Hmm72
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 13, 2021
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- 1,533
Holy shit that’s funny
LeSabreur
I listen intently
- Joined
- May 17, 2025
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- 3,632
An older man and his wife were having a quiet dinner at home. The man slid a small wrapped gift across the table to his wife. "I saw this and I knew that you would like it," he told her.
She unwrapped it and smiled happily at the beautiful pair of earrings. "Thank you, dear. They're beautiful. How sweet of you!"
"I'm glad you like them, my love," he replied, blowing a bit on a spoonful of hot soup.
She gestured at the other gift by his elbow. "Is that for me, too?" she asked.
"No," he replied, "that's for my mistress."
With a shocked expression she asked, "Your mistress? You have a mistress?"
Sipping his soup, the man calmly replied, "Yes dear, but it's not important."
The woman contemplated the bowl in front of her. "But...how long have you had a mistress?"
"Oh, about two years," he responded. "But really, it's unimportant. It's just for sex."
"I see," she replied slowly. "Well...how often do you see her?"
"Oh," he answered, quite casually, "about every two weeks or so. George has one too, you know."
"George? Your business partner has a mistress, as well?" she asked, her mouth hanging slightly open.
"Oh yes," he said, "but listen, it's just not important. Please pass the salt."
She thought quietly for a few minutes before asking, "Do I know her?"
"Who, dear?" her husband asked.
"Your mistress," she said.
"Ahh...no," he answered. After another sip of soup, he added, "She's a showgirl."
"A showgirl?" she asked.
"That's right. As a matter of fact, George's mistress is in the same show," her husband responded. "This soup is very nice."
Thinking a few moments, the woman asked, "Well...can I see her?"
---------------------------
The next week, the man and his wife were sitting in the audience at a local theater. As the curtain rose and the music started, the woman leaned close to her husband and asked quietly, "Which one is she?"
"She's the brunette. Third from the left," he replied.
She picked up her opera glasses and peered at the woman for quite a while. Lowering them again to her lap, she again leaned close to her husband and whispered, "And which one is George's?"
He looked around. "Ahhh...the blonde at the end," he answered, gesturing to his right.
She picked up her opera glasses again and gave the blonde a long look. She then swung them to the left and viewed the brunette, also giving her a long appraisal. Several times she swung the little binoculars back and forth.
She then lowered them to her lap, leaned in close to her husband, and, with a smile, said, "Ours is prettier."
She unwrapped it and smiled happily at the beautiful pair of earrings. "Thank you, dear. They're beautiful. How sweet of you!"
"I'm glad you like them, my love," he replied, blowing a bit on a spoonful of hot soup.
She gestured at the other gift by his elbow. "Is that for me, too?" she asked.
"No," he replied, "that's for my mistress."
With a shocked expression she asked, "Your mistress? You have a mistress?"
Sipping his soup, the man calmly replied, "Yes dear, but it's not important."
The woman contemplated the bowl in front of her. "But...how long have you had a mistress?"
"Oh, about two years," he responded. "But really, it's unimportant. It's just for sex."
"I see," she replied slowly. "Well...how often do you see her?"
"Oh," he answered, quite casually, "about every two weeks or so. George has one too, you know."
"George? Your business partner has a mistress, as well?" she asked, her mouth hanging slightly open.
"Oh yes," he said, "but listen, it's just not important. Please pass the salt."
She thought quietly for a few minutes before asking, "Do I know her?"
"Who, dear?" her husband asked.
"Your mistress," she said.
"Ahh...no," he answered. After another sip of soup, he added, "She's a showgirl."
"A showgirl?" she asked.
"That's right. As a matter of fact, George's mistress is in the same show," her husband responded. "This soup is very nice."
Thinking a few moments, the woman asked, "Well...can I see her?"
---------------------------
The next week, the man and his wife were sitting in the audience at a local theater. As the curtain rose and the music started, the woman leaned close to her husband and asked quietly, "Which one is she?"
"She's the brunette. Third from the left," he replied.
She picked up her opera glasses and peered at the woman for quite a while. Lowering them again to her lap, she again leaned close to her husband and whispered, "And which one is George's?"
He looked around. "Ahhh...the blonde at the end," he answered, gesturing to his right.
She picked up her opera glasses again and gave the blonde a long look. She then swung them to the left and viewed the brunette, also giving her a long appraisal. Several times she swung the little binoculars back and forth.
