Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

I had a chance to talk to my grandpa at my wedding reception.

I told him, "I'm so excited to begin my life together with Kendra. She'll be a great friend to have at my side."

He told me, "Billy, after 50 years of marriage, I can tell you that you need a partner to survive the ups and downs. I really couldn't have made it without help from my Ethyl."

I said, "But grandpa, grandma's name is Mabel."

He said, "I'm talking about alcohol, you fool!"

 

[mugsgame]

During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide.

Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me."

He replies: "Don't worry, I don't eat pork."

 

[mugsgame]

A husband and wife are having dinner and sharing a bottle of wine.

The wife says "Do you know, I don't think I could live without you"

The husband replies "Wow. That's the most romantic thing you have ever said. But was that you or the wine talking?"

"No" she says. "That's me talking to the wine"

 

[mugsgame]

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."

The woman turns to him and says, "Nope, it's a black hole, and your chances of taking me home just got sucked into it."

 

[mugsgame]

An old man and a old woman are sitting on their porch. Both enjoying their newspapers when the old man rolls up his newspaper, leans forward and swats his wife across her knees as hard as he can.

She yells at him "Old Man, what'd you do that for?"

He replies "That's for 50 years of bad sex!"

They both go back to their papers and after a while she rolls up her newspaper and leans forward and whacks her husband across his knees.

He yells "Old Woman, what was that for?"

She says "That's for knowing the difference!"

 

[mugsgame]

After the honeymoon.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before".

”I wasn't!"

 

[mugsgame]

I met this woman in a bar.

After we finished having sex, she turned to me and said: "When you said you wanted to fuck me so bad, I didn't realize you meant literally..."

 

[mugsgame]

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.

One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy you look really tired!”

His friend replies,

“Dude, I’m exhausted, my girlfriend wants sex all the time! Three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do!”

A fellow, in his seventies, is sitting a few bar stools down from them and overhears their conversation. He looked over at the two men, and showing the wisdom of his age says, “Marry her. That’ll put an end to that nonsense!”

 

[Biggalute]

Two snails having a race and one decides to take off his shell so he's more aerodynamic.
'Did it work?' a friend asks him.
'No, I felt more sluggish.'

 

[mugsgame]

I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day.

I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun.

So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair.

That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of juice that you can access through a crack.

Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious. He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't.

Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters C, N, T, and U.

My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!

 

[mugsgame]

This week in Little Johnny’s English class, they were learning about punctuation.

When they got to periods, Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?”

The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know.

He said, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”

 

[mugsgame]

A married man approaches a stunning woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"

She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"

Him: "It won't be necessary... every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere..."

 

[mugsgame]

A man is out golfing when he crashes and overturns his golf buggy. A beautiful woman in a nearby house comes out to check on him.

"Come to my house, you can sit down and rest".

He says "My wife will wonder where I am", but he goes anyway.

Sitting on her couch, she says, "Have a drink, it'll help you calm down."

"My wife will wonder where I am, but okay".

As he's finishing his drink, the woman comes back in a revealing outfit, "Come up to bed, you'll feel better after some fun."

Again the man says, "My wife will wonder where I am."

Frustrated at this repeated refrain, the woman asks "Why do you keep on saying that, why do you think your wife will wonder where you are?"

The man replies, "Because she's still out there, trapped under the golf buggy."

 

[mugsgame]

They say masturbation makes you blind…

Thank God I learned touch typing...

 

[mugsgame]

Why I Can’t Go Back to That Restaurant

Last night, my wife and I went to a fancy restaurant. As we were waiting for our food, I noticed the waiter had a spoon sticking out of his shirt pocket.

Curious, I asked, "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?"

He smiled and said, "Oh, we had an efficiency expert analyze our workflow. Turns out customers drop spoons a lot, so now every waiter carries a spare. Saves us a trip to the kitchen!"

I nodded, impressed by the logic.

Then I noticed something even stranger—a string hanging from his zipper.

I hesitated, then finally asked, "Uh… what’s the string for?"

He leaned in and whispered, "Another efficiency trick. When we use the restroom, we don’t have to touch anything. We just pull the string and… hands stay clean!"

