night mum, good night daddy, goodnight grandma, and goodbye grandpa." Puzzled, he asked why she said goodbye to grandpa instead of goodnight. The girl explained she felt it in her spirit. The next day, grandpa passed away. Worried, the dad paid closer attention when she prayed.

Months later, saying her prayers, the girl said, “Good night mum, good night daddy, goodbye grandma.” Puzzled, the father asked her why she said goodbye to grandma, but the girl said it was the right thing to say in her mind. Sadly, the following day, grandma passed away.

Two months later, when his wife was on a trip, the little girl praying said, "Goodnight mum, goodbye dad."

On hearing this, the dad knew what was coming. Determined to survive, he prayed fervently. He stayed home, didn’t go out, and was very careful throughout the day. He figured out that if he survived past midnight, he would break the spell. And he did survive past midnight, and he was thankful.

Early the next morning, when his wife returned from the trip, as he was about narrating his ordeal, she shared a shocking news, saying, “You won’t believe what just happened — my boss died on our flight back to Florida.”