She then lowered them to her lap, leaned in close to her husband, and, with a smile, said, "Ours is prettier."
Shady_nz
cc's girl .. always
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2024
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- 8,047
Johnny decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. 
So they loaded up Johnny’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. 
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize the weather is awful out there, and I have this huge house all to myself since I’m recently widowed,” she said. “But I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay inside.”
“Don’t worry,” Johnny said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone before dawn.”
The lady agreed, and the two men headed to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, so they went on their way to go skiing.
About nine months later, Johnny received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally realized it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow from the farm.
“Bob, do you remember the good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at during our trip up north about nine months ago?” Johnny asked.
“Yes, I do,” Bob said.
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go to the house, and pay her a visit?”
“Well… um… yes,” Bob admitted, a little embarrassed. “I have to confess that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?”
Bob’s face turned bright red. “Yeah. Look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“Well,” Johnny said, “because she just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)
So they loaded up Johnny’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.“I realize the weather is awful out there, and I have this huge house all to myself since I’m recently widowed,” she said. “But I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay inside.”
“Don’t worry,” Johnny said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone before dawn.”
The lady agreed, and the two men headed to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, so they went on their way to go skiing.
About nine months later, Johnny received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally realized it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow from the farm.
“Bob, do you remember the good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at during our trip up north about nine months ago?” Johnny asked.
“Yes, I do,” Bob said.
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go to the house, and pay her a visit?”
“Well… um… yes,” Bob admitted, a little embarrassed. “I have to confess that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?”
Bob’s face turned bright red. “Yeah. Look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“Well,” Johnny said, “because she just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
A teacher asks her class to make a sentence with the word beautiful twice..
Little Timmy raises his hand then proudly says "The beautiful flowers are beautiful."
Then Laura gets up and says "The beautiful trees are beautiful."
Then dirty little Johnny raises his filthy hands. The teacher reluctantly calls on him.
So he stands up with an evil little smirk and says "Yesterday, during dinner, my 15 year old sister announced she's pregnant. Then my dad says; 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful.'"
Little Timmy raises his hand then proudly says "The beautiful flowers are beautiful."
Then Laura gets up and says "The beautiful trees are beautiful."
Then dirty little Johnny raises his filthy hands. The teacher reluctantly calls on him.
So he stands up with an evil little smirk and says "Yesterday, during dinner, my 15 year old sister announced she's pregnant. Then my dad says; 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful.'"
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Teacher asks the class what they need in their household.
Suzie says they need a new fridge as their current one is too old.
Joey says they need a microwave because it would be faster to warm up meals.
Teacher asks little Johnny what they need.
"We don't need anything!"
"I'm sure your family needs something..."
"No, I'm sure we don't! My dad came home drunk last night, puked all over the carpet, and my mom said: Great! That's all we needed!"
Suzie says they need a new fridge as their current one is too old.
Joey says they need a microwave because it would be faster to warm up meals.
Teacher asks little Johnny what they need.
"We don't need anything!"
"I'm sure your family needs something..."
"No, I'm sure we don't! My dad came home drunk last night, puked all over the carpet, and my mom said: Great! That's all we needed!"
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Posts
- 8,875
A blonde is waiting table for a couple of guys, and one of them is telling a load of really obnoxious blonde jokes.
When he goes out to the men's room, the other diner beckons her over and says, "You know, I think Jack could stand to learn that blondes are smarter than he thinks. When he comes back, I'm going to write something on a napkin and ask you a question. Just remember to say 'one-third x cubed', okay?"
She mutters "One-third x cubed" a few times and then goes away.
When Jack comes back, his friend calls her over, writes something on a napkin and says "Say, could you tell Jack what the answer to this is?"
The blonde looks at the napkin and reads out "...kind of a long S, x with a little two next to it, dx... Oh yeah, I know that one. It's 'one-third x cubed. "
And as she turns to go, she looks back and adds "Plus a constant of integration."
When he goes out to the men's room, the other diner beckons her over and says, "You know, I think Jack could stand to learn that blondes are smarter than he thinks. When he comes back, I'm going to write something on a napkin and ask you a question. Just remember to say 'one-third x cubed', okay?"
She mutters "One-third x cubed" a few times and then goes away.
When Jack comes back, his friend calls her over, writes something on a napkin and says "Say, could you tell Jack what the answer to this is?"
