Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

A man sits down at a bar looking dejected.

The bartender asks, "is everything alright?"

The man replies," No, I got in a fight with my wife and she said she won't speak to me for a month."

"Maybe that's a good thing", replied the bartender, "A bit of piece and quite."

"Yeah", the man replies, "Except, today is the last day."

 

[mugsgame]

Wife: I love you.

Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?

Wife: It’s me talking... to the wine.

 

[mugsgame]

I thought that my wife would feel flattered that I’ve only had sex with 2 other women besides her

But listing all 3 and naming her in the middle was probably not a great idea.

 

[mugsgame]

Sex on the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or pleasure. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays".

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex"? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely pleasure".

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"?

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it"

 

[mugsgame]

A man and his wife go to the doctor.

The man says, "Doctor, my penis has gotten so long it drags on the floor and I keep tripping on it. Can you make it shorter?"

The doctor says, "This would affect your wife too. What do you think, ma'am?"

She says, "Can you make his legs longer?"

 

[mugsgame]

You’re The Doctor... I Hope

A guy is about to undergo surgery.

Just as the anesthetic is about to be administered, he hears the surgeon saying, “Don’t worry, Bill. This is just a routine operation. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about.”

The guy quickly sits up and says, “Thanks Doc, but my name isn’t Bill.”

The surgeon says, “I know. I’m Bill.”

 

[mugsgame]

My wife says romance is better on vacation.

I just wish she hadn’t told me via postcard...

 

[mugsgame]

A deaf couple is having trouble communicating in bed after the lights go out.

Because they can no longer sign to each other in the dark, it was difficult to convey when one was frisky and wanted some intimacy.

One day, the wife signs "I have an idea. After the lights are out, if you're in the mood, reach over and tug my breast once. If you're not in the mood, tug it twice."

The husband agrees, and says, "And if you're feeling frisky, reach over and tug my penis once. If you're not feeling frisky, reach over and tug it 50-60 times."

 

[mugsgame]

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still thinks I'm a stud

Sometimes I'll walk by and hear her whisper to herself "What a dick."

 

[mugsgame]

Motor bike accident

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."

 

[mugsgame]

I wasn’t yawning...

My wife just said to me “I was talking and you yawned 6 times. Am i boring you?”

I said, “I wasn’t yawning. Those were failed attempts at trying to speak.”

 

[mugsgame]

Celebration

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.

His wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[mugsgame]

An elderly woman is on trial for shoplifting.

"What exactly was it that you stole?" the judge inquires.

"A can of peaches, your Honor."

"May I ask why?"

"I was hungry."

"How many whole peaches would you say were in the can?"

"All together," the old woman estimated with a shug, "Maybe three."

"Then I will only sentence you to 3 days in jail."

"Uh, excuse me, your Honor," the woman's husband calls out rising to his feet at the back of the court room, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny walks into a convenience store.

He comes up to the counter, and says: “Can I get a pack of condoms, please?”

The clerk with amusement replies: “First of all, it’s not for little kids. And second, have your dad come over to make sure he gets the right size.”

Little Johnny: “First of all, it’s not for kids but from kids. And second, it’s not for my dad but for my mom who’s going on a cruise with her lady friends, and she doesn’t know yet which sizes will be there.”

 

[mugsgame]

Success is like getting pregnant

Nobody knows how many times you got f*ked.

 

[Meekly_Anna]

An engineer was walking through the fog one fine day. This did nothing to dampen her spirits, as she knew exactly where she was and where she wanted to go.
Suddenly a loud voice sounded from above. “Hey, you down there, can you tell me where I am?”
She looked up and replied kindly, “You're in the basket of a hot air balloon.”
“You're an engineer, aren't you?”
Puzzled, she replied “How do you know that?”
"I just asked you a very simple question. You gave me a technically correct answer and yet your answer is completely useless."
“You're a manager, I presume?”
This time the gentleman was taken aback.
“How do you know that?”
"You have no idea where you are. You have no idea where you want to go. You are in the situation through your own fault. You're only above me because of a lot of hot air. You've asked me a completely inadequate question. And yet I'm supposed to be to blame for your situation?"

 

[mugsgame]

My wife used to be afraid of the dark. One night I turned the light on when I was naked.

Now she’s afraid of the light.

 

[mugsgame]

A hospital’s regulations required a wheelchair for patients being discharged

However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help leaving the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don't know,” he said. “She's still upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown.”

 

[mugsgame]

What's the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?

Methodists wave to each other at the liquor store

 

[mugsgame]

Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisper to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

 

[mugsgame]

My wife stuck a map of the world on the wall and handed me a dart.

"Wherever the dart lands is where we go on our next holiday."

Turns out we're gonna be spending a week behind the fridge!

 

[mugsgame]

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

 

[mugsgame]

A visit to the dentist

My name is Claire. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the same school as mine..

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly old bald wrinkled gray-haired decrepit idiot asked, "What subject did you teach?”

 

[Horny_rabbi]

Sex on the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or pleasure. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays".

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex"? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely pleasure".

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"?

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it"

This rabbi agrees.

 

[English_guy_bkk]

An engineer was walking through the fog one fine day. This did nothing to dampen her spirits, as she knew exactly where she was and where she wanted to go.
Suddenly a loud voice sounded from above. “Hey, you down there, can you tell me where I am?”
She looked up and replied kindly, “You're in the basket of a hot air balloon.”
“You're an engineer, aren't you?”
Puzzled, she replied “How do you know that?”
"I just asked you a very simple question. You gave me a technically correct answer and yet your answer is completely useless."
“You're a manager, I presume?”
This time the gentleman was taken aback.
“How do you know that?”
"You have no idea where you are. You have no idea where you want to go. You are in the situation through your own fault. You're only above me because of a lot of hot air. You've asked me a completely inadequate question. And yet I'm supposed to be to blame for your situation?"

"Excellent '