Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

A groom gets drunk at his wedding reception and wakes up with a hangover.

He says to his best man, "What happened last night?"

"Well," says the best man, "Your new wife got drunk, got up from the table, and started dancing like mad. Then I got drunk, and I started dancing with her. Then you got drunk, and you saw us dancing together, and you got so angry at us that you kicked her in the crotch."

"Ouch!" says the groom. "That must have hurt."

"It sure did!" says the best man. "Two of my fingers got broken."

 

[12oclocktales]

A guy is talking to another guy about a date he had recently. “I took her out in my car, and we parked on a lonely road. It was such a warm beautiful night with the stars shining brightly, and she says to me she’ll give me anything I want if I’d take the car top down. Believe me, I had that top down in like five minutes.”

“What’s so great about that?” the other guy asks. “I can get my top down in two minutes.”

“Yeah, but you have a convertible,” is the reply.

 

[mugsgame]

I got my first date of the year already lined up!

I mean, it's a court date, but it's still a date and I'm dressing my best!

 

[mugsgame]

Free Porn.

If you get an email with a link called "free porn"

Do'tn opin it, It is a vuris wich daectivtas your spelcheck

and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I do'tn

vatch prorn so I di'nt opin it, plaese warm yu frenids.

 

[Britva415]

Free Porn.

If you get an email with a link called "free porn"

Do'tn opin it, It is a vuris wich daectivtas your spelcheck

and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I do'tn

vatch prorn so I di'nt opin it, plaese warm yu frenids.

Reminds me of the "honor system virus," which spreads via internet discussion forums.

You've been infected, please forward this to every forum you're a member of, and reformat your hard drive.

 

[mugsgame]

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

A Professor at an University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

He pointed to a beautiful young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing."

 

[12oclocktales]

A young woman wanted to join the yacht club but didn't have a yacht.

So she joined the country club.

 

[mugsgame]

Four professionals are drinking at a bar

The first, Louie, starts off “I getting sick of all the boobs I deal with in my job.”

Reggie chimes in, “With me, it’s the dicks I work with. It’s non-stop.”

Then Amy decides to throw down. “Every day it’s the same thing. One asshole after another from sunup to sundown.”

Finally, Becky yells “I’m getting sick of all the cunts. My office is nothing but cunts! It’s just one cunt after another and I worry that I’m the biggest cunt of them all!”

In the corner, Pedro asks the bartender, “What is up with them?”

The bartender replies, “They’re just fooling around. Louie is a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast implants. Reggie is a urologist. Amy is a gastroenterologist…

Pedro interrupts “…and Becky is a gynecologist?”

To which the bartender replies, “Nope. She’s a lawyer.”

 

[mugsgame]

A boy brought home his report card to show his parents how well he did in math class.

His report card showed a 90/100 for his math grade. His father was ecstatic, however his mother knew he was terrible at math and thus simply couldn't believe he got a 90/100.

She looked closely at the report card and noticed that the 9 and the 0 looked to have different handwriting styles. She immediately became suspicious.

"Son, tell me, did you add a 0 to the end of your grade?"

"No," the boy replied.

"I'm going to ask you again," said the mom, "did you add the 0 yourself?"

"No mom, I didn't add the 0--"

Fuming, the mom cuts him off. "Ok, since you're not telling me the truth, you are grounded for one month."

"No mom, please!" the boy begged, "I swear I didn't add the 0!"

"This is your last chance," said the mom, "tell me the truth!"

"I didn't add the 0...I added the 9."

 

[mnbreastluver]

Senior Sex:

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having

sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[12oclocktales]

A virgin schoolteacher in her thirties is seduced by her principal and they have sex in his apartment. After making love she gets out of bed and starts walking up and down the bedroom berating herself.

“Oh, how can I get up in front of those innocent children tomorrow and pretend to be worthy of teaching them after I’ve been so sinful so often,” she bemoans aloud.

“So often?” the principal says. “I thought you said this was your first time?”

“Well, you’re going to do it again, aren’t you?” she replies.

 

[mugsgame]

Speaking out of turn

It's Friday and Miss Crump tells the students in detention, "Whoever answers these questions can leave early today." Bratty Butchie is ready and waiting.

The teacher asks: "Who said, 'I have a dream?'"

Before Butchie can open his mouth, Kristin says: "Martin Luther King!"

Teacher says: "That's right, Kristin, you may go." Butchie is furious.

Then the teacher says: "Who said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Butchie knows but Mandy calls out: "John F. Kennedy!"