The blonde looks at the napkin and reads out "...kind of a long S, x with a little two next to it, dx... Oh yeah, I know that one. It's 'one-third x cubed. "
And as she turns to go, she looks back and adds "Plus a constant of integration."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
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- 8,875
Bill wanted to surprise his boyfriend Brandon for their anniversary
So he went to a tattoo parlor and got their initials tattooed on his ass, one on each ass cheek.
That evening, as soon as Brandon was back home, he turned around and dropped his pants, exclaiming: "Surprise!"
Brandon took a look, gasped, and then asked with heartbroken fury in his voice: "Who is he? Who the fuck is Bob?"
So he went to a tattoo parlor and got their initials tattooed on his ass, one on each ass cheek.
That evening, as soon as Brandon was back home, he turned around and dropped his pants, exclaiming: "Surprise!"
Brandon took a look, gasped, and then asked with heartbroken fury in his voice: "Who is he? Who the fuck is Bob?"
Shady_nz
cc's girl .. always
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2024
- Posts
- 8,047
A young woman on a flight from Ireland turns to the priest beside her and whispers:“Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course, child. What can I do for you?”
“Well… I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It’s still in the box, but it’s way over the Customs limit, and I’m terrified they’ll confiscate it. Could you… maybe… carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes?”
The priest smiled gently.
“I’d love to help you, dear… but I must warn you — I will not lie.”
“With that honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she said.
When they reached Customs, she let the priest go first.
The officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
The priest answered,
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The officer frowned. “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
The priest replied,
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman… which, to this day, is completely unused.”
The Customs officer burst out laughing and waved him through.
“Go on then, Father! Next, please!”
Shady_nz
cc's girl .. always
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2024
- Posts
- 8,047
Court Reporters
TOO FUNNY NOT TO POST
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
TOO FUNNY NOT TO POST
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
curioustxn
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2017
- Posts
- 248
Once there was a man named Knute
Who had warts on the end of his root
He used acid on these
and now when he pees
He fiddles his root like a flute
Who had warts on the end of his root
He used acid on these
and now when he pees
He fiddles his root like a flute
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
3 Drug dealers and the Prison Warden
3 Drug dealers have been arrested and sentenced to prison but as they are all leaving the courtroom, the prison warden brings them to a classroom and talks to them.
"In a couple of minutes, there will be a dozen juveniles in this room who have been picked up on drug related crimes. If you can convince them to never touch drugs again. You can go free"
The drug dealers nod their head happy with this second chance.
The prison warden says "However, you can only use this for reference" And the prison warden goes to the board and draws a large circle and a small circle.
The Youths start coming into the classroom and the first drug dealer goes up to the board.
Points at the large circle. "This is your wallet before drugs" and points at the small circle "And this is your wallet after drugs"
None of the Juveniles even blink and the drug dealer is escorted to prison.
The second drug dealer steps forward and points at the large circle.
"This is your brain before drugs" Points at the small circle "And this is your brain after drugs"
One Juvenile stands up and leaves the room, muttering how he doesn't want to be an idiot.
The second drug dealer is happy and leaves the classroom, prison warden chases him and catches him. Reminding him that all of the juveniles need to leave not one.
As the prison warden heads back to the classroom, there is a rush of juveniles all leaving at once. Swearing that they will never touch drugs for as long as they breathe.
The prison warden is astonished and goes into the classroom to see the third drug dealer with a beaming smile.
The prison warden asks "What did you say to them?"
Drug dealer replies "I said if they carried on with drugs they would all go to prison and they agree"
The Prison warden says "But what about the circles?"
"Ah" Goes the drug dealer and points at the small circle "This is your arsehole before prison...."
3 Drug dealers have been arrested and sentenced to prison but as they are all leaving the courtroom, the prison warden brings them to a classroom and talks to them.
"In a couple of minutes, there will be a dozen juveniles in this room who have been picked up on drug related crimes. If you can convince them to never touch drugs again. You can go free"
The drug dealers nod their head happy with this second chance.
The prison warden says "However, you can only use this for reference" And the prison warden goes to the board and draws a large circle and a small circle.
The Youths start coming into the classroom and the first drug dealer goes up to the board.
Points at the large circle. "This is your wallet before drugs" and points at the small circle "And this is your wallet after drugs"
None of the Juveniles even blink and the drug dealer is escorted to prison.
