Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Tale from a local theater

Seamus hadn’t done any acting in a long time and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.

The director said, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

Seamus practiced his line and the director's instructions every day for weeks, over and over again, until finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, Seamus walked on to the stage, lifted his hand to his nose and said his line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted with laughter and the surprised Irishman gave an impromptu bow as he walked off the stage.

The director was livid. "You bloody fool!" he screamed. "You’ve ruined me!"

"What happened?" said Seamus, bewildered. "Did I forget my line?"

"No!" shouted the director. “You forgot the rose!"

 

[mugsgame]

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"

"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

 

[mugsgame]

Proper Car Maintenance

Ole and Lena are driving into town when Lena suddenly get really horny. She looks over at Ole and says "Why don't we pull the car over and have some fun. It's a quiet road and I can't wait."

Ole looks over with a glimmer in his eye and says, "Okay but let's do it under the car, that way if anyone should come by we can says we're working on the carburetor."

Lena agrees and they pull over and hustle under the car. They're going hard when Sven walks up.

"Ole, Lena, what are you doing down there?"

"We're working on the carburetor" Ole shouts.

Sven replies "Well you better work on the brakes next, because your car is rolling down the hill."

 

[mugsgame]

Sperm Bank

So a guy walks into a sperm bank, sticks a gun in the face of the woman behind the counter, and says, "Pick up that specimen, and drink it!"

The woman is horrified and asks, "W-w-what?!?"

The man jabs the gun in her face, and says, "Pick up that specimen, and drink it, or I'll blow your brains out!"

So the woman picks up the cup and drinks the specimen.

Then the guy takes off his mask, and it's her husband.

He says, "See? It's not that bad!"

 

[mugsgame]

The seven dwarves are visiting the Vatican. Dopey walks up to the Pope and says "Holy father I have a question."

The pope reply "Yes, my son?"

"How many dwarf nuns are there in the Vatican?" Asks Dopey.

The pope respond, slightly confused, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

Dopey looks back at the other six dwarves who are grinning from ear to ear.

"Then how many dwarf nuns are there in Rome?" Dopey inquires.

The pope shakes his head "There are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

Behind Dopey the other six start to snicker.

"Last question, your grace." Says Dopey. "How many dwarf nuns are there in Italy?"

"Dopey, my son, I have traveled the world over and have never met a dwarf nun."

The other six dwarves burst out laughing and chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

 

[mugsgame]

Doing taxes reminds me of my marriage...

It’s that one time a year that I'm getting screwed!

 

[mugsgame]

Dear Dad letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

------------------------------

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S.

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[TravisAW]

I joined a carpenter's class last week.

Haven't made anything yet.... we've only just begun.

 

[mugsgame]

Buford came back home from the doctor and gave his wife the bad news: He was diagnosed with Dunlap’s disorder.

“Dunlap’s disorder? That sounds serious,” she said.

Buford replied, “Yep, the doc told me that my belly done lapped over my belt.”

 

[mugsgame]

A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of vodka.

The bartender says whoa that's a lot alcohol, is everything all right??

The man shakes his head no and says it's my father. He just called a family meeting and told us all that he's leaving our mother for the pool boy that hes been sleeping with for the past month.

The bartender goes wow, that's pretty rough. You know what these shots are on the house!

The man says thank you, takes his shots, and heads home.

The next week the same man comes back and orders five more shots of vodka.

The bartender says everything all right this time??

The man again shakes his head no and says this time it's my brother. He just called a family meeting and told us he's leaving his wife for a guy he met at a gay club last week.

The bartender again says wow that's pretty rough, you know what these shots are on the house as well!

The man says thanks, takes his shots, and heads home.

Next week the man comes back in and orders 10 shots of vodka this time.

The bartender looks at him and says whoa, doesn't anyone in your family like women!?!

The man shakes his head yes and says, apparently my wife.

 

[mugsgame]

A woman decided to divorce her husband and hired a lawyer specializing in divorces.

The lawyer asked her: "So, what is the reason for your decision?"

She replied: "We're too compatible."

The lawyer: "Don't you mean 'too incompatible'?

She: "No, we're really too compatible. I love going to the cinema, he likes going to the cinema too. I like going to Indian restaurants, he loves Indian food. We both like hiking in the middle of nature. We both like to practice yoga. We both have the same religious and political preferences... but above all, we both love men!"

 

[TravisAW]

My wife said she's leaving me for 14 reasons and my obsession with tennis.

I said that's 15 love

 

[mugsgame]

Heaven or Hell?

A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

 

[mugsgame]

Drunk gets baptized

Local church is doing a riverside baptism. There is a pretty long line of people waiting to be baptized by the river.

