Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Hot and cold sex

After his examination, the doctor said to an old man "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any questions?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and hot & sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied.

That's because...

The first time is usually in December, and

The second time is in May.

 

[mugsgame]

A wealthy art dealer is having a drink by his pool when his lawyer calls him...

"I've got some good news and some bad news", the lawyer tells him.

"Well, I could use some good news, so let's start with that", says the dealer.

"Your wife has spent ten thousand dollars to purchase two pictures. She thinks she can get anywhere from ten to twenty million for the pair", says the lawyer.

"That's wonderful"! That kind of profit margin is unheard of!", exclaims the dealer. "What could the bad news possibly be?".

The lawyer takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. "The bad news is they're pictures of you with your mistress!"

 

[mugsgame]

A private jet is about to crash

A private jet catches fire. The pilot rushes back to the passenger cabin to say:

"Sorry, men - we have only 5 parachutes for 6 people. Someone's going to have to sacrifice themselves, and it ain't gonna be me!" he shouts and jumps.

"I'm too pretty to die!" says the supermodel and jumps.

"I'm too rich to die!" says the businessman and jumps.

"I'm too clever to die!" says the professor and jumps.

Two people are left, an old priest and a young boy. The priest says, "Go ahead, son - you've got your whole life ahead of you..."

"Oh, very kind of you, Father, but don't worry about it, we're both going to survive."

"What do you mean? We've only got one parachute between the two of us,"

"Yes, but the professor jumped with my schoolbag."

 

[mugsgame]

At a carpentry shop , one of the carpenters is operating a table saw …..

He is watching the cut of the blade very closely, so much so that he did not notice the resinous knot in the wood, which when it hit the blade the wood kicked back into his chest and caused him to slam forward and sliced his ear. Clean off !!

He immediately shut down the saw and starts screaming and panicking ….. the foreman runs in, “What’s going on?? OMG ! What's all this blood?!“

The carpenter tells him : “I CUT MY EAR OFF !!”

“OMG ! Let’s help you find it!“

Everyone pitches in, rummaging through all the piles of sawdust on the shop floor, until the forman finds an ear and shakes the sawdust off … and he shows it to the carpenter: “Is this your ear?!“

The carpenter examines it closely and says: “No, … mine had a pencil behind it.“

 

[mugsgame]

Old man joke

He goes to his doctor and after his exam says "By the way , I think my wife is going deaf but how can I find out?"

The doc tells him to do a distance test. Stand far away, ask her a question then get closer and closer and soon you will determine how bad her hearing is.

So, he stands 40 ft away and asks "What's for supper?" No answer, so he repeats it at 30 and 20 ft. Nothing. He gets 10 ft away and repeats "What's for supper?"

His wife shouts back "I told you three times CHICKEN!"

 

[mugsgame]

The cabin in the woods

Joe, Sam, and Jim head out on a camping trip in the woods. They set up their campsite, get the fire going, and all seems great—until a massive storm rolls in. The wind is so strong it blows their tents away. Chasing after their gear, they stumble upon a cabin in the woods.

Soaking wet, they knock on the door. A woman in her mid-50s answers and listens to their predicament.

“You can stay here for the night,” she says, “but do not go in the back room.”

Grateful for shelter, the friends dry off and settle in for the night.

The next morning, Joe wakes up and heads toward the bathroom. On his way, he notices the door to the forbidden back room. Curiosity gets the better of him. Ignoring the warning, he grabs the handle and steps inside.

The sight makes him freeze. The walls are lined with dicks—each one mounted on different hand and power tools.

Before Joe can process what he’s seeing, he hears the woman behind him. “I told you to stay out of there,” she says, her voice ice cold. Joe turns to see his friends, Sam and Jim, flanking her, their faces pale.

“You’re all going to pay the consequences,” the woman declares.

She lines them up and starts with Jim. “What do you do for a living?” she asks.

“I’m a plumber,” Jim stammers.

Without hesitation, the woman grabs a pipe wrench and—well, let’s just say Jim’s contribution to the wall is made.

Then it’s Sam’s turn. “What about you? What do you do?”

“I’m a carpenter,” Sam mutters.

The woman picks up a hammer, and the process repeats.

By now, Joe is doubled over, laughing hysterically. The woman glares at him. “What’s so funny? You have to pay, too!”

Joe catches his breath and grins. “I work at a Blow Pop factory. You’re going to have to suck my dick off.”

 

[mugsgame]

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says, "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa."

He asks her, "Why did you say that?"

"I don't know, I just felt like saying it."

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says, "God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma."

Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime. "God bless mommy"....she turns her head and looks straight at him, "And goodbye daddy."

"What!? Are you sure honey?" She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him, "Where the hell were you today??!"

He replies, "Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day."

His wife then says, "You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..."

 

[mugsgame]

Two ladies having lunch and one whispers “I am having a boob job.”

The other lady replies “That’s nothing, I am having my arsehole bleached.”

First lady says “Really? I can’t imagine your husband as a blond.”

 

[mugsgame]

A couple from Houston are at the airport

When they see a man and a woman dressed in a heavy coat, wool hats and snow boots arriving at George Bush Airport.

"I wonder where they're from?" the Texas man asks his wife.

"Why don't you ask them?" the wife says.

So he walks over to the two in the heavy coats and asks the guy where they live.