I was amazed. "Wow, that’s actually pretty smart. But… how do you put it back in?"

The waiter grinned.

"With the spoon."

 

[Oralexplorer]

What's the difference between a fridge and an asshole ?
..
When you pull the meat out from the fridge it does not fart ..

 

[mugsgame]

"Therefore," said the minister, "If anyone knows why these two may not lawfully be joined in Holy Matrimony, you must now speak, or else forever hereafter hold your peace."

Into the customary silence there dropped the click of a pair of lady's shoes on the stone tiles of the aisle. Everyone turned to see the beautiful young woman with a small infant in her arms walking forward from the back of the church.

The hush became deeper. The bride burst into tears and slapped the groom across the face. The bride's mother gave a despairing wail and collapsed in a dead faint. The bride's father gave a snort like an enraged bull, tore off his jacket and handed it to the matron of honor, and balled his sizeable fists. The groomsmen looked from one to another in confusion, while the groom himself could only stare in stunned disbelief.

The minister croaked hoarsely, "What is it, young lady?"

"---Could you turn your microphone on, please? We can't hear at the back," she said softly.

 

[mugsgame]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for next Tuesday.

 

[mugsgame]

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice ..."

 

[mugsgame]

A man was shaving while getting ready for work and told his wife, "After I shave I feel 20 years younger!"

His wife sighed and said, "Maybe you should start shaving before we go to bed."

 

[mugsgame]

Ms Suzies class has won a drawing to have a formal group dinner with famous actress, so in preparation she starts her seventh graders on an etiquette course.

She of course starts of with basic table manners, no elbows on the table, don't pick your nose, etc. For the most part the class is excited and complies, save for Johnny, who can never take anything seriously.

As the class went on, one student raises her hand and asks to use the restroom.

"This is a perfect time to use your new skills Anne," said Ms Suzie, "how would you ask to do so I'm polite company?"

After a moment of thought, Anne answers "Excuse me, but I need to tinkle, I'll return shortly."

With a suffering smile, Ms Suzie responds "You're on the right track Anne, but you must refrain from using terms that indicate rude bodily functions. You may however be excused to the restroom. Would anyone else care to try?"

Instantly two hands shot up, Andrew... and Johnny. Ignoring the troublemaker for now, Ms Suzie calls upon Andrew.

"Andrew, how would a gentleman excuse himself from the table to the restroom?"

Andrew, not being the brightest bulb in the pack said "I know this one! My mom likes those old movies! I would say 'Pardon me everyone, I simply must excuse myself to refresh my powder!'."

The room erupts in laughter as Ms Suzie explains that while it is an appropriate way for a lady to excuse herself, it's not quite the same for men.

Once again she asks for volunteers, but this time only Johnny raises his hand. Steeling herself for the worst, she calls on him.

"It's easy, all I'd say is 'If you will excuse me madam, I have a quick appointment to shake hands with an old acquaintance to whom it would be my pleasure to introduce to you later in the evening!'."

 

[mugsgame]

Spanish teacher tells the class that every question must be in Spanish ...

Little Johnny raises his hand & asks, "May I go to the Juan? "

 

[mugsgame]

"Dad, did you attend the same school as me?"

"Yes, 30 years ago. Why are you asking?"

"Today my math teacher said it’s been 30 years since she last time saw a moron like me."

 

[ccs29745]

"Dad, did you attend the same school as me?"

"Yes, 30 years ago. Why are you asking?"

"Today my math teacher said it’s been 30 years since she last time saw a moron like me."

Damn

 

[mugsgame]

My friend has a big doll/mannequin head beside his bed...

I always wondered what it was for.. but today I just asked him.

He paused as though caught out and then replied - "That big doll-head is why I'm single, it gives the best blowjob in the world"

I made an expression of obvious disbelief; knowing that I was being joked with...

"Okay, don't believe me? Watch..." - He said.

He unzipped himself, picked up the head, spat in it's mouth and then inserted himself, literally 20 seconds later he said "ugh.. that's me finished already, that is the best ever..."

My eyes widened... "Do you want to try?" He said.

"Yes, but don't spit in my mouth please" I replied.