Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[CuriousInAR78]

Best joke I know is my life

 

[mugsgame]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well, Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... boobs out to here, Dave, boobs out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... built like a brick shithouse, I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat. "So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her and said 'It's either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a weiner, Dave !!! She had a great BIG weiner!!! AND.........

Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

 

[mugsgame]

A kilted Scotsman was walking home from a pub after a night of drinking whisky. He collapses by the roadside for a nap.

While he slept, two woman came by and saw him lying there. One of them was overcome with curiosity and decided to see what was worn under a kilt. She lifted his kilt and saw that he wore nothing at all.

Her friend said, "We should thank him for solving that question." So they took a blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around his endowment.

A while later the Scotsman awoke and staggered into the bushes to answer natures call. Lifting his kilt he was puzzled by the ribbon. After staring a moment he said, "I don't know where you've been laddie, and I don't know what you've done, but I see you got first prize!"

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny's Sex education

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging her

I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.

This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

 

[mugsgame]

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from India

This is how it went:

"Hello sir, how are you today?"

"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"

"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft."

"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How's the weather there today?"

"No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and..."

"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"

"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you..."

"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer."

"You don't?"

"I don't."

"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir!"

"Don't have one."

"Ipad?"

"Nope."

"Tablet?"

"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone."

After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"

I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

 

[eatbliss]

A couple of gay deer were walking out of a bar when one turned to the other.
"I feel bad about what happened in there tonight", said the saddened deer.
"Why? It looked like you were having fun tonight.", said the other.
"Well, I was, but I blew over twenty bucks"

 

[Chernosoth]

A kilted Scotsman was walking home from a pub after a night of drinking whisky. He collapses by the roadside for a nap.

I heard that first as a song by Blackthorn. Youtube doesn't have it by that band, so here's another:

 

[Ronnie6869]

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?" The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish." "Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish." The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

The teacher asks the class can anyone tell me what is that thing on the roof of the barn with the arrows? Tommy puts his hand up I can. Ok tommy what is it ? It's a weathervane! Very good Tommy. Can anyone tell us what animal they use? Again Tommy says i can. O.K. Tommy what animal do they use? Tommy says they use a COCK. Very good Tommy ,do you know why they use a cock? Yea if they used a CUNT the wind would blow right through it........

 

[mugsgame]

A man goes in for a checkup and afterwards the doctor comes in and somberly tells him that his kidneys are failing.

The man cheerfully replies “That’s okay Doc, I’m 41. I should be getting my adult knees any day now!”

 

[mugsgame]

I went to see my doctor, she asked me to provide a stool sample.

So I enrolled on a basic woodworking course.

At my follow-up, she asked about it and looked more than a little concerned when I told her it will probably take me a couple of months to produce it.

 

[mugsgame]

A couple gets married

And they don't know the first thing about sex.

The girl decides to call up her mom since she has no other ideas.

The mom simply says "Take the hardest part of his body and put it where you pee."

5 minutes later, she gets a call back-

"Ok Mom, we got his head in the toilet, what's next?"

 

[ericalauren]

I was at Panera today. There was a group of young adults (maybe 20 years old?). One of them said, "What do you call cheese that's not yours? NACHO CHEESE!" The group laughed hysterically.

 

[Shady_nz]

 

[mugsgame]

My wife said she wants more romance in our marriage.

So I lit some candles, dimmed the lights, put on soft music, and held her hands gently. She smiled and said, “This is lovely… what made you do all this?”

I said, “Power cut. Wi-Fi’s gone. You were my last entertainment option."

 

[mugsgame]

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and a Prada purse.

The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

She tells the doctor, "I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind ... but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."

 

[Shady_nz]

 

[mugsgame]

An old man and his wife came in to see the doctor for their aches and pains.

The doctor asked, “Are either of you allergic to analgesics?”

Confused, the old man looked at his wife, “Are we, dear? We only tried it once.”

 

[mugsgame]

A sharply dressed man approached a young woman at the bar and asked “May i buy you a drink?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you have a girlfriend? Guys like you usually do.”

He gave a wistful little shrug. “No… we broke up about a month ago.”

Her expression softened. “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. In that case, sure—I’ll take a glass of white wine.” One glass turned into two. Then three. The laughter flowed as easily as the wine, and by the end of the night, they were wrapped in each other’s arms, heading back to her apartment. Passion followed. The kind that erases questions and replaces them with breathless silence. Later, as he pulled on his shirt and she lay watching him from beneath the sheets, curiosity got the better of her.

“You're handsome, kind, and... let’s just say, very talented,” she said with a playful grin. “So what happened with your girlfriend? Why did you two break up?”

He paused, sighed, and gave a rueful smile. “My wife found out.”

 

[Shady_nz]

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner . I’d been shopping with my friends all day and figured he was upset I was running a bit late — but he didn’t say a word about it.
The conversation was flat so I suggested we go somewhere quiet to talk. He agreed… but still said very little.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said, “Nothing.”
I asked if it was my fault.
He said, “No, don’t worry about it.”
On the way home, I told him I loved him . He smiled slightly and just kept driving . When we got home, he sat and watched TV silently . I felt like I’d lost him. He seemed so far away.
Eventually, I went to bed, feeling broken .
About 15 minutes later, he came in and fell asleep right away .
I lay there crying , convinced his thoughts were with someone else.
My life felt like a disaster.
His diary:
“A two-foot putt! Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?!”

 

[Shady_nz]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them with their faulty memories.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from
his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?'” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'she answers.
“Sure,” he says and heads for the kitchen.
“Don’t you think you should write it down?” she asks
sweetly.
“No need,” he responds, ‘I can remember that”
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write all that down, so you don’t forget it.”
He says, “I can remember that -- you want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries.”
“I'd also like some whipped cream,” she continues. “And I'm
certain you'll forget that, so will you please write it down?”
And from the kitchen, he shouts. “I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it, for God’s sake! Ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream - I got it!”
After about 20 minutes, the old man shuffles back and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a
moment and says, “So? Where's the bloody toast!?”

 

[mugsgame]

I told my wife the next time we have sex I'm going to use The Force.

She said, "You better try something! I can barely feel your lightsaber."

 

[mugsgame]

So the third grade teacher asks the class, "Can anyone give an example of a long compound sentence?"

Mary stands up and says, "My mom gets up early every day and she brushes her hair, does her makeup, puts on her prettiest dress, nicest earrings, her highest heels; then she leaves the house to go to work."

The teacher says. "Thank you, Mary. Now: can anyone give an example of a simple sentence?"

And little Johnny stands up and says, "Mary's mom is a whore."

 

[ShyDave24]

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...I don't know why.

 

[curioustxn]

Once there was a man from Boston
Who had a car he called an Austin
He had room in his ass
for three gallons of gas
and his balls hung down till he lost 'em

 

[Wellnobodysperfect]

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off from his body? Don’t worry he is all right now.