The man in the coat replies "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The Texas man heads back and the wife says "So where are they from?"

The guy replies "I don't know. They don't seem to speak English."

 

[mugsgame]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

 

[mugsgame]

Old Soldiers Never Die...

Ms. Tuttle was finished taking dictation for the general at the Pentagon and as she was leaving her boss's office, she noticed his fly was open.

"Sir? Your barracks door is open."

The general was puzzled by her exit statement and wasn't sure why she said it. He then arose from his chair and saw that his zipper was down. It then dawned on him what she meant.

Ms. Tuttle returned with some papers to sign, so the general wanted to tease her.

"Ms. Tuttle, when you saw my barracks door open, did you happen to notice a soldier standing at attention?"

"No, sir. Just a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 

[mugsgame]

A ninety-one-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow-up visit, the doctor said to the old man: ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

‘I’m only doing what you said, doctor – “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” ’

The doctor replied: ‘I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.’

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny saunters into an ice cream shop decked out in his best cowboy outfit, including two 6 guns in a holster.

The waitress exclaimed "Well, aren't you cute!? What can I get for you, cowboy?"

Little Johnny whips out his guns and says "Gimme an ice cream sundae!" and slowly puts the guns back in his holster.

Waitress squeals and says "Chocolate or vanilla?"

Johnny pulls out the guns once more "Gimme chocolate!"

"Whipped cream? asks the waitress.

Guns again, "Gimme whipped cream!"

"Would you like your nuts crushed?"

Out come the guns again as Johnny growled "Do you want your tits blown off?!"

 

[mugsgame]

I never question my wife's decisions.

If we start going down that path, she might realize I was one of them.

 

[mugsgame]

Newly wed couple

A recently wed couple went out for drinks with their neighbors, a middle-aged couple who had been married for twenty years.

Having knocked back a few, the older husband turned to the newlyweds and remarked with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."

The newlyweds laughed awkwardly at this and then the young husband asked. “Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"

The older husband screwed up his face, thought, about it for a moment, then replied wryly, “Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel – she can go for weeks and weeks without sex."

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel – two humps and it's over."

 

[mugsgame]

A soldier returns home from Airborne school.

He’s at a bar with his old buddy telling his buddy about training.

“Man, I was doing great the first few weeks, they even put me in charge of the other guys. I did the best in the classroom, best in PT, everything. Then finally, the day came to jump out of our first plane. I was to jump very last and I was so excited to prove I was best just like in everything else. I watched the other guys jump one by one and by the time that it was my turn, I froze with more fear than I’d ever felt.

Every second felt like a week but finally, my commanding officer grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled, ‘IF YOU DONT JUMP OUT OF THIS FUCKING AIRPLANE, I’M GONNA TAKE MY BIG BLACK DICK AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!’”

The soldiers buddy is listening to this story with wide eyes and asks, “Well? Did you jump?”

The soldier says, “Juuuuuuust a little but once he got it all the way in there, it wasn’t so bad.”

 

[mugsgame]

A guy goes to the dentist with 3 broken teeth

The dentist asks him what happened. The guy replies:

"Well my wife decided to make fried chicken for dinner but it was really overcooked so it was extremely dry and hard."

The dentist says "Well you should have told her it was too overcooked and refused to eat it."

The guy replies "that's what I did."

 

[mugsgame]

A Blonde walks into an Appliance store

And talks to one of the salespersons, she asks "How much for that TV"

He replies "We don't serve blondes in this store please leave."

She feels quite hurt and discriminated so she decides to turn her appearance and revisit the store.

She dyes her hair black and walks back in, meets the same salesperson and says "How much for that TV?"

He replies again "We don't serve blondes in this store please leave."

She's quite shocked at how he cracked her outfit and decides to up her game this time around. She dyes her hair Red this time, wears a scarf around her head and wears quite big sunglasses as well.

Convinced she looks totally different she heads back to the store, meets the same salesperson and asks the same question "How much for that TV?"

And again he says "Sorry we don't serve blondes in this store please leave."

This time furious and exhausted she asks "How do you know its me all the time, i dyed my hair twice hid my pretty face in these sunglasses yet you know its always me."

And he replies "Because that right there is a microwave."

 

[mugsgame]

Blonde Goes To The Dry Cleaners

A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned.

She asks the clerk, "How much?"

He doesn't hear her and says," Come again?"

She giggles and says, "No...it's just mustard this time."

 

[mugsgame]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

 

[mugsgame]

I told my wife that when I look in the mirror, I see a beaten, withered, broken down old man and I sure could use some words of encouragement.

She said, “Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect!”

 

[mugsgame]

A happy marriage

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle."

She was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, “And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother!"

 

[mugsgame]

Family life

A woman dressed to the nines was waiting in the living room for her husband to finish dressing so they could head out to a swanky soirée.

Their teenage son came into the room, saw her and said, “Do you know how much suffering the poor beast had to endure for you to get that fur coat?”

The woman looked at him sternly and said, “You mustn’t speak so disrespectfully about your father.”

 

[mugsgame]

At a job interview, the company director asks the candidate: "Why are you asking for such a high salary when you have no experience in this field?

Candidate: "Well, a job is much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

 

[Audbal]

My wife asked me for a divorce so I took away her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!!!