Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Confucius says, "When a man sets out on a mission of revenge, he must dig 2 graves."

When Chuck Norris sets out on a mission of revenge he digs 2 graves: 1 for his mark, and 1 for the guy who thinks he can go around telling Chuck Norris how many graves to dig.

 

[Hornymwtxn]

How does a "insert state" farmer find his sheep in the tall corn?




Very satisfying

 

[mugsgame]

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study to find out more about him.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks.

"I am a bible scholar," the young man replies. "A bible scholar, huh," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she is used to having?"

The young man replies, "I will study & God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, which she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies & God will provide for us," replies the young man.

The conversation proceeds in this manner, which each question the father asks, the young man replies that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did the conversation go?"

The father answers:

"He has no job & no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God."

 

[mugsgame]

Guy goes to church to confess

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”, says the man: “I stole a car. As redemption, I am willing to give the car to you”

Father says: “That’s ok kid. God will forgive you. But I wouldn’t want that car. You should give it back to the owner instead”.

“But the owner said he doesn’t want it”, says the man.

“In that case”, says the Father: “You may keep that car”.

The man thanks the priest and leaves.

At the end of the day the priest walks outside, and says, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! It was my car!"

 

[oldtruckdriver]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

 

[oldtruckdriver]

An elderly couple found they were getting very forgetful so they went to the doctor. After runnung tests he told them that there was nothing physically wrong, it was just a function of getting old. He suggested they get small notebooks and write important things down. They thought this was a freat idea.
That night they were watching television and the old man got out of his chair.
The wife asked, "Where are going?"
He said, "To get some ice cream."
She said, "I would like some also. Maybe you better write that down."
He replied, "I can remember ice cream until i get to the kitchen."
She said, "I also want strawberries on mine. Maybe you better write that down."
In a huff he told her, "I could remember ice cream and strawberries until he got to the kitchen."
"Well, I suppose you can but I want whipped cream on mine. That's three things, maybe you should write it down."
Very indignant now he says. "I can rember ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream until I get to the kitchen."
Ten minutes later he comes back and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
"I knew it, I knew it you forgot the toast."

 

[mugsgame]

"Private Jackson, report!"

"Yes, sir! I report that during my duty, nothing of interest happened… except we broke the handle of the shovel."

"Why did you break the shovel handle?"

"Well… we needed to bury our service dog."

"What happened to the service dog??"

"He was run over by a firetruck…"

"What?! Why the hell was there a firetruck here???"

"Well… since the ammunition depot caught on fire…"

"WHAT?! And I have to drag this out of you like this?!?"

*sobbing "I know… but if I told you right away, I was afraid you’d shoot yourself like Major Merry…"

 

[mugsgame]

The Urge

A man runs to catch his departing train. Once on board, he realizes he needs to use the bathroom. He searches through the carriages, but all the restrooms are either occupied or out of order. He considers getting off to use the station's facilities, but just then, the conductor blows the whistle for departure.

Unable to hold it any longer, the man opens a window, sticks his backside out, and begins to relieve himself. Moments later, the loudspeakers announce:

"Train number 9327 is departing from platform 4. Please do not lean out of the windows—especially the bald gentleman with a cigar in his mouth."

 

[mugsgame]

On a February morning, a distraught man rushes into an urgent care, clutching his groin in an attempt to stop the bleeding.

The intake team takes a careful look at his injuries as they apply bandages and antibiotics.

The nurse asks, "What exactly happened here? It seems as though someone tried to bite your penis off."

The man replies, shakily, "I had asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. I told her I would do anything for her, even her most indulgent fantasy."

The nurse, befuddled, asks, "That's very thoughtful of you, but how exactly did you end up like this?"

Bewildered, the man stammers, "I... I... I don't know what went wrong. I gave her exactly what she wanted. She told me she would love to be woken up with oral sex."

 

[OSGAMR]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter...l slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself. "I really need a new fu"king boat."

 

[mugsgame]

Guy talk

A guy was talking to his neighbor over the fence. “I mowed the lawn the other day, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that moment, I would have needed to clarify that men ponder deeply on diverse subjects, sparking further inquiries.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

[Bassytian]

What does a male professional basketball player practice in the shower?

His ball handling.

 

[bestkeptsecret678]

I always click the box that says “accept all cookies”. But … not once, has any website ever sent me a cookie.

 

[mugsgame]

Guy walks into doctors office with elbow pain

So the doctor says “You my friend are in luck .. I just so happen to have a new machine in the back that can diagnose anything w a urine sample !”

So the guy rolls his eyes and gives him a sample .. the doc takes his sample and says I’ll be right back

After 10 min he comes back and says "You've got tennis elbow! .. now take it easy w that elbow come back in 2 weeks and bring me another sample .. here’s a new cup to bring it back in."

So the guy goes home starts thinking about this a bit more and says this doctor is a quack! Machine in back .. whatever …that’s bullshit .. I’m gonna get him.

So he gets some urine from his wife, some from his daughter, goes to garage gets some oil out of his truck … then finally jerks off into the cup.

His appointment day arrives and he delivers his sample.

The doctor says ”Thank you I’ll be right back."

Sure enough after 10-15 minutes the doctor comes back and says "Sir, your wife has VD, your daughters pregnant, you need a new head gasket and if you don’t stop jerking off you’re never gonna get rid of that tennis elbow!!"

 

[mugsgame]

Man, the Internet is wild. I got a text from some random dude who wanted to meet in the woods at midnight to compare dick sizes.

Fucking weirdo didn't even turn up!

 

[mugsgame]

The old prospector and the gunslinger

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance...never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered and the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everyone standing there was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the clicks too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels.

The shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The young gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir…but I've always wanted to.”

 

[mugsgame]

I like a woman who takes charge in the bedroom...

Because I can't pay cash.

 

[mugsgame]

You'd be surprised how quickly employees at Home Depot help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes...

All you need to do is to start a gas chainsaw in the store and they'll come right over.

 

[mugsgame]

I caught my son going on Pornhub today and I am now deeply ashamed of him.

Only a dumbass would answer no on the "Are you over 18?" question.

 

[mugsgame]

A drunk man and the Lady in Black

A drunk man sees a gorgeous Lady in Black and politely approaches her, asking:

"Would the pretty lady allow me the pleasure of just one dance tonight?"

The lady answers back: "No, for 4 different reasons:

1-You're Drunk!

2-This is a funeral!

3-You can't dance to The Lord's Prayer!

4-Pretty Lady my ass! I'm the priest!

 

[mugsgame]

Mother to daughter

“I never slept with a man until I married your father,” said the mother to her daughter. “Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?”

“Yes,” she replied, “But not with such a straight face.”

 

[mugsgame]

Whenever I’m hiring someone I print out all the resumes and shuffle them together. I take the top half and throw them away.

After all I wouldn’t want to hire anyone who is unlucky.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife asked, “Watcha doing today?”

I said, “Nothing.”

She said, “You did that yesterday.”

I said, “I wasn’t finished.”

 

[mugsgame]

A sale's Rep for Vaseline was interviewing women at a local drug store to ask if they used her product.

Most declined to answer, but a few of the younger girls admitted to using it for anal sex.

She saw an older woman walk in with 3 young children behind her.

She said "Excuse me ma'am, but could you tell me if you've ever used Vaseline during sex"?

The lady replied "Oh yes, my husband and I use Vaseline every time we make love".

The sale's Rep said "Wow, doesn't having that much anal get old"?

The lady replied "Anal sex! Oh, hell no! We smear it on the doorknob to keep these little bastards from busting in"!

 

[mugsgame]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."