Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs. “God, I look old, fat and ugly.”

She implores her husband; “Pay me a compliment, dear.”

Her husband replies, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

 

[Biggalute]

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!".

She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault." says Little Johnny, "We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her bum again. Then Louie, who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I reached over and pushed it back in and 'Whack.'........."

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde, brunette and a red head are at the gynecologist.

The brunette says "I'm having a boy because I was on top."

The red head says "Well I'm having a girl because I was on the bottom."

They both look over to the blonde and the blonde says "I guess I'm having a puppy."

 

[mugsgame]

A married parishioner went into the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest asked, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest told him, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

[mugsgame]

My wife: "You haven't heard a word I've said!!"

Me: "That's an odd way to start a conversation "

 

[12oclocktales]

An advice columnist received the following appeal:

I’m a soldier in the U.S. Army now and have a cousin who is a Democrat. My father has AIDS and my mother has syphilis, so neither of them can work. They are totally dependent on two of my sisters who are prostitutes in Chicago, because my only brother is serving a life sentence for rape and murder. I am in love with a call girl who operates nearby. She knows nothing about my background, but says she loves me. We intend to get married as soon as she settles her bigamy case, which is now in court. When I get out of the Army we want to move to Detroit and open a small whorehouse and maybe a gambling establishment.

My problem is this: in view of the fact that I intend on making this girl my wife and bring her into the family, should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Democrat?

 

[Biggalute]

My brother has just invented an invisible aircraft. I can't see it taking off

 

[ccs29745]

If you're ever cold, go stand in a corner. I get it's 90 degrees there.

Corny I know, sorry.

 

[Biggalute]

Two women talking over their garden fence.
"My husbands just bought me a big bunch of flowers."
"That's lovely, I wish mine would do that."
"No it's not, you don't understand."
"Why?"
"Well, every time he buys me a bunch of flowers I have to go upstairs and lay on the bed naked, with my legs wide open."
"Why, have you got no vases in your house?"

Boom! Boom!

 

[Jodaily]

Two women talking over their garden fence.
"My husbands just bought me a big bunch of flowers."
"That's lovely, I wish mine would do that."
"No it's not, you don't understand."
"Why?"
"Well, every time he buys me a bunch of flowers I have to go upstairs and lay on the bed naked, with my legs wide open."
"Why, have you got no vases in your house?"

Boom! Boom!

Arrggghhh!

 

[Jodaily]

A mom was cleaning her son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asked her husband: “What do we do?” . Husband said: “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t spank him!"

Now that's funny!!!

 

[Northernlands]

Do you know why the state of Alabama recently outlawed the reverse cowgirl position?
The bible says you shouldn't turn your back on family

 

[mugsgame]

A tired man arrives home after attending his son's wedding, proud that his son remained chaste until marriage. Take a shower. And he is almost asleep when his phone rings...

"Dad?", asks his son on the phone. "I'm on my honeymoon, and I don't know how to have sex. Can you explain it to me?"

"Ah, son, it's easy; just insert the hardest part of your body where she pees," replies the sleepy father.

He yawns, hangs up the phone and lays his head on the pillow when another call comes in.

"Mister?, asks his daughter-in-law. "I need help! Your son stuck his head in the toilet."

 

[mugsgame]

A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep.

"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"

 

[mugsgame]

A guy approaches his friend in the Synagogue.

"Dave, I need your big favor as my best friend. I am heading to the rabbi's to have sex with his wife. Please keep him here for two hours. Ask complicated questions, follow up on the answers, trade stories... Whatever you can do to make him stay," the guy says.

David reluctantly agrees and goes to see the rabbi.

"Rabbi, I got myself into a predicament. My friend pressured me to prevent you from leaving here while your wife and he were having sex at your house. What is your advice?"

Rabbi: "Run home. I am not married."

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny comes home late from school...

Dad: "What took you so long?"

Johnny: "The teacher sent me to detention!"

Dad: "Why ? What did you do?"

Johnny: "I refused to snitch on someone!"

Dad: "You did good! Just like I taught you, honor before all! But who did he want you to snitch on?"

Johnny: "He wanted me to tell him who killed Abraham Lincoln! But don't worry, I didn't tell him anything!"

 

[12oclocktales]

A man is shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. One day a beautiful naked woman washes ashore holding on to a wooden beer barrel for dear life. He revives her and after a brief while she says, “You’ve been so good to me I’m going to give you something you haven’t had in ten years.”

Looking incredulous, he replies, “Don’t tell me there’s still beer in that barrel!”

 

[mugsgame]

Two women walk into a bar.

They notice a group of younger women standing around a table in the corner. They begin to wonder aloud who might be seated at the table.

Finally the crowd begins to disperse. They see a frail man who appears to be in his 80s in the booth. On either side of him sits a girl who barely looks old enough to be in the bar.

One of the women turns and asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the old guy? Is he someone famous?"

The bartender replies, "I'm not sure who he is. He started showing up a couple weeks ago. He just orders a beer, sits down in that corner booth, and starts licking his eyebrows and then he takes a cherry stem , puts it in his mouth and spits it out double knotted."

 

[mugsgame]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash it down.

13) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

> > >

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

15) Wrap it in bacon.

 

[Jodaily]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash it down.

13) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

> > >

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

15) Wrap it in bacon.

Not the first "give a cat a pill' joke, but definitely the funniest!! Tried reading it to my wife and son and was laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath!

 

[mugsgame]

A little boy was saying his prayers before bed one night and his dad happened to walk by and overheard him.

He said "God bless mommy, god bless daddy, god bless grammy, and goodbye grampy."

The next day his grandpa died. The boy's dad thought that was pretty strange, but just a coincidence.

The next night the dad was walking by the boy's room again while he was saying his prayers again, and he heard "God bless mommy, god bless daddy, goodbye grammy."

The next day his grandma passed away. Now the father was really freaked out. That night he again overheard the little boy praying before bed. "God bless mommy, goodbye daddy."

Well, the next morning he got up really early, and went to work. Stayed there all day, and came home at midnight. He started to apologize to his wife when he got home about being late.

He said, "I'm really sorry, I had a really bad day at work and really long."

His wife said "You think you had a bad day, the postman dropped dead on the front porch this afternoon!"

 

[mugsgame]

Boy sees his mom in the bath.

The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mom?"

His mom replies, "Um... that's my sponge."

"The babysitters got one too," says the boy. "I've seen her washing dad's face with it."

 

[12oclocktales]

Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split just right in half,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She showed her lovely calf.

Mary had another dress,
The skirt was split in front,
And everywhere that Mary went,
Uhh, never mind, she never wore that dress anyway.