A wandering drunk man sees the line, doesn't know what's going on but decides to join in.

When it is the drunk man's turn, he goes into the river and the preacher grabs him, holds the drunk's nose, takes him under the water, brings him back up and says to the drunk man "Have you found Jesus?"

Drunk man says "no"

Preacher gets a puzzled look on his face, grabs the drunk man and takes him under again, holding him down a few more seconds, brings him back up and says a little more forcefully "Have you found Jesus??"

Drunk man says "Nope"

Preacher is really flustered now, grabs the drunk and really pulls him under the water, keeps him under for a long time, finally pulls him up and screams at the drunk "HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?!?"

Drunk man is spitting and sputtering, gasping for air and when he gets his breath replies to the preacher "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[mugsgame]

3 Irish friends in as pub

Three Irish friends were drinking in their local pub.

Donal sighed and said, “Lads, I think me wife is cheating on me with an electrician.”

The other two friends were shocked to hear this. "Why? What makes you think that?" asked Conor.

“Well,” Donal replied, "I found a pair of wire cutters under the bed and they're not mine.”

Conor sighed too, and after a long gulp of his Guinness said, “Lads, I think me wife is cheating on me with a plumber.”

The third man, Oisin, said, “And what might make you think that?”

“Well", Conor said, “I found a wrench under the bed and it's not mine.”

Oisin sighed, looked down at the floor and confessed, “Lads, I think my wife is cheating on me with a horse.”

Donal spit out his beer as Conor shouted, “A horse! Jaysus and mercy, how could you think that?”

Oisin chugged the rest of his Guinness and said, "We’ll, I found a jockey under the bed and he's not mine".

 

[mugsgame]

Tale from a local theater

Seamus hadn’t done any acting in a long time and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.

The director said, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.' "

Seamus practiced his line and the director's instructions every day for weeks, over and over again, until finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, Seamus walked on to the stage, lifted his hand to his nose and said his line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted with laughter and the surprised Irishman gave an impromptu bow as he walked off the stage.

The director was livid. "You bloody fool!" he screamed. "You’ve ruined me!"

"What happened?" said Seamus, bewildered. "Did I forget my line?"

"No!" shouted the director. “You forgot the rose!"

 

[ccs29745]

3 Irish friends in as pub

Three Irish friends were drinking in their local pub.

Donal sighed and said, “Lads, I think me wife is cheating on me with an electrician.”

The other two friends were shocked to hear this. "Why? What makes you think that?" asked Conor.

“Well,” Donal replied, "I found a pair of wire cutters under the bed and they're not mine.”

Conor sighed too, and after a long gulp of his Guinness said, “Lads, I think me wife is cheating on me with a plumber.”

The third man, Oisin, said, “And what might make you think that?”

“Well", Conor said, “I found a wrench under the bed and it's not mine.”

Oisin sighed, looked down at the floor and confessed, “Lads, I think my wife is cheating on me with a horse.”

Donal spit out his beer as Conor shouted, “A horse! Jaysus and mercy, how could you think that?”

Oisin chugged the rest of his Guinness and said, "We’ll, I found a jockey under the bed and he's not mine".

Damn

 

[TravisAW]

A burglar broke into my house. I knocked the shit out of him and tied him up.

"I suppose you're going to call the police now," he said.

"Why?" I smiled, "Nobody knows you're here."

 

[mugsgame]

Last night my girl asked me to make love to her like in the movies...

...So I fucked her in the ass and came on her face

Apparently we don't watch the same movies

 

[mugsgame]

I just got word I got hired as an actor in a porn video, and I met the chick who will play my wife, and she's hot as hell!

I play the husband who leaves for work.

 

[mugsgame]

I finally made it to the gym after a long absence, and I was happy to see that they put up a motivational poster in the locker room.

It was a photo of a flabby, out of shape, guy — the “before” picture — to help encourage people to work out.

Turns out it was a mirror.

 

[mugsgame]

Good wives are found in every corner of the Earth

It is worth noting that the Earth is round

 

[ccs29745]

I finally made it to the gym after a long absence, and I was happy to see that they put up a motivational poster in the locker room.

It was a photo of a flabby, out of shape, guy — the “before” picture — to help encourage people to work out.

Turns out it was a mirror.

Damn

 

[mugsgame]

I’m luckier than most married guys—my wife initiates every time we have sex!

I initiate all the times we don’t.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife has sleeping issues.

She wakes up at 2-3am every night and can’t go back to sleep.

I told her to wake me up for sex when that happens…

She suddenly doesn’t have a sleeping problem any more.