The second drug dealer steps forward and points at the large circle.
"This is your brain before drugs" Points at the small circle "And this is your brain after drugs"
One Juvenile stands up and leaves the room, muttering how he doesn't want to be an idiot.
The second drug dealer is happy and leaves the classroom, prison warden chases him and catches him. Reminding him that all of the juveniles need to leave not one.
As the prison warden heads back to the classroom, there is a rush of juveniles all leaving at once. Swearing that they will never touch drugs for as long as they breathe.
The prison warden is astonished and goes into the classroom to see the third drug dealer with a beaming smile.
The prison warden asks "What did you say to them?"
Drug dealer replies "I said if they carried on with drugs they would all go to prison and they agree"
The Prison warden says "But what about the circles?"
"Ah" Goes the drug dealer and points at the small circle "This is your arsehole before prison...."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
Our Grandma is 92 years old and still gets around on her own. She writes to my sister:
Dear Granddaughter,
I just have to tell you about the most profound religious experience I had the other day. After choir practice and a rousing prayer meeting, I headed over to our local Christian bookstore, where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” sticker. Well, I was feeling especially saucy after church, so I bought the sticker and stuck it on my bumper.
Am I glad that I did! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about our Lord and how great He is, and I hadn’t noticed that the light had changed. And that’s when I learned that lots of people just love Jesus! And it’s a good thing that the guy right behind me also loves Jesus, because if he hadn’t started honking, I’d probably still be there!
Well, he started honking like there’s no tomorrow. As I sat there, bathing in the love, that guy leaned out of his window and started yelling, “SWEET JESUS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO!! JESUS CHRIST GO! GO! GO!!!”
What a great cheerleader for Jesus! I was so overcome with emotion that I just leaned out the window and waved and smiled at that lover of Jesus. Everybody started to honk! How amazing and uplifting! I started to honk my horn just to share all the love in the air!
One guy in particular back there yelling something about sunny beaches. Sounded like he was from Florida. I waved and smiled at him too.
Another guy was waving at me in a strange way with just his middle finger extended. You know your brother Ralphie was in the back seat, and I had to ask him what that meant. He told me it was a Native American good luck sign.
Well, I don’t know any Native Americans, but as a gesture of love and respect for this brother in Jesus, I leaned out the window and using both hands, showed him the good luck sign. For extra double good luck!!
Well, your brother Ralphie just burst out laughing hysterically. I could not believe that even he was enjoying this grand religious experience!
Well, love was so contagious there that a couple or five people got so caught up in the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I was sure that they were coming over to pray with me or to ask me which church I attended, but then I noticed that the light had changed.
So, waving and smiling at all my new friends in Jesus, I drove through the intersection. I looked back and saw that mine was the only car that made it through the intersection before the light changed again. And after all the love we shared, I felt sad to leave them back there, so one last time, I stopped the car so I could lean out the window and show them all the Native American good luck sign before driving away.
Praise the Lord!
Love,
Grandma
Dear Granddaughter,
I just have to tell you about the most profound religious experience I had the other day. After choir practice and a rousing prayer meeting, I headed over to our local Christian bookstore, where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” sticker. Well, I was feeling especially saucy after church, so I bought the sticker and stuck it on my bumper.
Am I glad that I did! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about our Lord and how great He is, and I hadn’t noticed that the light had changed. And that’s when I learned that lots of people just love Jesus! And it’s a good thing that the guy right behind me also loves Jesus, because if he hadn’t started honking, I’d probably still be there!
Well, he started honking like there’s no tomorrow. As I sat there, bathing in the love, that guy leaned out of his window and started yelling, “SWEET JESUS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO!! JESUS CHRIST GO! GO! GO!!!”
What a great cheerleader for Jesus! I was so overcome with emotion that I just leaned out the window and waved and smiled at that lover of Jesus. Everybody started to honk! How amazing and uplifting! I started to honk my horn just to share all the love in the air!
One guy in particular back there yelling something about sunny beaches. Sounded like he was from Florida. I waved and smiled at him too.
Another guy was waving at me in a strange way with just his middle finger extended. You know your brother Ralphie was in the back seat, and I had to ask him what that meant. He told me it was a Native American good luck sign.
Well, I don’t know any Native Americans, but as a gesture of love and respect for this brother in Jesus, I leaned out the window and using both hands, showed him the good luck sign. For extra double good luck!!
