Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[Elmo_Lincoln]

A bride told her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart, he said. "Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."

And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggled, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiled and said, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the bride said, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

Then, after the third time, the bride said, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzle bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

 

[mugsgame]

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park after school today."

"No, I would think there's a good chance you'll go to the park but it might rain so it's not definitely."

Little Billy raises his hand and says, "My team are definitely going to win the game this Saturday."

"No, I know you really want your team to win the game this Saturday but wanting is not enough to make it definitely."

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Miss, is there such a thing as a lumpy fart?"

"No."

"Then I definitely just shit myself."

 

[mugsgame]

New guy hires on at a construction site, as general labor. Foreman walks up to him and three other laborers who are waiting for an assignment.

"That stack of bricks is in the way. I need the four of you to move them to that spot over there, and stack them back carefully." The group moves to the stack and starts moving bricks.

After a few minutes the foreman glances over toward the group, watches for a minute, and then pulls the new hire aside. "I've been watching you work with the rest of the crew. Do you notice anything wrong?"

New guy says he doesn't see a problem: the stack is being moved, no bricks are damaged, and the new stack is nicely lined-up in the correct spot.

"Well, you're carrying two bricks each trip and the others are carrying four bricks. You don't see a problem with that?"

"Now that you mention it, those guys are too lazy to make two trips!"

 

[12oclocktales]

A little farm boy is playing out in the yard, and when he gets mad, kicks a chicken.

“Just for that,” his mother says, “you don’t get any eggs for two weeks!”

Later she sees the boy kick the dog and says, “For that, no hot dogs for two weeks!”

The father soon comes home, drunk, and kicks the cat.

“Okay, Mom,” the boy says. “Go ahead and tell him. This I’ve gotta here.”

 

[JodieR]

That is beyond cute.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

Probably politically incorrect these days.

But hilarious nonetheless

 

[mnbreastluver]

Guy walks into a pub, sees a very attractive young woman sitting on a stool at the bar and decides to take a chance, so he takes the stool next to her and finds some pretext on which to strike up a conversation.

Two or three hours and several drinks later, it's approaching closing-time and things seem to be going quite well, so he says to her,"Tell me something. Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?" She looks him up and down and says,"Hmm, yes, I think I probably would." "Right you are then, how about $5?" "Certainly not! What kind of girl do you think I am?" "We've already established that, now we're just haggling over the price."

 

[mugsgame]

The mind of a cat

Monday – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and knock cups off the counter.

Tuesday – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed.

Wednesday – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to my plan.

Friday – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for a water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called ‘shampoo’. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and a shredded shower curtain.

Saturday – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call ‘beer’. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power to induce ‘allergies’. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to rusty hinge squeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in a metal barred room his safety is assured, but I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife thinks I’m a trophy husband.

Participation trophy, but still.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife is a sex object...

I suggest sex, she objects.

 

[mugsgame]

They told me to dress for the job I want.

I’m now in a disciplinary meeting dressed as a Ghostbuster.

 

[mnbreastluver]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable
compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her
three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until
dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a
routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."....

 

[mnbreastluver]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, and proceeded to ask in a loving voice,
‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He responded: 'I found the remote.'

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Two Canadian's in their mid-20's had grown up together since they were kids and decided they were tired of the cold winters and wanted to move to the US. They decided upon Las Vegas and loved the weather and excitement of the place. They even decided to become fans of the Raiders and got VERY into US football as a result.

One day after a game they attended they were involved in a horrendous car crash - and both died. They hadn't led a very pure life and didn't make it into Heaven - and were sent to Hell. The devil cranked up the heat as his welcome and came back a while later to see how they were responding to his torment. To his astonishment, they were smiling and in a good mood.

"Why are you smiling?" the Devil asked.
"Because the weather is so nice here," they responded.

Disappointed, the Devil cranked up the heat to maximum and let them stew a while before checking on them again. He found them in great spirits.

"You two are ENJOYING the heat?" the devil asked again. When they said yes, the Devil hatched a different plan to cause greater torment. He would crank DOWN the heat to freezing and see if they liked that.

When he returned a few days later he found them grinning from ear-to-ear and joyously shouting.

"What are you so happy about?" the devil demanded.

"Well, once we saw that Hell had frozen over we knew the Raiders must have won the Super Bowl!"

 

[Biggalute]

Two blondes celebrating in a bar, 72 days, 72 days.
The barman asks what they're celebrating.
'We just finished a jigsaw and it only took us 72 days '
'That seems like a long time '
'No, on the box it said 2 to 4 years'

 

[12oclocktales]

Another joke to go with the above Raiders football one:

Two friends are talking and one says, "Are you going to the football game on Sunday?"

"No." says the other. "My wife gets mad every time I go."

"Well, I have an idea for you," the first guy says. "A couple of hours before the game grab your wife, drag her into the bedroom, rip off her clothes, fuck her hard, and then just tell her you’re going to the game."

The following Monday, the two men meet up and the first one asks if the other had tried what he had suggested.

The second man says, "Well... I grabbed my wife, dragged her into the bedroom, ripped off her clothes..."

The first guy looks at him. "Yeah, and . . . ?"

"Well," said the second guy, "as I was taking off my pants I thought to myself, “What the fuck am I doing... the Raiders aren't going to make the playoffs anyway.”

 

[mugsgame]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[mugsgame]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."

Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."

Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

 

[mugsgame]

A Scottish cow farmer sees an Englishman crossing his field. The Englishman stoops down to a little stream to take a drink.

The Scotsman yells, "Ye cannae drink tha! It's fool of coo piss an' shite!"

To which the Englishman says, "I can't understand you. Speak English properly."

The Scotsman responds, "I said use both hands!"

 

[AdventureSeeker424]

You know you're old when your wife says "honey let's run upstairs and make love" and your answer is "i cannot do both"

 

[mugsgame]

A young man becomes concerned when he notices that his private parts are turning orange. After a few days he works up his courage and goes to the instant care.

The Physician Assistant does a careful but thorough examination, including a urine sample and a blood test.

After a few days, the Doctor calls him back and says... "We got your lab results back and have determined that you need to stop eating Cheetos when you are watching porn."

 

[12oclocktales]

A young minister marries a pretty widow and on their wedding night suggests they kneel by their bed and pray for strength and guidance.

“You pray for strength,” she tells him. “I’ll do the rest.”