"That's right, Mandy, you can also leave." Butchie is really annoyed now.

The teacher then queries: "Who said: 'One giant leap for mankind'?"

Butchie is about to speak when Eve yells: "Neil Armstrong!"

"Well done, Eve." says the teacher and sends her home. Butchie is seething.

Miss Crump turns her back to erase the blackboard and Butchie lets slip: "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher quickly snaps around and demands: "Who said that?"

Butchie replies: "Bill Cosby, can I go home now?"

 

[mugsgame]

Teacher: "Whoever can answer my next question is free to leave for the day."

Little Johnny throws his bag through the window

Teacher: "Hey! Who the hell just did that?"

Little Johnny: "Me, and I'll be going home now."

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde woman is caught in a snowstorm...

She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

[Sct73]

Your Pepsi delivery driver was fired today.

The company found Coke in his system

 

[Sct73]

Two cows are smoking marijuana and playing poker.

I guess the steaks were pretty high

 

[Sct73]

How do you follow Will Smith in n a snow storm?

You follow the Fresh Prince

 

[mugsgame]

An elementary school teacher is about to have a bottle of apple cider with her lunch, when one of her student comes running up to her.

"Would you mind pouring some of that bottle of cider into a bowl?" asks the little girl. "I got a thorn in my finger at recess."

Confused, the teacher pours the cider into a bowl. The girl dips her hand into the cider, and screams. "Ouch! The cider is making it worse!"

"Why would you think dipping your hand into apple cider would make the pain go away?" asks the teacher.

"Because," says the girl, "Last weekend, when my sister came home from college, I overheard her saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"

 

[12oclocktales]

Speaking of apple cider . . .

Several ministers’ wives at a religious convention decide to meet one afternoon for a hen session over some good-old apple cider. They decide to confess some of their sins to each other, which start out being only minor offenses such as telling fibs and little white lies. But as they dive more and more into the cider the vices they reveal become bolder and bolder (and sexier) until one is saying how she likes to give her husband blow jobs, another that she craves anal sex with her husband, and a third how she once had sex with her husband and his brother at the same time. There is another woman there who hasn’t said much, and one of the women confronts her about her greatest vice.

“Oh, me?” she says. “I love to gossip.”

 

[mugsgame]

I told my wife that a psychic told me I’d die while having sex.
false

She said, “A least it’ll be quick.”

 

[mortis]

How is Brokeback Mountain like the NFL?

In both the Cowboys suck.

 

[mugsgame]

A couple teenagers were making out at the girls house when the guy whispers in his girlfriend’s ear that he wants to try 69.

The girl says she’s into it but let’s her bf know she’s on the last day of her period and might still be spotting. Bf is too excited about getting to try 69ing so says he’ll risk it.

They get going and things are going about as smoothly as it does when teenagers 69 for the first time. The girl gets startled when she hears her parent’s car doors slam.

They race to get dressed and get their last buttons done just as the parents walk into the house.

The dad walks over and asks the boy and gives him a funny look. The boy wipes his mouth and sees period blood and realizes what the dad is thinking.

Thinking quickly the boy says, “Oh I must still have some jelly on my face since we were just sitting here eating PB&J sandwiches sir your daughter is a great cook and kind hostess and thank you for the food!”

“Well kid, that explains the jelly, but how’d you get that peanut butter on your forehead?”

 

[mugsgame]

A father is driving his son to his first day of school

The boy looks worried, so his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

The kid asks his father nervously, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18." says the father.

The boy nods quietly. When they get to the front of the school, he asks, "Daddy, can you please give my puppy a hug for me?"

"You can hug him when you get home, son." says the father.

"Well can you please give mommy a big hug for me--"

"Son," the father says abruptly, "you can hug her when you get home."

The boy's eyes get watery and he starts to sniff. So the father adds, "Don't worry so much, you'll be fine. Go on now."

The boy nods and wipes his nose. "Daddy, can I ask one more question?"

"Go on." says the dad.

The boy, now very teary-eyed, says "Daddy, you'll remember to come get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

 

[12oclocktales]

Little Billy, aged 7, is in love with Suzy, the little girl next door. He comes to his father one day to tell him they plan to get married.

Amused, Billy’s father, in mock seriousness, asks, “Well, what are you going to do about money?”

“I have my allowance,” Billy answers, “and Suzy has $5 in her piggy bank.”

His father says, “Oh, that’s fine for now, but what will you do when you start to have children?”

“Well, we’ve had pretty good luck so far.”

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

A man was lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarked, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replied, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."