Well, your brother Ralphie just burst out laughing hysterically. I could not believe that even he was enjoying this grand religious experience!
Well, love was so contagious there that a couple or five people got so caught up in the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I was sure that they were coming over to pray with me or to ask me which church I attended, but then I noticed that the light had changed.
So, waving and smiling at all my new friends in Jesus, I drove through the intersection. I looked back and saw that mine was the only car that made it through the intersection before the light changed again. And after all the love we shared, I felt sad to leave them back there, so one last time, I stopped the car so I could lean out the window and show them all the Native American good luck sign before driving away.
Praise the Lord!
Love,
Grandma
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
A man walks in to the doctors with genital issues..
The doctor says "Take off your pants and ill take a look". The man pulls them down and reveals his penis, which is barely the size of a tictac. The doctor tries not to laugh but can't resist. The man gets embarrassed and pulls them back up.
"I'm really sorry" says the doctor, "i don't know what came over me..let me take another look" The man shows him again and the doctor, this time starts crying with laughter, tears rolling down his face. He has to walk out of the room, compose himself and come back in.
"This is really unprofessional of me! I am so sorry. Let's just start again and I promise I wont laugh!"
The man pulls them down yet again and the doctor, holding himself together says "Ok sir, what seems to be the problem?"
The man says.."Its ... swollen."
The doctor says "Take off your pants and ill take a look". The man pulls them down and reveals his penis, which is barely the size of a tictac. The doctor tries not to laugh but can't resist. The man gets embarrassed and pulls them back up.
"I'm really sorry" says the doctor, "i don't know what came over me..let me take another look" The man shows him again and the doctor, this time starts crying with laughter, tears rolling down his face. He has to walk out of the room, compose himself and come back in.
"This is really unprofessional of me! I am so sorry. Let's just start again and I promise I wont laugh!"
The man pulls them down yet again and the doctor, holding himself together says "Ok sir, what seems to be the problem?"
The man says.."Its ... swollen."
Milo_Grigsby
Story Teller
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2023
- Posts
- 82
I have a step ladder. I never knew I my real ladder.
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A lion walks into a bar and says to the manager "Hey. I'm looking for a job."
The manager shakes his head sadly and says "Sorry pal, but no can do. Have you tried the circus?"
The lion looks confused and says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
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A grasshopper sits down at a bar and says, "Hey bartender, can I have a scotch and water please?"
The bartender pours the grasshopper's drink and says "Here you go buddy. You know we have a drink named after you right?"
The grasshopper looks confused and says, "You've got a drink called Murray?"
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I'll show myself out.
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A lion walks into a bar and says to the manager "Hey. I'm looking for a job."
The manager shakes his head sadly and says "Sorry pal, but no can do. Have you tried the circus?"
The lion looks confused and says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
A grasshopper sits down at a bar and says, "Hey bartender, can I have a scotch and water please?"
The bartender pours the grasshopper's drink and says "Here you go buddy. You know we have a drink named after you right?"
The grasshopper looks confused and says, "You've got a drink called Murray?"
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I'll show myself out.
CarlyAnn
Midnight Rider
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2019
- Posts
- 6,544
Milo_Grigsby
Story Teller
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2023
- Posts
- 82
Yup!! On purpose!! Happy Friday!!Dad joke alert, Dad joke alert.
Okay, that’s good, I didn’t see that coming
curioustxn
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2017
- Posts
- 248
There was a man from from Nantucket
Who had a dick so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
as he wiped cum from his chin
If my ear was a cunt, I'd fuck it
Who had a dick so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
as he wiped cum from his chin
If my ear was a cunt, I'd fuck it
curioustxn
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2017
- Posts
- 248
Snappy comebacks
When looking at a woman's tits, and she responds with a snarky "My face is up here!!!"
Respond with: "Yeah, but your tits are down there!"
But don't stand to close because the claws are going to come out.....
When looking at a woman's tits, and she responds with a snarky "My face is up here!!!"
Respond with: "Yeah, but your tits are down there!"
But don't stand to close because the claws are going to come out.....
Last edited:
Bigblackdog99
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2020
- Posts
- 2
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
AWonkyDonkey
This Donkey Is Wonky
- Joined
- May 9, 2016
- Posts
- 10,984
A newlywed calls her mother on her wedding night and says, "I've discovered John only has one foot."
Her mother replies, "Count yourself lucky, your father only has four inches."
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